Forgiving a Parent?

[theonelight]

Thank you so much seeingeyes for your kind and thoughtful words.

I am led to realize that abuse can take many forms: physical and sexual abuse are the most widely condemned and obvious, but abuse can take a much more subtle form, and can be just as damaging since it is far more difficult to detect. Most people would not even categorize it as abuse, perhaps just dismissing it as eccentricity, or even as paranoia on the part of the observer.

I am not quite sure what happened to my mother. At some point she developed a pronounced sadistic streak: full of venom and seemingly borderline deranged in her comments and actions.

I tend to suspect this is associated with aging, although I'd be hard pressed to identify a specific disorder.

Reflecting on my interactions with her, I feel as if I don't know her anymore. She is a different person.

It saddens me somewhat, but I also feel freer: I don't have to tolerate the unacceptable behavior of a person who no longer respects or understands decorum and decency.

It does bother me that she has such a high standing in the church and that she can fool so many people so easily. But that is not my issue any more.

Thank you again, and as I write this, I feel a sensation of calm as the pressure has been lifted.

 

[Gadarene]

Very glad to hear it

 

[theonelight]

I release my anger and resentment to the universe. I focus on my peace and development and growth and happiness.

I am happier today than I have been in a long while.

 

[seeingeyes]

I release my anger and resentment to the universe. I focus on my peace and development and growth and happiness.

I am happier today than I have been in a long while.

Amen.

 

[dgiharris]

Wow, all I can say is I'm sorry your mother is evil.

I do not say that lightly. Satan has taken root in her heart and I hope that your situation is such that you can physically separate yourself from her, preferably move away.

But if that isn't possible, I would simply have nothing to do with her. I know that is an easy thing to say over the internet, but it's the truth.

There is a word for people like your mother who have the ability to put on the nice face for her church and yet are toxic when dealing with their own family...

Sociopath.

I mean that in the technical sense of the word and not in the name calling sense. I suspect that your mother is a sociopath.

Not all sociopaths are murderers and serial killers, there are milder forms of it and I would think your mother probably falls into one of the milder categories, but is a sociopath all the same.

Anyways, sorry you have to go through that... and I hope you find away to just stay away from her. Move, change your number, and never speak to her again...

 

[theonelight]

I was going to post something but the formatting has gone completely haywire.

 

[seeingeyes]

Have you completely stopped contact with your mother? Or do you limit your contact to when "church people" are around and she has to behave herself?

 

[theonelight]

Wow, all I can say is I'm sorry your mother is evil.

I do not say that lightly. Satan has taken root in her heart and I hope that your situation is such that you can physically separate yourself from her, preferably move away.

But if that isn't possible, I would simply have nothing to do with her. I know that is an easy thing to say over the internet, but it's the truth.

There is a word for people like your mother who have the ability to put on the nice face for her church and yet are toxic when dealing with their own family...

Sociopath.

I mean that in the technical sense of the word and not in the name calling sense. I suspect that your mother is a sociopath.

Not all sociopaths are murderers and serial killers, there are milder forms of it and I would think your mother probably falls into one of the milder categories, but is a sociopath all the same.

Anyways, sorry you have to go through that... and I hope you find away to just stay away from her. Move, change your number, and never speak to her again...

I have taken to watching a lot of crime dramas on tv. And this is despite my better judgement since I am well aware that these tv shows and media in general is brainwashing. Nonetheless, some of the documentary style programming, while highly sensationalized, and of course extraordinarily biased in many instances, is still often quite interesting. Several of the cases involve one spouse killing the other. Usually, it's the husband killing off the wife due to a pending divorce that might wipe him out financially, or in order to claim on a life insurance policy. Other times, it's the wife trying to get out of a loveless marriage. One story in particular caught my attention. It involved a rich man convicted of killing his wife. His conviction was thrown out, but he was being re-tried. He claimed innocence, and his children with his now dead wife believe him. If he is in fact guilty, there are 2 interesting things going on: 1. he is using his children as part of his defense strategy to manipulate potential jurors 2. he is cold enough to harm his children by putting them in the media spotlight unnecessarily--to answer questions about their dead mother to add insult to injury 3. his children want to believe he is innocent because their father is very wealthy and shares his wealth with his children The point being, it is very difficult to condemn one's parents, for a variety of financial as well as emotional reasons. I do not understand my mother's sadistic mind fully. I don't think I want to. I don't think there is any possible explanation aside from stating the obvious: she is sadistic. She wants to see herself as the victim: that she was exploited as a servant to my father and to our family in general, and that his death rescued her from further servitude, and that the house is both reward and revenge for having outlived him. She thinks it's rather funny. She has made numerous inappropriate and twisted remarks to this effect over the years to myself and other family members. What can you do. A mind twisted is a mind twisted. Never mind that she CHOSE to get married and agreed voluntarily. In her mind, she was a slave and somehow forced into all of this when in actuality it was her decision. Marriage was a burden to her and my father's death was a release from her burden. A sick mindset to have. Especially when she chose this life voluntarily but somehow manages to blame it all on my father.

