Hello,
I would like to offer up praise to the Lord for overcoming my anger, grief, and overall nastiness toward Him following the death of my dad last year.
My dad was the epitome of a humble man living the Gospel of Jesus, and he died a most awful death last year. I have been a Christian all of my life, and I have counciled friends through dark times like this in their own lives, but none of it meant anything to me. I was furious with God -- and I let Him know about it often. I felt like a hole had been kicked right through my chest, and I grieved and raged often. This will sound sick, but at some point I even started to like it. That kind of grief can become seductive, almost addictive. My heart was stone and my soul was black. I eventually started going months without praying, and I did not go to church for almost a year.
The only positive thing that I can say about myself is that I never totally turned away from God. Out of respect for my dad, I kept just a thread of myself open to the Lord, not more than an atom of my soul.
God never let me alone. I married my wife because I saw God in her the first time we met, and she simply radiated Him through my darkest hours. She knew exactly where I was but never judged me or gave up on me. Somehow I think I could feel God coming through her, and I turned back to Him just a little. I began to feel the rage thaw a little a month or so ago. I started going to church again. I started praying again. Tonight I opened my Bible for the first time in months, and the words just poured through me. I feel like I've just come home, out of the shadows back into the light. And it feels so good.
I am an ornery, stubborn, sorry excuse for a Christian, and the Lord melted my heart like butter the first chance I gave Him. Praise the Lord! Hopefully this year I can finally appreciate Easter and know it for the glorious gift that it is.
Thanks for reading this, and God bless.
w.
I would like to offer up praise to the Lord for overcoming my anger, grief, and overall nastiness toward Him following the death of my dad last year.
My dad was the epitome of a humble man living the Gospel of Jesus, and he died a most awful death last year. I have been a Christian all of my life, and I have counciled friends through dark times like this in their own lives, but none of it meant anything to me. I was furious with God -- and I let Him know about it often. I felt like a hole had been kicked right through my chest, and I grieved and raged often. This will sound sick, but at some point I even started to like it. That kind of grief can become seductive, almost addictive. My heart was stone and my soul was black. I eventually started going months without praying, and I did not go to church for almost a year.
The only positive thing that I can say about myself is that I never totally turned away from God. Out of respect for my dad, I kept just a thread of myself open to the Lord, not more than an atom of my soul.
God never let me alone. I married my wife because I saw God in her the first time we met, and she simply radiated Him through my darkest hours. She knew exactly where I was but never judged me or gave up on me. Somehow I think I could feel God coming through her, and I turned back to Him just a little. I began to feel the rage thaw a little a month or so ago. I started going to church again. I started praying again. Tonight I opened my Bible for the first time in months, and the words just poured through me. I feel like I've just come home, out of the shadows back into the light. And it feels so good.
I am an ornery, stubborn, sorry excuse for a Christian, and the Lord melted my heart like butter the first chance I gave Him. Praise the Lord! Hopefully this year I can finally appreciate Easter and know it for the glorious gift that it is.
Thanks for reading this, and God bless.
w.
