- Jun 9, 2016
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This is a rocky journey.
Being raised in a moderately authoritarian Christian household (eventually revealed to be hypocritical on the father’s side; he had numerous affairs which forever changed my faith) with slight Arminian leanings. Things seemed to go smooth with me and my Hebrew/Greek Bible. That was gonna change fast.
In early ’16, I discovered Calvinism and it was something I wrestled with. It pressed all the right buttons and within a few weeks I was sold. Those weeks were full of despair and shock as to seeing, at that time, that God was the authoritarian dictator that I feared He was.
The whole doctrinal framework, on the surface, made complete sense. It fit together like a coherent puzzle and it was seemingly logical. Being of the logical mindset, I clung onto it like a thirsty clings to water.
Yet I realize it poisoned my faith in God over the next 18 months or so.
I became haughty and prideful in the feeling that I had all the divine truth of the Scriptures and even had the audacity to brutalize my mother’s faith in front of her face in the name of ‘hating heresy.’
I became a ‘no-prayer’ warrior and thought that prayers were meaningless in that everything was pre-determined and therefore praying was futile because of that.
I became extremely paranoid about any teacher who didn’t express at least Amyraldist faith, which is a slightly more biblical stance on Calvinism in my opinion today. I would only listen to Calvinists.
I became extremely self-righteous and would lament churches who even dared to sing modern songs although I’d bicker about it behind people’s backs which made me look odd, I think.
I became very surface-level overall. I actually made it onto the PuritanBoard because my Calvinist beliefs were so staunch at the time. I wanted to fit in most of all and that was my road to it, it seemed.
I started to view man’s works as above God’s WORD. I used to (still have the book but want to sell it or give it to a thrift store) have John Calvin’s Institutes of the Christian Religion and at one time, would read it religiously. I would also read J. I. Packer, John MacArthur, and would listen to RefNet which is a staunchly Calvinist online radio station.
I became very shallow in my Bible reading. A corollary of the 6th point, I basically used the Bible to verify Calvinist authors’ assumptions on matters of doctrine. The authors became my scripture and the Bible the proof-text for their works. (I realize how twisted that is.)
I began to see God as a very impersonal God. My belief in God started to parallel a lot of Muslims’ relationship with Allah. I would live life, especially near the end of my Calvinist beliefs, with the sarcastic ‘Inshallah’ mindset basically saying ‘whatever God wills, will happen. Not my responsibility’ which was a very fallacious mindset.
I began to value order over substance, in reality. I wanted the churches I attended to be orderly and liturgical in a Reformed fashion but whenever I didn’t get that, I’d get a ‘feeling’ of ‘void in the ”’spirit”” which was simply my ego not being pleased one way or the other.
As a result, my entire belief in the Christian God began to dwindle by early/mid ’17. Slowly but surely, I found the entire Calvinist framework to be crock, personally, and, foolishly, I left Christianity altogether and openly called myself agnostic.
In the transition phase, I started to go from being a Calvinist to being utterly anti-Calvinist, rejecting every sense of morality that I cast upon myself being in the Reformed fold, even if only virtually. (I never attended Reformed churches; there are none in our area.)
As an agnostic and frankly very immoral person, I still had faint glimmers of believing in God, although these glimmers had nothing to do with the Calvinism that I brought upon myself in the months prior.
I, sadly, ignored the very faint tug towards the God I knew from my childhood. I fell far… very far… into the pit of lascivious sins and became the worst I have been… ever. For at least a few months, I was actively contrarian to God’s statutes. I saw myself as bisexual. I seemingly openly embraced the LGBTQ+ community. (My opinions on it are mixed now… not hating like I used to be but do see it as sinful.) I became everything God wanted me not to be.
I started to become popular on Instagram as a ‘poet.’ In an equal but opposite push away from selflessness, I embraced selfishness and actively sought attention. I would use my skills to serve myself and nobody else. I would attach tons of tags to get attention and I was starting to feel confident as an irreligious ‘poet.’
There.
God.
He threw such a roadblock in my face that if I didn’t see God’s hand in that, I’d be blind. At first it seemed like I was being taken away from what was rightfully mine, but then… I realized God was watching over me this whole time…
I was confronted with my egregious sins and ultimately everything I claimed to be. I was a farce in the hands of a loving God finally being reshaped, slowly but surely, into a man of God.
