Getting divorced

[wisdom- needed233]

We met in an online Christian chat room I was 17, he was 20. We talked daily for three years, then we dated in person for two, and we're married for five years. He had a very bad relationship with his dad, his dad was always an angry man and verbally abusive to him. He was taken out of school at age eleven, and he says he was home schooled but very poorly. I have a bachelors degree and a normal relationship with both of my parents. Our marriage was very rocky. He was jumping from job to job. First job one year and six months, next six months then eight months then I got overwhelmed and became chronically depressed. He then was unemployed for a year and a half. I moved to my parents house after I got sick and stayed with them for six months. I went back to him worked two jobs and he was without work. He wanted me to buy us a house, I said no I don't want to be the provider, I said I want to move back to my parents house and try to become a nurse. He said if u go we are getting divorced. He will never make me happy with his lack of leadership. Is it wrong for me to have left? He said he wanted kids when we we're dating then we got married he said we can't afford them. Of course. So I left because he couldn't hold down a job and kids of course could never happen.... am I wrong to have left and been OK with divorce? Am I supposed to financially support a husband as if he is a child?
I still love him and care about him so I'm experiencing loss even though the circumstances.

 

[Avniel]

I don't think economics needs to be a reason for divorce. THe number one reason people leave each other is because of money. The bible teaches us that the love of money is the root of all evil and look how money divides marriages. If I were you, I would ignore and do what I have to. Once you speak about something in the marriage if people don't want to change it doesn't mean the love ends. If you still love him why are you leaving? Do you leave so that he can change his behavior? What does he want to do? He left school at 11 was he ever given the chance to even figure out his skills, his dreams and was he ever exposed to the possibilities life has?

I say stay married, ignore his foolishness and do what you have to inorder to secure a future. You don't have to be a person's slave but you still don't have to leave him.

Here in america we put so much on money. When I retire I do want to live in a country that isn't so money, money, money........you love him

 

[wisdom- needed233]

I don't think economics needs to be a reason for divorce. THe number one reason people leave each other is because of money. The bible teaches us that the love of money is the root of all evil and look how money divides marriages. If I were you, I would ignore and do what I have to. Once you speak about something in the marriage if people don't want to change it doesn't mean the love ends. If you still love him why are you leaving? Do you leave so that he can change his behavior? What does he want to do? He left school at 11 was he ever given the chance to even figure out his skills, his dreams and was he ever exposed to the possibilities life has?

I say stay married, ignore his foolishness and do what you have to inorder to secure a future. You don't have to be a person's slave but you still don't have to leave him.

Here in america we put so much on money. When I retire I do want to live in a country that isn't so money, money, money........you love him

 

[wisdom- needed233]

I have already moved to my parents house for three months,he won't take me back he says we have to finish the divorce. He has an online Christian dating profile up already. He still would like to keep talking to me but he says only as friends.

 

[Avniel]

I have already moved to my parents house for three months,he won't take me back he says we have to finish the divorce. He has an online Christian dating profile up already. He still would like to keep talking to me but he says only as friends.

Well pray for him and pray for yourself. Don't stand between someone and their wrong. What can you do? I know it's easier said then done but all you can get out of that situation is heart ache if you continue to doubt his choices.

Have you told him you still love him and want the marriage to work? If you have and there was that conversation than there is nothing else you can do.

 

[Angeldove97]

I have already moved to my parents house for three months,he won't take me back he says we have to finish the divorce. He has an online Christian dating profile up already. He still would like to keep talking to me but he says only as friends.

He's moved on, so you need to move along too. If one of your life goals is to have financial stability and to have children, he clearly does not fit into those goals, and ending the marriage may be the best thing. Financial stability is not a bad reason to divorce someone - you're not looking to get rich, but you do want to be able to pay your bills, have savings, and have enough money to cover your family budget.

Money is really tough - love love love my husband (met online in college, met in real life after 2 years, dated for 5 years before getting married, married for 4 and half years), he does work full-time, but I make more than he does and am working full-time plus taking on more roles at work to get paid more. We are trying to get our financial budget and bills taken care of - it's tough though. We do fight about it, but I'm trying to work really hard on myself to bring it up and plan it out in a way that puts us on a positive track. But it IS sooooo hard....

