friend is down.

[plainandsimple]

I like all of us have my difficulties in this life, however I have a question, a friend 35 years, he has been my friend, he is depressed, doctor is aware, he is on leave from work. at its worst he looks at the ceiling in silence or answer questions with few words, seems it is clinical depression -not due to any set thing, though his family life is a bit bleak, as his wife is going crazy with him under her feet all the time.

He is a Christian, but right now will not read the bible or pray.

Any thoughts ?

I am taking him to lunch in a few days time, even though he is anxious about going out, he has agreed to allow me to take him.

 

[Criada]

He is fortunate to have a friend who cares and wants to help. That will mean a great deal, even if he can't express it at the moment.
The best thing you can do is be there, let him know that you will listen if he wants to talk, but don't press him if he doesn't want to. And don't let him think that he is to blame - guilt is a huge thing when you feel depressed, especially for Christians, because there is an expectation that we should be able to 'cope'.
And pray for him... if he can't find God at the moment, just keep holding him up to the Father who can hold and heal him.

God bless you... you and your friend are in my prayers.

 

[LBJ123]

It's a tough call, but if he's a Christian, I believe he would want to pray when he is the most depressed? Personally, I experienced pretty severe depression and had lingering suicidal thoughts. That was when I tried to seek God the most because I knew I needed His deliverance. Ya, I can definitely relate to not wanting to go out in those times. I just wanted to be home on my bed and not socialize with anyone.

Try not to focus on his depression I suggest. Does he take medication? I'm assuming he does since you say his doctor is aware of it? maybe not? Anyways, I hope your lunch with him goes well.

I'd just like to say that there's no quick fix to depression. It's a lot of things and prayer and seeking God is just a part of it. Exercise is also important cause when you exercise endorphins are released and stress is released. I can tell you for sure that if he doesn't leave the house and stuff it won't be good for him. I was in first year university when that happened to me and my mom had to drag me out of my bed and I caused her a lot of grief as I refused to go to school and eventually dropped out. Luckily I recovered and I'm not 2.5 credits from completing my undergrad degree. so it's definitely possible

 

[maycin]

I know you are concerned about your friend and he is so fortunate to have you. One of the most important tools in helping cope with depression is you know someone will just listen and you can count on them. Listening is like a gift of love. Or if they don't want to talk asking them how you can help. Sending cards, short phone calls, asking him to lunch like you did.

I can understand not wanting to pray or read the Bible. I think that happens for many christians during depression. I know christian music spoke to my heart like nothing else during the awful times.

It sounds like his med's either haven't kicked in, or his doctor doesn't know his symptoms are so extreme. It is very common not to be able to even make a phone call to the doctor. And his wife seems overwhelmed.

I think he and his wife need some good christian advice and wisdom on depression. Focus on the Family should have some good advice. Or possibly a good book at the christian book store that understands it happens to christians, too. So many people don't really understand it. And christians feel so guilty and unfortunately the church and other christians don't help. God bless you for being such a great friend and please let us know how he is doing. And don't forget that you need support here too.

 

[Roadrunner3]

Hi plainandsimple,
You have certainly gotten a lot of good advice very quicly here, what an amazingly supportive group! I know from my own experience that when I was my most depressed my prayers "couldn't get past the ceiling", everything just looked hopeless. Like others have said, maintaining connection and communication and encouraging some activity is very helpful. If he seems to be getting worse instead of better, somebody needs to alert his doctor. I found a very helpful website in the middle of my strugges, ChristiansInRecovery.org.
Here is a poem that relates some of the feeling of disconnection:

I Wait

If I write in chalk,
It can be erased.
If I write in ink,
It can be shredded.
When I look for permanence,
I find transience.
I bow before the changeless
In my constantly changing body,
With my constantly changing mind.
I read that I was created "a little lower than the angels"
Should "little lower" really read "death and decay?"
I do not reach to the heavens to find You.
I sink into myself
I release all
This brief interlude between two dusty fields
And here, in my hopeless, helpless, hapless estate​

I wait

I will pray for your friend.

