Getting Over It

[Beautiful Fireball]

I grew up with an abusive mother. I know that she loved/loves me very much, and this abuse was not constant, however it still occurred, and was still frequent enough to cause me pain. She suffers from depression, and I know that plays a big factor in it. From the time I was really young she was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me. Often taking out her problems on me. She admits that she was hard on me, but she does not believe that she is abusive. I am having a very hard time healing from this, I harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards her, and I HATE that. Its affecting the relationships with the rest of my family. My brother and sister, and a couple of close friends are telling me to "just get over it" because "its not that big of a deal." But to me it is a big deal. Its a big deal to have a mom tell you your worthless, and that she would rather have any other daughter besides you. Its a big deal to have a mom hit you and leave marks. She is still manipulative and abusive towards me. Often drawing me into her cycles and drama, and I don't know how to escape it.

She has been physically abusive towards me recently, November I think, when she hit me in the head with the cordless phone because I was trying to call someone during one of our arguments. She tells me weekly that I am selfish, cold-hearted, and uncompassionate, and calls me every name in the book, but five minutes later calls back and tells me she loves me. Its exhausting! I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth anymore.

I am trying so desperately to heal from this, but at the same time love my mother. How do I do this? How do I overcome my past and begin to heal so that I can have a healthy relationship with her.

I do not live at home, and have cut my visits down to only around one weekend a month, if even that. And the arguing and abuse continues. I don't have the will power to just walk away from the situation if I'm in it, because I never know what she may do, so I figured staying away was better. But now my siblings are upset with me because I am not able to spend any time with them. What do I do? Should I just forget it and "get over it?"

 

[Gatorgal]

I can relate, only my dad was the one that was the abuser. Just today I have made a step forward, at least I think I am. I called to make an appointment with a Christian Counsler. My dad died several years ago and I truly believe I have forgiven him, but things still seem to surface. I wish I knew what to tell you. Only God is going to see you through. I will say a pray for you. Take care.

 

[UnitynLove]

Maybe set boundaries

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Maybe set boundaries

but how?

Thats my problem. I try to set them but they never seem to stick. How do I make them stick?

 

[Akathist]

Maybe set boundaries

but how?

Thats my problem. I try to set them but they never seem to stick. How do I make them stick?

Setting boundaries can be very very hard. I can almost guarentee that until you get used to it, you will fail to keep the boundaries. But with practice it will get easier.

I think it might be good for you to meet regularly with a counselor face to face to get some direct coaching and also some help healing from the past and current abuse.

I also think you might get the following book from the library:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr...=pd_bbs_2/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

Also this book by the same author:

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_sim_b_4/103-9494825-1363812

(Copy the names of the books and the ISBN number and your local library should be able to get each of them for you... no cost to you... if you like them you can buy them later from amazon or a bookstore.)

While I am on the reading books theme. There is a short book that I absolutely recommend for anyone who has been abused in any way as a child:

"Outgrowing the Pain" http://www.amazon.com/Outgrowing-Pa..._bbs_sr_1/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

In the meantime, I also suggest that you stop trying to do the impossible. You can't simply forget that your mother is and has been abusive. It is unfair to expect that of yourself. I think it is possible that you will forgive her but that takes time. It is very hard to do this when you currently are waiting for the next abuse to occur.

When I was a child, my mother suffered from depression and she also was very emotionally abusive to me. She also hit me very badly at times. Then she would have good times and tell me how much she loved me and how proud she was. It was up and down like that. At your age, it was still very bad between us.

I was nearly 40 years old before she admitted that she even made a mistake as a parent. Then shortly after that she admitted to making "a lot" of mistakes. It was very very good for her to say that to me. I had already forgiven her at least partially, but that helped. However, she has continued to be difficult and our relationship is not very good at all. What helps is my boundaries.

First, I don't take her calls unless I am feeling strong enough to handle them. Sometimes that means that I don't talk to her for a few weeks if I am going through a rough time.

