Frustration is setting in...

[5kidsdad]

I guess I'm just having a bad day. I am just wanting some closure to this whole mess. How long does it take? I am dealing with my kids having some issues with the whole mess, they are beginning to act out, and I am trying to deal with them when I have them. Their mom is an absentee mom, leaving her mom to raise them while she is out doing whatever. Be a mom, for crying out loud. The kids are hurting, their world is upside down, be there for them. I have put my life on hold to try and be there for them as much as I am allowed right now. I am trying to keep them as stable as I can when they are with me. Sorry, just mad. I am also confused about her and her family. They have been acting suprisingly friendly toward me. I am cynical, and do not trust them. I want to know, what is the angle, what is the deal? Is this a setup to try and get me in our divorce, or is this a real, genuine stretch to possibly reconcile? I have been lied to so much after I discovered her affair, and have been beaten down to the point I don't trust them at all. I am also aggrivated that she has sinned, and I am facing the music from the government. There is no punishment from the government to her, but I am being stuck in a bad way for now. I know that it isn't over yet. I need to find God's will, and soon. I want to be done...I am trying to prepare for my life with my 5 kids either now, or when thry can make their own decisions. I am just very frustrated. I am sorry to vent here...I just know how wonderful you all are here, and when one of us is down, the others seem to be able to step in, and encourage the others. Thanks for letting me grumble...I am still trying to get used to not having someone to listen to me, either good or bad...sucks going through this.

Thank you all...and God bless.

5kidsdad

 

[Autumnleaf]

They are probably being nice to you so you will help grandma raise the kids while your wife gets half your pay for her fun.

Praying is always good. Just be sure not to roll over while waiting on God. It may seem like giving in to their demands/requests is good but its not. The only way for your wife to ever respect you again is for your to say "no" when she asks you to do something which makes her life easier. If her mother has problems raising the children she will probably put stress on your wife which will help you and the children. Its hard to think strategically like that when you intuitively think that being Mr. nice guy will make her like you again.

Don't worry about what she does. See the kids when you are scheduled to and not more. If you are not available she can't take you for granted. If she can't take you for granted she doesn't control you. If she doesn't control you but she needs your help she will have to bargain with you. At that point she will respect you and you will go from doormat to man in her eyes again.

 

[FaithfulWife]

I agree and disagree with Autumn, in that I have one question. As the PARENT of the children, you have more right to them than the GRANDPARENT. Why don't you arrange it so that you keep them, that way she is free to flit around on her little fantasy as much as she wants. Or in the temporary decree (whatever the legal term is...) state that YOU have the right of first refusal before the grandparents any time she is not directly with the children?

I don't blame you for being upset about all this and hurting and being frustrated. You have every right to move on and send her hind end packing! But just for one moment envision a lighthouse and a ship in a storm. She is NOT thinking clearly and is in the unrealistic world of an affair fantasy. She is not thinking of how the other man also farts in bed, doesn't do dishes, won't pay bills, and doesn't really like her kids. She has this "dream" that they are "soulmates" and he understands her...(blahblahblah). But that is just fake! She also thinks you will disappear, she will insert her perfect love, they will get all YOUR money and all HIS money and the kids and the house and all that you have worked for together over the years...and they will be smooshy forever. Well...that's FAKE; but she doesn't see that!!!

This is where the lighthouse thingy comes in.

Right now the only one in your family who is anywhere near "stable" or in their right mind is you. You MUST be there for yourself, your kids, and your family. Oh I should say it more like this--if anyone is going to be able to do it, it would be you. Your kids are going to fall apart and learn some deeply wrong messages about life, marriage and morality if you don't stand up and stand firm FOR THEM. Your wife will learn some deeply incorrect things too! And yes, she's an adult but we all learn, grow, and develop as long as we live. The kids and your wife NEED you to be a firm, clear, unmoving lighthouse on how to get back to G-d and how to recover the family as much as possible. If she hardens her heart, you can not MAKE her come back but you can keep the rest of your family as together and in tact as possible...and NOT allow your in-laws to interfere with that.

So whilst remaining godly, I still do strongly recommend that you remember that YOU are the FATHER. Oh, shoot. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, and I don't mean to discourage ya--just to give you the encouragement to do the right thing. If wifey won't come around that's her business, but do the right thing for the kids. You can do it!!

