Gaining God's View of Marital Beauty
Marriage takes the raw force of sexuality and connects it with emotional intimacy, companionship, family responsibilities, and permanency of relationship. In doing so it provides a context that encourages spiritual growth by moving us to value character, virtue, and godliness over against an idealized physical form.
To prepare for a part in a major motion-picture release in which nudity would be prevalent, an internationally famous actress spent up to five hours a day in a gym, working out with a personal trainer. All this would refine the body-enhancing surgery that had taken place earlier in her life. With enough time and money, and a professional hairdresser and makeup team, virtually any woman can "look good."
I won't deny that one of the reasons I was first attracted to Lisa was because I thought she looked good. But what if looking good became Lisa's obsession? Does God think three hours a day in a gym, working feverishly against the realities of nature to preserve an adolescent stomach (with the hips of a mature woman and the breasts of a nursing mother), is a good and profitable use of time?
Jesus' disciple Peter doesn't leave us to guess the answer. He says, quite explicitly, that women shouldn't focus on an external beauty that requires "outward adornment," but instead aspire after a beauty "of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:3-4).
Notice that in their pursuit of beauty, wives are directed toward creating a beauty that is of great worth in God's sight. Husbands might focus on the wrong things, but Peter still urges wives to direct their lives toward' God's view of beauty. This instruction is crucial for a number of reasons.
In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape laments that Wormwood has allowed his man to get victory over sexual temptation. Screwtape's next step is this: "If we can't use his sexuality to make him unchaste we must try to use it for the promotion of a desirable marriage." Keep in mind here that "desirable" is from a demonic perspective, meaning "disastrous" from a Christian perspective. Referring to demonic hosts, Screwtape continues:
"It is the business of these great masters to produce in every age a general misdirection of what may be called sexual "taste." This they do by working through the small circle of popular artists, dressmakers, actresses and advertisers who determine the fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely...
As regards to the male taste we have varied a good deal. At one time we have directed it to the statuesque and aristocratic type of beauty, mixing men's vanity with their desires and encouraging the race to breed chiefly from the most arrogant and prodigal women. At another, we have selected an exaggeratedly feminine type, faint and languishing, so that folly and cowardice, and all the general falseness and littleness of mind which go with them, shall be at a premium...
And that is not all. We have engineered a great increase in the license that society allows to the representation of the apparent nude (not the real nude) in art, and its exhibition on the stage or the bathing beach. It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits...are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender than nature allows a full-grown woman to be...As are sult we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist - making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible. What follows you can easily forecast!"
The Christian duty of married men is to reverse this propensity and make the "role of the eye in sexuality' less important as we embrace the spiritual reality of what is taking place. Sight will always matter to men - that's how God wired us - but we can become mature in what we long to see. Appetites can be cultivated. Different cultures enjoy different foods because the inhabitants have eaten such foods all their lives. My kids would wrinkle their noses if my wife dropped rice in front of them for breakfast; in China, children would look askew at a bowl of Cheerios.
The same principle holds true for taste in sexual desirability. Different eras appreciate different shapes in women because of whatever happens to be in fashion. While today's supermodels lean toward waifishness (with adult-sized breasts but adolescent stomachs and thighs), an old Sanskrit word (gajagamini) describing the ten-ideal of female beauty in ancient India is literally translated "woman who has the gait of an elephant." History has not come up with the definitive beauty. The debate has never been resolved. What men and women obsess about, fantasize over, and concentrate on will shape what they desire. A godly marriage shapes our view of beauty to focus on internal qualities. The Holy Letter argues that when a man chooses a woman for her physical beauty alone, "the union is not for the sake of heaven." Beauty is wonderful, but it is not the only or even the highest value when we seek Christian marriage.
A single woman is likely to face strong temptations to become the type of woman a man would want to marry - and that might very well compete with the type of woman who lives a responsible life before God. But single women know that men are attracted to a certain physical shape and so might be inclined to put more effort into changing physically than changing internally by growing in godliness. Marriage can set women free from this vain pursuit; once they are married, they can focus more intensely on the internal beauty that God finds so attractive.
This is not to suggest that either men or women should shun the care of their physical bodies and become unfit. Keeping in good shape is a gift we can give to our spouse. But so is the grace of acceptance - particularly on the part of husbands - in recognition that age and (in the case of women) childbearing eventually reshape every individual body. Marriage helps to move men from an obsession over bodies "that do not exist" into a reconsideration of priorities and values.
For instance, marriage calls us to redirect our desires to be focused on one woman or one man in particular rather than on society's view of attractive women or men in general. We men are married to women whose bodies we know intimately. And out of these bodies, our own children have been born. God gives us each other's bodies as gifts in which to delight. But in receiving our gift, we must not covet another's.
