Getting over my wife's past

[curty]

My wife was honest about her sexual history and I married her thinking I'd get over it but have found it so much harder than I expected.
I'm at least number 8 for her I think more like 12 and absolutely hate knowing that she's given herself completely to other men some of whom she loved with the same devotion that she loves me.
Now we're in our thirties and sex is not a high priority for her. She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17. Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

The Scripture, "Forgetting what is behind, I press toward the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" is a good one to get you from being hung up on the past. The positive thing in this is that your wife has been honest with you about her past, but she is forgiven and cleansed, and God has led her and you into a committed relationship to take you into the future together.

It is not what has happened in the past. You can never change that, but it what you are moving toward into your future. It is not how you began, but how you finish in your Christian experience.

You need to know that God has forgiven her sinful past and has buried it in the deepest sea of His forgetfulness. If you asked God about her past, He would say, "What past? I don't know anything about her past". He wouldn't be lying to you. He would have sincerely forgotten. Also, He might say to you, "What is that to you? Follow Me!"

If God has totally forgiven and cleansed your wife of her past, you need to as well. You need to break that spirit of unforgiveness off you. Jesus said, "If you don't forgive others, then God will not forgive you." He also gave the parable about the servant who was forgiven an overwhelming debt, and then went out and threw a fellow servant into prison because that man owed him $100. The master came back, found out what the servant had done, and sold him and his family into slavery to pay the big debt. This parable was there to reinforce that we have been forgiven a debt that we could never repay through the death of Christ on the cross. If we don't forgive others for a lot less, then God's forgiveness of us may be withdrawn and we might have to pay the ultimate price for our sins. This is a very sobering thought.

So, forgive and forget, and get on with building your future together.

 

[Sabertooth]

Sent PM.

 

[Dave G.]

She sinned in her past but haven't we all, even you ? And we all sinned enough to fall short of the glory of God, because there is not one small sin that won't misdirect our pathway to heaven.. But I suspect to you this is not about her sins with other men but you. Right now even you are living in a sin of unforgiveness. Deep inside you may also be holding yourself hostage in that sin.

 

[mama2one]

I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.?

you have to let it go
being jealous about having lots of sex before marriage does not make sense if you really think about it:

if you had, would you be a better person?
-you might have caught some disease
-you might still have emotional connections
-might be comparing your wife to others

no it's better you did not

 

[Dave-W]

Curty - you need to find a good christian counselor who can teach you how to forgive and how to move on.

I suspect that you have other things in life where you have a hard time getting past them. That will free those things up as well.

 

[Ken Rank]

Curty - you need to find a good christian counselor who can teach you how to forgive and how to move on.

I suspect that you have other things in life where you have a hard time getting past them. That will free those things up as well.

I agree... counseling for you BOTH is important. During it, you have to find a way to allow time to begin for you with her when you first came together yourselves... and not go into the past anymore. It is what it is... and you went into this knowing her past. I can relate... believe me, I get this. Time has to begin from the moment you got together and she has to allow that to be the case as well and not use her past to withhold from you. And I agree with Dave... I sense there is more that needs to be brought out, forgiven, and then moved beyond.

Blessings.

 

[DZoolander]

When I was in my late teens, I started dating this girl and had a similar type of experience. She'd been with 10 people yet she was the one I'd lost my virginity to. That really bugged me - and for a while consumed my thoughts. I remember doing all sorts of weird things like sitting in my college classes - and counting out 10 people in the rows ahead of me while thinking "That's the number of people she's been with. Wow. That's a lot."

She also was a little too free with information - so I knew some of the details (like when and where things had happened). I remember when I'd drive by those places - it was impossible for me to NOT start picturing things/etc.

That went on for quite a while. We'd go out shopping - and I would just sit there and stew on it as she was happily searching for clothing or whatever it may be. We'd go other places, and I'd sit there just obsessing on it while she went about her business.

Finally I just came to a realization. The past was the past and there was nothing I could do about it. That pattern of thought was unhealthy, to say the least. So, I had a choice to make. She could not "fix" her past and I could not change it. Whether or not I stayed was my choice and ought dictate how I govern my thoughts going forward. My overwhelming obligation was to be a good boyfriend/mate/whatever. If that meant recognizing that I could NOT get over this - then the best thing for me to do was leave. If I chose to stay, however, I would need find a way to put it out from my mind.