 

[5kidsdad]

No, I am not offended or anything. I am just like anyone else...I get discouraged and angry when I feel my kids are not being treated right, It is also frustrating when my youngest asks me if he can come home with me, and wants to stay with me. It is frustrating when the others keep saying that they want to be with me, and don't want to go to school. My heart breaks, because they are the ones being hurt. I am the only "stable" one in their lives right now. I call them every day, and talk to them at about the same time. On the days that I have them, our schedule is almost always the same, so that there is some stability. In the past few months, I have remained the same while she has totally uprooted them from the grandparents to our old home. I am just going through the whole range of emotions right now. I want the kids to be safe, to have a schedule, to have some sense of normalcy, a room of their own, etc. I want that too. I miss the 5 of them like crazy, and want to be with them so bad. My youngest just clings to me whenever I am around. He runs to me or her mom, not my wife...where does that seem right? Kids know who looks out for them, and who is taking care of them, right? I am not a patient person, so this is killing me inside. I am trusting God with prayer and fasting. So no, I am the choir...I just sometimes need a little encouragement.

Thanks, and God bless.

5kidsdad

 

[5kidsdad]

Well, now she wants to settle. "We should have control over where the kids go, etc. blah, blah, blah," The 5 kids are so confused, I'm mad, and their mom is nuts! She actually asked if I was happy with the visitation that "we" are doing now. NO...I want to be with them every day, not part-time. Anyway, I am contemplating what to do...go for it or settle...I need the kids to be safe, and have some sort of stability. That's the update...please pray for my five little children and me. I can't believe that God will not answer our prayers.

God bless,

5kd

 

[FaithfulWife]

I would agree to "settle"--you get the kids, and all other possessions are outright sold and split 50/50 including the house. She can move and carry on her affair without infringement. And if she wants to keep the house, she has to buy you out of your half in full with a bank loan in 30 days--let's see your half of the equity would be... hmmm how much again? Since you have the kids, there is no child support for her, and you're willing to negotiate alimony for the number of years it would take for her to complete an associates degree and get a job so she can support HERSELF. After about two years, you'd be OFF THE HOOK! Or maybe negotiate "I'll give up my half of the house equity in exchange for not paying any alimony."

Summary--you get the kids and the shirt on your back, she gets the house and the mortgage and no other money from you, and everyone MOVES ON. That sounds perfect to me. I'd settle for that sure!

~Faithful

(P.S. Seriously I would settle for that and here's why--you have the kids and basically nothing else, but G-d can work with that! You'd have a job, your kids, and no other entanglements with a person who is not thinking clearly and that's what counts. All else is just "stuff" that G-d lends to us anyway.)

 

[5kidsdad]

I would agree to "settle"--you get the kids, and all other possessions are outright sold and split 50/50 including the house. She can move and carry on her affair without infringement. And if she wants to keep the house, she has to buy you out of your half in full with a bank loan in 30 days--let's see your half of the equity would be... hmmm how much again? Since you have the kids, there is no child support for her, and you're willing to negotiate alimony for the number of years it would take for her to complete an associates degree and get a job so she can support HERSELF. After about two years, you'd be OFF THE HOOK! Or maybe negotiate "I'll give up my half of the house equity in exchange for not paying any alimony."

Summary--you get the kids and the shirt on your back, she gets the house and the mortgage and no other money from you, and everyone MOVES ON. That sounds perfect to me. I'd settle for that sure!

~Faithful

(P.S. Seriously I would settle for that and here's why--you have the kids and basically nothing else, but G-d can work with that! You'd have a job, your kids, and no other entanglements with a person who is not thinking clearly and that's what counts. All else is just "stuff" that G-d lends to us anyway.)

FW, is it OK to say I love you? LOL...I would settle for just custody of the kids, and alimony for 2 years. There is room with my family for me and my 5, so that isn't an issue. As it is now, with support and my half of the mortgage, I will have about $500 left per month...not enough to survive. She is totally into the control of the kids, though. There would be no settlement from her, unless I give into her every whim. I deserve to have a place of my own...my kids would love that. I know that I won't ever be rich now, not like I ever expected it before! As long as the kids are happy and safe, that is all I want. I am calling my lawyer this week, and going to go full tilt for it, present the evidence I have about the lying and the pathetic job she has done with the kids, and see if the word settle instead of being brought up on lying on the court docs helps my cause. I can only hope and pray...

Thanks, and God bless,

5kd