On the day I was married, I began praying, "Lord, help me to define beauty by Lisa's body. Shape my desires so that I am attracted only to her." I knew from the book of Proverbs that I was to take delight in my wife, not in women in general. The writer says, "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?" (Proverbs 5:18-20).
I cannot fully explain this without embarrassing my wife, so I'm going to speak generally. God has answered my prayer. The physical characteristics that distinguish my wife are the characteristics that I generally find most attractive in other women.
But just as important is a wife who works on internal beauty, who makes the pursuit of sanctification an even greater pursuit than wanting to fit into a size-four dress. This is a beauty that never goes out of style.
Married sexuality helps form us spiritually by shaping the priorities of what we value and hold in high esteem. Many of us don't realize how truly shallow this world and its values really are. A young man or woman can become ridiculously wealthy and incredibly famous - regardless of whether they are are person of character, high morals, or exemplary wisdom - if they're willing to disrobe in the latest Hollywood blockbuster. The net effect is that many people who aren't able to display one particular body type feel devalued.
I'm convinced that, with God's Spirit within us, we can become enamored with the things that enamor God. By denying myself errant appetites and by meditating and feeding on the right things - including being "captivated" by my wife's love - I will train myself to desire only what is proper to be desired. This doesn't mean I can't appreciate another person's beauty. It does mean I can appreciate without obsessing. I can see without wanting to enter into a sexually or emotionally inappropriate relationship.
Maturity demands that we adopt this view. Evelyn and James Whitehead put it so simply and powerfully: "When the body is love's only abode, change becomes an enemy." From a Christian perspective, change is not an enemy, but it is, in fact, the purpose of marriage - assuming that the change we desire is to become more holy. If my acceptance of my wife is based only on my feelings about her outward appearance rather than on her inner qualities, time will slowly but surely erode my affection.
Those who live only for sexual pleasure and stimulation know only a very limited life -and probably experience a high degree of frustration as time inevitably takes its toll on their aging bodies. Those who find meaning and fulfillment not just in sexuality but in parenting their children, serving God, engaging in a consistent prayer life, and living virtuously have a much broader base from which to enjoy life. A thoughtful and godly marriage will move us in this direction."
Excerpt from -
Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
[Kindle Edition]
by Gary Thomas
Marriage takes the raw force of sexuality and connects it with emotional intimacy, companionship, family responsibilities, and permanency of relationship. In doing so it provides a context that encourages spiritual growth by moving us to value character, virtue, and godliness over against an idealized physical form.
To prepare for a part in a major motion-picture release in which nudity would be prevalent, an internationally famous actress spent up to five hours a day in a gym, working out with a personal trainer. All this would refine the body-enhancing surgery that had taken place earlier in her life. With enough time and money, and a professional hairdresser and makeup team, virtually any woman can "look good."
I won't deny that one of the reasons I was first attracted to Lisa was because I thought she looked good. But what if looking good became Lisa's obsession? Does God think three hours a day in a gym, working feverishly against the realities of nature to preserve an adolescent stomach (with the hips of a mature woman and the breasts of a nursing mother), is a good and profitable use of time?
Jesus' disciple Peter doesn't leave us to guess the answer. He says, quite explicitly, that women shouldn't focus on an external beauty that requires "outward adornment," but instead aspire after a beauty "of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (1 Peter 3:3-4).
Notice that in their pursuit of beauty, wives are directed toward creating a beauty that is of great worth in God's sight. Husbands might focus on the wrong things, but Peter still urges wives to direct their lives toward' God's view of beauty. This instruction is crucial for a number of reasons.
In C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, the demon Screwtape laments that Wormwood has allowed his man to get victory over sexual temptation. Screwtape's next step is this: "If we can't use his sexuality to make him unchaste we must try to use it for the promotion of a desirable marriage." Keep in mind here that "desirable" is from a demonic perspective, meaning "disastrous" from a Christian perspective. Referring to demonic hosts, Screwtape continues:
"It is the business of these great masters to produce in every age a general misdirection of what may be called sexual "taste." This they do by working through the small circle of popular artists, dressmakers, actresses and advertisers who determine the fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely...
As regards to the male taste we have varied a good deal. At one time we have directed it to the statuesque and aristocratic type of beauty, mixing men's vanity with their desires and encouraging the race to breed chiefly from the most arrogant and prodigal women. At another, we have selected an exaggeratedly feminine type, faint and languishing, so that folly and cowardice, and all the general falseness and littleness of mind which go with them, shall be at a premium...