I think you've got a similar choice to make. You've complicated the matter by adding "being married" into the mix - and people are going to tell you that divorce isn't an option. But I don't buy into that. I think you need to come to a decision about what kind of spouse you want to be. If you're going to spend the rest of your life lamenting over things that cannot be changed - allowing it to influence over how you look at your spouse - maybe it's time to go. You clearly didn't give it enough thought ahead of time before you married her (unless she was dishonest about her past, which I doubt). But if you're going to stick around - work it out.

 

[Ken Rank]

I think you've got a similar choice to make. You've complicated the matter by adding "being married" into the mix - and people are going to tell you that divorce isn't an option. But I don't buy into that.

This isn't meant for debate as this is not that type of forum. But @curty I think everything DZoolander said was great advice and good words up until this point. You made a commitment before God KNOWING her past. To break that vow now would be compounding one error or sin (or whatever you want to call it) with another. It's over... it's in the past and can't be changed... and your mission now is to learn how to live happily regardless of what happened years ago. If she isn't cheating on you, then you're it and will remain it!

 

[A_Thinker]

My wife was honest about her sexual history and I married her thinking I'd get over it but have found it so much harder than I expected.
I'm at least number 8 for her I think more like 12 and absolutely hate knowing that she's given herself completely to other men some of whom she loved with the same devotion that she loves me.
Now we're in our thirties and sex is not a high priority for her. She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17. Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

Try to work it out with her ... get counseling, whatever is necessary.

Realize that if either of your pasts' were significantly different, ... you probably wouldn't have ended up together ...

 

[DZoolander]

This isn't meant for debate as this is not that type of forum. But @curty I think everything DZoolander said was great advice and good words up until this point. You made a commitment before God KNOWING her past. To break that vow now would be compounding one error or sin (or whatever you want to call it) with another. It's over... it's in the past and can't be changed... and your mission now is to learn how to live happily regardless of what happened years ago. If she isn't cheating on you, then you're it and will remain it!

Agreed. I think we have different takes on things in that one respect - but I think we hope for the same end result. That he moves past it and loves/cherishes his wife the way she ought be loved/cherished - instead of stewing on something that he knew about ahead of time - willingly chose to accept - and that cannot be changed.

 

[Dave G.]

This thread is bringing to mind how God can turn all things, that may seem bad to us, around for His good. In His goodness we can find peace ourselves. A Thinkers comments ring true, in that God may have a purpose in you two being together, perhaps this is part of your individual growing processes in Christ Jesus.. After all He did forgive the woman at the well, walked some 35 miles out of His way to meet her and then she went on to turn a whole town to Him. Forgiveness is a key lesson to grasp if we are to be in Jesus. AMEN !

 

[Deidre32]

Why did she share that she loved those guys as much as you? That info is unnecessary, and I have a feeling that is what is hurting you more than the sheer fact that she slept with others before you. I'd suggest counseling, because it sounds like she dismisses your feelings on this, and also doesn't want to have sex much with you. It's not as simple as you're hung up on her past, but it seems like how she treats you, pales in comparison to how she treated other men before you. (her words, apparently) She needs to step up to treating you as you deserve, as much as you need to 'get over it.'

 

[curty]

Thanks for your advice. I don't consider divorce an option but want to work through it striving always to love my wife as Christ loved the church.
A key point that I realised yesterday is that while we were still sinners he died for us. I'm not saying that my wife's still sinning; what I realised is I am called to treat her right no matter if she gives me what I want and need or not. Christ didn't wait for us to turn to him but died for us anyway.
There are other issues that I'm dealing with that overlap I just wanted to keep this post to the point and may post in future about some others.
I have seen a counsellor a few times whose advice was just to stop thinking about it. I was hoping to get some practical tips from people who've dealt with this. When the thoughts come do you push them out of your head or choose to think about the things you love and appreciate about her? Maybe it's best not to think about her at all but confess your sins and thank God for sending Jesus to save us. Do the thoughts ever go away? What helps and what doesn't?

