Fun Thread: 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter

[flyingsum0]

8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
by: W. Bruce Cameron​

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

[plum]

#4 made me laugh out loud

reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELmJHrmtCcU

 

[Rochir]

Lol

 

[flyingsum0]

#4 made me laugh out loud

reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELmJHrmtCcU

HAHAHA

 

[JolieHeart]

*giggle*

 

[Abbadon]

Great list. There was one I saw before that had one rule along the lines of:

"I was in the war and I have flashbacks everytime I hear a car pull into my driveway after 8 pm. So when you drop my daughter off and you see two eyes and a gun barrel peering out the window, keep your hands where I can see them until my daughter is in the house and just drive off."

And then there's Bill Engvall's "You see that girl? That's my daughter. And if you ever feel like getting touchy-feely, just remember one thing -- I got no problem going back to prison."

 

[Adammi]

Any teenage guy know that the "8 Rules for Dating my Granddaughter" are much worse.

 

[synger]

My husband and I have decided that before any boy can date our daughter, he has to join us for at least four games. Role-playing games (like Werewolf: The Apocalypse or Champions: Superheros). With men and women who have helped raise Gem.

If he can survive that with good humor, he can take her out.

 

[Avatar]

Those are great!!

 

[UberLutheran]

Do you realize I could go out with your daughter and she'd be perfectly safe - and she'd have a really good time, with absolutely NO chance of us having sex?

 

[Abbadon]

My husband and I have decided that before any boy can date our daughter, he has to join us for at least four games. Role-playing games (like Werewolf: The Apocalypse or Champions: Superheros). With men and women who have helped raise Gem.

If he can survive that with good humor, he can take her out.

I'm torn between saying:

"How old is your daughter, ma'am?"

and

"Be careful, you may end up approving of someone like me."

 

[TheManeki]

Everybody's heard the joke about the father cleaning the shotgun when a boy shows up to date his daughter, right?

Well, that may be a joke, but something happened to me in real life that beat that story:

Back before I met the wonderful lady who is now Mrs. Maneki, I dated a girl whose father was a card-carrying member of the NRA and had a trophy case full of awards for pistol shooting. And I don't mean shooting those little .22 caliber target pistols -- I mean shooting the big Dirty Harry-style .357 and .45 caliber pistols.

After a couple of dates, he invited me to join him on the range. I thought it would be a cool bonding experience, but I couldn't have been more wrong. He set up some targets, and I don't mean the round ones -- I mean the ones shaped like human silhouettes. As he calmly placed round after round in the head and heart areas, our conversation went something like this:

"You're gonna be a real gentleman around my girl, right?" [BANG!]

"Yessir!"

"You're gonna bring her home by 11:00, right?" [BANG!]

"Yessir!"

"And you're not gonna do any foolin' around, son, are you?" [BANG!]

"Yessir! Er...I mean, no sir!!"

He turned out to be a nice guy after all, but that was a very harrowing afternoon.

 

[synger]

I'm torn between saying:

"How old is your daughter, ma'am?"

and

"Be careful, you may end up approving of someone like me."

Only six right now.

And, I certainly hope so. *smiles* There are few enough good solid Christian men around... to pray that she finds one with good humor who enjoys RPGs and SF is icing on the cake.

That is, of course, assuming that she finds she enjoys such things, too. But at this point, she does.

 

[synger]

Do you realize I could go out with your daughter and she'd be perfectly safe - and she'd have a really good time, with absolutely NO chance of us having sex?

*hugs* That's great, Uber! When I was in high school, one of my very best friends was a young Catholic who was struggling with his sexuality. We went out a lot, had a great time, and my parents never... well, seldom... worried about such things.

 

[marvmax]

I liked 5.

Great Video.

 

[Abbadon]

Only six right now.

Uh.... That's a bit young for my taste, nothing personal.

And, I certainly hope so. *smiles*

Thanks.

 

[Loki]

Hockey games are okay.

Hockey game dates are awesome! And if anyone here has ever been to a Michigan game in Yost, they'll know exactly what I'm talking about. (coincidentally, my dad's a State graduate, and got me hooked on the sport by a decade's worth of Spartan games at Munn. Me, I just like the quick pace and the violence).

DH took me on a couple of hockey dates in college, and then was a little sad that I knew more about it than him.

Romantic movies would probably not be a turn-on for the guy, though. Not sure I've met a guy yet who digs chick flicks. Haven't met a lot of women who like chick flicks, for that matter. Who likes chick flicks?