Hi there,
I've been thinking a little whether I should write about this here or whether I should simply go to God with it and leave the issue be with that, but eventually I figured that it would not hurt to talk about it.
The matter is this, from age 15 to age 27, while I was not a christian, I practiced various forms of transvestism and thought about coming out as a transsexual. However, the thing was so that I've always felt that I was harming my self with the transsexual stuff. I knew I was abusing myself with the porn and all that came with it. I read up on the thing in the internet and found that what I had was practically a form of autogynaecophilia, meaning that I got a sexual thrill from imagining myself being a woman, particulary when it comes to sex. I was pretty deep into the whole thing, although I pretty much told no one about it and never actually got in touch with other transsexuals or "admirers". I often felt a sexual thrill from these things, but after the "high" was gone, I would feel empty and dirty and self abused. And the more I got to know God and pursued orthodox teaching, the more I was convinced that transsexualtity is an aberration.
To cut the story short, in 2006 I met a christian lady with whom I prayed about this issue. I opened up and confessed the problem before God and that I wanted to get rid of it. In the same moment I felt thoroughly shaken inwardly and felt liberated. From that time onwards I haven't looked at transsexual porn again and don't feel a desire to do so. About two years later I gave up all masturbation and feel no regret about it. It comes easily to me.
Now the thing for me, why I am writing this here, is that I want to get in touch with my original masculinity. When I experience myself in life, I feel I am not very manly, in many things. I am squeamish when it comes to pain, a softy when it comes to feelings, and I have no typically male kinds of hobbies. And with 31 I am still a single.
I am at a loss about what masculinity really is and feels like. The closest I have come was when I had a big crush on a woman around 10 years ago. For about 4-5 months, the transsexuality had gone away completely and I felt strong and virile, like I guess normal men always feel. But once this passed the feeling left me, which was really hard to bear. I don't really have anyone competent to talk about this with me. My mother knows and assures me of her care and love, my best friend knows and he doesn't put me down for it either. I am very ashamed of the whole thing. I feel like it utterly distorts me.
I have no deeper problems with the matter anymore, I think God has really healed me from it, but sometimes in the night I have sex dreams that go back into this terrain, ie in some dreams I am a woman and touch. Sometimes I notice what is going on in the dreams and wake up, sometimes it's like I am slipping back into my old adamistic identity and enjoy the sex dream. I do have the strong suspicion that I am assaulted by a demon when these things happen. Lately I've gotten much better and haven't had such dreams again for a month or so.
Basically, I want to tidy up. I want to brush off all remnants of the transsexuality and return to a pure heterosexuality like I knew it at the beginning of my puberty with 14, when anything was normal still, as far as I can tell. But I have problems while I am trying this. I don't feel attractive as a man ... I have little in my body in terms of muscles, and only an ugly, fuzzy beard. Since around 10 years I also have schizophrenia and it's not easy at times. I don't meet many other men. I joined a men's group of my church about one and a half years ago, but I could not relate to them well. While they talk about work and family and sports, my thoughts move around theology, philosophy, poetry and other art.
Do you have any idea or advice for me? I basically feel pretty clueless about my identity as a man. I feel a desire to be desired by a woman. I would like to turn a head sometimes. I wish I could talk with my father about it, but he would despise me for the transsexual stuff, he is a very manly man. He's not cruel or anything and he would not throw me out of the house, but still I don't want to encounter contempt and disdain.
Any ideas?
Oh yes, and that's how I look now, just a normal photo:
I've been thinking a little whether I should write about this here or whether I should simply go to God with it and leave the issue be with that, but eventually I figured that it would not hurt to talk about it.
The matter is this, from age 15 to age 27, while I was not a christian, I practiced various forms of transvestism and thought about coming out as a transsexual. However, the thing was so that I've always felt that I was harming my self with the transsexual stuff. I knew I was abusing myself with the porn and all that came with it. I read up on the thing in the internet and found that what I had was practically a form of autogynaecophilia, meaning that I got a sexual thrill from imagining myself being a woman, particulary when it comes to sex. I was pretty deep into the whole thing, although I pretty much told no one about it and never actually got in touch with other transsexuals or "admirers". I often felt a sexual thrill from these things, but after the "high" was gone, I would feel empty and dirty and self abused. And the more I got to know God and pursued orthodox teaching, the more I was convinced that transsexualtity is an aberration.
To cut the story short, in 2006 I met a christian lady with whom I prayed about this issue. I opened up and confessed the problem before God and that I wanted to get rid of it. In the same moment I felt thoroughly shaken inwardly and felt liberated. From that time onwards I haven't looked at transsexual porn again and don't feel a desire to do so. About two years later I gave up all masturbation and feel no regret about it. It comes easily to me.
Now the thing for me, why I am writing this here, is that I want to get in touch with my original masculinity. When I experience myself in life, I feel I am not very manly, in many things. I am squeamish when it comes to pain, a softy when it comes to feelings, and I have no typically male kinds of hobbies. And with 31 I am still a single.
I am at a loss about what masculinity really is and feels like. The closest I have come was when I had a big crush on a woman around 10 years ago. For about 4-5 months, the transsexuality had gone away completely and I felt strong and virile, like I guess normal men always feel. But once this passed the feeling left me, which was really hard to bear. I don't really have anyone competent to talk about this with me. My mother knows and assures me of her care and love, my best friend knows and he doesn't put me down for it either. I am very ashamed of the whole thing. I feel like it utterly distorts me.
I have no deeper problems with the matter anymore, I think God has really healed me from it, but sometimes in the night I have sex dreams that go back into this terrain, ie in some dreams I am a woman and touch. Sometimes I notice what is going on in the dreams and wake up, sometimes it's like I am slipping back into my old adamistic identity and enjoy the sex dream. I do have the strong suspicion that I am assaulted by a demon when these things happen. Lately I've gotten much better and haven't had such dreams again for a month or so.
Basically, I want to tidy up. I want to brush off all remnants of the transsexuality and return to a pure heterosexuality like I knew it at the beginning of my puberty with 14, when anything was normal still, as far as I can tell. But I have problems while I am trying this. I don't feel attractive as a man ... I have little in my body in terms of muscles, and only an ugly, fuzzy beard. Since around 10 years I also have schizophrenia and it's not easy at times. I don't meet many other men. I joined a men's group of my church about one and a half years ago, but I could not relate to them well. While they talk about work and family and sports, my thoughts move around theology, philosophy, poetry and other art.
Do you have any idea or advice for me? I basically feel pretty clueless about my identity as a man. I feel a desire to be desired by a woman. I would like to turn a head sometimes. I wish I could talk with my father about it, but he would despise me for the transsexual stuff, he is a very manly man. He's not cruel or anything and he would not throw me out of the house, but still I don't want to encounter contempt and disdain.
Any ideas?
Oh yes, and that's how I look now, just a normal photo: