Friend Zone

[pittsflyer]

There is a VERY huge difference when you are being patient becuase you are busy sorting thorugh a mail room full of proposals and if you have to move heaven and earth to generate any interest.

HUGE difference in the phycology of the situation. Try having guys look at you and say eww and look at you with contempt when you smile at them, big difference.

Most of them but some found a great spouses there. You have to be very patient for it I think.

 

[blackribbon]

Yea, we have such different life experences I dont think you could even understand what I am talking about. Also if you have men tripping over themselves to be with you, you were a solid cutie, maybe not helen of troy but you had to be a very solid 7 or 8 otherwise men would not do that I GAURENTEE.

I have met women like you before and your life outlook is from that of a gate keeper not the one trying to cross over. Its like the boarder agent being upset he does not have a faster helicopter vs the guy in the river trying to swim across who has a very strong chance of not making it.

I have a big heart and see people who they are. I can be trusted with their dreams and their weaknesses. That is my drawing point. At my age now, many men don't trust this trait in me. And it takes actually asking me out to realize that I am like this. I had one man that I dated for about a year tell me that he didn't believe that there was anything such as "unconditional love"....but then he said, if there was, I was the closest thing he had ever seen to it.

I am now a nurse. I have had numerous men who have been my patients try to ask me out. Trust me...if I had any natural beauty, it is mostly gone. My smile is what attracts them. And the way I can look at them at their weakest...(yeah, when you are sick and naked, there isn't much weaker) with complete acceptance and kindness...and suddenly I become beautiful.

I wish it translated to finding men in the real world...but I am not pretty enough anymore to attract men who do not know me first...and I don't find myself in many situations where I meet many available men.

 

[Messy]

you can see the women that hit 30 without a kid start getting crazy because guys wont touch them. They start getting wild eyes (seen it for myself on my buddys dating profile) and get really desperate and not desperate for a man (I think that is sexy) but desperate to pop out a kid, its like just go to a sprem bank if they want one that bad. Oh and if you start talking about what they like in bed they disappear, because of course sexual compatibility is not important just poping out the kids.

That's horrible. Here most first want to study and start late with kids. I know one who desperately wanted a kid, she just went to a sperm bank. She just wanted a kid, not a man.

 

[pittsflyer]

I would hope for an amazing nurse like you when I am passing out of this world as all of my family is older than be by alot (save for like 2 cousins). But thats not a time people are worried about dating lol.

Why did you stop dating that guy if it was going great?

I guess I am just really real about my observations in my life. It is very hard not to focus on the negitive because its all around. I suppose that is why we are suppose to be a light.

I have a big heart and see people who they are. I can be trusted with their dreams and their weaknesses. That is my drawing point. At my age now, many men don't trust this trait in me. And it takes actually asking me out to realize that I am like this. I had one man that I dated for about a year tell me that he didn't believe that there was anything such as "unconditional love"....but then he said, if there was, I was the closest thing he had ever seen to it.

I am now a nurse. I have had numerous men who have been my patients try to ask me out. Trust me...if I had any natural beauty, it is mostly gone. My smile is what attracts them. And the way I can look at them at their weakest...(yeah, when you are sick and naked, there isn't much weaker) with complete acceptance and kindness...and suddenly I become beautiful.

I wish it translated to finding men in the real world...but I am not pretty enough anymore to attract men who do not know me first...and I don't find myself in many situations where I meet many available men.

 

[pittsflyer]

Yea that makes total sense then but here in the USA I dont know if the sperm banks make it hard on women with paper work and pre qualifications or what but its rare to hear about a woman going that route. But you see them all over dating profiles, especially late 20's early 30's dating.

Most people here try to go to school and do all that in their late teens early 20's but thats also when looks are paramount, if your not a decent looking guy then your out in the cold exactly because women are not thinking about kids. Then when the baby fever hits they start looking for stable. I dont know if these women realize that the same type of men they rejected now want to have a little fun and not just pop out kids and have mountians of responsibility just becasue THEY are ready.

I just see it WAY too often, other than the hand full of couples that married young and stayed together or were widowed this scenario plays out like clock work almost.

