Funnybones!

[Tumbleweed64]

Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!


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• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
  Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
  on the corner.
  Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
  Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
  Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
  cheese sandwich.
  Dispatcher: Excuse me?
  Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
  table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite
  out of it.
  Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
  Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
  Caller: Hi, is this the police?
  Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
  Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
  turkey? I've never cooked one before.
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
  Called: Fire, I guess.
  Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
  Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
  trucks?
  Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
  Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
  my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and
  help me?
  Dispatcher: Help you what?
  Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
  Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
  Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
  Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
  Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
  Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
  Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
  apart.
  Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
  Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.
  
  And the winner is . . . . . .
  
  
• Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
  Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
  Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
  Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
  Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
  Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
  Caller: No
  Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
  breathing?
  Caller: Running from the police.
  

• [/FONT]
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  [/FONT]​

 

[GritsnGrace]

lol!!

 

[GritsnGrace]

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. ​

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. ​

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. ​

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. ​

​

​

​

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.​

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. ​

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. ​

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. ​

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. ​

​

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. ​

​

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. ​

​

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.​

​

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.​

​

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.​

​

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.​

 

[Tumbleweed64]

LOL! good one

 

[GritsnGrace]

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

I had a weedeater years ago that used a specific type of cartridge!! The machine works fine, but they don't make them anymore, so I can't buy any more cartridges!!

 

[MMXII]

Dick Cheney is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and the last item is, sir, five Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God, those poor souls".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible, but I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says "How many is a 'Brazilian'?"

 

[MN John]

I love that one!

 

[Tumbleweed64]

Dick Cheney is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and the last item is, sir, five Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God, those poor souls".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible, but I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says "How many is a 'Brazilian'?"

 

[Heart of a Seeker]

 

[CCe]

I have to share these!!!

 

[GritsnGrace]

DEAD MAN TALKING
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given thatyou are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?
"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
>

 

[Tumbleweed64]

DEAD MAN TALKING
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given thatyou are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?
"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
>

LOL, oh my!

 

[Tumbleweed64]

Why Women Lie


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One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble."Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has! fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm a poor woman and can not take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson." [/FONT]

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[/FONT]​

 

[Tumbleweed64]

Here's one for us "Clerks"

Customer's Guide To Supermarket Shopping


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1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
   
   
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
   
   
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
   
   
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
   
   
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
   
   
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
   
   
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
   
   
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
   
   
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
   
   
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
    
    
11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
    
    
12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.
    
    
13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
    
    
14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT]​

 

[GritsnGrace]

Here's one for us "Clerks"

Customer's Guide To Supermarket Shopping


[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

[/FONT]

1. [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!! [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win! [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]Don't forget rule NO. 8 [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one. [/FONT]
   
   [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]
   [*]If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]

HAHAHA!!! Love it! Love it! Love it!!

 

[GritsnGrace]

 

[Tumbleweed64]

Sounds GRRRRRRRReat

 

[Tumbleweed64]

A guy walks into a bar
he should've ducked....

 

[Tumbleweed64]

[move]BUMP[/move]

 

[Tumbleweed64]

A suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"What's in here?" he asked.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Dirt," the driver replied. "Take them out," the guard instructed, "I want to check them."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, there was nothing but dirt.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Reluctantly, the guard let him go. A week later the man came back, and, once again, the sentry looked in the trunk. "What's in the bags this time?" he asked. "More dirt," said the man. Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The same thing happened every day for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then, one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favour: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."[/FONT]​