Friend problem (with a guy)

[welshchick]

Me and my friend (who's a guy) had a bit of an arguement tonight. I'm not really sure how to handle it now, but i'm pretty upset about what he said.

at college, over the last few months, i've become really close to a girl in the year above me (there aren't many girls in my college so i'm glad that i have one good friend who's a girl there!). She's been really instrumental in encouraging me and building me up in my faith and love for God, and i really think that God has used her in my life to do this. I've never felt so spiritually alive as before. Me and her spend a lot of time together - mainly in the library working together (even though we're working on different stuff) - just sitting next to someone else working gives you motivation to work yourself, and we often have some chat while we're doing it - about spiritual things as well as other things.

I have a lot of friends at college, but she is the closest friend i have there, and we do spend a lot of time together when she's there. However, i also have a close guy friend who i used to hang out with a lot, but lately i havent hung out with him as much. I've done this for 2 reasons:
1) i have a LOT of work on at the moment, and i'm struggling enough with it as it is - deadlines are coming up. But he doesn't understand this - he's in the year below me, so his workload is less, and also he's very laid back when it comes to work.
2) i feel that lately he has been hoping that me and him would start a relationship together. I do not want this in any way - i see him only as a friend, nothing else, and i have tried to give him the hint as much as possible.

I feel that because of both my workload, and the fact that he wants more than i am willing to give, that i should put him at arms length a bit. is this right? I really think that he should get some close guy friends, and not just be close to the girls, as i don't think its good for him. he really needs to hang out with the guys more. he doesn't seem to understand any of this however, and tonight he texted me saying that we should 'go out on a date tonight - no excuses'. i said no, beause i had just got home after working all day and wanted to just relax at home, spend some time with the Lord, and go to bed early. he basically texted back saying that the 'only way he can hang out with me anymore is by turning into X' (my close friend who is a girl). this really upset me, because he just doesn't understand. X is a close friend, and we do hang out a lot - we have good spiritual talk and we pray together etc (i feel that i cant do this with many other peeps i know).

I'm just not sure how to handle it all now. he just doesnt understand. should i just talk to him and put him at arms length? my studies do have to take priority, and also X is only here for 3 more months - so i want to make the most of the time that she is here for, because after that she'll be gone. however, i will not neglect my other friends. what do i do?
(sorry if all this is a bit of a shambles....i've just tried to put everything in my head down!)

p.s. i have hung out with him twice over the last 10 days - so it's not like we havent hung out at all. i am on vacation at the moment and have been trying to juggle both college work, seeing my family, and seeing my old high school friends who came down to see me.

 

[infantyouthpastor]

Well, the thing that I would remind you of is that you are your own person. In all reality, the way it seems to me, is that he is very demanding and domineering over you (we should go on a date tonight, etc). I would explain to him that you see him as only a friend, nothing more, and then see where it goes from there. If you're not attracted to him, then you're not, and you can't change that. Also, I believe that the male in any relationship should be the spiritual leader, even if you're just friends. Sounds to me as if he's having a difficult time being a Christ-like example to you.

My advice is this: Talk to him, explain to him that your friend, "X", encourages you in the Lord and challenges you to grow. Explain to him that you do not want to date him, but would be fine with being his friend. Explain your committment to school. Then, challenge him to step up and be the man of God that he was created to be, all the while doing this with humility. I'm writing this of course from the standpoint that he is already a committed Christian.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how it goes.

 

[Stanfi]

Well since you have spent a lot of time with this guy, I think he has become emotionally attached to you. Part of his reaction is jealousy that he is not getting to spend time with you.

You need to be very clear, not just hint, as to what your relationship to him is to be. The worst thing when involved with someone of the opposited sex is to assume things. Hearts gets smashed up in the end.

 

[justasinner]

First, I would tell you guy friend and if need be repeat it. What type of relationship that you want with him. Be very honest here.

Second I would tell him that your girlfriend is helping you in so many ways that your not going to give her up just to spend time with him. That there are thing that she can understand because she is a Christian woman that he might not understand. Or that there are things (women issues) that you will not talk to any guy about (except for maybe your husband) that you can with her.

Third if your guy friend can not understand that you are still friends with him but at the same time he is not your only friend, then maybe he has a problems that needs to be addressed before you can see him again. Plus your closeness with this girl, that is her being around you is temporary (3 months) and if he can not understand that and give you and her time together maybe he has some problems that he needs to work on before he should see you again.

I hope and pray that this advice will help!

 

[JPPT1974]

Well since you have spent a lot of time with this guy, I think he has become emotionally attached to you. Part of his reaction is jealousy that he is not getting to spend time with you.

You need to be very clear, not just hint, as to what your relationship to him is to be. The worst thing when involved with someone of the opposited sex is to assume things. Hearts gets smashed up in the end.

First go somewhere as a friend and get to know him. Tell him where you stand as well as seeking him as a friend first. And that you don't want to rush to things first of all.