Getting over our first fight

[Amy]

OK, so hubby and I have had our first serious fight in the 3.5 years of marriage. It wasn't even a "fight," there was no yelling or anything like that. He got upset, snapped at me, said some hurtful things and left the room. Some time later, I heard him talking online to his Internet buddies, and I caught a phrase, "Anybody wants a wife?"

I was shellshocked. Our marriage has been good, despite very many external problems. What I mean by that is that bad stuff kept happening to us, but it had never affected our relationship. There had always been love and respect between us. He did snap at me several times before, and I usually swallowed that, saying to myself that he was very stressed. Once I spoke up and said that I was hurt, and he apologized.

So when I heard that phrase, I was heartbroken. I locked myself up in the guest bedroom and cried all night, and then wrote to him a long letter explaining how I felt and telling him that if he wants me to leave he only needs to say one word. After reading this letter in the morning, my husband came to me and asked me to forgive him. We had a good talk. I did forgive him, of course. I love him very much. But something within me is not the same. It is a trust issue, I guess.

Someone had said in another thread here that when a woman's emotions are hurt, it takes a long time for her to be able to trust the man again. This is what I am struggling with. My husband has been very good to me since then, he is doing nice little things for me, obviously trying to help me heal that emotional wound. And I keep thinking in the back of my mind, "Does he mean it, or is he doing it out of guilt?" I can't help feeling that some of his love for me is gone. I am afraid that he will get upset or annoyed with me again, and the next time it will be even worse.

Anyone been there?... I would appreciate your words of wisdom. Thanks.

 

[InTheFlame]

*hug*

I understand that's got to be painful Was it a serious comment, or said in a joking way?

I've frequently snapped at my husband I often apologise on the spot or a while later (minutes to hours), but occasionally I haven't, and he's said something, and I've felt horrible. If I said something nasty in the heat of the moment and hurt him badly, I'd feel so terrible He's such a wonderful guy, he's so patient and gentle with me. I'd be doing all I could to make it up to him - and that would probably be lots of little 'I love you' gestures.

I don't know what's going on in your husband's head. I suspect he's just feeling awful that he hurt the one person here on earth that he cares about more than anything else. But the fear you mention is interesting - that next time will be worse. Have you talked about how his stress-management (and maybe anger-management) methods upset you, and how you could work together to make it better? For example, I get horribly grouchy as soon as my blood sugar levels get too low. If necessary I'll eat dinner on the way home so I'll get home in a good mood, not a foul one. It's amazing how much difference that makes!

 

[alaskamolly]

I have a really hard time getting over comments said in the heat of anger, too. I always wonder: was it just in anger, or did he really mean it?

I'm very much a 'verbal' person too--I hear "love" through the words a person says, not through gifts they give, things they do for me, or other stuff--so the words really get me when they're negative.

I find that the best policy is to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he has any idea the damage that one little flippant sentance of his can do to me...and trying to explain it to him doesn't really work...I mean, if he says he's sorry, he's sorry--there's nothing that can be done to take it back, you know.

So it's up to ME, at that point. Do I choose to continue to let the words reverberate through my head, or do I choose to put them down and concentrate on all the SWEET and KIND words that have been said (way way way way more often than anything mean)...?

So that's basically how I handle it. I inwardly give him the benefit of the doubt that his kind words are what he really feels, and his curt hurtful phrase was just that--a reaction out of anger...and I give him the benefit of the doubt that he has no idea how much one little sentance can stab me to the core.

Because I'm sure the same is true in reverse. My man isn't a 'verbal' guy like me--he's more service. If you do things for him, it tells him that you love him. Well, I'm a total failure at that one! But now that I know it's how he *hears love best,* I try... But I'm sure I've told him "I could care less about you!" a million times, even though I've said nothing and meant nothing of the sort, simply because "I love you" to him means having a load running in the dryer and here I'm off working on my lastest art project with my oldest, the whole dining room a mess of art supplies! So I'm glad he gives the benefit of the doubt to me, when I hurt him unknowingly...


Anyways, I hope that helps a bit. I'm like you--I would take that really hard. But chances are, he was just being sarcastic, and meant nothing of the sort.

