Funny stories thread

[JoeWill]

This forum currently needs a funny stories thread to brighten it up a bit.

Please would you prayerfully consider contributing a funny or silly story below. Thank you.

 

[JoeWill]

Right, I suppose I've got to go first...

When I bought a flat to live in (I've got a house now) there was a flat above and a flat below. Everything seemed fine until night time, when there was this horrendous snoring sound. It really was like a hippo snoring - enough to keep me awake anyway.

I always thought it was the guy upstairs, so I used to moan like anything about him to the lady downstairs whenever I saw her. She was such a petite little woman. She used to say "Oh dear, I hope it isn't me you can hear!"

Then the guy upstairs moved out, but the snoring sound continued. Uh ohh... :o

 

[Hentenza]

I have one!!! This is a story that is developing right now.

As you all know I have three granddaughters. Anyone that have children know how curious kids can be. My daughter and her husband where at their house two Sundays ago. They were talking downstairs while the kids where upstairs supposedly playing in their room. My daughter turns to her husband and says "Gee the kids are being awfully quiet. Her husband says, "they are OK, what can they possibly do, burn the house down?". Well my daughter decided to go upstairs and check on them. As she goes up the stairs she hears water running. Well, the girls bathroom is next to the stairs, so when she gets up there she sees water coming out of the bathroom basically flooding the upstairs. Anyone that owns a two story house knows that water follows the rafters and eventually breaks through to the bottom floor.

My daughter yells at her husband to shut off the water but the valve is broken so it takes him a while to stop the water. By that time water has flowed through part of the upstairs and broken through to parts of downstairs.

It turns out that the kids had put rocks and candles, from a decoration that my daughter had in the bathroom, in the toilet which caused the toilet to overflow and water to spill throughout the house.

The funny thing was that, what my daughter and her husband were discussing , was what project they were going to do next in their quest to decorate their house. Well, the kids answered that for them.
They do have great insurance and their house is now being redone.

The moral of the story is that when kids are quiet they are usually up to something and also, never say "what is the worse thing that they can do" because they will surprise you.

 

[Lisa0315]

Okay, I have one. This is what my husband calls a "Lisa Moment".

A few years ago, I wanted to redo our walkway. So, I took a week off work, bought tons of materials, and my son and I worked like dogs clearing out the old walkway material.

One of the things we had to do was remove the stone pavers. Underneath was a layer of gravel, then, a layer of plastic, then, another layer of gravel, I think. Anyway, this was the hardest part about the whole job.

So, I had a brand new wheelbarrow, and my son and I took turns loading it up and wheeling it uphill into the backyard. This was horrible to do. We have a half acre lot and it is straight uphill. Very, very hard. My back is not good anyway, but I thought I was just going to die it was so hard. We had to do trip after trip, pile after pile. Finally, got it light enough that we were able to take the big plastic peach and tug the thing up the hill and dump the rest.

My husband came home and asked, "Why do you have all that gravel in the backyard?" I explained to him how I had bought new white rock and how much better it was going to look. My husband says, "Yeah, but why did you dump the old stuff in the back yard?" I said, "Well it won't hurt anything back there, and maybe one of these days we can reuse it.

My husband looks at me and says, "You mean like in the driveway?" I dumbly repeated, "The driveway?" My husband says, "Yeah, the driveway. The one that is three feet away from the front walk."

That folks is a Lisa moment!

 

[JoeWill]

We are most grateful to brother Hentenza and sister Lisa for sharing their amusing tales with us. Please keep the funny stories coming in.

 

[Hentenza]

Here's a joke a friend of mine emailed to me. It's probably old but here it goes.

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
[FONT=arial,helvetica]
http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Church/[/FONT]

 

[JoeWill]

I used to help out at a children's club run by the Salvation Army. One evening this girl had been teasing one of the boys. Suddenly he seized hold of a big box full of play dough ready to cast its contents over her. The box hovered in the air for a moment, as two Salvation Army women sternly commanded him to put it down. Then, whoosh! He did it! Hundreds of bits of play dough all over the girl and all over the floor. It took the Sally Army women ages to pick them all up. Inwardly I was loving it. He didn't care what anyone said, he'd had enough and he was gonna do it anyway!

 

[~*Lady Trekki*~]

Not my story, but funny none the less...

*Jericho Walls*


The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

 

[Lisa0315]

Not my story, but funny none the less...

*Jericho Walls*


The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

I love that!

Lisa

 

[Lisa0315]

Y'all wanna hear about another Lisa Moment?

Okay, so probably a year or so ago, I was driving to work. My drive takes about 35 to 40 minutes, and there is one part that goes through kind of rough part of town.

Anyway, I saw this little black kid walking down the road beside some one-story apartment buildings. I see a middle-aged white man get out of his car and start following the little boy. The little boy was about five or six years old. The little boy turns around, and by this time, I have stopped my car and I am watching all of this in my rear view mirror. There was just somthing really disturbing about it to me. I literally stopped my car in the middle of the road so I could watch what was happening.

So, the little boy turns around and walks to the guy and gets into his car!!!! I turn my car around and follow the car. It pulls into the apartment complex, and I pull in right beside of them.

They get out and I get out. I walk boldly up to them and I ask the little boy if everything is okay. "Do you know this man? Are you okay? Is everything okay here?"

Upclose, the guy looks even more weird and out of place than from a distance. He has a strange accent and for goodness sakes, he has a crazy eye. I am not making this up!

The door to the apartment opens up and the mother of the little boy comes out. Apparantly, the guy was doing a good deed and was taking the little boy and his mother to the hospital for something. The little boy had some kind of chronic illness.

Anyway, I apologize and leave.

I go home and tell my husband what I did and of course he is very upset with me. He told me what I did was very dangerous and very stupid. I told him that I had prayed and asked for protection, but there was no way I was going to see something like that and not check it out. I then said, "Besides, I had a knife in the car!" My husband says, "What knife?" I told him how I had just ordered a knife for my mother. (The company I work for also owns Calphalon and we get discounts on stuff) Anyway, so I go get the knife to show to my husband.

It is a huge knife, one that is used to cut thick pieces of meat with. My husband turns it over in his hands and says, "Yeah, this knife would definitely hurt someone, but when were you planning on taking it out of the box?"

Lisa

 

[MrJim]

It is a huge knife, one that is used to cut thick pieces of meat with. My husband turns it over in his hands and says, "Yeah, this knife would definitely hurt someone, but when were you planning on taking it out of the box?"

Lisa

Poor husband, bet he's graying prematurely

 

[Lisa0315]

Poor husband, bet he's graying prematurely

No, not at all, actually. Of course, he did have a full head of hair when I met him 22 years ago...

Lisa

 

[MrJim]

No, not at all, actually. Of course, he did have a full head of hair when I met him 22 years ago...

Lisa

 

[Hentenza]

No, not at all, actually. Of course, he did have a full head of hair when I met him 22 years ago...

Lisa

LOL!!! My wife tells me that but 28 years later I have a full head of GRAY hair.

 

[JoeWill]

Do you get kids riding about on those little silver scooters over there in the States? When I was working as a shelf filler in a superstore, these three boys used to burst through the door on scooters, and ride about in the shop. The middle-aged security guard wasn't very fit, but he used to hurry after them. The store was 'L'-shaped, and by the time he had rushed up one end to catch them, they had wheeled around and come down the other! It was a great laugh watching Dave chase those lads all over the place. They used to come in with grins all over their faces - "Yeah! Let's go for it!"