Frustration, Confusion and Sorrow

[Matariki]

Not a nice mix of emotions but there's a heck of allot that's been going on in my mind, allot of its deep but I sincerely concerns me as far as being a Christian goes and representing the Gospel. This is a pretty deep post, but I'm desperate for someone to help me find the answers.



Mods, shift this thread if necessary, however I would be preferred to be informed first, towards any changes that are done regarding this thread.



Recently I've been working alongside with various different psychologists and psychiatrists and it hasn't been an easy ride. My counselor whom I've known for years has been a blessing from God, even though shes not a Christian, shes been extremely accepting of my beliefs and me as an individual. Which is more than what most people have been towards me.

Here are the following diagnoses that I have been diagnosed with;

• GID (Gender identity disorder)
• BPD (Borderline personality disorder)
• C-PTSD (Complex post traumatic stress disorder)
• Aspergers
• Dyslexia

In other words, my brains a wreck. I beat myself up when I do something wrong through cutting, burning and drug abuse. I don't feel deserving of anyone's time or love, and frankly I have days where I just want to end it all. I feel trapped, but the holy spirit keeps persisting that I push on. For what reason, I'm not sure. My mind is confused. I feel guilty for wanting to end my life, Jesus didn't give up on me and I know that me committing suicide would be giving up on him. I don't want my life to be based on living for others, one day I would like to live for me too.


I've been living a secret life, not many people know what I've been through. My family will probably be the last to know.



Issues with GID;

Everyday, its hard not to look in the mirror and see something different than the body that you were given. Its hard when you long to be loved by another, but you can't because your different and the bible doesn't permit it, because it would be committing the sin of homosexuality, even though living with a member of the opposite sex would be homosexuality in my mind. If I can't be me, then why bother living at all? The only time I am free from the issues of my flesh is when I lose myself in what I enjoy doing, unfortunately its a temporary fix. I wear female, masculine styled clothing and men's garments when I can get away with it. I wear my hair short, recently I had a large quantity shaved off. For once I saw the man that I was meant to be.

I get frustrated when other Christians say that I am like this by choice or that I haven't got enough faith, to be honest I've rammed my head into brick walls over this. No one wakes up in the morning and decides to be the opposite sex in their own flesh, and most certainly not for 15 years. I've asked God to free me from this, but my shackles remain. I am beginning to wonder if this is a part of God's plan. I am honored if it is, but the pain can be deeply over whelming. The alienation, the isolation and the sheer ignorance from others has made me extremely depressed over the years, God is good and he knows I'm suffering. Some days the burden is lighter than others, but I know it will be there for as long as I live. I know If speak up, only very few people would be able to understand. Unfortunately my family aren't some of them. During my childhood and teens I've tried hinting, in hoping that they would understand but I learnt otherwise. Living in silence is hell, and I've had to because I've been hurt before by others and unfortunately it was during my time in the church.

I don't blame God though for this, how could I? He didn't do anything wrong. The wrong that has been done to me is by sin and by the hands of others.

Dealing with BPD;

BPD, this is a hard one to talk about because its hard to explain. My emotions flick on and off like a light switch. One moment I'm happy, the next I want to jump off a bridge. Its like riding a daily roller coaster. When I fail or something goes wrong because of me, the pain goes directly onto myself. Who else is to blame? I cut, I burn to release the emotions, I overdose on prescribed tricyclics to rid myself of the pain. Since telling my counselor, I have been on drug control and been kept an eye on by my doctor. What confuses me, is that why does everyone else want me to live? Am I the only who wants to see myself die, to rot and have my grave spat on? Its like everyone can see something that I can't. I don't think I'm a very decent person at all, I see myself as one of the worst of the worst and makes me sad is that I'm dragging the gospel through the dirt through my pain. I feel like that there's a monster within my flesh that hurts everyone around me. That monster is essentially me, my emotions.

Dealing with C-PTSD;

Every night is filled with nightmares of the past, which is why I take the drugs that I'm on. I pray to God to guide me through my nightmares. I have nightmares of the pentecostal church (which I was taught that the world was to end in the year 2000 and If I survived I had to martyr myself), witnessing attempted suicide, being molested and forced to molest others, the death of my younger sister and my uncle, being told that I was good for nothing and that I would never amount to anything by teachers, being bullied by other students. Most of this happened during my childhood.

For a long time I shut myself off to these memories, I forgot. Until similar events took place towards the end of my teens. Why did God choose for me to remember now?

What bothers me the most is the molestation, how many lives was I forced to ruin by own hands? As a child, it got to the point where I started fighting back. I didn't understand what I did wrong, but I felt sick to my stomach. I felt violated in so many ways but I couldn't explain it. Never, and I mean never would I ever dare to ruin lives by my own will. I've put my life on the line protecting people without hesitation. However I live with the guilt by my actions, I had a choice and I'll probably stand before God for judgment, I don't expect him to hold back on me. I deserve whats coming, its only justice. I know it sounds wrong, but there's a part of me that's crying out for punishment if it means justice for those that were hurt. I am that much in guilt. Forgiveness? I don't feel worthy of it.