Blessings,
Molly

 

[Amy]

Was it a serious comment, or said in a joking way?

I don't know. I guess he didn't actually offer me to anyone who cared to have me, it was probably more of a "hey, how are you, what's up? - uh, not too good, had a fight with my wife." You know, just chit-chat. I was not listening on purpose, I only happened to hear that one phrase. And when we talked later, he told me he did not mean what he said.

Have you talked about how his stress-management (and maybe anger-management) methods upset you, and how you could work together to make it better?

Yes, he asked me what he should do about his snapping. I told him to remember that I have never done that, despite all the stuff I've had to put up with for the last two years (which is true). I don't know what else I can advise him.

But the fear you mention is interesting - that next time will be worse.

Yes, I'm afraid that, remembering how much he had hurt me, he'll be trying to keep his frustrations inside - and then someday explode.

Thank you for your post, InTheFlame.

 

[Amy]

I find that the best policy is to give my husband the benefit of the doubt.

I do that too. I tell myself that if he really didn't care for me anymore, he would have told me to leave - I gave him that option. But he said, "Please, don't leave," so I guess he does care.

If you do things for him, it tells him that you love him.

He is probably this way as well, and I've been doing my best to be a good wife for him. I cook homemade meals, and I don't think he has had to do his laundry even once since we got married, BUT there are things he wants me to do that I can't, and that was a part of our discussion.

One of them is that he wants me to keep all the bills & papers in order; he said that, since I worked as a secretary before we got married, he expected me to do that. Which would have been fine with me, if there was at least some order in that area already - but there is none. His office desk is a horrible mess, he just keeps piling stuff up. I cannot deal with that, and he knows it. I was raised in a very orderly home where everyone knew that the best way to deal with clutter is not to create it. I told my husband that I would be happy to help him to go through that mess and set up some kind of a filing system, but I CANNOT do it alone. He agreed, but never got to actually doing it. And probably still harbors hard feelings about me not doing it. When there is another bill or receipt he can't find, he will snap again, and that is what I fear.

 

[InTheFlame]

Yes, he asked me what he should do about his snapping. I told him to remember that I have never done that, despite all the stuff I've had to put up with for the last two years (which is true). I don't know what else I can advise him.

I don't think that really helps. I know it wouldn't help me when I'm feeling grouchy. Besides, what DO you do that's unloving? I'm sure there's something that upsets and hurts him. Hmmm.. I was thinking more along the lines of a signal you could give him, an exploration of how he can avoid getting to the point of snapping, etc.

Yes, I'm afraid that, remembering how much he had hurt me, he'll be trying to keep his frustrations inside - and then someday explode.

Sounds like regular talks might be in order. I know it's tough, but getting together every week or two and asking, 'how have I upset you this week?' or 'what could I be doing so that you feel more loved?' could be really helpful. You do need to be very honest and gentle with each, though. And only one thing to be brought up each time! That's the best way I've seen to ensure that anger doesn't just build and build and then KABOOOOM. My husband and I don't have a formal arrangement with this, but we will bring up the topic with each other on occasion. It's a good tool, it does require humility and willingness to face one's own demons, though!

Thank you for your post, InTheFlame.

You're welcome I thought it might help to hear from someone with a similar problem to your husband's. God bless.

 

[Amy]

Besides, what DO you do that's unloving? I'm sure there's something that upsets and hurts him.

He has his frustrations with me, yes, and we went through them when we talked. Some are reasonable, and I have been working on them, others are... well, judge for yourself. Being an introvert, I prefer using e-mail and not the phone. When I need to call someone, I will, but if I can get away with e-mailing I would rather do that. This irritates him. Believe it or not, this was what triggered the whole thing (although he already was cranky before that). A friend had invited us over (via e-mail!), and I said that I needed to write her back. He stormed out with, "You can't even call a friend!", and then returned a few minutes later to tell me that I need to learn how to use the phone.

Now, as I said, I never let this to cause any problems. If a phone call needs to be made, I will make it.