That's horrible. Here most first want to study and start late with kids. I know one who desperately wanted a kid, she just went to a sperm bank. She just wanted a kid, not a man.

 

[Messy]

Yea that makes total sense then but here in the USA I dont know if the sperm banks make it hard on women with paper work and pre qualifications or what but its rare to hear about a woman going that route. But you see them all over dating profiles, especially late 20's early 30's dating.

Most people here try to go to school and do all that in their late teens early 20's but thats also when looks are paramount, if your not a decent looking guy then your out in the cold exactly because women are not thinking about kids. Then when the baby fever hits they start looking for stable. I dont know if these women realize that the same type of men they rejected now want to have a little fun and not just pop out kids and have mountians of responsibility just becasue THEY are ready.

I just see it WAY too often, other than the hand full of couples that married young and stayed together or were widowed this scenario plays out like clock work almost.

They're afraid, they have to hurry up, I had the first one with 36, but a lot think you should start at least with 30, because with 35 you can get complications (which I got, I had two miscarriages). I saw one girl asking for advice, she met a guy and she hardly knew him, but she was 32 or something, so hurry up, hurry up, she wanted to marry straight away and get a kid. Everyone adviced her to stay calm and first find out if they're even compatible.

 

[yesyoushould]

Hello,

I am having a difficulty understanding a relationship I am in.

I'm close to a guy at church, and have developed a crush. We serve in a few ministries together. We enjoy each other's company when we serve together. He says he has difficulty sustaining conversation with others, and yet we can talk for hours. I mean, like almost a whole day hours.

I know it's not my imagination: we have loads of chemistry. The first time we ever had a friendly hug after knowing each other for a few weeks, his face got awkwardly close enough to kiss me. Another time we hugged and neither one of us wanted to let go, just got lost in it. I finally pulled away. Then he stood there looking at me, and I thought he might try to kiss me if I were any closer.

I'm older than him, and in some contexts where we serve, I am his leader. I push him into leadership roles as well. He expresses deep gratitude for this because while he has lead in the world, he hasn't lead in a ministry context. He listens intently to my advice, and I feel as though God is using me in a very positive way in his life. And mine, because he has pushed me right back, and has been a very positive influence.

But then....he makes a huge point, at least once a week, to say that I am his friend and advisor. Either as part of a text, or just off the cuff. He has said it a few times in front of others that I am his friend, in case there's any confusion. And then he's staring at me, and hanging on my every word, like someone who wants to be my boyfriend. Others have remarked on this chemistry we have.

What am I supposed to do with this guy? I keep trying to pray away these feelings, since he doesn't feel the same way. If I didn't see the results of God working with me in a positive way in his life, I would run in the other direction to protect my heart. As it is, I feel that I have to suck it up and try to get over him for the greater good, to not let my feelings get in the way of how God wants to use me in his life.

Aargh.

The "friend zone" scenario is for those who are lost. Lost in the world of confusion and cannot ever be trusted.

 

[blackribbon]

I would hope for an amazing nurse like you when I am passing out of this world as all of my family is older than be by alot (save for like 2 cousins). But thats not a time people are worried about dating lol.

Why did you stop dating that guy if it was going great?

I guess I am just really real about my observations in my life. It is very hard not to focus on the negitive because its all around. I suppose that is why we are suppose to be a light.

Hahaha hospitals aren't only for old people. The guys who actually asked me out were younger than I am. The ones who just admired from afar were my age. The old ones treat me like a daughter but sure can be sweet. Now I work on a woman's only unit...so not an issue.

As for the guy I was dating...he traded me in on the model that he said he didn't want...the one that told him what to do and when to do it...and went to the church he didn't want to belong to. However, he knew her from high school and thought she was out of his league so he was flattered when she contacted him. From what his daughter posts on twitter, they fight a lot. I guess he really did like drama in a relationship.

 

[Messy]

As for the guy I was dating...he traded me in on the model that he said he didn't want...the one that told him what to do and when to do it...and went to the church he didn't want to belong to. However, he knew her from high school and thought she was out of his league so he was flattered when she contacted him. From what his daughter posts on twitter, they fight a lot. I guess he really did like drama in a relationship.

So stupid, out of his league only because of the looks. Lol who cares about the character anyway?

