From Christian to Chaos Magick. Need help finding rest in a toxic spiritual cycle.

[OJR]

I'm reluctant to post a huge life-story, due to some issues with me using testimony to gain praise and attention, rather than to help others. After hitting a spiritual wall, I guess I’d like to ask for help from people who found themselves in a similar cycle.

As an aside: I’ve been in therapy for year, and have not been diagnosed with any mental disorder other than slight anxiety. We've talked about my religious experiences often.

Born and brought up sort-of Catholic, my father became a follower of a New Age religious sect shortly after I received first communion. Because of this, I've always had two sides of me when it came to religion. One, was based on family tradition and the bible, and the other dealt with talking to alien spirits and secret esoteric knowledge with some Jesus thrown in.

Because of this, I think I've been swinging back and forth between the two for my entire life, with periods of agnosticism in between. When I left college I joined a megachurch™, where I got a lot of attention because of my upbringing and from dabbling in the occult. I took some advice there that left me isolated outside the church. Right before the entire congregation started exploding(It was a large church and left thousands of people stranded without a spiritual home), I left in bad standing. Joining church hurt a lot of relationships, specifically with my then-boyfriend, now husband. Joining that church in particular made many people worried for me and hurt people I loved.

Since then, I went from Christian, to agnostic, to New Age, to Chaos Magick/ Occult. I’m starting to notice this religious pattern emerge in my life. There are so many time where I fall prey to my own emotions. Decisions like joining Megachurch™, or jumping head-first into sigil magick have really thrown off my relationship with God. I find myself praying and not receiving any answers that are to my liking and that leads me down the path my dad taught me. Which DOES show results.

My recent dabbling in sigil magick left me a bit unstable. It was some dark stuff, to be honest, and I was in a tough situation with many life events converging. On an emotional whim I started practicing and believing that my sigils were making change in the world. Some weird events took place almost immediately. Doing this lead to night terrors and dark thoughts and this scared me that I would spiral into insanity. I'm pretty sure these were directly connected to the practice, because when I stopped my practice the night terrors and dark thoughts stopped.

Now I can say I’m "flirting" with the idea of Christianity again, but I’m so incredibly frustrated with myself for bouncing back and forth for so long between such polar opposite belief systems. While I did have a bad experience in Christianity, it did not lead to spiritual darkness like my dabbling in Magick has. I also find that I turn to the occult often to get what I want, then once I have it, turn back to Christianity in a total 180 degree turn.

I know that Magick works well for many people who are pagan and other faiths. However, I’m looking for help from people who swung back and forth from Christianity, and eventually was able to find some stability (and sanity) in their Christian faith.

How did you finally find your home?

How did you find a real relationship with Christ?

Thanks for your help!

 

[Goodbook]

oh gosh it sounds like you liked religion over Jesus.

You need to repent and believe in who Jesus is.
Do you believe that God raised his only begotten son Jesus from the dead?

He's not someone who's 'thrown in' he was crucified for our sins! Including all those who dabble in witchcraft which is rebellion against God! He gave his life for us. when you follow Jesus and see that he is the light, everything else that was dark fades away in comparison. You won't need it anymore, its junk.
Whatever it is, occult books, candles, crystals, incense, charms etc. Its rubbish it really is.

Do you have a bible? Read the gospel according to John.

 

[OJR]

it sounds like you liked religion over Jesus.

I don't know. My reason for leaving the megachurch was definitely because it was focusing on a man rather than on Christ.

However, perhaps the fact I fell away just proves that it wasn't about that. Who knows. All I know is that I lack a real connection to Jesus, even when I pray to him, asking for forgiveness. I read the bible, I'm addicted to learning about theology, but I've never been able to KNOW deep down he is my savior, even when I try?

I guess, do my feeling even matter in this situation?

 

[Greg J.]

Examine what it is you really want out of life. Jesus Christ/God is alive and well, loves you, and will help you with everything in your life. If you have seen results from the occult, this should not be hard to believe. Multitudes of people have been hurt by churches and church people, which usually means they were not being good representatives of Jesus, but says nothing about what Jesus is like. What God wants for everyone is to know that he loves you and that the Son of God died so you could join in joyful fellowship with God without guilt.

One of the bigger problems that people flirting with Christianity have is how to deal with not receiving immediate results from following Christ. This is the nature of sin and existing spiritual darkness (not what God wants)—that is, it is a barrier to God that needs to be torn down. Our part in this are the things that result from genuine devotion to him (turning away from sin, prayer, Bible study, helping those in need, etc.). The result is a conscious, more tangible connection to God, and you experience answers to your prayers and various things, but he doesn't make life all wonderful—that is a guarantee for the next life. We are swimming in a world of sin—we're in enemy territory—which is constantly attacking us, trying to deceive us, and is trying to rebuild the barrier between us and God.

The most powerful and fastest way to see results is not so easy to do in one step, but everything toward it is good: make a total, eternal commitment to Jesus and his ways, committing to never again trying another spiritual path. People become able to do this for various reasons, one of which is just from listening to people's stories of God in their lives. Another is coming to believe that God really loves you. All his commands are for our benefit. He benefits not one bit from them. God has seen what everyone needs to do to receive the benefit of God's love and power for them and has given us commands that will lead us to that. However, obeying God through the knowledge we gain from the Bible is only a part of the path. One of the Bible's purposes is to lead us to the living person, Jesus Christ. He wants to have a personal, two-way relationship with you.

