Friend Zone

[blackribbon]

I have "been dumped" ... after a year of dating even. I know what it feels like but that doesn't make it truth. There was a gentleman who I was starting to see a life together...he actually kept talking about moving in together but I was only willing to move to the same town/neighborhood to see how it would be to literally start to mesh our lives together. It was a good thing because he suddenly started dating a woman he kind of knew from high school who contacted him via Facebook. Talk about a slap in the face. However bad it hurt, it wasn't that he didn't like me...but rather, she represented what he thought he wanted out of life. She was everything he told me he didn't want in a woman or a relationship...and yet he was madly in love with her...couldn't wait to marry her...they moved in together less than a year later...and now I see that although she has been wearing an engagement ring for almost 4 years, he hasn't married her. I think I know why he picked her...and it wasn't about rejecting me....I wasn't really what he was looking for. Sad to say, I don't think he is happy now either...but that isn't my problem. At least it isn't us that is unhappy together.

 

[pittsflyer]

This ties back to the age old addage, is it better to have loved and lost (sexual relationship where you are dumped) or to have never loved at all (being friend zoned). I suppose that answer is different for everyone.

I married 2 wrong women I was with for 4 years each, it was for sure better than porn for 8 years considering I am not a man with a ton of options. There may have been some smarter moves I could have made in high school if I knew my dating worth that early in the game but who knows.

I mean sometimes when it boils right down to it its just nice to have a regular sex partner even if you know you are going to get "dumped" eventually. Maybe for the more pedigried people out there they dont have to accept such terms and can still get what they want.

As far as anyone just out and out leaving like that, there is no way anyone can ever predict that and im not going to indefinitly put my life on hold because I might get left.

I have "been dumped" ... after a year of dating even. I know what it feels like but that doesn't make it truth. There was a gentleman who I was starting to see a life together...he actually kept talking about moving in together but I was only willing to move to the same town/neighborhood to see how it would be to literally start to mesh our lives together. It was a good thing because he suddenly started dating a woman he kind of knew from high school who contacted him via Facebook. Talk about a slap in the face. However bad it hurt, it wasn't that he didn't like me...but rather, she represented what he thought he wanted out of life. She was everything he told me he didn't want in a woman or a relationship...and yet he was madly in love with her...couldn't wait to marry her...they moved in together less than a year later...and now I see that although she has been wearing an engagement ring for almost 4 years, he hasn't married her. I think I know why he picked her...and it wasn't about rejecting me....I wasn't really what he was looking for. Sad to say, I don't think he is happy now either...but that isn't my problem. At least it isn't us that is unhappy together.

 

[blackribbon]

Could it be that you date and pursue women with the wrong objective in mind? How did you marry two wrong women?

 

[exitstageright]

Exit, are you saying that your ship assignment changed multiple times after being trained ...because some of my husband's best friends came from his four short years in the Navy. It didn't matter that they lived across the country after being discharged. They talked on the phone and visited each other every few years.

I guess I will never "get" the attitude that some people date with...that THIS one MIGHT JUST BE THE ONE...on the first few dates. I get thinking about it and wondering, but dating to me is just getting to know someone to see where it goes...not grand expectations of a life together when I still may not even know his middle name or what his parent's first names are. It is a time to determine compatibility. And yes, it feels bad when you like someone enough to want to continue to date and they determine that they don't like you that much in return...but again, we are talking about "LIKE" and potentially "LUST", not "LOVE" at this point.

Case in point....think hard...how many people have you dated in your life time...even once...now divide that number into how many you actually married...and multiple by 100. That is the probability of you marrying the next person you date. I bet those aren't odds that you would normally consider a "good bet". a

And have you ever had anyone who liked you more than you liked them...do you feel guilt for making them feel rejected? Did that mean you didn't like them...or that you didn't like them in that way or that much...was it something terribly personal to you to reject them?