And with that comes not visiting her unless I feel that I can be strong with my other boundaries.

Essentially, I need to be able to say "no" to her and if I don't think I am feeling strong enough to do that, I can't allow myself to interact with her.

I think it is perfectly fair for you to invite your siblings to spend time with you at your place and not for you to only see them when you see your mother. I also think it is fair for you to be able to say to them that you are trying to heal from the past abuse and that you need your space while you are doing so.

Setting boundaries btw, is not about confronting. It is about gaining more and more control over what you do, not controlling what someone else does. You can have firm boundaries and be only loving and peaceful toward your mother.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Setting boundaries can be very very hard. I can almost guarentee that until you get used to it, you will fail to keep the boundaries. But with practice it will get easier.

I think it might be good for you to meet regularly with a counselor face to face to get some direct coaching and also some help healing from the past and current abuse.

I also think you might get the following book from the library:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr...=pd_bbs_2/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

Also this book by the same author:

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_sim_b_4/103-9494825-1363812

(Copy the names of the books and the ISBN number and your local library should be able to get each of them for you... no cost to you... if you like them you can buy them later from amazon or a bookstore.)

While I am on the reading books theme. There is a short book that I absolutely recommend for anyone who has been abused in any way as a child:

"Outgrowing the Pain" http://www.amazon.com/Outgrowing-Pa..._bbs_sr_1/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

In the meantime, I also suggest that you stop trying to do the impossible. You can't simply forget that your mother is and has been abusive. It is unfair to expect that of yourself. I think it is possible that you will forgive her but that takes time. It is very hard to do this when you currently are waiting for the next abuse to occur.

When I was a child, my mother suffered from depression and she also was very emotionally abusive to me. She also hit me very badly at times. Then she would have good times and tell me how much she loved me and how proud she was. It was up and down like that. At your age, it was still very bad between us.

I was nearly 40 years old before she admitted that she even made a mistake as a parent. Then shortly after that she admitted to making "a lot" of mistakes. It was very very good for her to say that to me. I had already forgiven her at least partially, but that helped. However, she has continued to be difficult and our relationship is not very good at all. What helps is my boundaries.

First, I don't take her calls unless I am feeling strong enough to handle them. Sometimes that means that I don't talk to her for a few weeks if I am going through a rough time.

And with that comes not visiting her unless I feel that I can be strong with my other boundaries.

Essentially, I need to be able to say "no" to her and if I don't think I am feeling strong enough to do that, I can't allow myself to interact with her.

I think it is perfectly fair for you to invite your siblings to spend time with you at your place and not for you to only see them when you see your mother. I also think it is fair for you to be able to say to them that you are trying to heal from the past abuse and that you need your space while you are doing so.

Setting boundaries btw, is not about confronting. It is about gaining more and more control over what you do, not controlling what someone else does. You can have firm boundaries and be only loving and peaceful toward your mother.

Thank you so much for that advice, and those links. I will definetely check them out

The thing that makes it hard with my siblings, is they are on my mom's side (not really the best choice of words, but I hope you catch my drift). They will not have anything to do with me if I continue in these boundaries. They are younger then me, both still live at home, and I don't think they fully understand that type of home that we grew up in. They think I am a baby and that I just need to get over because its in the past. They also think I am mean to my mom for trying to set boundaries

 

[Akathist]

Dear, you never ever have to tell your mother about a boundary!

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it is about controlling yourself.

When your mother says mean things to you, your boundary wouldn't be to tell her to stop so much as it would involve your leaving as politely as you could.

Sometimes you can tell someone a boundary. I told my mother that she was not allowed to hit me anymore. She laughed at me when I said it. The next time she went to hit me (I saw her hand raise) I walked away and left. I didn't answer her calls to me for a while. When I was calmer I told her that she is not to raise her hand to hit me.

That was the last time she ever raised her hand to me.

But most boundaries do not have to be things you talk about. I spoke up about the hitting as it was the one thing even she could tell was not right to do. She had trouble ever admitting she said the bad things she would say to me, but the hitting she knew was wrong.