And that is not all. We have engineered a great increase in the license that society allows to the representation of the apparent nude (not the real nude) in art, and its exhibition on the stage or the bathing beach. It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits...are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender than nature allows a full-grown woman to be...As are sult we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist - making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible. What follows you can easily forecast!"
The Christian duty of married men is to reverse this propensity and make the "role of the eye in sexuality' less important as we embrace the spiritual reality of what is taking place. Sight will always matter to men - that's how God wired us - but we can become mature in what we long to see. Appetites can be cultivated. Different cultures enjoy different foods because the inhabitants have eaten such foods all their lives. My kids would wrinkle their noses if my wife dropped rice in front of them for breakfast; in China, children would look askew at a bowl of Cheerios.
The same principle holds true for taste in sexual desirability. Different eras appreciate different shapes in women because of whatever happens to be in fashion. While today's supermodels lean toward waifishness (with adult-sized breasts but adolescent stomachs and thighs), an old Sanskrit word (gajagamini) describing the ten-ideal of female beauty in ancient India is literally translated "woman who has the gait of an elephant." History has not come up with the definitive beauty. The debate has never been resolved. What men and women obsess about, fantasize over, and concentrate on will shape what they desire. A godly marriage shapes our view of beauty to focus on internal qualities. The Holy Letter argues that when a man chooses a woman for her physical beauty alone, "the union is not for the sake of heaven." Beauty is wonderful, but it is not the only or even the highest value when we seek Christian marriage.
A single woman is likely to face strong temptations to become the type of woman a man would want to marry - and that might very well compete with the type of woman who lives a responsible life before God. But single women know that men are attracted to a certain physical shape and so might be inclined to put more effort into changing physically than changing internally by growing in godliness. Marriage can set women free from this vain pursuit; once they are married, they can focus more intensely on the internal beauty that God finds so attractive.
This is not to suggest that either men or women should shun the care of their physical bodies and become unfit. Keeping in good shape is a gift we can give to our spouse. But so is the grace of acceptance - particularly on the part of husbands - in recognition that age and (in the case of women) childbearing eventually reshape every individual body. Marriage helps to move men from an obsession over bodies "that do not exist" into a reconsideration of priorities and values.
For instance, marriage calls us to redirect our desires to be focused on one woman or one man in particular rather than on society's view of attractive women or men in general. We men are married to women whose bodies we know intimately. And out of these bodies, our own children have been born. God gives us each other's bodies as gifts in which to delight. But in receiving our gift, we must not covet another's.
On the day I was married, I began praying, "Lord, help me to define beauty by Lisa's body. Shape my desires so that I am attracted only to her." I knew from the book of Proverbs that I was to take delight in my wife, not in women in general. The writer says, "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?" (Proverbs 5:18-20).
I cannot fully explain this without embarrassing my wife, so I'm going to speak generally. God has answered my prayer. The physical characteristics that distinguish my wife are the characteristics that I generally find most attractive in other women.
But just as important is a wife who works on internal beauty, who makes the pursuit of sanctification an even greater pursuit than wanting to fit into a size-four dress. This is a beauty that never goes out of style.
Married sexuality helps form us spiritually by shaping the priorities of what we value and hold in high esteem. Many of us don't realize how truly shallow this world and its values really are. A young man or woman can become ridiculously wealthy and incredibly famous - regardless of whether they are are person of character, high morals, or exemplary wisdom - if they're willing to disrobe in the latest Hollywood blockbuster. The net effect is that many people who aren't able to display one particular body type feel devalued.
I'm convinced that, with God's Spirit within us, we can become enamored with the things that enamor God. By denying myself errant appetites and by meditating and feeding on the right things - including being "captivated" by my wife's love - I will train myself to desire only what is proper to be desired. This doesn't mean I can't appreciate another person's beauty. It does mean I can appreciate without obsessing. I can see without wanting to enter into a sexually or emotionally inappropriate relationship.
Maturity demands that we adopt this view. Evelyn and James Whitehead put it so simply and powerfully: "When the body is love's only abode, change becomes an enemy." From a Christian perspective, change is not an enemy, but it is, in fact, the purpose of marriage - assuming that the change we desire is to become more holy. If my acceptance of my wife is based only on my feelings about her outward appearance rather than on her inner qualities, time will slowly but surely erode my affection.
Those who live only for sexual pleasure and stimulation know only a very limited life -and probably experience a high degree of frustration as time inevitably takes its toll on their aging bodies. Those who find meaning and fulfillment not just in sexuality but in parenting their children, serving God, engaging in a consistent prayer life, and living virtuously have a much broader base from which to enjoy life. A thoughtful and godly marriage will move us in this direction."
Excerpt from -
Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
[Kindle Edition]
by Gary Thomas