I am so angry at myself.


Dealing with Aspergers and Dyslexia;


Both of these have been hell to deal with throughout my life. I've been misunderstood through my actions. My way of learning is different, and it takes me longer to absorb information. For years I called stupid and slow by teachers. Its had a huge impact on my self esteem. People still look at me as if I'm stupid, and I beat up on myself for misunderstanding or not meeting my standards. My mother has always told never to tell anyone that have Aspergers, she said that people wouldn't like me. People didn't like me anyway. I'm blunt, foul mouthed, lack social skill and clumsy. I try, but people alienate, and push me away. I don't blame them. I try to see myself from their eyes, but its really hard for me to do.



Sigh, what to do.



I'm sick of burring and running from my pain. Hell, I don't even know If my reaction to what I've been through is normal. Everyday is a war against myself. I don't know how many people can relate, or what words of comfort could be said, but any would be plenty.

 

[LWB]

Hi Matariki,

I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I don't know what to say that could make you feel better, but maybe an unconventional idea may help you to get beyond your current trouble.

Consider that your life is a very valuable gift that allows you to have an experience in a strange but beautiful dimension of physical existence. Your body is like an avatar, like in the movie, and it joins with your spirit, the symbolical self. Man is spirit and flesh, so it is no wonder that sometimes it can be an uncomfortable journey.

I believe the way to be happy is to make peace with that flesh. To care for it, and love it, as if it was on precious loan. To see yourself from an outside perspective, and glimpse the unfathomable compassion and love God holds for you.

 

[lutherangerman]

I don't have any advice but I've prayed for you.

As for feeling unworthy, I bet is that what St. Paul felt. He persecuted the early christians and said he was the worst kind of sinner for that. I've also done really bad things and I don't think my character is good either. Christians are not "The beautiful people", most of us have done really bad things. My own mother who normally is gentle like a lamb once wanted to kill my grandma because she was an alcoholic and out of spite didn't want to see her brother who was a criminal - and a little later he died pretty much alone. This was pretty horrible, but God forgave my mother and loves her. And I've doner really bad things too, like applying for college and getting a good grant from the state and much help from parents only to squander it all to stay in my apt and play video games. Most of us have done something like that. Don't think you are the worst person. We are born with a sin nature, we are ignorant, the devil tries to tempt us in many ways. It's not surprising that we don't come out perfect. Keep the truth and live by it, God won't condemn you. Just believe that He really is love! Some day we will know all the details and the explanation, until then we must just have faith ... all the best, Matariki!

 

[Peripatetic]

I am very sorry for the suffering that you've had to endure. I don't have any answers from a psychological perspective either, but I can tell you this: any brain disorders that are causing you pain now will be eliminated in Heaven. Your body and mind will be perfect, and you will no longer shed any tears. When you look back on your time of perseverance here, I'm quite sure that you will say it was worth every minute.

 

[Matariki]

I've destroyed lives, what justice is there for that expect my own head on a platter?
My pain is my own burden to carry, I feel that Jesus is simply watching. Am I too stubborn to let go even though I have accepted him as my savor? I have tried sharing the weight. The scars are deep, in shame I stand before Christ with my head looking down at the dirt. The same dirt that I will be buried under.

I don't feel worthy, yet alone worthy of living. What am I fighting against, yet alone for? The approval of others by self sacrifice? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm not good enough for the people that I love.

Am I simply spitting on Jesus himself?

 

[joey_downunder]

I am so sorry you have gone through so much.

You said you were molested and forced to molest others - that therefore means your abuse of others was NOT your own fault.
*God knows that you were forced into it.
* God knows you were a child and so didn't have an adult understanding of what was going on.
* God knows that adults were making you do it against your own will.
* God knows that you are truly remorseful now you understand the implications of what happened.
* God knows if you could do anything to turn back time and prevent what happened that you would do that in a hearbeat.

Psalm 51:17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.

Isaiah 61:1-3

Matthew 12:20 A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out,
till he has brought justice through to victory.

Hebrews 4:14-16

I pray that the articles on this link really speak to you - not just your mind but your heart as well. Help and healing for abuse survivors. Compassionate support for both genders As you can see self-harm, gender issues and flashbacks are mentioned.

 

[Quasicentennial]

Reading the holy bible has kept me calm and to be healthy - I choose the right foods that Jesus would eat if he were alive today. I love blueberries: at first thought, I had misunderstood what these wild dark berries were like as if they had no importance to my health of my body, or my mind if I had an emotional rollercoaster ride of a personal life with my parents, family members and friends. I eata handful of blueberries per day to see if this fruit can give me peace besides Jesus who created all life - it's a slow process but over time my health began to get better and at the same time I saw through the chaos of sin the pure love of Jesus who does warn us about the dangers of sin.:*:.

 

[wayfaring man]

Cleansing is what comes to mind.

Study of The Word. Prayer and fasting. ( Or a cleansing diet if unable to fast.)

