It is time I wrote out my testimony.. its time I looked back over the walk that my God has taken me.. its time I saw the reasons for a lot of the things in my life... its time to thank my God and give glory to HIM for ALL that He is and ALL that He has done.
Its just time.
I was born in England and as a 4 year old I travelled with my brother and parents and paternal grandparents to New Zealand by ship. There were a couple of incidents that happened on that ship that were to have an impact on my life for all my childhood and most of my adult life..... the result being fear.
We went to stay with an aunt in a city in N.Z. when we got here until mom and dad found a job and somewhere to live, I remember feeling lost in this strange country and city, and then one day after about a week of arriving my mom and dad had to go out to do some buisness and could not take me.... I cried because I had not wanted them to leave me. as soon as mom and dad left I was locked in a front bedroom and I was terrified, the door was locked I could not get out and no amount of sobbing would change my aunts mind. So I did the only thing I could I climbed out the window and in the process of doing that ripped the net curtains for which I got into big trouble. that experience resulted in being fear.
My relationship with my brother was always a difficult one, I so wanted us to be close to be brother and sister, but no amount of trying would change how he felt about me, he was always angry with me, and I walked on egg shells trying to win his approval and to be accepted by him..... Everything I did for him he was angry at....the result being fear.
My dad was always sick and in so much pain and his temper was very short and he was often angry.... I saw him many times writhing on the floor in agony and sometimes woke in the morning to find that he was in the hospital, I thought he would die... the result being fear.
One day when I was 6 I got sick and the doctor found I had a heart murmer and I was sent to the hospital and I was so sure that I would not get better and I would have to stay forever, I was in there for 6 months, although I somehow felt safe in there, there was also the result of feeling fear.
As I grew I also had many hurts that happened and I took each of them and stored them away and let them start to control and take over my life....each one would bind me up that much tighter and hurt that much more, I learned to accept and feed off those hurts..... I knew that that we all got what we deserved in life, or so I thought. these had the result of being fear.
I always had a desire to know God and a grandmother that nutured that desire, she loved her God and she instilled in me a desire to want to know Him as well. I took myself to Sunday school as a child and to church occassionally as a young teen.
I started working at 15 and left God behind as I did the partying thing and the social scene, I never did the drug thing but I was still far away from my God. I had moments of knowing that I was not pleasing Him, but still chose the partying over Him. When I was 19 I met my husband and married him 10 mths later I was still 19.
Three years after we married our first child, a son, was born and when he was 6mths old we moved from the town we were both raised in and went to a city a couple of hours drive away, I was also pregnant again and when our first child was 11mths old our daughter was born. She was 3 mths old and she took very sick.....she was in the hospital for 2 mths and we thought we would lose her....all the fears of the past came rushing in the result being even more fear.
She recovered and a couple of years later I was pregnant with my 3rd child, when I was 30 weeks pregnant I went into premature labour, which they were able to stop, but I had to stay there in bed for 2 mths and then 4 weeks from full term .... through a mistake of man.... my baby died.
They would not let me see her..hold her...they even had her buried before I could be there, I was told to forget I had been pregnant. Then just before I left the hospital a lady came to see me, I didnt know her she was a hospital visitor and she said words to me that had such an effect on me...she said to me.."What a shame your baby did not live long enough to be baptised.... now she wont go to Heaven!"
Now I really knew what fear was.
I went on a search then for God and why He would do this to an innocent baby, she never did wrong it was me that was wrong, why send her to hell for my sins?
I found my God and I found forgivness and I found out that He had taken my Joanne to be with Him in Heaven, so started then, a walk with Him that was ongoing but also up and down and hot and cold.
A few mths later John was saved and we went to church and we raised our family.
In the next few years I was to suffer illness and to have family suffer many illness and I felt all those fears surface again.
One day about 5 years ago my husband took a cardiac arrest at home after a major heart attack, I learned to do a crash course in CPR and to pray so hard and in faith...I called out to God and I believed in faith that HE would heal him even though the doctors said he would not survive...he was on life support for 4 days. but God did give him back to me.
