frustrated

[lala76]

I am just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or ideas about step parenting??? I have 3 step kids. Every week when they come to our house(wed-sun) they have to be deprogrammed lol from they behaviors they are allowed to have at their moms house lately it is getting worse and I am ready to scream. I just keep my mouth shut most of the times but it is so hard!!!!

 

[Laurie919]

I personally don't think that shared custody to that extreame is good for a child. I can see why it gets worse, they don't know where there home is.

I am sure you try to make it home and their mom tries to make it home, but with all the going back and forth they aren't settled.

Are the parents still batteling in court? That makes a big difference in behavior.

Just pray. You can't spend your entire time they are there fussing because they will hate you, but at the same time you can't let them get away with murder because they will run right over you.

Being a stepparent is harder work than being a parent in my opinion.

 

[lala76]

I personally don't think that shared custody to that extreame is good for a child. I can see why it gets worse, they don't know where there home is.

I am sure you try to make it home and their mom tries to make it home, but with all the going back and forth they aren't settled.

Are the parents still batteling in court? That makes a big difference in behavior.

Just pray. You can't spend your entire time they are there fussing because they will hate you, but at the same time you can't let them get away with murder because they will run right over you.

Being a stepparent is harder work than being a parent in my opinion.

They are no longer in court thank goodness. They are with us from after school on Wednesday til Sunday evening . So they have less time with their mom and she lets them do whatever they like. I think it is because she feels guilty for not having them a lot. The most frustrating thing is that they are not doing any homework on Monday and Tuesdays and the teachers are very nice about letting us know work is missing but its like when they are here we are constantly playing catchup!!! Their teachers won't even contact their mom anymore. I continually pray for their mother she is lost right now.

 

[Organic Gal]

We have been doing the same thing only we have the children Wednesday/Thursday one week and Thursday thru Sunday the following week. What has evolved over time is consistency at our house. Having boundaries set (with both my husband and myself on the same page) has helped tremendously. When they come over the first day they are still doing what they did at their Mom's so we say, "You're back at your Dad's house now and you know what the rules are" or "you know you don't act that way at Dad's". It always takes a day to transition so we also try to have something special on the first day back that they look forward to. We have also noticed that they tend to go back into "Mom's mode" just before being dropped or picked up. This tends to be harder since we have so short of time but my husband trys to stay consistent even in those moments. They know what is allowed or not allowed and they seem to feel more secure in that even though they would probably tell you they don't like the rules!

 

[Horse_Mumbler]

Wow. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these things.

 

[JeniferR]

We battled this for years and it finally "clicked". We held our boundaries in place. I would pick them up from their mom's and almost immediately something would arise and I would need to remind them that they were "at Dad and Jenifer's house now" and that rules are different. (I like to joke that we have rules. )

It's very hard to sit back and watch all the hard work you do to get the child adjusted to the new household when they are with you essentially get washed down the drain, too, when they return to the other parent's home.

Lots of prayers and time are the answers.

 

[elahopes]

Kids really need to know what is expected....they also need to know that they have someone steady to lean on, someone that is consistant, where the adult's words are always backed up by action (have integrity). If they see that you have consistant integrity....they will remember it pretty quickly after returning...as it is powerful...and their actions will begin to naturally come inline fairly quickly.

Therefore, I would encourage you to have a meeting with them and tell them that you care about them and then tell them what is expected when ever they come home AND that you will back up what you say each time! At the start they may test you...which is good, as they want to see if you mean what you say...but as they see you 'passing' the test...they will give in pretty quickly.

Henry Cloud's book about 'Kids and Boundaries' is really good!! It can be gotten at Christian book stores.