frustrated and scared.

[mamatoady]

I am so frustrated with myself. There is so much to say, but I don't want to write so much that no one reads this. I was told I had BPD when I was 19 or 20. I am now 34. My therapist never mentioned it (it was a social worker at the hospital that told me). Anyway, I had PTSD and now I can say I believe I have fully healed from the PTSD.

A huge part of my life has always been that I have a strong desire to be rescued. It has been a part of my life since at least 6 years old. My traumas were pre-age 5. I carried the constant need of rescue into my adulthood. When I went to college I acted out that need constantly--all day. Cutting/ dangerous situations/lying/manipulating etc. I could never understand at the time why I was doing those things--even though I would make guesses. I always thought I was just a horrible person.

So, a couple weeks ago I started to wonder if I would ever NOT feel the need to be rescued. Although I don't intentionally put myself in positions of needing to be rescued, I realized I still do it--A lot actually. I have a very low drama life and I don't act out, but I still require rescue.

When I tried to google "how to stop needing rescue" the BPD came up and I about lost it. There was an entire article about the rescue/dissociation aspect of BPD and then I realized that at one point in my life I hit every single piece of criteria in the DSM and even though I don't cut anymore and I don't act our angrily, I still have all the rest.

I feel like I can't trust myself and when I look at almost any interaction I've had EVER where I have asked for help, I feel like it was the BPD talking and I really can't distinguish the difference. It makes me still feel like a fake even though I renounced lying a long time ago.

Now, I need help. I've been meaning to get back into therapy for about a year and I can't take it anymore. I want to heal and be better. I found a Christian therapist, but he can't get me in for 3 weeks. I personally feel like I'm in crisis--I have almost no coping skills and my anxiety is way out of control. So what did I do? I wrote him back and said "I can't wait 3 weeks, can you recommend another christian psychologist...CRIPE--if that me being manipulative and needy? Really? I've waited a year and I can't wait 3 weeks? Sounds like I'm looking for rescue.

I am hating myself right now and I don't know how to view my life. Honestly I am doing everything I can to not go for a drink or any other coping choice. If I didn't have kids--that's where I'd be. Thank God for them.

I really don't know what to do. I haven't heard back from the counselor. I don't know if I should email again or just find someone else (This guy specializes in personality disorders)..just suck it up and hope for the best or what.

ok..I'm done...even though my fingers want to keep talking.
Sarah

 

[anonym00s]

"I hate myself" = pity party. Also, instead of spending all this time second guessing yourself, why are you not applying Romans 14? If you doubt that something is right, don't do it. If you know something is OK, stop the roller coaster of second guessing. Also, since you say you deal with bpd I recommend that you Remember this formula: feelings do not ALWAYS = reality.

 

[kenvin]

I will rescue you.

 

[anonym00s]

I will rescue you.

A person dealing with bpd will most likely subconsciously read that as "please manipulate me." Respectfully, what is the point of that statement or are you being facetious?

 

[kenvin]

A person dealing with bpd will most likely subconsciously read that as "please manipulate me." Respectfully, what is the point of that statement or are you being facetious?

I like to rescue.

 

[mamatoady]

What a phenomenal amount of support on a Christina forum. I am so glad that the love of Christ is shining through here.

 

[anonym00s]

What a phenomenal amount of support on a Christina forum. I am so glad that the love of Christ is shining through here.

You guys are confusing me, through the apparent facetious and sarcastic statements I can't tell what you guys are specifically trying to say. Are you disagreeing with everything I said? Hating yourself IS having a pity party. Feeling do not always equal reality. Romans 14 would help with the second guessing.

 

[mamatoady]

Anonym00s, I do apologize for reading your original post with negative set of eyes. I was having a very difficult time last night. Also want to mention that I am a new Christian, so I a little bit read your post as a slap in the face as though if I was applying the word of God then I wouldn't have problems. To me, hating myself isn't having a pity party, although for some people it is and I have been there in my life. I was expressing my absolute distraughtness (sp?) for not being able to process why I think/feel the way I do. I often feel like there's no hope in changing those things. That's great if I know that I shouldn't judge myself against what I approve of as opposed to what God approves of, but my struggle is not in self approval--it's in not being able to function as I believe I am capable of. I came and posted here thinking that a compassionate Christian response would be given and a little bit of dialogue could be brought up. I can tell my own self to "suck it up", that wasn't what I was looking for in a reply.

 

[anonym00s]

Anonym00s, I do apologize for reading your original post with negative set of eyes. I was having a very difficult time last night. Also want to mention that I am a new Christian, so I a little bit read your post as a slap in the face as though if I was applying the word of God then I wouldn't have problems. To me, hating myself isn't having a pity party, although for some people it is and I have been there in my life. I was expressing my absolute distraughtness (sp?) for not being able to process why I think/feel the way I do. I often feel like there's no hope in changing those things. That's great if I know that I shouldn't judge myself against what I approve of as opposed to what God approves of, but my struggle is not in self approval--it's in not being able to function as I believe I am capable of. I came and posted here thinking that a compassionate Christian response would be given and a little bit of dialogue could be brought up. I can tell my own self to "suck it up", that wasn't what I was looking for in a reply.

OK I understand. Let me be more specific, looking at your very first post:

• You first several paragraphs talked about you feeling the need to be rescued. Rescued from what? Is it really a rescue you want or attention? What would a "successful" rescue look like? What would a "successful" rescue accomplish? When was the very first time you've ever felt the need to be rescued like this? You need to ask yourself these questions. Once you find out out where this is coming from, you can reject whatever lie(s) you are believing and replace it with the truth.
• Cutting/dangerous situations/lying/manipulating: sin/probably sin/sin/sin - would you be doing this if you were applying the Word in THESE situations? To rephrase: you should know what to do here, just do it.
• "I always thought I was just a horrible person" - in the sense that we all sin then yes you are right, you are a horrible person and so am I. But we have salvation through Christ and He washes away our sin. We are saved by grace through faith.
• On a later paragraph you talk about how you don't trust yourself and second guess all your motives (wondering if it was the bpd talking). You said you feel like a fake. Read my first point again. It would really help to get to the bottom of this "need" to be rescued.
• Later down you said you were hating yourself. Hating yourself may not be a pity party to you, but it is. And if your doing it as some from of self-inflicted punishment for your wrongdoing, then how does that line up with this verse?:" By which will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." (Hebrews 10:10)
• Regarding sending another email to the counselor, I honestly don't know. I will just say to be sure in your decision and not feeling guilty about it(apply Romans 14). If I were you, I wouldn't because I think if they are too busy to respond to the first email, what would a second email help?

 

[simonar]

Hi my dear friend ,I have BPD ,too,but I control myself

Don`t despair,you just have to have more strenght,the power it`s in you.you can change everything.everything is in your mind and you can deal with that.Why to be upset?And depressed?You have children ,that is a gift .That`s why we call it ,the present ,live in it ,enjoy it as it is .Open your eyes and live .Not spectacular,just a ordinary ,normal life.But it is yours !Let your children be happy ,they need your affection and presence.

visit my site
livewithborderline.com
(created by simone)
A big hug for you .I am waiting for you there ,to talk more.It is important not to stay alone!