Things were going well for a while after that and then one day I was driving into work and I took very sick...the result being I spent the next year in and out of the hospital, I suffered a lot of pain, and I despaired that I would ever get well. One day I decided I could not live like this any more I could not stand any more pain and the thought of living like this for the rest of my life was to hard to bear. So I saved up meds and I waited until no one was at home and I went to my room to finish all this pain.
I was so angry at God He gave me no choice..... I couldnt live like this and I knew it was wrong what I was going to do, then I started sobbing and I found myself at the phone and ringing a medical clinic for help....not to God but to a worldly medical person.... the lady was nice and she did teach me skills to deal with pain and to distract myself, but it was not the answer .... one day I found myself online and at a site called christianity.com....there I found lots of good Christian friends, and God lead me to the people that were to help me.
One day when I had come to a place in my life where I knew that I had to make some real big choices, I was not going anywhere and I knew that I could not carry on like this anymore, I either got really serious with God or I gave up,,,, I so wanted Him but I just could never get any closer to HIM.
I was full of hurt.....anger....fear....and unforgivness,
Then out of the blue God sent a dear friend to talk to me and help me, so far away in miles but distance is no problem to God....... we spent many weeks my friend, me and God, Teaching and learning about forgivness, learning about HIS love and also dealing with the continual thread through my life fear. Fear had controlled me and dominated my life.
My God forgave me...HE healed me of those hurts and woundings...HE loved me....HE set me free, and filled my life with so much joy. He taught me to dance to sing to laugh to love to forgive......to live for Him.
He is faithful, He loves me unconditionally, I will trust Him with my life no matter what. I still suffer pain and illness but I am more than healed.....I am whole again, and each day I exchange a little more of the flesh for more of the spiritual, and when the time comes I will be ready to take His hand and go to be with him for eternity.
Nothing and no one can come before my God ever again.
Would I change anything of the pain of my life, or the things I have been through for what HE has given me and taught me through it all?? NOT ONE THING! I walk now not by my feelings but by what my God says in His Word.
I thank Him and I praise Him and I love Him with all my being.
2 Cor 5:7 ... For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Habakkuk 3:18 .... Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
In His Love
Les
Its just time.
I was born in England and as a 4 year old I travelled with my brother and parents and paternal grandparents to New Zealand by ship. There were a couple of incidents that happened on that ship that were to have an impact on my life for all my childhood and most of my adult life..... the result being fear.
We went to stay with an aunt in a city in N.Z. when we got here until mom and dad found a job and somewhere to live, I remember feeling lost in this strange country and city, and then one day after about a week of arriving my mom and dad had to go out to do some buisness and could not take me.... I cried because I had not wanted them to leave me. as soon as mom and dad left I was locked in a front bedroom and I was terrified, the door was locked I could not get out and no amount of sobbing would change my aunts mind. So I did the only thing I could I climbed out the window and in the process of doing that ripped the net curtains for which I got into big trouble. that experience resulted in being fear.
My relationship with my brother was always a difficult one, I so wanted us to be close to be brother and sister, but no amount of trying would change how he felt about me, he was always angry with me, and I walked on egg shells trying to win his approval and to be accepted by him..... Everything I did for him he was angry at....the result being fear.
My dad was always sick and in so much pain and his temper was very short and he was often angry.... I saw him many times writhing on the floor in agony and sometimes woke in the morning to find that he was in the hospital, I thought he would die... the result being fear.
One day when I was 6 I got sick and the doctor found I had a heart murmer and I was sent to the hospital and I was so sure that I would not get better and I would have to stay forever, I was in there for 6 months, although I somehow felt safe in there, there was also the result of feeling fear.
As I grew I also had many hurts that happened and I took each of them and stored them away and let them start to control and take over my life....each one would bind me up that much tighter and hurt that much more, I learned to accept and feed off those hurts..... I knew that that we all got what we deserved in life, or so I thought. these had the result of being fear.
I always had a desire to know God and a grandmother that nutured that desire, she loved her God and she instilled in me a desire to want to know Him as well. I took myself to Sunday school as a child and to church occassionally as a young teen.