Within a couple days, I deleted my Instagram account completely so that people would know that something happened, although they know not what happened.
This wasn’t John Calvin. This wasn’t J. I. Packer. This wasn’t B. B. Warfield. This wasn’t John Piper. This wasn’t RefNet.
This was Jesus Christ opening my eyes through someone I never met before and man was it something… seeing my filth from the outside and going… ‘I really am just a poor sinner in need of a Savior.’
Within a few days of that, I realized something I’ll never let go of. I am no Calvinist. I am a Bible-reading Christian and thank God for delivering me from Calvinism and ultimately Godlessness itself.
God reached down and touched a sick and early-seared-conscience man, me, and brought me up so I could see Him, metaphorically.
(Now I can’t get MercyMe’s ‘I Can Only Imagine’ out of my head and I’m kinda going cray cray LOL.)
And then I realized something more. Jesus loves me. Even when I went as far from God as I could possibly could go, Jesus still pursued me and caught me with that life-changer.
Rethinking all my theological convictions, I now see that the God I know and the God that Calvinism heralds are most definitely different. I know a God of Mercy and Love while I never had that with Calvinism.
Christianity isn’t a theological playground where doctrines are peered on 24/7, but a spiritual intimacy with our father Jesus. It is a relationship, that through the Bible, we become closer to Him.
As a result, I’ve begun to see our church in a much more graceful light and feel wonderful attending when before I was apprehensive at their enthusiasm at worshipping the LORD.
There was a woman whom I was very, very judgmental towards and, despite my disagreements with her (still, since she’s Charismatic and I’m not, although we’re both Arminian-tending), should’ve shown much more grace and well-meaning towards her. I want to go up to her and tell her that I was wrong because yes I was wrong and I want to apologize for my misinformed, self-righteous ranting.
Ultimately, it’s not about Arminianism or Calvinism but the fact that Jesus Christ is within us and is actively working in us for His greater good and is renewing our minds (LOL that’s R. C. Sproul’s saying but I don’t care) and loving us with a perfect love indescribable.
Now I wonder how I can please Him the most when I cannot socialize. I need my motivation for prayer to be turned up 777 notches, honestly. If anybody reads this, please pray for me. I really need the support!
Being raised in a moderately authoritarian Christian household (eventually revealed to be hypocritical on the father’s side; he had numerous affairs which forever changed my faith) with slight Arminian leanings. Things seemed to go smooth with me and my Hebrew/Greek Bible. That was gonna change fast.
In early ’16, I discovered Calvinism and it was something I wrestled with. It pressed all the right buttons and within a few weeks I was sold. Those weeks were full of despair and shock as to seeing, at that time, that God was the authoritarian dictator that I feared He was.
The whole doctrinal framework, on the surface, made complete sense. It fit together like a coherent puzzle and it was seemingly logical. Being of the logical mindset, I clung onto it like a thirsty clings to water.
Yet I realize it poisoned my faith in God over the next 18 months or so.
I became haughty and prideful in the feeling that I had all the divine truth of the Scriptures and even had the audacity to brutalize my mother’s faith in front of her face in the name of ‘hating heresy.’
I became a ‘no-prayer’ warrior and thought that prayers were meaningless in that everything was pre-determined and therefore praying was futile because of that.
I became extremely paranoid about any teacher who didn’t express at least Amyraldist faith, which is a slightly more biblical stance on Calvinism in my opinion today. I would only listen to Calvinists.
I became extremely self-righteous and would lament churches who even dared to sing modern songs although I’d bicker about it behind people’s backs which made me look odd, I think.
I became very surface-level overall. I actually made it onto the PuritanBoard because my Calvinist beliefs were so staunch at the time. I wanted to fit in most of all and that was my road to it, it seemed.
I started to view man’s works as above God’s WORD. I used to (still have the book but want to sell it or give it to a thrift store) have John Calvin’s Institutes of the Christian Religion and at one time, would read it religiously. I would also read J. I. Packer, John MacArthur, and would listen to RefNet which is a staunchly Calvinist online radio station.
I became very shallow in my Bible reading. A corollary of the 6th point, I basically used the Bible to verify Calvinist authors’ assumptions on matters of doctrine. The authors became my scripture and the Bible the proof-text for their works. (I realize how twisted that is.)