Exit...the girls are not telling you the truth...since I don't know you, I can't tell you what you are doing wrong. But if I have a male friend that I adore as a friend only, I would have zero problem introducing him to a friend who was a good match. That would mean I could hang out with two good friends at the same time and not worry about hurting his feelings. And many woman at our age do appreciate "nice" guys very much....so either you are hanging out with women who are only interested in money or you aren't really hearing what they are saying.

Black,FYI most of the women I date are Christian women,who" lie like a dog"
to me . So is it okay for these women to sin by lying,but it is not ok for me to sin by going to a massage parlour,when I am craving the touch of a woman?

As you can see in these pictures, I would hardly call any of these women, "girls" Our age group was from 40's to 60's.As you can see,I have lost weight.
I was singing Smokey Robinson's"The Tears of A Clown".This is a song in which I can truly identify with.


I did have a lot of fun on the Singles'Mexican Cruise last week. However,I did not make a connection with any woman in our group.That usually happens when there are more men than women.I just get overlooked. Now ,on the two Formal Nights,when I was wearing my tux,and my white dinner jacket,ALL of the women said that I was handsome.The only problem for me is,that I cannot wear my tux while grocery shopping at Safeway. . Or,maybe you are right.These women are just a bunch of lying witches.If I am so handsome,as they say,why do they pick the other men to hang out with,instead of me? I did make a connection with a woman,who was not in our singles'group.We got along very well.We have a lot in common. But, she is from.........England.
It just never fails.I just cannot meet someone like her who lives here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

 

[exitstageright]

I have "been dumped" ... after a year of dating even. I know what it feels like but that doesn't make it truth. There was a gentleman who I was starting to see a life together...he actually kept talking about moving in together but I was only willing to move to the same town/neighborhood to see how it would be to literally start to mesh our lives together. It was a good thing because he suddenly started dating a woman he kind of knew from high school who contacted him via Facebook. Talk about a slap in the face. However bad it hurt, it wasn't that he didn't like me...but rather, she represented what he thought he wanted out of life. She was everything he told me he didn't want in a woman or a relationship...and yet he was madly in love with her...couldn't wait to marry her...they moved in together less than a year later...and now I see that although she has been wearing an engagement ring for almost 4 years, he hasn't married her. I think I know why he picked her...and it wasn't about rejecting me....I wasn't really what he was looking for. Sad to say, I don't think he is happy now either...but that isn't my problem. At least it isn't us that is unhappy together.

By the way,I am attracted to the Jewish lady on the far right.We had a great time dancing.She is smart.She is a great,great,great, dancer.And, last,but not least,she has a very fine looking .......b. Yes,she is beautiful to me. But she was only interested in someone out side of our group. I wish I had someone like her.I would try my very best to try to make her happy.

Yes,She is Jewish.But she treats me far better than most christian women whom I have known.

 

[blackribbon]

By the way,I am attracted to the Jewish lady on the far right.We had a great time dancing.She is smart.She is a great,great,great, dancer.And, last,but not least,she has a very fine looking .......b. Yes,she is beautiful to me. But she was only interested in someone out side of our group. I wish I had someone like her.I would try my very best to try to make her happy.

Yes,She is Jewish.But she treats me far better than most christian women whom I have known.

Why do we believe we can make someone happy or love us, if they would just give us the chance? What if the woman on the far left felt the same way about you? Would you date her and give her the same chance you want the woman on the right to give you?

 

[blackribbon]

Black,FYI most of the women I date are Christian women,who" lie like a dog"
to me . So is it okay for these women to sin by lying,but it is not ok for me to sin by going to a massage parlour,when I am craving the touch of a woman?

As you can see in these pictures, I would hardly call any of these women, "girls" Our age group was from 40's to 60's.As you can see,I have lost weight.
I was singing Smokey Robinson's"The Tears of A Clown".This is a song in which I can truly identify with.


