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Gave Up-Blew It

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madison1101

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I blew it last night. I made phone calls throughout the day. Never heard from my sponsor, after two attempts, even when I told her I needed help. I went to a meeting. I even called a total stranger from an AA phone list I got months ago.

I saw my ex and his wife twice over the weekend. Their house, their things, their marriage, I felt so inadequate.

Now, I am totally apathetic, and feeling so hopeless. I don't want to call my sponsor. I called her twice, and I just don't feel like calling her a third time and getting her voicemail. My therapist is out of the country. I called my psychiatrist and left him a message, but he has not called me back either. I don't want to go to my treatment group, as I really don't want to spend two and a half hours out tonight. I just want to curl up and die, but I am not suicidal. Just wishing Jesus would take me home right now.

I have other things going on, like my bankruptcy hearing tomorrow, my finances are horrendous. I have not been to my second job since October, and it is hurting me big time. I am so lonely, I hate it. I am a mess.

Trish
 

madison1101

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TheMainException said:
All hugs Trish. Remember how disgusted you would feel if you drank...and do whatever it takes to not drink. Always remember how you'd feel worse afterwards...numbness for the moment is a fleeting thought.
Click to expand...

I just reread my post and realized that I did not fess up to drinking. I did get drunk last night. I am sober today. I just got off the phone with my sponsor and am getting my head out of my butt, so to speak.

Thanks for the hugs. I needed them.
Trish
 
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BobW188

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Pay attention to what you did wrong Sunday; but focus on what you'd done right up until then.

I don't hold your sponsor entirely blameless here. It's my impression she knew in advance you were going into a dangerous environment. She, or the two of you together, should have arranged for a backup person.

Awful as the prospect is, sit down with her and go over what you should have done at every step that led up to this. Always go in with a plan. You may have to change it to suit events, but at least it's there to be changed.

Finally, remember this: God doesn't judge you on whether you win; but on whether you're still fighting.
 
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Criada

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((((((Trish))))))
Look on it as a bump in the road..it may have slowed you down temporarily, but you are up, and moving forward, and a long way from where you started.
You didn't 'blow it', you had a set back... but you're still in the race.
And you are still a beloved daughter of God
Hang in there, sis.
 
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BlessEwe

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I read this yesterday and was a bit confused, so I am glad you made it clear.

I agree with the others, it is a Burp or a Bump. And I have heard sometimes with a burp we can become stronger because we can do what Bob said and assess what happened.

[QUOTE BobW188:] Awful as the prospect is, sit down with her and go over what you should have done at every step that led up to this. Always go in with a plan. You may have to change it to suit events, but at least it's there to be changed.[/QUOTE]

Also: [QUOTE BobW188:] I don't hold your sponsor entirely blameless here. It's my impression she knew in advance you were going into a dangerous environment. She, or the two of you together, should have arranged for a backup person.[/QUOTE]

Relapse usually shows symptoms before the actual action, and it bothers me she was no where to be found. I had concerns for you the night your family was here. There should have been a back up plan between you and your sponsor. In most every situation doctors, parents, teachers, bosses ect. have someone there for a possible crisis when they can not be reached.
So it is good for the both of you to learn from this not just you, but what can help to prevent this in the future.

I also want to stress that you have worked so very hard sister, you have walked the walk and I am so proud of you. Don't be hard on yourself, but learn as we all must. You also got right back up, and are a winner.

Have you read any relapse prevention books or tapes yet? T. Gorski is a very good read, I would love to take one of his weekend seminars. Most people who want to go into relapse prevention take his coarse. Here is a link to some books>>
Amazon.com: Terence T. Gorski: Books
 
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TheMainException

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I figured you had messed up by the title, but since you had gone into it, I figured I'd remind you of why not to have another, since it often feels worse after having messed up we have a tendency to throw in the towel and lose ourselves more to the substance in order to get rid of the bad feelings. this isn't failure, it's only a fall. We trip, we fall. We get back up again. It's why the counting is something that never worked for me...it never reminded me of good, but how much I was doing wrong whenever I tripped up...I'm glad it reminds you of the good and pushes you onward towards a goal. Don't forget the brightness at the end of the tunnel of darkness that you feel is closing down on you at times...The light gets ever brighter in the darkening of the space you're in now...and when the light is all around you, you can remember the dark of night and know how bright the light truly is for you compared to those who have not felt such hard times.
 
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