- Nov 10, 2005
- 353
- 22
- 45
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Single
I battled bipolar disorder for eight years. I never gave up. I always knew Jesus would somehow rescue me. I knew Jesus would keep His promises. If I knew then what I know now it would have been a lot quicker and easier.
I was enslaved to patterns of intentional sin, which I justified by current social attitudes toward sin. I had an opportunity to break free, but Satan sent one of his messengers to actually encourage me to keep sinning. I trusted this person, and I really wanted to keep sinning, so I did. All the time I knew it was wrong. I couldn't figure it out. The Bible didn't even mention this sin. So, I guess I thought it wasn't really a sin. But, guilt was a better teacher than my own reason, and eventually the truth was revealed to me.
The Bible talks about this sin all over. You can't be entrenched in slavery to it if you wish understanding. Current attitudes toward women, the abundance of pornography, easy to get sex, and loose women fed me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find someone beautiful enough for me. I tried for years. Every time there was some defect I just couldn't live with. I even thought that about my own wife. I kept pornography around even after I got married. I was filled with lust. The lust dulled my mind to truth. I was in a dark pit, being fed nothing but lies, and I thought everything was ok.
When I realized what was going on I was very surprised. Every time I would lust, there was no real love. I looked at pursuit and fulfillment of gratification of the flesh as love. After a while I couldn't feel love at all. Nothing made me happy, but lust made things seem ok for a few hours. The rest of the time I lived in fear. I was always afraid of something. There was always something to fear. My fears would change, but there was always some central fear consuming my attention. Gratification of lust causes a delayed fear reaction. When people associate two things, one as cause, and the other as effect; there is about a ten minute time limit, past which they can't make the association. This is the nature of sin.
There is no consequence to sin so immediate that it is actually traceable to the sin. Sin simply ruins your life, but before you know it you are one sick puppy. Lust makes a person sick. It made me sick. I knew it was making me sick. I couldn't stop. Every time I would confess my sin, and ask Jesus to forgive me. Then, I started adding to my prayer that this sin was too hard for me alone. Only grace from God would enable me to break free. I was totally enslaved and deceived. What I didn't realize was every time the beauty I embraced was emptiness, and there was no one else there with me, it opened a door to demons. I was being made love to by demons. They were sowing their seeds in me. That is what was making me sick. I was so full of demon spawn there was no way God could ever get to me, unless I cooperated.
I began to eagerly seek God. I gave up all my other sin. I would tell God I can't help myself. I would confess my sin, time and time again, asking for mercy, and admitting I did have the will to stop. I told God I needed His Grace or it would be impossible for me to stop. Even the threat of eternity in hell was not enough to stop me. That is because hell didn't seem so bad. I was in hell. What was a little more hell. I couldn't experience love at all. I was totally disconnected from people. I was like an actor on a stage, reciting rehearsed lines in an attempt to imitate a real person. I learned how to behave, not because appropriate behavior brought me any good feelings, but because I had needs I wanted other people to fulfill. I learned to be very charming, but eventually that failed me, too. I got sloppy, and desperate. People could see it written all over me, "This Guy Is Not Sincere".
I didn't know what I needed, but I thought I did. I tried everything to to quell my fears. Nothing worked. I became increasingly paranoid. The only time I would get any relief was when I lusted. Then my mind was somewhere else, on my love object. But, my love object was the bitterness of beauty which is empty, and robs me of what little beauty I have left. I became an ugly person. People hated me. Everyone tried to get away from me. The rest tried to hurt me. I was going down. No one wanted me. I had nothing to give but my pain, fear, and ignorance. I was in the darkness. Satan was dangling his wares in front of me, coaxing me further into deceit.
In desperation for my life, fearing the sword on every side, I realized I was the accursed. I was the accursed progeny of a brood of vipers. I bore the markings of sin long passed. I bore the weight of the sins of my ancestors. Within my nervous system was the defect of evil. Now it was threatening to execute me, with the sentence to be carried out by my own hand.
Then I thought to myself, how did Satan get authority to imprison me within a bars of deceit? Satan does not have authority to do that, unless someone gives it to him. So who gave Satan rights to me? The answer came. It was my ancestors.
God says,
Exodus Chapter 20:
2 I am Yahweh your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 You shall have no other gods before me.
4 ¶You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5 you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me,
6 and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. **
The Word of the Lord
I needed deliverance from my curses before I could even attempt to get free. I invited two missionaries, Paul and Mary (please pray for them) over to my house. They said a prayer of deliverance over me, and my curses were gone. I felt better. I didn't have bipolar disorder anymore. I could feel love. I could forgive. I could receive God's forgiveness. My fears were gone. I was connected to people. People stopped abusing me. Everything started going right. Every time I wished for something, the wish came true. Now, all my dreams have come true. I'm so happy. My ingrained evil is going away. God lives in me now. He is my Master. God is a good Master. Satan is an evil master. You have to serve one or the other, so it might as well be God.