I started working at 15 and left God behind as I did the partying thing and the social scene, I never did the drug thing but I was still far away from my God. I had moments of knowing that I was not pleasing Him, but still chose the partying over Him. When I was 19 I met my husband and married him 10 mths later I was still 19.
Three years after we married our first child, a son, was born and when he was 6mths old we moved from the town we were both raised in and went to a city a couple of hours drive away, I was also pregnant again and when our first child was 11mths old our daughter was born. She was 3 mths old and she took very sick.....she was in the hospital for 2 mths and we thought we would lose her....all the fears of the past came rushing in the result being even more fear.
She recovered and a couple of years later I was pregnant with my 3rd child, when I was 30 weeks pregnant I went into premature labour, which they were able to stop, but I had to stay there in bed for 2 mths and then 4 weeks from full term .... through a mistake of man.... my baby died.
They would not let me see her..hold her...they even had her buried before I could be there, I was told to forget I had been pregnant. Then just before I left the hospital a lady came to see me, I didnt know her she was a hospital visitor and she said words to me that had such an effect on me...she said to me.."What a shame your baby did not live long enough to be baptised.... now she wont go to Heaven!"
Now I really knew what fear was.
I went on a search then for God and why He would do this to an innocent baby, she never did wrong it was me that was wrong, why send her to hell for my sins?
I found my God and I found forgivness and I found out that He had taken my Joanne to be with Him in Heaven, so started then, a walk with Him that was ongoing but also up and down and hot and cold.
A few mths later John was saved and we went to church and we raised our family.
In the next few years I was to suffer illness and to have family suffer many illness and I felt all those fears surface again.
One day about 5 years ago my husband took a cardiac arrest at home after a major heart attack, I learned to do a crash course in CPR and to pray so hard and in faith...I called out to God and I believed in faith that HE would heal him even though the doctors said he would not survive...he was on life support for 4 days. but God did give him back to me.
Things were going well for a while after that and then one day I was driving into work and I took very sick...the result being I spent the next year in and out of the hospital, I suffered a lot of pain, and I despaired that I would ever get well. One day I decided I could not live like this any more I could not stand any more pain and the thought of living like this for the rest of my life was to hard to bear. So I saved up meds and I waited until no one was at home and I went to my room to finish all this pain.
I was so angry at God He gave me no choice..... I couldnt live like this and I knew it was wrong what I was going to do, then I started sobbing and I found myself at the phone and ringing a medical clinic for help....not to God but to a worldly medical person.... the lady was nice and she did teach me skills to deal with pain and to distract myself, but it was not the answer .... one day I found myself online and at a site called christianity.com....there I found lots of good Christian friends, and God lead me to the people that were to help me.
One day when I had come to a place in my life where I knew that I had to make some real big choices, I was not going anywhere and I knew that I could not carry on like this anymore, I either got really serious with God or I gave up,,,, I so wanted Him but I just could never get any closer to HIM.
I was full of hurt.....anger....fear....and unforgivness,
Then out of the blue God sent a dear friend to talk to me and help me, so far away in miles but distance is no problem to God....... we spent many weeks my friend, me and God, Teaching and learning about forgivness, learning about HIS love and also dealing with the continual thread through my life fear. Fear had controlled me and dominated my life.
My God forgave me...HE healed me of those hurts and woundings...HE loved me....HE set me free, and filled my life with so much joy. He taught me to dance to sing to laugh to love to forgive......to live for Him.
He is faithful, He loves me unconditionally, I will trust Him with my life no matter what. I still suffer pain and illness but I am more than healed.....I am whole again, and each day I exchange a little more of the flesh for more of the spiritual, and when the time comes I will be ready to take His hand and go to be with him for eternity.
Nothing and no one can come before my God ever again.
Would I change anything of the pain of my life, or the things I have been through for what HE has given me and taught me through it all?? NOT ONE THING! I walk now not by my feelings but by what my God says in His Word.
I thank Him and I praise Him and I love Him with all my being.
2 Cor 5:7 ... For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Habakkuk 3:18 .... Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
In His Love
Les