Friend Zone

[blackribbon]

Do you tell the woman beforehand that she is paying her own way? I asked a guy out once...actually he had asked me before several times and would keep canceling. I proposed that he pick the movie (since he seemed to be picky about his movies) and pay for it (that way he had control over how much he spent since he constantly was talking about how much everything cost) and I'd pick pay for dinner (thinking that I'd get to pick). Turns out, he didn't like my choices and chose the restaurant too....and he suddenly got very funny when I quietly reached out and took the bill. He actually needed to see the bill... I was very discrete about paying in case his pride was the issue.

We had a good time...I thought. He seem reluctant to take me home and kept finding things to do. He never did ask me out again though. I have always wondered why.

I don't think men know what they want.

This guy wants to keep his money in his wallet but got all weird when I paid.
The other guy I dated claimed to want to make his own decisions and "be a man" (something he claimed his previous wife didn't allow him to do), then dumped me for the first "mommy" he found. He seems to like being told what to do. (Ironically, he called me drunk one night to complain about it...)

Oh...and one guy who I helped through a very emotionally hard time as a friend (his wife had died suddenly) started to get friendly...we went on a date once...he called the next night (drunk) to tell me not to get too attached because he would never marry me. So I didn't get attached. About a year later, he called me (again drunk...why do I get the drunk calls when I don't drink?) ... and we talked a while because he sounded like he needed a friend, complaining about the women he had dated and again, announced that he wouldn't ever consider marrying me which I simply responded that that was okay since I would't marry him either. Suddenly he was all offended and wanted to know why? and started arguing why all my reasons were stupid. He insisted I was dying to date him...and asked me out on a real date (not the friend stuff we had been doing). I simply said "no" and he hasn't talked to me since....wait, take that back, he did call to talk after his brother died of an overdose.

Yeah...men make sense and are logical....NOT.

 

[blackribbon]

Its because you did not spend money on some thing that she wanted in the heat of the moment. Its responsible until she cant get something she wants on the spur of a moment then its cheap. I would never combined finances with another person ever again even if I eventually get remarried.

Why would you get married again then? What do you want? Like I said before...sounds like just a regular sex partner but not a real marriage. What would a woman be getting by marrying you?

 

[pittsflyer]

Yea that kind of stuff sounds kind of petty. With me my ex wanted a half million dollar house on the rich side of town. Anything less was cheap lol. She also wanted a brand new car. So yea kids toys and meals is being really cheap. I am prone to it myself, I know better and I know its not alot of money so my lady reminds me and we both laugh and I pay. Its almost like a subcontious thing because I grew up POOR but im not poor anymore and neither is she so we just trade days that we end up paying and if she cooks/cleans I buy groceries (I never get to cook).

The first date thing is just a matter of principal, I could have afforded to buy on all my first dates but then I feel icky if I get a side hug at the end of the night as that is a clear indication of disinterest.

Yes I understand that, when you date like 10 people to find out which one is nice after a few emails that you're not going to pay. By the way I've Always seen it as normal, also that he had no money and I paid, but when I look back, my first ex paid for me, he insisted and he was serious, first date I ever had and he married me later. It's also culture I think, he's Indonesian. He had almost nothing, but he just got some money so he wanted to pay. Money was never a problem, we had everything together, no problem at all. Can I buy stuff for the kids? No we don't have so much now. Okay. He just gave to people who needed it, love that. If a guy wants his money so bad, keep it. Please I don't even want some, I'd feel guilty about it.
Next ex, my, he was Dutch and also he had autism so he couldn't help it, but after a lot of nagging finally he found a job and paid half of the rent. He thought since I had to do that anyway and they were my kids, why did he also have to pay? We got almost the same salary. He bought himself electronics and stuff, sometimes he worked extra lol and he went with my kid to the toy shop to buy a toy for himself. The kid was too young to understand. It was just his money. He just never bought them anything.

 

[exitstageright]

Its because you did not spend money on some thing that she wanted in the heat of the moment. Its responsible until she cant get something she wants on the spur of a moment then its cheap. I would never combined finances with another person ever again even if I eventually get remarried.

Here is one possible,and logical solution for a two income family. It is called 50%,25%,and 25%,which adds up to 100%.

For example,if the couple brings home,net $4,000 per month, $2,000(50%) should go to a joint account for household and common expenses,investments,savings,and so on. The wife would put $1,000(25%) into her own personal account to spend on whatever she pleases. The husband would put $1,000 (25%) into his own personal account to spend on whatever he pleases.

Now, would anyone have a problem with such a fair and a logical system such as this is?

I tried to explain this to my second wife. But she could not even understand this simple math.

And,some people wonder why I only want to date,and to someday marry a smart woman.

 

[Messy]

Here is one possible,and logical solution for a two income family. It is called 50%,25%,and 25%,which adds up to 100%.