 

[pittsflyer]

The grumpy cat cares

So stupid, out of his league only because of the looks. Lol who cares about the character anyway?

 

[blackribbon]

She is a event planner at a major hotel so she "knows" some important people around town and even has met some movie stars. He talked like she walked in their social circles instead of just being "the hired help" when she organized these big events. She also spent more money than she could afford (had some serious debt issues) to look like she fit in. I suspect that is why he still hasn't married her because he is cheap and probably is making her pay off her own debt first. I was only a "stay-at-home mom" at the time (living off social security related to my husband's death while I was helping my kids adjust).... I think he thought I was going to be liability. Funny, I went to school since then and it won't be long before I have the ability to make more money than he does. And working in the number one hospital in my state, I probably will have the opportunity to meet people just as important as she does...not that celebrity means much to me. People are people.

 

[Messy]

I suspect that is why he still hasn't married her because he is cheap and probably is making her pay off her own debt first.

You'd love to have a Dutch man then. They're all cheap. Here you can also just marry but both have your own money and with a divorce: no problem, this is mine, this is from you.
First thing they ask: Tell me about your job. Some won't even date you if you're not highly educated with a good income. They have special dating sites for those.

 

[pittsflyer]

I have heard ALOT of women refer to men as "cheap". I mean seriously where is the line between cheap and just flat out irrisponsible. And where is the line between "cheap" and prudent (ie having your own account to prevent damage rather than having to clean up a mess that someone ELSE made out of your own finances).

Splitting up a check at a modest dinner in an established relationship is probably cheap. But me not paying my girl friend or wifes student loans or car payment is hardly cheap.

Dutch men sound smart, they are not going to bend over to female peer pressure and grossly irrisponsible spending at the mans expense. When someone truely experiences some devistating financial consequences it wont be funny or cute anymore. What to find out who is really cheap .... banks and lenders lol.

Try getting hooked up for a deficiency judgement on a house, or outragious credit card debt, or out of control spending that forces you to work WAY beyond when you wanted too. Its not funny anymore.

You'd love to have a Dutch man then. They're all cheap. Here you can also just marry but both have your own money and with a divorce: no problem, this is mine, this is from you.
First thing they ask: Tell me about your job. Some won't even date you if you're not highly educated with a good income. They have special dating sites for those.

 

[blackribbon]

He was cheap and proud of it. I don't have a problem with that. However, if he loved her as much as he said he did...couldn't wait to marry her....then he could have married her and helped her work it out. Especially since he admired the things that money had bought. Instead he lives in her house enjoying the things but probably doesn't see the irony of not wanting to help pay for them just because he wasn't present at the purchase time.

If you aren't willing to help pay off the debt of the woman you marry someday, I assume that means you are currently debt-free?

 

[Messy]

I have heard ALOT of women refer to men as "cheap". I mean seriously where is the line between cheap and just flat out irrisponsible. And where is the line between "cheap" and prudent (ie having your own account to prevent damage rather than having to clean up a mess that someone ELSE made out of your own finances).

Splitting up a check at a modest dinner in an established relationship is probably cheap. But me not paying my girl friend or wifes student loans or car payment is hardly cheap.

Dutch men sound smart, they are not going to bend over to female peer pressure and grossly irrisponsible spending at the mans expense. When someone truely experiences some devistating financial consequences it wont be funny or cute anymore. What to find out who is really cheap .... banks and lenders lol.

Try getting hooked up for a deficiency judgement on a house, or outragious credit card debt, or out of control spending that forces you to work WAY beyond when you wanted too. Its not funny anymore.

Yes she's irresponsible, but my second ex was Dutch, it was his money. Didn't ever buy the kids a 10 bucks toy lol. There are some extremes here. About cheap men here that was a joke someone made but there is some truth in it. And a lot do Splitting up checks with the first dates. It's like wow when someone doesn't.

 

[exitstageright]

Yes she's irresponsible, but my second ex was Dutch, it was his money. Didn't ever buy the kids a 10 bucks toy lol. There are some extremes here. About cheap men here that was a joke someone made but there is some truth in it. And a lot do Splitting up checks with the first dates. It's like wow when someone doesn't.

