Friend Zone

[yellowrosebutterfly]

Hello,

I am having a difficulty understanding a relationship I am in.

I'm close to a guy at church, and have developed a crush. We serve in a few ministries together. We enjoy each other's company when we serve together. He says he has difficulty sustaining conversation with others, and yet we can talk for hours. I mean, like almost a whole day hours.

I know it's not my imagination: we have loads of chemistry. The first time we ever had a friendly hug after knowing each other for a few weeks, his face got awkwardly close enough to kiss me. Another time we hugged and neither one of us wanted to let go, just got lost in it. I finally pulled away. Then he stood there looking at me, and I thought he might try to kiss me if I were any closer.

I'm older than him, and in some contexts where we serve, I am his leader. I push him into leadership roles as well. He expresses deep gratitude for this because while he has lead in the world, he hasn't lead in a ministry context. He listens intently to my advice, and I feel as though God is using me in a very positive way in his life. And mine, because he has pushed me right back, and has been a very positive influence.

But then....he makes a huge point, at least once a week, to say that I am his friend and advisor. Either as part of a text, or just off the cuff. He has said it a few times in front of others that I am his friend, in case there's any confusion. And then he's staring at me, and hanging on my every word, like someone who wants to be my boyfriend. Others have remarked on this chemistry we have.

What am I supposed to do with this guy? I keep trying to pray away these feelings, since he doesn't feel the same way. If I didn't see the results of God working with me in a positive way in his life, I would run in the other direction to protect my heart. As it is, I feel that I have to suck it up and try to get over him for the greater good, to not let my feelings get in the way of how God wants to use me in his life.

Aargh.

 

[dayhiker]

I guess there could be a few reasons for ending up in the friend zone.

In church contexts it can be because we are thinking if I kiss her then I'll cross a line and started moving toward thinking about sexual things. We some don't go there as they figure this girl is and wants to stay pure and I'd mess that up for her.

Another reason I know of is I have a friend and he knows as soon as he has been sexual with a woman he starts to loss interest in her.

Maybe he wants to stay single because of past hurts from relationships.

Only want I know is to say we need to talk about this and ask if he is interested in being a BF. That is the only way I know of that you will know what he is thinking. At that time you can let him know what you would like as well. If the age difference needs to be talked about then talk about.

 

[yellowrosebutterfly]

Thank you. I kept thinking today about how hurt I feel when he makes a big deal of telling others that we are just friends. It feels as though he is ensuring that his options are open with any women in earshot. Then if a guy pays attention to me, he is right there like a jealous boyfriend. Or, he starts acting distant.

We both went through painful divorces. He had some failed relationships and then gave his heart to God. I have had my guard up when guys get too close, and haven't dated since my marriage ended.

 

[dayhiker]

ya we can have lots of issues to deal with, figure out etc after a divorce. Mine was I had to learn to communicate on a whole knew level. I've spent 7 years working on that now. I'm way better at it now and even get some compliments about how well I communicate. My basic statement became, if I'm feel like I want to avoid a conversation then I know I have to have that conversation.

 

[kymphony]

I'm such an outgoing person that I'd probably end up asking him when he was going to ask me out on a date. LOL

No wonder I'm single.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Hello,

I am having a difficulty understanding a relationship I am in.

What am I supposed to do with this guy? I keep trying to pray away these feelings, since he doesn't feel the same way. If I didn't see the results of God working with me in a positive way in his life, I would run in the other direction to protect my heart. As it is, I feel that I have to suck it up and try to get over him for the greater good, to not let my feelings get in the way of how God wants to use me in his life.

Aargh.

[FONT=Georgia, serif]What came to mind when I read this was a teacher/student relationship. I know you're talking about ministry but I would think that there would be some kind of protocol for this kind of situation. Have you talked to an Elder or someone else you trust who has years of ministry experience? [/FONT]

[FONT=Georgia, serif]I do think when you first noticed you were having some kind of romantic feelings for this guy that it was your responsibility (you being older in the Lord?) to separate yourself to ensure that there would be no confusion. Later you could talk on equal footing as bro/sis in Christ about what you both were experiencing and see if there was anything more to it without there being possible conflict to the ministry.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Georgia, serif]I think he's already telling you by making it clear that you're just friends...believe him. If you're going to stay in the situation I would suggest you guard your heart. [/FONT]​

 

[MorkandMindy]

I don't know enough about anything to give advice, but some questions came to mind.

Is there a partway position between where you presently are and becoming romantically committed, like can you be companions on an established schedule and in an agreed way? Like meet only in public places like have a coffee and talk about everything?

It sounds like you are both on the same wavelength and both would like to move forward together but just by a small step and with caution. That he is announcing something publicly I would guess might be because he knows it is a good idea to make the relationship status clear to the church and not because he doesn't have the feelings that he certainly appears to have.

Be kind, try not to get too stressed out, watch some TV sometimes, keep things in perspective.

 

[pittsflyer]

You just need to ask him out on a date and get him away from the church where there are prying eyes and people gosiping as well as the busy bodys that will start having "the talk" with him. Also how much older are we talking about?