For example,if the couple brings home,net $4,000 per month, $2,000(50%) should go to a joint account for household and common expenses,investments,savings,and so on. The wife would put $1,000(25%) into her own personal account to spend on whatever she pleases. The husband would put $1,000 (25%) into his own personal account to spend on whatever he pleases.

Now, would anyone have a problem with such a fair and a logical system such as this is?

I tried to explain this to my second wife. But she could not even understand this simple math.

And,some people wonder why I only want to date,and to someday marry a smart woman.

I saw more married people doing that. There was a question about it lately on cf, but it was because one couldn't handle money. If you both have no problem with that all those % things aren't necessary.

 

[exitstageright]

Do you tell the woman beforehand that she is paying her own way? I asked a guy out once...actually he had asked me before several times and would keep canceling. I proposed that he pick the movie (since he seemed to be picky about his movies) and pay for it (that way he had control over how much he spent since he constantly was talking about how much everything cost) and I'd pick pay for dinner (thinking that I'd get to pick). Turns out, he didn't like my choices and chose the restaurant too....and he suddenly got very funny when I quietly reached out and took the bill. He actually needed to see the bill... I was very discrete about paying in case his pride was the issue.

We had a good time...I thought. He seem reluctant to take me home and kept finding things to do. He never did ask me out again though. I have always wondered why.

I don't think men know what they want.

This guy wants to keep his money in his wallet but got all weird when I paid.
The other guy I dated claimed to want to make his own decisions and "be a man" (something he claimed his previous wife didn't allow him to do), then dumped me for the first "mommy" he found. He seems to like being told what to do.

Just as it is unfair for me to lump all women in one category,it is just as unfair for you to say that all men do not know what they want. Or,are there different rules for men and for women?

 

[Messy]

Just as it is unfair for me to lump all women in one category,it is just as unfair for you to say that all men do not know what they want. Or,are there different rules for men and for women?

I did that too as a response to Blackribbon. I posted: men.. sigh and then I thought: oops, there are men here reading too, so I deleted it lol. Don't take it personal, when I say:men... it means the few I met.

 

[blackribbon]

I made a broad sweeping statement ... no different than you have done multiple times. I don't judge all men but am constantly amazed by how many seem to think they know what they want and when it gets down to brass tacks, they act very differently. Not fact, but only my observations. I don't say "ALL men"...and I started with "I think".

 

[blackribbon]

Here is one possible,and logical solution for a two income family. It is called 50%,25%,and 25%,which adds up to 100%.

For example,if the couple brings home,net $4,000 per month, $2,000(50%) should go to a joint account for household and common expenses,investments,savings,and so on. The wife would put $1,000(25%) into her own personal account to spend on whatever she pleases. The husband would put $1,000 (25%) into his own personal account to spend on whatever he pleases.

Now, would anyone have a problem with such a fair and a logical system such as this is?

I tried to explain this to my second wife. But she could not even understand this simple math.

And,some people wonder why I only want to date,and to someday marry a smart woman.

It maybe works if you have a two income family where there are only two members (no kids) and equal incomes. I had a one income family and I did the lion share of the home responsibilities....my job had value because it allowed him the freedom to earn more. Not sure how you would divide it with a family...

What happens in your financial plan if one person loses his/her job or becomes sick and can't do it for a period of time?

And I just looked at the numbers...do you really think that most people can live on $2000 a month for living expenses? Rent must be a lot cheaper where you live.

 

[miss-a]

Hmmm... wondering how we got here from the Friend Zone topic, but don't have time to read 88 posts.

Oh well, as you were.

 

[Messy]

And I just looked at the numbers...do you really think that most people can live on $2000 a month for living expenses? Rent must be a lot cheaper where you live.

We lived on that. Apartments are cheap here, you can even get houses and apartments cheaper here, for 500 or so when you're Lucky, because everyone wants to rent them.

 

[Messy]

Hmmm... wondering how we got here from the Friend Zone topic, but don't have time to read 88 posts.

Oh well, as you were.

 

[pittsflyer]

I think alot of men know what they want they just dont see the little spins women like to put on things sometimes nor like it.

Its like a guy saying he likes a porche and so you get a porch but its got a govenor on it at 65, probably not what he had in mind.

I made a broad sweeping statement ... no different than you have done multiple times. I don't judge all men but am constantly amazed by how many seem to think they know what they want and when it gets down to brass tacks, they act very differently. Not fact, but only my observations. I don't say "ALL men"...and I started with "I think".

 

[pittsflyer]

regular sex, companionship, travel together, have dinner together, go to family events together, watch movies together, go on hikes, set up game nights, etc etc.

What exactly are you looking for?

Why would you get married again then? What do you want? Like I said before...sounds like just a regular sex partner but not a real marriage. What would a woman be getting by marrying you?

 

[pittsflyer]

That sounds really crazy, I have never behaved like that before.

