getting married without parental blessing?

[pivotpivot]

Last October, my fiance (23) proposed to me and I (23) said yes. We announced our good news to our parents and his mother (his father passed away) who has been fully supportive of us from the day we've met was ecstatic. My parents who are a minister couple, on the other hand, weren't. I graduated from university last May with a science degree and will be attending graduate school in California. My fiance is also planning on seminary in California and is graduating from bible college in a couple months.

My parents have asked us to wait 3 more years until we're done grad school and I have a stable job. Because my father's a pastor, they have very high expectations for my fiance and his ministry. Both my parents have very good intentions toward us. But, they can't come to terms with the fact that we will both be in school (my fiance will be working part-time) if we get married this year. They feel that we're copping out and mixing up our priorities. They feel that schooling should come first and we should have a stable income.

We are both planning on going to California for school anyway, and have been dating for three years to this date. We desperately do not want to wait another three years. We are confident in this decision, but my parents (also being conservative Asians) say that they will not come to the wedding and that I will be cut off from the family forever.

They say that as their child that I should not only respect but also obey their decision. I believe that a parental blessing is very important, but I also do believe that they are asking for more than a consideration of their opinion, but complete surrender of to their will. My fiance can't find it in him to wait another 3 years while being separate in California and my parents won't budge. I want to push forward with our decision, but am fearful of the repercussions of a marriage without a parental blessing.

Independence is definitely needed.
What is a girl to do?

 

[Monaleezza]

Mercy. I think it'd be easy to say, "you're old enough to make your own decisions" but I don't fully understand your culture and the likelihood of your parents truly cutting you out of the family for good.

I guess what you have to decide is whether you love him enough to take that risk?

Could you propose a compromise and wait a year? Have a longer engagement and spend an extra 6 months planning the wedding. That way less of your marriage will be while you're both students - maybe your parents may find that compromise easier to swallow?!

 

[pivotpivot]

We took a marriage and family course that taught about leaving and cleaving. My fiance and I, when we started talking about marriage, wanted to go to school in the same area and live together. When his mother heard this idea, she was fully supportive and wanted to help us financially. She would have been paying for his housing, anyway, so she was positive that she wanted to help us out for a year and a half, just until I'm certified to work as an RN. She respects our decisions as adults and says that she wants to act as a parent, contingent on our decision, not vice versa. She can't really understand my parents either. This is probably their biggest concern. What do you think?

 

[Monaleezza]

Inevitably it's a decision you'll have to make on your own. Not even your partner can decide for you.
Are you willing to risk losing them?
Do you need their support?
Is marrying him now more important than waiting and having their blessing?
Are they really even serious or are they just acting spoilt and digging their heels in for not getting their own way?
Or will they come around just before the wedding when they realise you do know your own mind and you are actually serious?

But as I say again, I don't know your culture and if they still see you not just as their child but as A CHILD, until the day you marry, then maybe your decision not to take their advice is truly hurting them and you'll have to decide whether you do what to hurt them in this way?!

Talk to your parents! Discuss with them how rational/irrational their concerns are!
Discuss with them the plans you've made to ensure you can combat all the problems they predict.
Inform them that you've attended marriage classes and you've put measures in place to ensure you're fancially secure.
Show them where the money is coming from, show them your budget and show them how you plan to live.
Do whatever it takes to reassure them that your decision is the right one.
Put the onus back on them!! Tell them that you can and will marry him, but that it will be easier with their support and you'd rather succeed having it than have to succeed not having it!
If they still won't come around, then I guess the decision is back with you whether to cancel or to go ahead.

As for me, personally, I would go ahead. But I'd keep in contact with them, even if they ignore me.

God bless any decision you make. I know it can't be easy. If you're not comfortable with a decision don't make any! Wait and be patient! When you can find some peace with your decision you'll know you're making the right one.

 

[Nobility]

They say that as their child that I should not only respect but also obey their decision.

I'm just going to point out the problems with what they said. In the bible it says for children to obey their parents. The best way I can describe this is using the swahili language. Mwana means child as in offspring, and mtoto means child as in young person. This verse is talking about an mtoto - a young person.
Now theres another verse that sayr honor your parents, I'm sure this is talkinga bout offspring, not "children".