 

[blackribbon]

What is so awful about the friendzone? It is honest expression that someone is not interested in starting a relationship with you but values you as a friend. Yes, it hurts to find out that someone we have feelings for may not have the same feelings but that is life.

 

[exitstageright]

What is so awful about the friendzone? It is honest expression that someone is not interested in starting a relationship with you but values you as a friend. Yes, it hurts to find out that someone we have feelings for may not have the same feelings but that is life.

Well,do you remember how you,or one of your class mates in elementary school felt,when the kickball team captian was picking players for his or her team,and you were not being picked? That feeling of rejection is an awful,awful,awful,feeling.

One being put in the friend zone is indirectly being told,"You are good,but you are not good enough to be my romantic partner.

As an analogy,in baseball,if everytime that you come up to the plate,you strike out. It is very easy to be discouraged.

 

[pittsflyer]

Aweful and life and not always mutually exclusive. Things can be aweful and "life". That is exactly what the friend zone is, it is an aweful part of life. That is why the term was coined in the first place because it sucks lol.

What is so awful about the friendzone? It is honest expression that someone is not interested in starting a relationship with you but values you as a friend. Yes, it hurts to find out that someone we have feelings for may not have the same feelings but that is life.

 

[exitstageright]

Aweful and life and not always mutually exclusive. Things can be aweful and "life". That is exactly what the friend zone is, it is an aweful part of life. That is why the term was coined in the first place because it sucks lol.

Just like we said in the U.S.Navy. "Hey,man.....that is ducked up!"

 

[blackribbon]

So a boyfriend or girlfriend is more important in life than a platonic friend? How many old boyfriends or girlfriends are still in your life versus how many real friends?

Most dating relationships do not work out and there is no going back to "just friends". What you are saying is that you are willing to risk this special friendship in the hopes that maybe...maybe that this is your potential one & only.

And how can being chosen to be a "friend" really be a rejection? Do you feel the same way when your best same sex friend doesn't agree with you? This opposite sex friend is just saying he doesn't agree with your romantic interest...that doesn't mean he/she doesn't like you.

 

[blackribbon]

Well,do you remember how you,or one of your class mates in elementary school felt,when the kickball team captian was picking players for his or her team,and you were not being picked? That feeling of rejection is an awful,awful,awful,feeling.

One being put in the friend zone is indirectly being told,"You are good,but you are not good enough to be my romantic partner.

As an analogy,in baseball,if everytime that you come up to the plate,you strike out. It is very easy to be discouraged.

No, this isn't the same...you were picked...you were picked to be A FRIEND. That is an honor in of its self. I'd hate to be any of your friends when you start dating someone because obviously, you are the kind that rejects your friends when a romantic interest walks in. Because everyone knows a short-term boyfriend/girlfriend has more value than a lifelong friend.

"Hey...sorry I can't make it tonight after all because XXX is suddenly available for dinner tonight. I'll give you a call when we break up in a few months and I need a shoulder to cry on."

 

[blackribbon]

the person who changed the rules of the friendship ... unless it started out as a romantic relationship...is the one who wants to change a friendship to a romantic relationship....so you actually are the one doing the rejection...

you are rejecting them as a friend because you have developed different feelings...and now are mad because they didn't too......

 

[pittsflyer]

Life long friends are rare and in my experience of the same sex. If a guy is going out with the purpose of finding a romantic partner then a friendship is not what they are looking for, the "friendship" does not satisfy the romantic portion of what he needs (ie closeness, sex, intimacy). I suppose a certain segment of guys that are chick magnets can handle a woman friend zoning him every once in a while but if the guy is being constantly friend zoned then that is a problem (unless he is a 100% eunuch).

I do agree with you that the situation sucks, you might really like some guy and want to hang out but just dont want to sleep with him. But you have to look at it from the rejected persons point of view, they really want someone to sleep with you and your not interested so they need to spend their time on other women who do what to sleep with them AND do all the friend stuff too (go see movies, hang out .... and then go have sex at the end of the night).

Maybe if you offered to set him up with your other girl friends that were more in his league that could be a good compromise. Then when he is dating one of your girl friends you guys could all go hang out together and you would not have to sleep with him.

As far as blowing off a life long friend ship for a fling that's a whole different situation, but at the same time the friend needs to understand it takes a few hours to watch a movie and have sex but even so efforts need to be made to have time with the best friend.

Now if this life long friend is opposite sex that could create some issues with the new girl friend, fortunately I have not had that problem but I think that opposite sex friends need to be more understanding that there could be jealousy issues and unless the guy in question is a total pimp you should not expect him to dump a romantic interest for a little bit of jealousy issues, especially if he was struggling to find anyone willing to sleep with him in the first place.

No, this isn't the same...you were picked...you were picked to be A FRIEND. That is an honor in of its self. I'd hate to be any of your friends when you start dating someone because obviously, you are the kind that rejects your friends when a romantic interest walks in. Because everyone knows a short-term boyfriend/girlfriend has more value than a lifelong friend.