Sounds like regular talks might be in order. I know it's tough, but getting together every week or two and asking, 'how have I upset you this week?' or 'what could I be doing so that you feel more loved?'

I often ask him whether there is anything I can do for him. His answer is usually "no" - or, if he is too stressed with other things, "Shoot me."

 

[bkg]

Just thought I'd add a guys opinion to this thread... Note: this is opinion only.


I've said many a thing in the "heat of the argument" that I neither meant to say nor actually felt in my heart. Do not deny the power of the enemy during an argument. Also, I think it's extremely important to accept the words of our spouses as they are stated - if we start to second guess our spouse, all trust is thrown out the window and the relationship may decline.

Guys say stupid things - it's the by-product of being the dumber sex. I'm not saying that to be cute but out of honesty. We all say dumb things "in the heat of the battle", and guys have a tendency to think even less about what they are saying than women. Like I said, we're stupid. But please, please, please, please... don't second guess our hearts when we are attempting to "make up" for damage we have caused. I assure you that there is nothing harder to deal with as a guy than to pour our hearts out only to hear "but do you mean that, or are you just saying it?" in return.... I admittedly don't know the heart of the man in this post... but I've heard this uttered before and have been crushed - my experience is that a woman hurt is a woman who doesn't trust (right or wrong, I see both sides)...

Men are more sensitive than women.. we just don't want our buddies to know that...

 

[Amy]

Thank you for your input, bkg.

I assure you that there is nothing harder to deal with as a guy than to pour our hearts out only to hear "but do you mean that, or are you just saying it?" in return....

I know that, and I would never say that to my husband. In fact, I have never even thought like this before, but now, I admit, some fears have crept in, and that is why I am here. I do not doubt my husband's sincerity. He said he was sorry, and I know he was. I appreciate every nice little thing he is doing for me and thank him for it. It's just that he always used to say that I was the best woman on earth, custom-made for him, and I was so sure he loved me. Then I heard that. It was a hard blow. But I am not holding on to the pain, I hope my post does not come across that way.

 

[charligirl]

If you've never had a fight before then you are bound to be shell shocked, it is a shocking thing to see that angry streak in your spouse if you have never seen it before. It also often takes longer for a women to get over this sort of situation as women can have a tendancy to dwell and mull over every word and comment.

Sounds to me like the enemy is whispering to you to make you doubt your husband's good intentions - It is hard to get over the hurt of an argument but you must take his actions at face value.

Writing a letter is a good way to convey your emotions - I know that's how I got over our first argument. What I am confused about in your post is why you would think he might want to leave you? Did he threaten to, or intimate that?

Resolving conflict is a key skill to learn in marriage - part of that is learning how to understand how men and women think... it is so different. We often learn about how to argue and get over arguments from our parents. Did you live in a house where you never saw your parents argue? If so it can be horrifying when you experience your first one.

Conflict can actually be healthy in moderation, and it sounds as if you handled this very well.

I would recommend getting a book to understand how men think and operate, your husband's display doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that he want to leave - it's very likely that there were other things at play and you got in the firing line of him dealing with his emotions.

Will it happen again? it might well do, people are not perfect and will always let us down somehow. By allowing space to open up about emotions and stresses in an honest way you can help prevent a build up to pressure point. I think it would be dangerous to make you husband feel he can't be honest about his feelings incase he hurts you - he just needs to learn how to do it in a manner that is not nasty or aggressive.

Take it to God, ask Him to heal you and reassure you and give you wisdom.

 

[alaskamolly]

I've said many a thing in the "heat of the argument" that I neither meant to say nor actually felt in my heart. Do not deny the power of the enemy during an argument. Also, I think it's extremely important to accept the words of our spouses as they are stated - if we start to second guess our spouse, all trust is thrown out the window and the relationship may decline.--bkg

Very WISE words, there.

Very very very very very very very wise words...

Yes, he asked me what he should do about his snapping. I told him to remember that I have never done that, despite all the stuff I've had to put up with for the last two years (which is true).

Ouch!

That isn't exactly going to give him much motivation to change! That's just another version of "I told you so."