The point to what I'm saying is you aren't bound to blindly obeying but making decisions that are right, and honoring there opinion by throughly looking at it.

 

[ardeur]

I am in the exact same position! His parents are fully supportive of us getting married, yet my mother wishes that I would not date at all and take another 3 years or so to establish a career and continue living on my own.

I am so sorry! I too need independence from my parents and it is so difficult, especially when they threaten to not give their blessing or be at the wedding.

 

[overit]

I'm not engaged so mods can feel free to delete, but I did have a comment for the OP.

Personally I think your parents are right to encourage you to wait and it would probably be the wisest thing to do, so they are encouraging you to do what is best and want the best for you I'm sure.

That said, at 23 if you still decide to go ahead and get married just because you can't wait (which I don't understand this logic-you live till your 80's..isn't that enough years of marraige even if you wait another 3 yrs?) your parents SHOULD accept that.
It is my opinion that they are being too controlling and manipulative on their ways to go about this even if they are recommending the smartest thing to do.

Final decision at 23 should be yours, but I'm not sure how the culture differences affect the decisions and way your parents behave.

SO, with THAT said, even if your parents are being too controlling and ridiculous by threatening to cut you out of the family and shun you, are you willing to negatively impact and lose the relationship with the people that gave life to you for the rest of your life?

You will need your parents, your children some day will want and need to be around the grandparents, parents can support us in hard times of marriage, love and be a wonderful extended family. If you make this choice just because you can't wait (again, why not?) the consequence (even though not fair) is huge...are you willing to risk that?

I strongly suggest all of you talking together and trying to reach a compromise. Maybe wait another 1 yr or 2 , would they support you then? Obviously you want to ensure that their control and manipulation won't spill over into the marriage also and you may have to respectfuly but firmly set your boundaries.

Boy, all I can say is you are in a rough situation, and though your parents are being extreme, they do have the soundest advice I've heard in a long time, and us kids would be so much better to heed the advice of our parents that want and most of the time are right about what's best for us Consider it maybe? Maybe they're using the wrong method (threats), but is it really that unrealistic or impossible to wait a bit? You are both so young, you have decades upon decades to be married. Why not finish, get stable and then go for it? Or at least attempt to throw the 1 -2yr wait in there?

Good luck!

 

[Tim114]

That said, at 23 if you still decide to go ahead and get married just because you can't wait (which I don't understand this logic-you live till your 80's..isn't that enough years of marraige even if you wait another 3 yrs?) your parents SHOULD accept that.

Live to 80 might be a 'long' stretch of time, but look at it this way. Menopause has the average on set age of 51 (ie, this is just the mean, it can happen a little before or a little after.). From the age of around 35-40 the reproduction organs of humans slowly shutdown and can be the cause of complications with pregnancy or birth defects from around age. Biologically, (from my limited understanding) if you are looking to have children it is better for both them and you to be having them younger then 30-ish.... in my opinion.

Now back to topic

 

[infaile]

pivotpivot, I am in a similar situation, although my fiance is not in the ministry. I am Asian and he is British; he's had difficulty adjusting to my family's ideas of culture and respect, and so have I to be honest (I was born and grew up in Australia, so I don't think of myself as Asian most of the time). For a long, long while we struggled - our relationship wasn't a relationship, it was a fight to stay together.

We're now in the situation of having fought so hard that my parents gave in, and now we're getting married a bit sooner than I expected. Good and bad points about that! But essentially - pray, pray, pray. Pray for yourself and your fiance - pray to know God's will in this situation, that He will open/close doors to guide you in your decision, and try to keep the impatience to become one out of the picture. My fiance is quite impatient and he doesn't want to wait any longer, but if you have any qualms at all you need to bring them up now, talk about them with him, and work out a plan of action.

Pray also for your parents, that if their refusal to bless your union is God working to tell you two to "wait", that they will learn to give you that advice in a less ultimatum-esque manner. They may be right (or not), but the way they have come across in your post is not very Christian.

Remind them that we are called to chastise each other GENTLY, to encourage and lift up as well as correct others' mistakes, and that they as ministers should pay even closer attention to the loving nature of Christ and the example they are bound to follow as His representatives on earth.

I wish you all the best - try not to stress out, I know it's hard when you're caught between your partner-to-be and your family, but - pray.