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

The fact he already has a dating profile up tells me he doesn't care. And it shows me his views on divorce, so not sure what you can do at this point. I personally don't believe in divorce, but thats just me.

As for the money and kids issue. Well as stated money is a massive problem for couples. Its a terrible reason to leave someone over. Single or not life will not be easy when it comes to having money. Unless you got the perfect job making the perfect amount of money. Even then things will come up and you will have financial issues. Now I also wouldn't leave someone over not wanting kids. My feeling (and its usually not accepted by many) is that you marry someone with the intent on wanting to be with them. If you marry with a bigger intent of having kids then it may leave that person feeling like they were a means to an end. Not that I know if thats how you felt of course, I don't know you.

From seeing couples it seems like both can, for lack of better words be selfish about the subject of kids. The wife tends to feel the husband is selfish about not wanting them, like shes being robbed out of them. And the husband tends to feel the wife is being selfish because hes being robbed of other things. But wanting kids seems to cause many issues with couples. In todays world it is true you have to have stable finances to have one. You can't just have a child and hope for the best. As I say God is not a genie. He expects us to think about what we want to do. And really I believe if God wants kids to happen, they will happen no matter how much "protection" someone uses. A condom is not going to stop God from blessing you with kids if He had them planned. But again, thats just me. I personally want to have a little girl. But currently our situation is sort of like your in terms of my wife can only find part time work making minimum wage and I am on SSI and unable to work. So for now I feel we aren't ready yet. I am always praying soon though things change.

You did mention you don't want to be the provider. Is there a reason why? Is it related to Christianity and that then man usually is the "bread winner"? I only ask because in todays world people that have kids have to both work just to afford them. Some even work two or three jobs. Of course I am not saying you should provide it all. But finding a job is not easy. At least around here trying to find a job is hard. Its usually far away or pays next to nothing. Even myself I've tried looking and those jobs I could even attempt to try and far away and I have no way to get there.

I'd also say we have to remember that we may have goals in our own head. And sometimes we leave others because we don't see the future we want working out. But we have to remember that God is in control. His plans are not ours. We can have hopes and dreams and pray for God to provide them of course. But in the end He knows our future and what He would like to see us do. For me? I never planned to marry someone outside of a certain area. But my wife is literally from the other side of the planet. Just like those stories of couples who had this list of things they wanted in a spouse. But by Gods will they met some person who was nothing like what they wanted on their list. And they fell in love, married them...etc. Now they see God knew better.

Whether or not your husband will come back to you is up to him of course. Its his free will. But I'd pray God softens his heart so you two can make things right. If all goes well this will strengthen your marriage since its a trial you went through. Although I will say the moment someone mentions divorce, then its already in their mind and its going to grow like a weed unless they get rid of the weed.

BTW are you divorced yet? Because if you are not yet and he has a profile then biblicaly hes cheating on you. Talking to other women, doing who knows what in chats. Hes still accountable to God while you two are legally married. Again you can't make him not talk to other women, but he will have to answer for that when he is before God. Pray for him no matter what happens. And pray for guidance for yourself. Nothing is impossible.

 

[wisdom- needed233]

The fact he already has a dating profile up tells me he doesn't care. And it shows me his views on divorce, so not sure what you can do at this point. I personally don't believe in divorce, but thats just me.

As for the money and kids issue. Well as stated money is a massive problem for couples. Its a terrible reason to leave someone over. Single or not life will not be easy when it comes to having money. Unless you got the perfect job making the perfect amount of money. Even then things will come up and you will have financial issues. Now I also wouldn't leave someone over not wanting kids. My feeling (and its usually not accepted by many) is that you marry someone with the intent on wanting to be with them. If you marry with a bigger intent of having kids then it may leave that person feeling like they were a means to an end. Not that I know if thats how you felt of course, I don't know you.