 

[plumsink]

Probably the best thing you can do for your friend is to let him know you are there for him if he needs you.

Prayers

 

[plainandsimple]

all of above

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP !

Great to have supported prayer.

I will let you know how lunch goes.

Plainandsimple.

 

[UnitynLove]

I like all of us have my difficulties in this life, however I have a question, a friend 35 years, he has been my friend, he is depressed, doctor is aware, he is on leave from work. at its worst he looks at the ceiling in silence or answer questions with few words, seems it is clinical depression -not due to any set thing, though his family life is a bit bleak, as his wife is going crazy with him under her feet all the time.

He is a Christian, but right now will not read the bible or pray.

Any thoughts ?

I am taking him to lunch in a few days time, even though he is anxious about going out, he has agreed to allow me to take him.

Well make sure you let him know that you will always be there for him and will support him through this tough time.

 

[plainandsimple]

Just to say I had lunch with my depressed friend, to be honest it was awkward as the silences were tricky, no matter, I did not take him out to give myself a good time and I can see that being there for him from time, is as good as anything.

He seems a bit odd possibly due the high strength anti depressants he has been prescribed and is taking in the correct amounts.

I suspect he is uncomfortable being out of his house, he kept checking his mobile telephone for messages from his wife, there were none, I think she was happy just to have a break from him herself, I pray that God willing, they will stay together during this bad time for them both.

I think I will try to take him out once every 2 weeks somewhere, do you think that is enough?

is there any other thing I could try?

 

[maycin]

I can only imagine how awkward it was to see your friend in that state of mind. When you know that depression can be a biochemical imbalance and it sounds like it is in your friend's case, that you can think of it like cancer, diabetes, etc. The difference, of course, is it affects the mind and emotions and therefore affects those they are closest to.

Of course this is an awful stress for their marriage, but God can handle it. There are so many people living with depression from time to time and their spouses learn to cope. There are forums for the spouses of those chronically ill. It would be important for his wife to understand what depression is. Christians and the church have ignored it for so many years, even blaming those that have experienced it.

It is hard to know the proper balance on what you can and can't do for your friend. Remember, little things count for alot. Just calling to talk about anything--even if it's for a few minutes. I have hardly ever had a friend call and ask that. He will know you care and haven't forgotten him and when he's ready to talk you will be ready to listen. Ye needs reassurance that it's not his fault, that he isn't lazy and there is no shame in this. Remember, if you don't see immediate positive results, it doesn't mean things aren't happening. Also, it might be helpful if you could from time to time see if his wife would like you to come to the house and she could be free to do anything fun (whereas she might feel guilty if no one was home with him)

It is painful to watch someone you care about hurt so much. You will need to pray for strength-- not yours, but strength from the Lord. The human thing to do is to either try to do too much (like taking on too much responsibility for him---like it's up to you and not God--and then you get burnt out or really many people cannot take seeing the pain.

It's awesome that you are doing what you are doing and that you care so much. It's a really hard situation. I know you will pray to the Lord for guidance. In Christ, Cindy

 

[miss-a]

Hi plainandsimple,

God bless you for caring about your friend and being willing to commit to seeing this through! I know you are pleasing God more than you ever will know.

I'm not sure about your question of if every 2 weeks is enough. Maybe others can guide you with that.

But I wanted to share someting that I once heard Ruth Graham, Billy's daughter, say. She said when you see someone who you know is down, try to avoid the question, "How are you?" Instead say, "It's good to see you." or "I'm glad you wanted go for a walk with me today. I appreciate the company." I don't think she meant to never check in about a person's wellbeing, just not to ask every time. I bring it up because during my depression I tend to dread that question in social situations. I don't want to tell people the truth and I don't want to lie. Your presence will let him know you care about how he is. So many of us here have had folks walk away because depression isn't pretty. You are being a true friend and man after God's own heart but looking into the face of this thing. As others have said, even if he can't tell you now, it is meaningful beyond words to him.

I will definitely pray for him and his marriage.
Blessings, A