I did have a lot of fun on the Singles'Mexican Cruise last week. However,I did not make a connection with any woman in our group.That usually happens when there are more men than women.I just get overlooked. Now ,on the two Formal Nights,when I was wearing my tux,and my white dinner jacket,ALL of the women said that I was handsome.The only problem for me is,that I cannot wear my tux while grocery shopping at Safeway. . Or,maybe you are right.These women are just a bunch of lying witches.If I am so handsome,as they say,why do they pick the other men to hang out with,instead of me? I did make a connection with a woman,who was not in our singles'group.We got along very well.We have a lot in common. But, she is from.........England.
It just never fails.I just cannot meet someone like her who lives here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I can easily think someone is handsome and have no desire to date them...so would it be a lie to actually say that I thought they looked good?

You aren't likely to meet someone from your local area while on a cruise or world traveling...the odds are just not in your favor. That would be like going to a Cowboy vs Patriots game and being disappointed that you didn't meet one other 49ners fan.

 

[pittsflyer]

At a certian point a guy just gets tired of being looked at with contempt and they want the touch of a woman so you take what you can get.

Could it be that you date and pursue women with the wrong objective in mind? How did you marry two wrong women?

 

[yellowrosebutterfly]

I am sorry - didn't receive any alerts until today that people had responded to my post. Thanks for taking the time.

I made a decision to focus completely on our friendship. My heart has other ideas, but my head had been overruling it whenever he's around. Another guy I'd crushed on in the past started coming around showing interest. Then that guy went out of town. While he was gone, my crush started doting on another woman, quite publicly. I was feeling quite BLUE. Yet, in the midst of this, a teammate inferred that he and I are in a relationship. I was so shocked - couldn't she see that he liked this other woman? I wanted to say that, but instead I clarified that we're just friends and left it alone.

Then I don't know what happened, but he stopped paying attention to that woman. Shortly thereafter, for reasons unknown, he started connecting to me again. Nothing romantic - just attentiveness and staring. Then I noticed that he has stopped reinforcing that we are friends every time after we have a good connection. For example, we talked for a long time recently after a meeting. Usually after that, he'd do something to clarify our friend status. But the next time I saw him in a big crowd of friends, he treated me as though I was the only woman in the room. It was nice.

Then, I saw him again at a meeting and he was in retreat mode. I expected it, because I read that most guys get this way intermittently to protect themselves emotionally, and kept my distance, too. He started inching toward me, and we ended up having an amazing talk after everyone else was gone about something I was going through. I kicked myself later for letting down my guard, and braced myself for a friend zone text. Instead, he sent me a powerful, encouraging one about my character that almost made me cry. I thanked him from my heart.

As for our church leaders, the pastor to whom I report directly gave me a silly grin when seeing us interacting at a meeting a while back, as though pleased. The only resistance I have ever met is from other women who like him - not from those above us in leadership. A leader saw us merely walking together the other day and asked, "How are you guys doing?" like we're a couple. This same leader had seen us chatting recently, away from everyone, and stopped in her tracks to make conversation. We were super deep into it so we had barely glanced at her.

He revealed to me the other day that a good friend of his left our church over the interference of others. He was dating a girl, and some leaders didn't like it and told him as much. They ended up breaking up from all the pressure and he is done. My response to my crush was that people should mind their own business and I personally don't care what they think.

I am falling, but not convinced that we're doing so together.

 

[dayhiker]

To me the friend so is both a good place to be and a bad place to be. its good because its always good to have friends. Friends to do things with and friends to bounce ideas off and just hang out with it. I find its pretty easy to get friends, I just have to be interested in them and take the inititive to stay in contact with them as well as invite them to do things with me.

The down side of the friend so is we often want a romantic relationship and the friend so is often a way or the other person pushing us way and they aren't going to make any time commitment to be friends. So being put in the friends zone if often just a nice way of saying they don't want to be a GF or BF.

 

[dayhiker]

yellowrosebutterfly - I like that your opening your heart and sharing with him. I hope he opens his heart and shares with you as well.