"Hey...sorry I can't make it tonight after all because XXX is suddenly available for dinner tonight. I'll give you a call when we break up in a few months and I need a shoulder to cry on."

 

[pittsflyer]

Maybe they thought they could handle a platonic friend ship but as time went on they realized they couldn't. Why continue to torture yourself being around someone you really really want to sleep with but they dont? I suppose you could consider it a form of rejection but its more like a job interview rejection where as sexual rejection is much more personal in my opinion.

Maybe spending too much time with you is giving other women the wrong idea about his relationship status. Again unless your a pimp most men have to play every card they can.

Also why does being mad or angry have to be part of this? I am not mad at someone who friend zoned me I just dont want to spend time with them, if I were to see them again in passing I would be friendly.

the person who changed the rules of the friendship ... unless it started out as a romantic relationship...is the one who wants to change a friendship to a romantic relationship....so you actually are the one doing the rejection...

you are rejecting them as a friend because you have developed different feelings...and now are mad because they didn't too......

 

[exitstageright]

So a boyfriend or girlfriend is more important in life than a platonic friend? How many old boyfriends or girlfriends are still in your life versus how many real friends?

Most dating relationships do not work out and there is no going back to "just friends". What you are saying is that you are willing to risk this special friendship in the hopes that maybe...maybe that this is your potential one & only.

And how can being chosen to be a "friend" really be a rejection? Do you feel the same way when your best same sex friend doesn't agree with you? This opposite sex friend is just saying he doesn't agree with your romantic interest...that doesn't mean he/she doesn't like you.

After I left home,at age 18,in 1972,I have moved 40 times in 42 years. Some of my moving was due to being transferred,while going to different Naval Schools. Therefore,I have never stayed very long in one place to have a lasting friendships with more than 3 people for more than 10 years.Who are my male friends.

Now,after a lady friend zones me,many,many,many times I have asked her to introduce me to one of her friends.After I asked them,they all look at me as if I was speaking a different language. They quickly become silent.

Yes,I sometimes feel a little disappointed when a same sex friend disagrees with me. But,I do not feel for men the same way that I feel for women.Do you understand that?

I do have a lady friend.She told me last night that she would love to go out dancing with me again.She also said that she would just love to go on a cruise with me.We would be sleeping in different cabins,of course. She said that she hopes to get healthy soon.She has to get over a chest infection.
She is also recovering from cancer.

 

[exitstageright]

No, this isn't the same...you were picked...you were picked to be A FRIEND. That is an honor in of its self. I'd hate to be any of your friends when you start dating someone because obviously, you are the kind that rejects your friends when a romantic interest walks in. Because everyone knows a short-term boyfriend/girlfriend has more value than a lifelong friend.

"Hey...sorry I can't make it tonight after all because XXX is suddenly available for dinner tonight. I'll give you a call when we break up in a few months and I need a shoulder to cry on."

You just made my point.Many women pick me as a friend.They cry on my shoulders many times. But rarely does a woman see me as a potential lover. They all tell me that I am too nice. Just last week,on my Singles' Cruise,an older lady,who was not in our group,was sitting by the pool. We singles in the Vacations To Go group,were wearing name tags.These name tags were our passes to our private events. I had never seen,nor known this lady before. This older lady told me,"I see you are by yourself.The reason that the ladies are pairing up with the other men in your group,and not you,is because......you....are...too.......nice!"

The proof is in the pudding.I rest my case.

 

[blackribbon]

Exit, are you saying that your ship assignment changed multiple times after being trained ...because some of my husband's best friends came from his four short years in the Navy. It didn't matter that they lived across the country after being discharged. They talked on the phone and visited each other every few years.

I guess I will never "get" the attitude that some people date with...that THIS one MIGHT JUST BE THE ONE...on the first few dates. I get thinking about it and wondering, but dating to me is just getting to know someone to see where it goes...not grand expectations of a life together when I still may not even know his middle name or what his parent's first names are. It is a time to determine compatibility. And yes, it feels bad when you like someone enough to want to continue to date and they determine that they don't like you that much in return...but again, we are talking about "LIKE" and potentially "LUST", not "LOVE" at this point.

Case in point....think hard...how many people have you dated in your life time...even once...now divide that number into how many you actually married...and multiple by 100. That is the probability of you marrying the next person you date. I bet those aren't odds that you would normally consider a "good bet". a

And have you ever had anyone who liked you more than you liked them...do you feel guilt for making them feel rejected? Did that mean you didn't like them...or that you didn't like them in that way or that much...was it something terribly personal to you to reject them?

Exit...the girls are not telling you the truth...since I don't know you, I can't tell you what you are doing wrong. But if I have a male friend that I adore as a friend only, I would have zero problem introducing him to a friend who was a good match. That would mean I could hang out with two good friends at the same time and not worry about hurting his feelings. And many woman at our age do appreciate "nice" guys very much....so either you are hanging out with women who are only interested in money or you aren't really hearing what they are saying.