Of course you haven't done that, if that's not the way your personality reacts in anger. But I'm sure you do other things, equally damaging and equally sinful, that he has to work through and deal with. Saying, "Well, I don't do it (so therefore you shouldn't either)," is not constructive, and it's also a bit mean.

One of them is that he wants me to keep all the bills & papers in order; he said that, since I worked as a secretary before we got married, he expected me to do that. Which would have been fine with me, if there was at least some order in that area already - but there is none. His office desk is a horrible mess, he just keeps piling stuff up. I cannot deal with that, and he knows it. ...I told my husband that I would be happy to help him to go through that mess and set up some kind of a filing system,

My advice would be: do it. Don't expect his help. He's obviously a cluttery-type of person, so don't try and make him into something he's not (or get mad at him for being what he is). Go clean it up, go ask him if you can use that as YOUR desk since you'll be doing most of the billing and paperwork, or go buy yourself your own desk (and find a space to cram it in somewhere) and then keep the bills on THAT.

Seriously, figure out some way where you can have the desk or get your own, and be his secretary, if that's what he wants (and if you are the one in the family with the gift of neatness). Don't wait for him to do this--he's already shown you he's not going to--he's waiting for YOU. You can either let things sit as they are, which is doing nothing but causing more problems, or you can do something about it. Personally, I prefer the proactive approach, myself. *grin*

I was raised in a very orderly home where everyone knew that the best way to deal with clutter is not to create it.

There is a verse in the Psalms that tells the new wife (of the King) to, "forget your father's house, then the King's desire will be for you."

I used to cling to that in my first couple years of marriage, because it is SO hard to transition from one (or two) ways of doing things, to a whole new way. You keep wanting to go back to the former way and go, "THAT was the right way to run a household, YOU are screwed up and have major problems because YOU don't run things that way!"

I feel like the Holy Spirit led me to that verse and really dealt with me on it: "FORGET the way things USED to be done--you are now in a different home, you are now of a different family, quit clinging to the old ways and find out what ways THIS family (YOUR new family!) is going to walk in (and quit whining about how they are different, for pete's sake!"




So if you try and make your husband something he is not, first of all it's not going to work, but secondly, he's going to sense that you aren't happy with HIM, that you don't think his personality is right, that you wish he was different. There's not much worse you can do to a man's self-esteem...
And besides, isn't that exactly what you're mad at him for doing to you?

His personality is the cluttered disorganized type. There are some personalities that are like that--like Pigpen in Charlie Brown. They don't mean to make a mess...it just happens. Some of it might be a result of poor childhood habits, but some of it is just the sheer personality, not to be helped!

...But there's a lot of GOOD things that go with a cluttered personality, you know. Quit looking at the annoying stuff, and start blessing him with YOUR gift to shine in those areas. Cluttery types LOVE it clean and organized...they just don't quite comprehend how a person actually organizes! So he needs you to be that for him. He will treasure you for it, trust me!

A great article on three types of husbands--perhaps you'll see your husband in one of them, and learn a bit more how to bless him.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=25&backPID=2&tt_news=211
The article starts halfway down the page, and is worth printing out!


Many Blessings!!!!!!!!!!
Love in HIM,
Molly

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

You said that you can not organize the bills, and seem to insist on using email instead of using the phone.
I also do not like to call people, and have had similar issues in other areas, but my hubby tries to make me get over it. Could it be thatt your hubby feels like you only want to be submissive to him on your terms.
My best advice would be to try to call people whenever you can, and start trying to organize the bills. When he sees his happy obedient wife trying whole heartedly to do that, he may be more inclined to say," why don't you take a break from organizing the bills?" or " I guess this was harder than i thought. Could you use some help?"
Just try to do your best at doing what he desires. Let him see that you want to grow in the areas that he thinks you need growth. If the task is really impossible than I doubt he is gonna keep you on it forever.
It is hard advice to follow, I know.
Hope things work out for you. You can not change your hubby, but you can change yourself and probably change how your hubby feeels towards you.
Remember, it is your surrendered heart that will draw you closer to him, even if the tasks you are trying to accomplish are really immpossible.