 

[blackribbon]

Butterfly,

If this is to be, I think you have done everything to set it up to happen in the best possible circumstances...waiting until he realizes that he wants it to. I think you are a very wise woman.

 

[blackribbon]

At a certian point a guy just gets tired of being looked at with contempt and they want the touch of a woman so you take what you can get.

So you ask them to MARRY you? That sounds cruel to her as well as yourself.

 

[exitstageright]

Why do we believe we can make someone happy or love us, if they would just give us the chance? What if the woman on the far left felt the same way about you? Would you date her and give her the same chance you want the woman on the right to give you?

Our singles group on this cruise consisted of 31 men and 30 women. The woman on the far left was the first one that I talked to. She told me that she was never married and have no children. She said that she was never presented with the oppertunity to do so. She also told me that she is not looking for "the one" on this cruise. I was the only man in our group to ask her to dance. She told me,"no". Go figure,as she told me earlier that she likes to dance. Well,that was her loss,as the other women told me,and showed me that they love dancing with me.

 

[exitstageright]

I can easily think someone is handsome and have no desire to date them...so would it be a lie to actually say that I thought they looked good?

You aren't likely to meet someone from your local area while on a cruise or world traveling...the odds are just not in your favor. That would be like going to a Cowboy vs Patriots game and being disappointed that you didn't meet one other 49ners fan.

That is a great analogy about a football game.NOW you are talking my langauge! However,at a 49ers-Packers game in San Francisco,I did see a fan wearing a Raider's jacket. Well,Raider fans are a different breed of people.

I am sorry that again I was not clear in my communication to you.
What I meant was that,why can't I meet and find a woman,whom I click with,and who accepts me here at home,while I am going to a museum,park,shopping,at church,or even at a 49ers game? For example,
why can't I find the "woman who lives next door" to me at home? When I was living in an apartment building,I did meet two different women in the apartment's laundry room. But,they were not interested in me. I guess that type of luck only happens in the movies.

 

[pittsflyer]

Why would it be cruel?

So you ask them to MARRY you? That sounds cruel to her as well as yourself.

 

[dayhiker]

Yes, exit, things work out better when you have a good writer. Since you like to act .. maybe hire an writer to write your scripts for you. .. sorry, I coudn't resist. grin

When I was living in an apartment building,I did meet two different women in the apartment's laundry room. But,they were not interested in me. I guess that type of luck only happens in the movies.

 

[exitstageright]

Yes, exit, things work out better when you have a good writer. Since you like to act .. maybe hire an writer to write your scripts for you. .. sorry, I coudn't resist. grin

LOL! Oh,I forgot! On one singles cruise,I did meet a lady in our group that liked me. We re-played the famous beach scene,after the ocean waves knocked us down, from "Here to Eternity".The actors were Deborah Kerr and Bert Lancaster.

 

[blackribbon]

Why would it be cruel?

You don't think marrying someone who you don't love but just think is better than no warm body is wrong? If someone asked me to marry him, I'd hope it was because he loved me and thought I was something special...not his "well, she is better than nothing" girl.

 

[blackribbon]

That is a great analogy about a football game.NOW you are talking my langauge! However,at a 49ers-Packers game in San Francisco,I did see a fan wearing a Raider's jacket. Well,Raider fans are a different breed of people.

I am sorry that again I was not clear in my communication to you.
What I meant was that,why can't I meet and find a woman,whom I click with,and who accepts me here at home,while I am going to a museum,park,shopping,at church,or even at a 49ers game? For example,
why can't I find the "woman who lives next door" to me at home? When I was living in an apartment building,I did meet two different women in the apartment's laundry room. But,they were not interested in me. I guess that type of luck only happens in the movies.

Because it looks like more of us don't find that special someone that do at this age...probably because our tastes become more picky because we have a better idea of who we are and that translates into recognizing what we don't want a lot quicker.