I began to see God as a very impersonal God. My belief in God started to parallel a lot of Muslims’ relationship with Allah. I would live life, especially near the end of my Calvinist beliefs, with the sarcastic ‘Inshallah’ mindset basically saying ‘whatever God wills, will happen. Not my responsibility’ which was a very fallacious mindset.
I began to value order over substance, in reality. I wanted the churches I attended to be orderly and liturgical in a Reformed fashion but whenever I didn’t get that, I’d get a ‘feeling’ of ‘void in the ”’spirit”” which was simply my ego not being pleased one way or the other.
As a result, my entire belief in the Christian God began to dwindle by early/mid ’17. Slowly but surely, I found the entire Calvinist framework to be crock, personally, and, foolishly, I left Christianity altogether and openly called myself agnostic.
In the transition phase, I started to go from being a Calvinist to being utterly anti-Calvinist, rejecting every sense of morality that I cast upon myself being in the Reformed fold, even if only virtually. (I never attended Reformed churches; there are none in our area.)
As an agnostic and frankly very immoral person, I still had faint glimmers of believing in God, although these glimmers had nothing to do with the Calvinism that I brought upon myself in the months prior.
I, sadly, ignored the very faint tug towards the God I knew from my childhood. I fell far… very far… into the pit of lascivious sins and became the worst I have been… ever. For at least a few months, I was actively contrarian to God’s statutes. I saw myself as bisexual. I seemingly openly embraced the LGBTQ+ community. (My opinions on it are mixed now… not hating like I used to be but do see it as sinful.) I became everything God wanted me not to be.
I started to become popular on Instagram as a ‘poet.’ In an equal but opposite push away from selflessness, I embraced selfishness and actively sought attention. I would use my skills to serve myself and nobody else. I would attach tons of tags to get attention and I was starting to feel confident as an irreligious ‘poet.’
There.
God.
He threw such a roadblock in my face that if I didn’t see God’s hand in that, I’d be blind. At first it seemed like I was being taken away from what was rightfully mine, but then… I realized God was watching over me this whole time…
I was confronted with my egregious sins and ultimately everything I claimed to be. I was a farce in the hands of a loving God finally being reshaped, slowly but surely, into a man of God.
Within a couple days, I deleted my Instagram account completely so that people would know that something happened, although they know not what happened.
This wasn’t John Calvin. This wasn’t J. I. Packer. This wasn’t B. B. Warfield. This wasn’t John Piper. This wasn’t RefNet.
This was Jesus Christ opening my eyes through someone I never met before and man was it something… seeing my filth from the outside and going… ‘I really am just a poor sinner in need of a Savior.’
Within a few days of that, I realized something I’ll never let go of. I am no Calvinist. I am a Bible-reading Christian and thank God for delivering me from Calvinism and ultimately Godlessness itself.
God reached down and touched a sick and early-seared-conscience man, me, and brought me up so I could see Him, metaphorically.
(Now I can’t get MercyMe’s ‘I Can Only Imagine’ out of my head and I’m kinda going cray cray LOL.)
And then I realized something more. Jesus loves me. Even when I went as far from God as I could possibly could go, Jesus still pursued me and caught me with that life-changer.
Rethinking all my theological convictions, I now see that the God I know and the God that Calvinism heralds are most definitely different. I know a God of Mercy and Love while I never had that with Calvinism.
Christianity isn’t a theological playground where doctrines are peered on 24/7, but a spiritual intimacy with our father Jesus. It is a relationship, that through the Bible, we become closer to Him.
As a result, I’ve begun to see our church in a much more graceful light and feel wonderful attending when before I was apprehensive at their enthusiasm at worshipping the LORD.
There was a woman whom I was very, very judgmental towards and, despite my disagreements with her (still, since she’s Charismatic and I’m not, although we’re both Arminian-tending), should’ve shown much more grace and well-meaning towards her. I want to go up to her and tell her that I was wrong because yes I was wrong and I want to apologize for my misinformed, self-righteous ranting.
Ultimately, it’s not about Arminianism or Calvinism but the fact that Jesus Christ is within us and is actively working in us for His greater good and is renewing our minds (LOL that’s R. C. Sproul’s saying but I don’t care) and loving us with a perfect love indescribable.
Now I wonder how I can please Him the most when I cannot socialize. I need my motivation for prayer to be turned up 777 notches, honestly. If anybody reads this, please pray for me. I really need the support!