I was enslaved to patterns of intentional sin, which I justified by current social attitudes toward sin. I had an opportunity to break free, but Satan sent one of his messengers to actually encourage me to keep sinning. I trusted this person, and I really wanted to keep sinning, so I did. All the time I knew it was wrong. I couldn't figure it out. The Bible didn't even mention this sin. So, I guess I thought it wasn't really a sin. But, guilt was a better teacher than my own reason, and eventually the truth was revealed to me.
The Bible talks about this sin all over. You can't be entrenched in slavery to it if you wish understanding. Current attitudes toward women, the abundance of pornography, easy to get sex, and loose women fed me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find someone beautiful enough for me. I tried for years. Every time there was some defect I just couldn't live with. I even thought that about my own wife. I kept pornography around even after I got married. I was filled with lust. The lust dulled my mind to truth. I was in a dark pit, being fed nothing but lies, and I thought everything was ok.
When I realized what was going on I was very surprised. Every time I would lust, there was no real love. I looked at pursuit and fulfillment of gratification of the flesh as love. After a while I couldn't feel love at all. Nothing made me happy, but lust made things seem ok for a few hours. The rest of the time I lived in fear. I was always afraid of something. There was always something to fear. My fears would change, but there was always some central fear consuming my attention. Gratification of lust causes a delayed fear reaction. When people associate two things, one as cause, and the other as effect; there is about a ten minute time limit, past which they can't make the association. This is the nature of sin.
There is no consequence to sin so immediate that it is actually traceable to the sin. Sin simply ruins your life, but before you know it you are one sick puppy. Lust makes a person sick. It made me sick. I knew it was making me sick. I couldn't stop. Every time I would confess my sin, and ask Jesus to forgive me. Then, I started adding to my prayer that this sin was too hard for me alone. Only grace from God would enable me to break free. I was totally enslaved and deceived. What I didn't realize was every time the beauty I embraced was emptiness, and there was no one else there with me, it opened a door to demons. I was being made love to by demons. They were sowing their seeds in me. That is what was making me sick. I was so full of demon spawn there was no way God could ever get to me, unless I cooperated.
I began to eagerly seek God. I gave up all my other sin. I would tell God I can't help myself. I would confess my sin, time and time again, asking for mercy, and admitting I did have the will to stop. I told God I needed His Grace or it would be impossible for me to stop. Even the threat of eternity in hell was not enough to stop me. That is because hell didn't seem so bad. I was in hell. What was a little more hell. I couldn't experience love at all. I was totally disconnected from people. I was like an actor on a stage, reciting rehearsed lines in an attempt to imitate a real person. I learned how to behave, not because appropriate behavior brought me any good feelings, but because I had needs I wanted other people to fulfill. I learned to be very charming, but eventually that failed me, too. I got sloppy, and desperate. People could see it written all over me, "This Guy Is Not Sincere".
I didn't know what I needed, but I thought I did. I tried everything to to quell my fears. Nothing worked. I became increasingly paranoid. The only time I would get any relief was when I lusted. Then my mind was somewhere else, on my love object. But, my love object was the bitterness of beauty which is empty, and robs me of what little beauty I have left. I became an ugly person. People hated me. Everyone tried to get away from me. The rest tried to hurt me. I was going down. No one wanted me. I had nothing to give but my pain, fear, and ignorance. I was in the darkness. Satan was dangling his wares in front of me, coaxing me further into deceit.
In desperation for my life, fearing the sword on every side, I realized I was the accursed. I was the accursed progeny of a brood of vipers. I bore the markings of sin long passed. I bore the weight of the sins of my ancestors. Within my nervous system was the defect of evil. Now it was threatening to execute me, with the sentence to be carried out by my own hand.
Then I thought to myself, how did Satan get authority to imprison me within a bars of deceit? Satan does not have authority to do that, unless someone gives it to him. So who gave Satan rights to me? The answer came. It was my ancestors.
God says,
Exodus Chapter 20:
2 I am Yahweh your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
3 You shall have no other gods before me.
4 ¶You shall not make for yourselves an idol, nor any image of anything that is in the heavens above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5 you shall not bow yourself down to them, nor serve them, for I, Yahweh your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and on the fourth generation of those who hate me,
6 and showing loving kindness to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. **
The Word of the Lord
I needed deliverance from my curses before I could even attempt to get free. I invited two missionaries, Paul and Mary (please pray for them) over to my house. They said a prayer of deliverance over me, and my curses were gone. I felt better. I didn't have bipolar disorder anymore. I could feel love. I could forgive. I could receive God's forgiveness. My fears were gone. I was connected to people. People stopped abusing me. Everything started going right. Every time I wished for something, the wish came true. Now, all my dreams have come true. I'm so happy. My ingrained evil is going away. God lives in me now. He is my Master. God is a good Master. Satan is an evil master. You have to serve one or the other, so it might as well be God.
