fr

[pantingdeer]

I don’t want to be over dramatic but tbh 5 years ago my life changed forever.
I was 16 and went on a camping trip and met a girl I liked. I came home from the camping trip
and after a few days I never felt the same again. My mind had changed and didn’t get aroused by women anymore.
I initially thought, this is a bit strange but googled some things and thought it was just a phase. But my feelings never returned. Nowadays I can only recognise when I see a girl that I know was my “type” but I struggle to feel anything deeper than that and I never really get the butterflies in my stomach (is this idiomatic phrase?) anymore - I just feel empty and dead inside.
As a teenager this destroyed me as I thought I could be turning gay or something. This caused me great anxiety and HOCD developed. I was very afraid of people thinking I was gay and also was concerned by my lack of interaction with women.
I stopped being attracted to women 5 year ago and now my life is bad ever since. I get sad every time I appreciate a good looking person who isn't a woman my age. I don't think I'm gay but I have fear of it because others may think I am.

This went on and on and I think I may have become a bit depressed as nothing seems to spark an interest in me anymore. I lost my interests in cooking and other things like my subject I study now at university. I've no friends or people who care about me and no girl like me.

I would prefer to like women my own age but God does not grant this wish of mine even though I ask him for 5 yrs. The only girl that is nice to me is my 14yr old cousin from Spain. She is a cute little thing with funny accent. I don’t know why she likes me since nobody else does. Whenever I visit them they always like to be with me.
My cousin is kind and endearing but I need friends my own age as I have none.

Maybe I should emigrate to Spain. Maybe people would like me there and maybe my feelings would return.

Thanks for reading my message

 

[Unsavable]

Hi Andrew,

Honestly this is a tough one. I think there is a lot more going on here than your words reveal. I would recommend some counseling to talk these issues through with an objective 3rd party and hopefully reveal some of your underlying issues.

I will take an amateur stab at a few thoughts. I am deeply messed up myself and in no way an expert in the psychological field so take these comments with a grain of salt.

I think it is possible that your problem starts with low self esteem and a need for acceptance. I think this is a low level but powerful driver in the psyche of all males. Men have a deep seated need to be accepted by females. Without this men feel like they are simply not good enough. This can negatively affect everything else because it affects how you see your self and how you think other people see you.

I tend to believe if a girl showed some real interest in you things would start to change for you. The problem is girls are people in their own right and you can't "make" them take an interest in you.

However there is hope. Girls can be difficult for guys to understand because they tend to see things from a very different perspective with their own array of drivers and motivations. Girls tend to be attracted to guys who are confident and self assured. In this way low self esteem is self defeating. It makes matters worse. Girls also like other traits like guys who are strong but gentle, show an interest in them, value them, like the way they look, they way they express themselves, etc.

I may be the worst person in the world to give advice on guys picking up girls but I would recommend having an approach. Make a plan and stick to it. Test and adjust as you go along to improve your results. This may sound a little clinical for a subject like romance but the truth is that God in his infinite wisdom, and beyond my ability to understand, made men weak in the face of women. Guys go all stupid and goofy and do every wrong thing when talking to girls. Having a plan will help you stay on coarse on not do anything too stupid.

You will have to make your own plan but here is a start.

1. Ask her lots of questions, show a sincere interest in her, her interests, her life.
2. Let her do most of the talking. You can talk about yourself but keep it brief and to the point.
3. Acknowledge something that you like about her !!!but don't over do it!!!
...a. You have a pretty smile
...b. That outfit looks nice on you
...c. You are so smart, talented, insightful...etc
...d. I like the sound of your voice

Girls are usually pretty good at letting guys know when they are interested. If she bails, let her. She's not the one. If she shows an interest, try a gentle test: "I like you, can we talk more tomorrow?" You will find out pretty quickly if there will be a stage 2.

Hope this helps at least a little.

I pray, in the name of Jesus, that God helps you and guides you. God is a mystery. So many times in life I have found that He laid the path before my feet. I didn't realize it until I looked back and said "WOW!" He has blessed me many times and in many ways and I am one of the most broken and damaged people ever so I am sure He will be there for you as well.

 

[pantingdeer]

Hi Andrew,

Honestly this is a tough one. I think there is a lot more going on here than your words reveal. I would recommend some counseling to talk these issues through with an objective 3rd party and hopefully reveal some of your underlying issues.

I will take an amateur stab at a few thoughts. I am deeply messed up myself and in no way an expert in the psychological field so take these comments with a grain of salt.

I think it is possible that your problem starts with low self esteem and a need for acceptance. I think this is a low level but powerful driver in the psyche of all males. Men have a deep seated need to be accepted by females. Without this men feel like they are simply not good enough. This can negatively affect everything else because it affects how you see your self and how you think other people see you.

I tend to believe if a girl showed some real interest in you things would start to change for you. The problem is girls are people in their own right and you can't "make" them take an interest in you.

However there is hope. Girls can be difficult for guys to understand because they tend to see things from a very different perspective with their own array of drivers and motivations. Girls tend to be attracted to guys who are confident and self assured. In this way low self esteem is self defeating. It makes matters worse. Girls also like other traits like guys who are strong but gentle, show an interest in them, value them, like the way they look, they way they express themselves, etc.

I may be the worst person in the world to give advice on guys picking up girls but I would recommend having an approach. Make a plan and stick to it. Test and adjust as you go along to improve your results. This may sound a little clinical for a subject like romance but the truth is that God in his infinite wisdom, and beyond my ability to understand, made men weak in the face of women. Guys go all stupid and goofy and do every wrong thing when talking to girls. Having a plan will help you stay on coarse on not do anything too stupid.

You will have to make your own plan but here is a start.

1. Ask her lots of questions, show a sincere interest in her, her interests, her life.
2. Let her do most of the talking. You can talk about yourself but keep it brief and to the point.
3. Acknowledge something that you like about her !!!but don't over do it!!!
...a. You have a pretty smile
...b. That outfit looks nice on you
...c. You are so smart, talented, insightful...etc
...d. I like the sound of your voice

Girls are usually pretty good at letting guys know when they are interested. If she bails, let her. She's not the one. If she shows an interest, try a gentle test: "I like you, can we talk more tomorrow?" You will find out pretty quickly if there will be a stage 2.

Hope this helps at least a little.

I pray, in the name of Jesus, that God helps you and guides you. God is a mystery. So many times in life I have found that He laid the path before my feet. I didn't realize it until I looked back and said "WOW!" He has blessed me many times and in many ways and I am one of the most broken and damaged people ever so I am sure He will be there for you as well.

Thank you very much for writing to me. One thing is I could never ever think of being with woman or say any of those nice things to her because I wouldn’t mean it.
If I tried to play this dating game as I am right now then I couldn’t live with myself as I’d feel like I was living a lie.
I can’t be with women or feel connection with them.

 

[Flyinflame14yyt]

I'm currentally struggling with HOCD after a boy joked he had a crush on me and I simply remarked "Sorry. I like women." And I do. The only crushes I've ever had were women. I don't know what to do because this OCD is killing me and I hate gay stuff.