From seeing couples it seems like both can, for lack of better words be selfish about the subject of kids. The wife tends to feel the husband is selfish about not wanting them, like shes being robbed out of them. And the husband tends to feel the wife is being selfish because hes being robbed of other things. But wanting kids seems to cause many issues with couples. In todays world it is true you have to have stable finances to have one. You can't just have a child and hope for the best. As I say God is not a genie. He expects us to think about what we want to do. And really I believe if God wants kids to happen, they will happen no matter how much "protection" someone uses. A condom is not going to stop God from blessing you with kids if He had them planned. But again, thats just me. I personally want to have a little girl. But currently our situation is sort of like your in terms of my wife can only find part time work making minimum wage and I am on SSI and unable to work. So for now I feel we aren't ready yet. I am always praying soon though things change.

You did mention you don't want to be the provider. Is there a reason why? Is it related to Christianity and that then man usually is the "bread winner"? I only ask because in todays world people that have kids have to both work just to afford them. Some even work two or three jobs. Of course I am not saying you should provide it all. But finding a job is not easy. At least around here trying to find a job is hard. Its usually far away or pays next to nothing. Even myself I've tried looking and those jobs I could even attempt to try and far away and I have no way to get there.

I'd also say we have to remember that we may have goals in our own head. And sometimes we leave others because we don't see the future we want working out. But we have to remember that God is in control. His plans are not ours. We can have hopes and dreams and pray for God to provide them of course. But in the end He knows our future and what He would like to see us do. For me? I never planned to marry someone outside of a certain area. But my wife is literally from the other side of the planet. Just like those stories of couples who had this list of things they wanted in a spouse. But by Gods will they met some person who was nothing like what they wanted on their list. And they fell in love, married them...etc. Now they see God knew better.

Whether or not your husband will come back to you is up to him of course. Its his free will. But I'd pray God softens his heart so you two can make things right. If all goes well this will strengthen your marriage since its a trial you went through. Although I will say the moment someone mentions divorce, then its already in their mind and its going to grow like a weed unless they get rid of the weed.

BTW are you divorced yet? Because if you are not yet and he has a profile then biblicaly hes cheating on you. Talking to other women, doing who knows what in chats. Hes still accountable to God while you two are legally married. Again you can't make him not talk to other women, but he will have to answer for that when he is before God. Pray for him no matter what happens. And pray for guidance for yourself. Nothing is impossible.

 

[wisdom- needed233]

Hi thank you for your response. We are still legally married. I have not finished the divorce paperwork, we had filed jointly but now that I been getting closer to God I feel like it's wrong of me to divorce him, so I haven't finished the paperwork, hence the court has not divorced us, he kept calling and texting me saying mean things like we are getting divorced one way or the other, and if I don't finish the paperwork he will have to divorce me the traditional expensive and long way and threatened to never talk to me again. So about ten days ago I changed my number and emailed him saying I changed it. He wrote back why did I do that? I said well you have a dating profile up I can't be talking to ty out while you are doing that. I deleted him off my Facebook and instagram, at this point I'm just praying for myself and him to get close to God. All I know is last time I talked to him on the phone he kept asking me who am I texting when I was just checking my phone and he said maybe we shouldnt talk to each other anymore. Am I wrong to have changed my number? But if he's wanting to pursue divorce and has a dating profile up online I'm trying to guard my heart...I think we should both work and I think God made the woman to want to be home with children and the man should be the leader of the home

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

1 Timothy 5:8
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.



He's a bum.

 

[Angeldove97]

Am I wrong to have changed my number? But if he's wanting to pursue divorce and has a dating profile up online I'm trying to guard my heart...I think we should both work and I think God made the woman to want to be home with children and the man should be the leader of the home

Some time apart may be the right thing to do in this situation. He clearly has no clue what he honestly wants if he's flip flopping - wants a divorce but cares about who you are texting (???) - and if you're not 100% sure, I wouldn't personally go ahead with finishing the paper work. I'm sure he knows how to get in touch with you if he needs to have a serious talk about something and you know how to contact him if you need to talk to him about something.

 

[My Shalom]

It's natural to experience loss in a relationship you've known since you were a teenager.

Sometimes I think God takes the world that we think we know and are so comfortable living in and puts it in a blender on puree. And for the express purpose of letting us test our resolve see who we are when it all settles down.
Sometimes, we've come to the end of our rope. We tie a knot and hang on and then that knot frays and lets loose ad we scream and clutch on to the fibers that dangle there and pray all will be OK.
And then those fibers break because of the weight of reality that can't be sustained, suspended, by weakness. We fall and we scream some more and we wonder what's at the bottom of that plummet because it's scary to go into the unknown. Especially when even miserable we were comfortable in our former place.