 

[DZoolander]

In my case - like 98% of the thoughts went away once I came to the conclusion it was time to make a decision on where I stood in the relationship and what that meant - and started living in the moment instead of fixating on things in the past outside of my control.

I said 98% - because there was one tidbit of information that she shared with me that did stick in my craw though. Can't say what it was here - because odds are it would be a violation of the TOS - lol. But - yeah - there was one bit of information that didn't easily leave my mind.

Over time though - it became just a side thought that didn't bug me any more. Once again - falling under the umbrella of "Well, what the heck can I really do about that?" By the time that I divorced her (lol) - none of those things were even considerations in my mind any more and had long ceased to be. The divorce was a consequence of a whole litany of other newer issues

 

[Llleopard]

My husband and I are both on our 3rd marriage (this is the last. It's awesome) and both had fairly wild pasts - we are not proud of this, but it is just who we were. Before we married, we were somewhat open about our pasts, because it is really important to know the experiences that made your partner the person you know and love, so that you can understand them better.

However, it can be hurtful if you suddenly feel compared to a past partner, or begin feeling you're not good enough, or weren't as wild and therefore somehow plain vanilla and substandard. For instance, in my husband's first marriage, it came up in conversation (!) once that his ex often brought a friend for threesomes. We are both Christians now, and this is off the table. Sometimes it rears its head in my thoughts though - am I enough? Boring? Would he rather have that freedom again? Sometimes I can just put that kind of thought out of my head by sheer force of will, but sometimes it replays and distracts me from being freely intimate. My head is not there and nothing goes well.

What helps us is getting honest. I just say outright what's bothering me - and he will have noticed something was wrong already anyway. This communication goes both ways - we have agreed to be very honest so that there are no misunderstandings. At this point, we are always VERY careful what we tell each other. Lots of reassurance, trust, lots of love, lots of attention. No excuses, no blame, but making our forever partner feel secure in our love for them and them only - especially in love language ways. (you know the love languages? Google if not! )

I wonder if your wife just doesn't understand how much it affects you. She may just be making factual statements about when where and who, and not realise that it hurts you - if she has come to terms with her past, it probably doesn't have as much emotional punch to her.

Sometimes my husband does something really hurtful (ie might remind me of an abusive past partner etc) totally by accident - it triggers feelings of betrayal, anxiety, fear etc. But when I tell him, he loves me enough to reassure me, I take a deep breath, choose to believe him, and move on. I wonder if you can find a time to have a really deep talk about it - be incredibly vulnerable and tell her how anxious? rejected? jealous? you feel when she talks that way; and find solutions.

After 7 years of lovingly honest marriage and dedication to communicating, I think we have got past most of our hang ups about each other's past intimate lives, and we have a fantastic intimate relationship 99% of the time....but then something will suddenly go boom. So I don't know if it EVER goes away completely. Just the joy of being imperfect humans *sigh*

 

[curty]

Thanks for the encouragement. As I suspected the answer to most if not all relationship difficulties is communication. What happens when communication is itself the problem?
This is the topic of my next question which I will link to in due course.

 

[Dave-W]

I have seen a counsellor a few times whose advice was just to stop thinking about it.

Find another counselor. NOW.

 

[Ana the Ist]

My wife was honest about her sexual history and I married her thinking I'd get over it but have found it so much harder than I expected.
I'm at least number 8 for her I think more like 12 and absolutely hate knowing that she's given herself completely to other men some of whom she loved with the same devotion that she loves me.
Now we're in our thirties and sex is not a high priority for her. She told me that she had sex in her teens and twenties about 4 times as often as she does with me. I think a large part of it is that she'd had sex well over 500 times before I came along. She had boyfriends since she was 12 and lost her virginity when she was 17. Sex was always an option for her and when she felt ready she did it. I on the other hand waited half my life often wondering if it would ever happen for me.
We were both raised in the church and taught premarital sex is sinful but she never really intended to wait. I'm sure given the chance I would have done it too but I didn't have the confidence to pursue relationships that she had.
Bottom line is I'm very jealous but the fact is she did it, I didn't and I hate it.
How can I get over it once and for all?

It's not something you can change. Let it go.

You married her knowing full well what the situation was. Why did you think you would feel differently about it later? It sounds like it was a pretty big deal before you got married...what exactly was going to happen after you got married?