All during my adult life,when it came to finances,I have always been on an even keel.. In other words,I save some. I spend some.
When I told my first fiance,that even though I grossed only $650.oo per month in the U.S.Navy,I saved over $3,000, about 40% of my income. The average American saves about only 5% of their income.She told me,"That is great!! You should handle our money,because you are so responsible!"

But,after we were married,she no longer called me responsible. She said that I was cheap! So,even though I have always handled money the same. My first wife said that I was cheap. My second wife,the multi-millionaire,said that I spend money like a drunken sailor. Go figure,
now,I cannot be both. Can I not be?

 

[pittsflyer]

Correct

He was cheap and proud of it. I don't have a problem with that. However, if he loved her as much as he said he did...couldn't wait to marry her....then he could have married her and helped her work it out. Especially since he admired the things that money had bought. Instead he lives in her house enjoying the things but probably doesn't see the irony of not wanting to help pay for them just because he wasn't present at the purchase time.

If you aren't willing to help pay off the debt of the woman you marry someday, I assume that means you are currently debt-free?

 

[pittsflyer]

Guys are wising up to the first date phenomena, where women just go out with guys they are only marginally interested in becuase they have nothing else going on that weekend. Splitting the check on the first date and any subsequent dates where you are still getting a side hug is prudent not cheap. If we are sleeping together and in an exclusive relationship then thats different. The only way I would pay on a first date is if she was completely enamored with me and it was pretty clear that things could go to the next level. Otherwise split the check.

Not buying the toy is extreme unless the kid was a little older and he was trying to teach him budgeting and money managment.

Yes she's irresponsible, but my second ex was Dutch, it was his money. Didn't ever buy the kids a 10 bucks toy lol. There are some extremes here. About cheap men here that was a joke someone made but there is some truth in it. And a lot do Splitting up checks with the first dates. It's like wow when someone doesn't.

 

[pittsflyer]

Its because you did not spend money on some thing that she wanted in the heat of the moment. Its responsible until she cant get something she wants on the spur of a moment then its cheap. I would never combined finances with another person ever again even if I eventually get remarried.

All during my adult life,when it came to finances,I have always been on an even keel.. In other words,I save some. I spend some.
When I told my first fiance,that even though I grossed only $650.oo per month in the U.S.Navy,I saved over $3,000, about 40% of my income. The average American saves about only 5% of their income.She told me,"That is great!! You should handle our money,because you are so responsible!"

But,after we were married,she no longer called me responsible. She said that I was cheap! So,even though I have always handled money the same. My first wife said that I was cheap. My second wife,the multi-millionaire,said that I spend money like a drunken sailor. Go figure,
now,I cannot be both. Can I not be?

 

[Messy]

Guys are wising up to the first date phenomena, where women just go out with guys they are only marginally interested in becuase they have nothing else going on that weekend. Splitting the check on the first date and any subsequent dates where you are still getting a side hug is prudent not cheap. If we are sleeping together and in an exclusive relationship then thats different. The only way I would pay on a first date is if she was completely enamored with me and it was pretty clear that things could go to the next level. Otherwise split the check.

Not buying the toy is extreme unless the kid was a little older and he was trying to teach him budgeting and money managment.

Yes I understand that, when you date like 10 people to find out which one is nice after a few emails that you're not going to pay. By the way I've Always seen it as normal, also that he had no money and I paid, but when I look back, my first ex paid for me, he insisted and he was serious, first date I ever had and he married me later. It's also culture I think, he's Indonesian. He had almost nothing, but he just got some money so he wanted to pay. Money was never a problem, we had everything together, no problem at all. Can I buy stuff for the kids? No we don't have so much now. Okay. He just gave to people who needed it, love that. If a guy wants his money so bad, keep it. Please I don't even want some, I'd feel guilty about it.
Next ex, my, he was Dutch and also he had autism so he couldn't help it, but after a lot of nagging finally he found a job and paid half of the rent. He thought since I had to do that anyway and they were my kids, why did he also have to pay? We got almost the same salary. He bought himself electronics and stuff, sometimes he worked extra lol and he went with my kid to the toy shop to buy a toy for himself. The kid was too young to understand. It was just his money. He just never bought them anything.