God doesn't take you where he doesn't think you're strong enough to travel. He doesn't close a door unless there's one cracked just a little bit somewhere else waiting for you to notice there is indeed another door, another way, to better your life than what was in that room left behind.

You're young! Praise GOD! I knew someone who lived in a marriage they hated for nearly 30 years. They wouldn't leave at first because they wanted to work on it. They saw but yet they didn't truly want to recognize they were unequally yoked with a man that sucked the life out of them and cared not at all. Then they became more and more dependent. Their health failed, they weren't as attractive as they once were, they weren't as vibrant as they use to be, and then he being what he was insured there was no place to go unless she wanted to be homeless and free of him.

She died because she had not the will to live in a world where he was all there was.She was 54. Last I spoke to her she said she felt like a ghost.

Yes, I'm sure it hurts now. But it can always be worse.

God be with you.

We met in an online Christian chat room I was 17, he was 20. We talked daily for three years, then we dated in person for two, and we're married for five years. He had a very bad relationship with his dad, his dad was always an angry man and verbally abusive to him. He was taken out of school at age eleven, and he says he was home schooled but very poorly. I have a bachelors degree and a normal relationship with both of my parents. Our marriage was very rocky. He was jumping from job to job. First job one year and six months, next six months then eight months then I got overwhelmed and became chronically depressed. He then was unemployed for a year and a half. I moved to my parents house after I got sick and stayed with them for six months. I went back to him worked two jobs and he was without work. He wanted me to buy us a house, I said no I don't want to be the provider, I said I want to move back to my parents house and try to become a nurse. He said if u go we are getting divorced. He will never make me happy with his lack of leadership. Is it wrong for me to have left? He said he wanted kids when we we're dating then we got married he said we can't afford them. Of course. So I left because he couldn't hold down a job and kids of course could never happen.... am I wrong to have left and been OK with divorce? Am I supposed to financially support a husband as if he is a child?
I still love him and care about him so I'm experiencing loss even though the circumstances.

 

[wisdom- needed233]

Thank you all for your replies. I am doing well sleeping good, eating normal again, doing yoga and Pilates at the gym, working, going to church and spending time with family and friends a lot. Its been three weeks since I have talked to him on the phone and I'm doing really well now thanks to God.

 

[DancingWithGod85]

Hi Wisdom Needed, sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Remember that the Lord is with you always, and that you are a child of his love. Very glad to hear that you are doing well and have had time and space for yourself. As far as finances after terminating your union, I found this post very helpful when my husband and I separated recently. https://blog.thistoo.co/blog/2016/3/4/how-to-determine-support-payments . I needed time alone with God, and getting financial matters out of the way allowed me to focus on that. Remember, "Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles and pray at all times" Romans 12:12.

 

[DZoolander]

To be honest, I don't really know how to read the situation based upon the information you've given. There are a lot of different possibilities.

Let's start with one basic premise. You can't stop a divorce from happening if one party wants it. Sure, you can kick your heels in the sand and basically become non-responsive to the state (which is what "not signing" basically boils down to) - but there's only a certain window that's good for. After that - the petitioner can go to the court and proceed by themselves (with added expense though).

For example, I went through a divorce nearly 20 years ago. My ex-wife didn't respond after she was served (I think she didn't know what to make of it - and thought it would pass). After the 30 day window she had to respond - I went back to my attorney and had him fill out the necessary paperwork to also act on her behalf (in a sense) and go it alone. Six months later - the divorce was final - without ever having her input on it. Both parties don't need to agree to the divorce in order for it to proceed - as that would be in a sense forcing people to stay in a situation they didn't want to - and the state won't do that. The state at some point is only interested in whether or not the division of assets is fair and equitable.

With that in mind - it sounds like your husband is waffling. He's got an online dating profile up - which suggests that he's wanting to move on. But - he hasn't taken the steps that I did to force the divorce along. That could either be due to non-committal to his decision - but given the information you've provided it also could be that he simply lacks the funds to move the ball forward.