I just don't understand the thinking behind the decision....if you had a problem that was a potential "dealbreaker", why marry? I mean, let's imagine your hypothetical is correct...she had more fun. She did it one way...you did it another. You both had your reasons, you ended up with different experiences....that's life.

It sounds to me like she's recounted different experiences which you never had...that perhaps sound "exciting"...and you regret not ever having them. In your mind, if she hadn't done those things with other guys...well maybe she would've done them with you.

Is that about right?

 

[Ana the Ist]

My husband and I are both on our 3rd marriage (this is the last. It's awesome) and both had fairly wild pasts - we are not proud of this, but it is just who we were. Before we married, we were somewhat open about our pasts, because it is really important to know the experiences that made your partner the person you know and love, so that you can understand them better.

I don't know what you mean by the part I highlighted. I think someone is entitled to a general knowledge of their partners' sexual history...but not necessarily specific details. It's not wrong to have an understanding of what your partner finds acceptable, is comfortable/uncomfortable with, or just how generally experienced they are....but you aren't entitled to any intimate details they don't want to share.

I mean, that's some very intimate knowledge...and while my wife understands my experience level, how I was then, and how I am now....I wouldn't give her any specific details about many incidents even if she asked really nicely.

For starters, I know my wife well enough to know that in spite of her insistence....she'll harp on some of that stuff for years. Secondly, those things happened between me and other women....what about their dignity/privacy? Maybe they don't care...but then again, maybe they do. I don't owe them anything...but at least I can assume a certain level of respect for whatever transpired between us was, in fact, between us.

However, it can be hurtful if you suddenly feel compared to a past partner, or begin feeling you're not good enough, or weren't as wild and therefore somehow plain vanilla and substandard. For instance, in my husband's first marriage, it came up in conversation (!) once that his ex often brought a friend for threesomes. We are both Christians now, and this is off the table. Sometimes it rears its head in my thoughts though - am I enough? Boring? Would he rather have that freedom again? Sometimes I can just put that kind of thought out of my head by sheer force of will, but sometimes it replays and distracts me from being freely intimate. My head is not there and nothing goes well.

Lemme tell you something....you know what kind of man never fantasizes about threesomes? The one who's had a couple. It's just a lot of work....pleasing one woman is a lot of work lol....pleasing two becomes a chore. It ends up being very detached, unenjoyable, and directorial. He's probably not missing them.

What helps us is getting honest. I just say outright what's bothering me - and he will have noticed something was wrong already anyway. This communication goes both ways - we have agreed to be very honest so that there are no misunderstandings. At this point, we are always VERY careful what we tell each other. Lots of reassurance, trust, lots of love, lots of attention. No excuses, no blame, but making our forever partner feel secure in our love for them and them only - especially in love language ways. (you know the love languages? Google if not! )

I wonder if your wife just doesn't understand how much it affects you. She may just be making factual statements about when where and who, and not realise that it hurts you - if she has come to terms with her past, it probably doesn't have as much emotional punch to her.

Sometimes my husband does something really hurtful (ie might remind me of an abusive past partner etc) totally by accident - it triggers feelings of betrayal, anxiety, fear etc. But when I tell him, he loves me enough to reassure me, I take a deep breath, choose to believe him, and move on. I wonder if you can find a time to have a really deep talk about it - be incredibly vulnerable and tell her how anxious? rejected? jealous? you feel when she talks that way; and find solutions.

After 7 years of lovingly honest marriage and dedication to communicating, I think we have got past most of our hang ups about each other's past intimate lives, and we have a fantastic intimate relationship 99% of the time....but then something will suddenly go boom. So I don't know if it EVER goes away completely. Just the joy of being imperfect humans *sigh*

It strikes me as odd that any couple...married or otherwise...would spend time detailing their sexual exploits to each other. I could never stand being with a girl who talked about her ex(s) for any length of time...it seemed like a loud signal that they weren't really over them, ready to move on, or emotionally mature. I sure didn't want specifics on their sexual life (other than perhaps how safe they were)...as this just seemed like an indication of what they would be like with the guy after me.

Perhaps that's just me...I don't have any compulsion to know these things.