Jesus said:
Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” (John 14:21, 1984 NIV)

Understanding that we have all done wrong and believing we will be held accountable for that is a source of motivation. No other spiritual claim adequately deals with the fact we will all be judged by God and we better be without sin on our account when that happens—and that Jesus' death paid for our sins so we don't have to. The offer of eternal life with all joy and peace is a good deal.

The more serious your commitment to God and the more devoted to God you choose to be, the faster you will draw near to God (and He will draw near to you).

Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40, 1984 NIV)

Full devotion to God is the greatest commandment because of how important and beneficial it is for us. It is a path that gives us the absolute best future in the long-term (usually in this life, too), but it often costs us short-term comfort because of how sin has been affecting us.

The best thing anyone can do is to ask God to save you and then do your best to do what you believe he wants of you. I'd suggest setting aside a short prayer time daily to ask God to save you, because it gives you an opportunity to examine if you really mean it. When you come to deeply believe that you really do want God to save you no matter what (and you can see you mean it by how your behavior changes), then you can rest on the fact that you are saved and God has tons of blessing he will pour out on you over time.

Separation from Jesus lets sin steal, kill, and destroy. It's yoke is evil, unforgiving, and harsh. But Jesus said:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30, 1984 NIV)

And the Apostle John wrote:
This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, (1 John 5:3, 1984 NIV)

 

[aiki]

How did you find a real relationship with Christ?

Being able to tell you how to have a "real relationship with Christ" doesn't first require that I dabble in the occult. All that is required is a knowledge of Scripture and a genuine experience of fellowship with God.

Why are you on planet Earth? Why do you exist? If God made you, then He has a purpose in doing so. Do you have any idea what that purpose is? Until these questions get answers, you're going to continue to find yourself vacillating between things as you've described, unable to settle into the life for which God made you.

Selah.

 

[paul1149]

I had a remotely similar experience. Briefly, raised Catholic, went into New Age, found Christ, at the time my church was imploding was seduced by the pseudo-Christian "Course in Miracles", then saw my error and came back.

The bottom line is that God doesn't have grandchildren. He only has children. It's a blessing to be raised Christian, but at some point we have to make the faith our own, at the deepest personal level.

As for coming back, and the feelings being there or not, sometimes it takes time and persistence. Each of us comes to Christ his own way. For some it's a deep knowing. Others come via the intellectual root. But at some point the seed has to be implanted deeply. Coming back for me was very difficult, but the Lord had made Himself known to me, and I knew He was in it.

Start where you are, and make decisions not to follow the darkness. Satan will grant power up-front, but there is always a price, as you have seen, and it's never worth it in the long run. Forget about success as man perceives it, and make the decision to do the right thing. In due season, God will see you through to the victory side. But He has to come first, for His own sake.

Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like:
he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.” -Luke 6:47-49​

 

[Goodbook]

We go by faith not feelings. Do you actually believe the testimonies written about Jesus in the Bible?

 

[OJR]

@Goodbook
It really depends on what yo mean by believe. Sure, I believe that what is in the text of the NT. But do I believe it with all my heart, soul, mind and strength? I'm not sure I can say that. I can say yes, but that doesn't change every aspect of faith.

 

[Paidiske]

It sounds to me as if you could benefit from something which gives you some stability, some structure as you work through this.

Because you say your Christian background is Catholic, I wonder whether you could benefit from something like joining a group of catechumens with a view to reaffirming your baptismal promises? Not because you necessarily need the theological learning, but because it should also help you establish some patterns of prayer, engagement with community and so forth which might give you that support and stability.

Very few people resolve all their questions overnight, but if you can find a good "container" for you while you work through them, I think that might be very helpful.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Have you asked the Lord to make Himself real in your life? Have you asked that He increase your faith in Him?
For me personally God became even more real to me when I got the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Then I became stronger and He was more tangible to me. BUT I sought Him hard and for a year before it happened.

 

[Goodbook]

@Goodbook
It really depends on what yo mean by believe. Sure, I believe that what is in the text of the NT. But do I believe it with all my heart, soul, mind and strength? I'm not sure I can say that. I can say yes, but that doesn't change every aspect of faith.

Well it seems to me you are a bit doubleminded when God asks us to be singleminded. Are you confessing with your mouth but not believing in your heart?

See, God can change a heart. When Jesus died, did that not break everyones heart? Or does his cruel crucifixtion mean nothing to you? He was like an innocent lamb being lead to the slaughter...our sin and greed put him there.

 

[OJR]

Well it seems to me you are a bit doubleminded when God asks us to be singleminded. Are you confessing with your mouth but not believing in your heart?

See, God can change a heart. When Jesus died, did that not break everyones heart? Or does his cruel crucifixtion mean nothing to you? He was like an innocent lamb being lead to the slaughter...our sin and greed put him there.

How does one change their own heart? If my mind has already agreed with the doctrine, and I prey every night to be changed, then why is it I'm not changed?

I'd like to add, you're language is cruel, when all I'm asking for is help.

 

[Solomons Porch]

How does one change their own heart? If my mind has already agreed with the doctrine, and I prey every night to be changed, then why is it I'm not changed?

I'd like to add, you're language is cruel, when all I'm asking for is help.

Im not sure if u saw my previous post or not....but I pray things change for you. I can hear that you have the desire and I wish I could say it will happen overnight. For me, I get it when I least expect it. And I do agree with you that people can b very hateful and cruel, when all your doing is trying to ask for help and guidance, some things that i have seen makes me question why they even respond, if you cant show the heart of Christ......on behalf of them i apologize.