You're also waffling. It sounds like you don't want to be with the guy in TRUTH, but it also sounds like you've got a mixture of fear of change/uncertainty - and also Biblical considerations as you read it. Those are at odds with each other.

So - who knows? lol

 

[live4Christ2016]

There is such thing as financial abuse and neglect. Two people are supposed to take care of each other, not just one person doing it all. It sounds like he was expecting you to do it all. He doesn't sound stable enough to be married. I haven't read the rest of the posts here, but if you wanted to go to your parents and separate for a while so you could work on becoming a nurse and he is against it and thinks you should divorce. I'd just go.
He's not willing to work to make your marriage any better.

 

[dhh712]

But if he's wanting to pursue divorce and has a dating profile up online I'm trying to guard my heart...I think we should both work and I think God made the woman to want to be home with children and the man should be the leader of the home

Working should be done by at least one party; ideally it would be the husband so the wife can stay at home with the children, yet this is not a perfect world. Unfortunately, the only way a divorce can be done by God's permission is if there was adultery committed or the person has been abandoned. Financial problems are really difficult problems to go through in a marriage, but they are not permissible by God as a reason for divorce (as someone above mentioned, love of money is the root of evil. God does not promise financial prosperity in our lives; sometimes that will be a trial we have to face). If you do divorce him, you would be committing adultery if you marry someone else (as long as there was no adultery committed, since as I understand from the first post you were the one to abandon him).

Is there anyway for both of you to attend marriage counseling with a pastor? It may be a benefit to consider the vows you both took before God and that the purpose of marriage is to glorify God, not temporal happiness.

 

[live4Christ2016]

I have to disagree. I've seen some cases where I've seen financial abuse. Where money was withheld from the wife to the point where living was unstable. Yes, money is the root of evil, but when a wife and her children are neglected it's time to get out. It's a form of abuse.
The OP is not suffering from physical abuse, but her husband is unstable It seems....is not doing anything to take care of his wife. It's a form of neglect/abuse.
Plus he's been posting to online dating sites. That tells me he has no interest in counselling or working on bettering himself as a husband and a provider or bettering his marriage.
Obviously I don't agree with divorce, but there are different types of abuse....physical, emotional, and financial. I still believe what the OP is experiencing is neglect when it comes to her husband not working...not helping and expecting her to foot the bill for everything.
He also seems very young, immature, and may have never been taught to be responsible.
I don't know. I would like to think they could seek help from a pastor or Christian counsellor, but the fact that he's posting to online dating sites tells me he's moved on.

 

[Observer]

If a husband will not work and is lazy, it means A LOT more than just money. It's saying he doesn't care about your needs, your future or your stress levels. He's happy to dump everything on you and abandon his role as a husband.
If someone physically cannot work due to injury or illness, it's a different story. But we all have to push through depression and unpleasant times and keep working for our well being and future.
I find a lot of people that comment about marriages with this issue have NEVER been faced with being a woman in a Christian marriage with a husband who will not work.

I had no home, no security, debt and misery because of my husband doing that. No potential of having kids or doing anything most married couples do. I never felt married.

I left him after 7 married years and part of it was because of his lack of care about my physical, emotional and financial well being. He wouldn't do a single thing, not even any housework a huge majority of the time, even though he was home all day. He wanted to live as a 13 year old and play his music. It's not compatible with marriage. My husband was also violent and emotionally abusive but refusal to work and putting all financial strain one 1 partner is considered a form of domestic violence in my country's laws. I had no kids or any reason for him to stay home and not work. Obviously it's a different story if one is taking care of children as that's a job.

People can carry on that it's no reason to divorce, or that you can separate temporarily with the goal of reuniting when he changes his personality. After 7 years I was no longer willing to wait.

Only you know what's right for you. It's your life and you only get one. Your husband doesn't own you, contrary to what controlling people would like you to think. God obviously doesn't want people to divorce but he doesn't want his women treated like dirt either. Your husband has free will to abuse the marriage and you have free will to end it. It's very tough, only you can know if you believe he's capable of change or not. I hope it works out for you no matter what you choose.

Don't go back to a man out of guilt if you know in your heart that it can't be the marriage you hoped for and agreed to.