Do you tell the woman beforehand that she is paying her own way? I asked a guy out once...actually he had asked me before several times and would keep canceling. I proposed that he pick the movie (since he seemed to be picky about his movies) and pay for it (that way he had control over how much he spent since he constantly was talking about how much everything cost) and I'd pick pay for dinner (thinking that I'd get to pick). Turns out, he didn't like my choices and chose the restaurant too....and he suddenly got very funny when I quietly reached out and took the bill. He actually needed to see the bill... I was very discrete about paying in case his pride was the issue.

We had a good time...I thought. He seem reluctant to take me home and kept finding things to do. He never did ask me out again though. I have always wondered why.

I don't think men know what they want.

This guy wants to keep his money in his wallet but got all weird when I paid.
The other guy I dated claimed to want to make his own decisions and "be a man" (something he claimed his previous wife didn't allow him to do), then dumped me for the first "mommy" he found. He seems to like being told what to do. (Ironically, he called me drunk one night to complain about it...)

Oh...and one guy who I helped through a very emotionally hard time as a friend (his wife had died suddenly) started to get friendly...we went on a date once...he called the next night (drunk) to tell me not to get too attached because he would never marry me. So I didn't get attached. About a year later, he called me (again drunk...why do I get the drunk calls when I don't drink?) ... and we talked a while because he sounded like he needed a friend, complaining about the women he had dated and again, announced that he wouldn't ever consider marrying me which I simply responded that that was okay since I would't marry him either. Suddenly he was all offended and wanted to know why? and started arguing why all my reasons were stupid. He insisted I was dying to date him...and asked me out on a real date (not the friend stuff we had been doing). I simply said "no" and he hasn't talked to me since....wait, take that back, he did call to talk after his brother died of an overdose.

Yeah...men make sense and are logical....NOT.

 

[pittsflyer]

If I lost my job I woudl have to move immediatly, if I lost my job that means the local economy is going down the drain. I have always been good enough at my job that I would be the one to turn the lights off after everyone else is gone.

It maybe works if you have a two income family where there are only two members (no kids) and equal incomes. I had a one income family and I did the lion share of the home responsibilities....my job had value because it allowed him the freedom to earn more. Not sure how you would divide it with a family...

What happens in your financial plan if one person loses his/her job or becomes sick and can't do it for a period of time?

And I just looked at the numbers...do you really think that most people can live on $2000 a month for living expenses? Rent must be a lot cheaper where you live.

 

[exitstageright]

I made a broad sweeping statement ... no different than you have done multiple times. I don't judge all men but am constantly amazed by how many seem to think they know what they want and when it gets down to brass tacks, they act very differently. Not fact, but only my observations. I don't say "ALL men"...and I started with "I think".

I get your point. However,a christian counselor,who happens to be a woman,once told me,"Yes,youdo have to pay for the sins of other men. Many women,whom I have met,have taken out their anger and frustrations on me,because they have been hurt by other men.

I do not make the news.I am just reporting the news.

 

[exitstageright]

It maybe works if you have a two income family where there are only two members (no kids) and equal incomes. I had a one income family and I did the lion share of the home responsibilities....my job had value because it allowed him the freedom to earn more. Not sure how you would divide it with a family...

What happens in your financial plan if one person loses his/her job or becomes sick and can't do it for a period of time?

And I just looked at the numbers...do you really think that most people can live on $2000 a month for living expenses? Rent must be a lot cheaper where you live.

Where I live,in the San Francisco Bay Area,is very expensive. I used $4,000 total income a month as a round figure.Actually,my ex's trust gave her an allowance of $4,000 per month. My take home pay, from Stanford Medical Center, was $4,000 per month. So,we brought home a total of $8,000 a month! Now,that should be enough! Many couples would give their eye tooth if they could bring home $8,000 a month or $96,000 dollars per year. We should not have been fighting over money.

And yet,she still was complaining that we could not afford to buy a $4.00 garage door opener remote control unit!! That was just insane! That just "did not compute"!

Yes,this plan is ideal for a two- earner couple with no kids.But,even though I love to make plans,when plan"A" does not work,I switch to plan "B".

 

[Messy]

And yet,she still was complaining that we could not afford to buy a $4.00 garage door opener remote control unit!!

Lol that's really stingy. My son wanted to become a famous painter and get a whole lot of money. Why do you want so much money then?
'I want to swim in it.'

 

[blackribbon]

regular sex, companionship, travel together, have dinner together, go to family events together, watch movies together, go on hikes, set up game nights, etc etc.

What exactly are you looking for?

when you go out to the movies, do you each pay...and split the check at restaurants?...or who's money do these events come out of ?

When I marry, I want "oneness"...a sense of team...that each person contributes their strengths and helps the other with their weaknesses without a financial tally system going. That may mean if one person dreams of owning a bass boat or vacationing in New York, the other person contributes to that dream. That there isn't a sense of "that is mine" and "that is yours"... with possessions, time, and even our bodies.