Seeking the ability to perceive the definitive beauty and distinct advantage of remaining "single for The Lord".

Most everything is tied to other things, in such a way that some things must be dealt with before others can be successfully addressed.

Much frustration comes from focusing our efforts without being in sync with "God's list" of things which need fixing in our life.

For example, generally before one can get over feeling overwhelmed by their own situation, they must first embrace a spirit of good will towards others who are struggling in their own "plight", and possibly even do something which is kind or helpful to them.

Not only does this take our mind away from being obsessively preoccupied with our own burdens, but it also keys us into having mercy and justice together as one and the same.

This is a great feat which Christ made possible by providing for the forgiveness of all of humanity.

So that, being merciful to each other is now our standard of justice, rather than "an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" sort of legalistic "justice".

Therefore, if we need more mercy, we need to be more merciful.

As God is just to measure unto us, in the way we measure unto others.

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: <-----> Luke 6:37

We should commune with our own heart, and identify any unresolved anger or bitter feelings towards others, and then recall Jesus suffering and dying on The Cross, so that humanity's sins could be forgiven, and let the Power of His Forgiveness wash away the harboring of contempt, which chains one to the evils of their past.

This frees us, and allows us to move forward unto much bigger and better things...Things which inspire praise and thankfulness, peace and contentment, joy and charity, in love for The Truth of The Gospel of God and Christ.

May The Lord's Spirit Bring Guidance and Relief. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

wm

 

[Matariki]

* God knows that adults were making you do it against your own will.

I was molested by other children, who were probably molested themsevles.
I don't blame the children who did this to me, I feel extremely sorry for them for they were victims themselves.

The adults simply watched.

 

[Matariki]

Cleansing is what comes to mind.

Study of The Word. Prayer and fasting. ( Or a cleansing diet if unable to fast.)

I'm not sure how starving myself is going to help, I already do that as it is. I can't eat when I'm depressed or anxious. I have a family history of Anorexia in the family.

 

[mustluvmusic]

I'm sorry for your pain. As humans, it's hard to let go of our past sins after we've asked God for forgiveness. In those times, I rely on the following scripture: Romans 5:1-11 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

 

[joey_downunder]

I was molested by other children, who were probably molested themsevles.
I don't blame the children who did this to me, I feel extremely sorry for them for they were victims themselves.

The adults simply watched.

That is so disgraceful.... can't you see by the adults NOT stopping what was going on that was incredibly NEGLIGENT of them at the very least ?!!! They were worse than Accomplices because they were the grown-ups and should have intervened immediately. They knew what was really happening, they had full insight into the situation that all you children DID NOT have at the time.

Have these adults been held accountable? Have they been criminally charged? If not WHY NOT?!!!!

Don't let ANYONE tell you that you do not have the right to get justice. With God's help you can forgive your abusers, but forgiving them DOES NOT mean you do not have to let them off the hook.

 

[wayfaring man]

I'm not sure how starving myself is going to help, I already do that as it is. I can't eat when I'm depressed or anxious. I have a family history of Anorexia in the family.

A healthy perspective of prayer and fasting, may need to be sought before it is found.

May The Lord Be Pleased !

wm

 

[Matariki]

Thankyou for the link joey_downunder it answers allot. I'm currently going through the articles.

 

[joey_downunder]

Yes that is a great website Matariki. I have used it a lot when working through my own personal struggles. I had "only" been in a very destructive relationship in my teens but I have some idea of what you are going through with the flashbacks, I could not get him out of my mind despite being married to a very stable and loving husband. When going out I was always mentally looking out in case he was there (despite having heard that he had moved back to his old city). For years I was dissecting in my mind why I had gone through so much, why I had fallen for his lies, what was wrong with me and so on.

Years ago when I attended a special Bible study specifically for women who were sexual abuse survivors I heard some very painful personal testimonies including a woman who also struggled with her sexuality like you are. She hated her femaleness because of the abuse her grandfather had done to her. She was greatly comforted and felt a lot better about her marriage afterwards. The book used during that study was Amazon.com: The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (9781600063077): Dan B Allender Ph.D., Dan B Allender: Books. You probably would be able to get it in a christian New Zealand bookstore if you wouldn't want to order it online.

I don't know why God permits these things to happen to us, I don't know why some people go through such extreme circumstances like you and why others get things so easy. Somehow He is able to turn these terrible things around for our own good and eventually - through His healing of us - to bless others. I would have no idea of what you are struggling with if I had not gone through extreme emotional abuse and rape as well. God only permits us to go through what we can bear.

 

[Matariki]

A healthy perspective of prayer and fasting, may need to be sought before it is found.

May The Lord Be Pleased !

wm

I'm interesting in fasting, although I am confused by its purpose.

I've taken to going up in the mountains (near where I live) and meditating on gods work, by sitting on a rock in a middle of a stream and taking everything in around me. Its very relaxing, I usually stay up there for a few hours.
I'm not sure if that counts as fasting, but its a nice change from the emotional and spiritual chaos around me.