Simply tell your siblings that you agree with them that you need to heal from the way you were treated by your mother so you can put it behind you. Tell them that this is why sometimes you need to stay away... it is because you haven't finished healing but you are really trying to heal.

Don't try to convince them about why you need to heal or that you really were abused right now. I think that they just can't see that yet (for some reason... maybe you can figure out why.) Just focus on explaining that you are working on improving yourself.

I still think getting your own therapist would be very very helpful. Then maybe down the road your therapist could meet them and explain it to them. Sometimes hearing something from a professional is useful.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Dear, you never ever have to tell your mother about a boundary!

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it is about controlling yourself.

When your mother says mean things to you, your boundary wouldn't be to tell her to stop so much as it would involve your leaving as politely as you could.

Sometimes you can tell someone a boundary. I told my mother that she was not allowed to hit me anymore. She laughed at me when I said it. The next time she went to hit me (I saw her hand raise) I walked away and left. I didn't answer her calls to me for a while. When I was calmer I told her that she is not to raise her hand to hit me.

That was the last time she ever raised her hand to me.

But most boundaries do not have to be things you talk about. I spoke up about the hitting as it was the one thing even she could tell was not right to do. She had trouble ever admitting she said the bad things she would say to me, but the hitting she knew was wrong.

Simply tell your siblings that you agree with them that you need to heal from the way you were treated by your mother so you can put it behind you. Tell them that this is why sometimes you need to stay away... it is because you haven't finished healing but you are really trying to heal.

Don't try to convince them about why you need to heal or that you really were abused right now. I think that they just can't see that yet (for some reason... maybe you can figure out why.) Just focus on explaining that you are working on improving yourself.

I still think getting your own therapist would be very very helpful. Then maybe down the road your therapist could meet them and explain it to them. Sometimes hearing something from a professional is useful.

I'm glad I came here for advice

I always felt that if I didn't tell her my boundaries and what I was doing that I was abandoning her, or being hateful in some way. Now I can see more that I'm not, and that it was her manipulation that was/is causing me to think this way.

See, the problem is my brother and sister don't think I have anything to heal over. They think I'm just over reacting and that its not that big of a deal. I've realized I may never make them understand.

I so wish I could start seeing someone, but I can't afford a therapist, I'm just a student. But I pray that someday, God would open that door for me.

 

[Akathist]

I'm glad I came here for advice

I always felt that if I didn't tell her my boundaries and what I was doing that I was abandoning her, or being hateful in some way. Now I can see more that I'm not, and that it was her manipulation that was/is causing me to think this way.

See, the problem is my brother and sister don't think I have anything to heal over. They think I'm just over reacting and that its not that big of a deal. I've realized I may never make them understand.

I so wish I could start seeing someone, but I can't afford a therapist, I'm just a student. But I pray that someday, God would open that door for me.

Are you a student at a university or college? If so, there would be therapist on staff for you to see. Ask your advisor or go to the health clinic and ask about it.

Another option is to call your local domestic violence hotline (look in the yellow pages). They might be able to direct you to a free group in the area.

If you income is low, there might be some mental health counseling available that is based on income. Look in the yellow pages under "Mental Health" and call around. Look especially for agencies that are very large or have a State or County name.

Some minister's have had some training in counseling as well. You might ask your minister for help to find someone even if they are not trained themselves.

 

[Akathist]

Oh, BTW, I regularly hear my mother complain to me and to her friends in front of me that I am mean to her and ignore her! I just shrug when she says that and ignore it. I know that I try very hard to be polite even when I leave because of something she says to me.

Just because she says something, doesn't make it true!

 

[UnitynLove]

Oh, BTW, I regularly hear my mother complain to me and to her friends in front of me that I am mean to her and ignore her! I just shrug when she says that and ignore it. I know that I try very hard to be polite even when I leave because of something she says to me.

Just because she says something, doesn't make it true!

You took the words out of my mouth.