 

[Tzav]

theonelight, your mother and mine could have been one woman in many ways. Both treated family with contempt and have managed to be very acceptable Christians in the church. Few saw through Mother, but some did. There was something in her eyes that spoke to those who understood abuse.

First, I want to point out something to you. Did you note that those responding to you here believe you? Sometimes, that can be the hardest thing, because such persons as your mother and mine can fool so many. You Are Believed. Therefore, people will pray for you.

theonelight, bringing her grandchildren will not likely change her. I saw the day come when I saw "that look" in her eyes, when she didn't know I saw her. She was looking at my daughter, and I saw it -- the same one she had before she attacked me when I was little. My daughter said she thought Mother was joking. I knew better. I packed up our stuff, and we left two days early. From then on, I was fully prepared to leave in a moment's notice when visiting them. We lived a third state away.

I finally made the decision to move back home to California, and my parents moved to Mississippi. One day, my son opened a letter from her and started crying. She had written To My Little Son evil things against his sister. At that point, they were starting to understand Grandma. I asked permission to open their mail from her and read the readable parts to them. They gave me that permission.

I am sorry, but there is a good possibility she will never change. I am sitting here praying that she does, but she may not. Father was killed by an accident, and the accident left Mother needing 24-hour care. Because only one of us 5 siblings lived in MS, it fell upon one brother to find care for her; the rest of us lived over a thousand miles away in different places. She had been vicious to him, but he did not repay her for that. He found a nice place, and he and his wife visited her regularly. But we all received notice: if she didn't stop beating up on the lady who also lived in her room, and the nurses, we were going to have to find a different place for her. Long life had not changed her. But she went into a coma and died.

theonelight, if you have to walk away from her, in order to keep peace, I'm sorry. She has lived her life and chosen her way. Now, it's up to you to do what is necessary. You will pray for her more charitably if you don't have to deal with her shenanigans. Leave her in the L-rd's hands; He'll know what to do with her.

 

[Jade Margery]

Let her go. She treats you this way because she can. Once she realizes she can't, she either has to change or accept you aren't a part of her life. If she changes, it's for the better. If she doesn't, then all you've lost is someone who treats you poorly and wouldn't change to keep you in their life.

It's win-win.

+1

 

[quartzy]

We cannot change other people but we can change our reactions to it. You are being a long suffering daughter who fails to express to your mum how you are feeling and instead tries to understand all the different ways around it. There is no understanding to be had, you do not enjoy your mothers treatment of you and you want it to stop. If your mother does not want to change, then you have your answer there is nothing you can do to influence that but become like her and tell her all the bad feelings you have when she acts in this way. Or you can just accept that this is how she is forever. Or you can run off and avoid her forever. Personally I would chose telling her straight that shes a so and so when she shows no compassion towards you.

 

[theonelight]

I don't think I'm dwelling on it necessarily. I think that as the pain subsides, I can view the situation more clearly and with greater insight. I take a strong interest in psychology (as we all do to some degree), so people always fascinate me.

My mother will not change. She told me so many times. I have confronted her about her behavior, but it just makes her more stubborn and "dug in" so to speak.

I realize how similar she is to her sister. It took me a long time to realize that. They both see themselves as "victims" and fail to acknowledge that the problems they face now are the consequences of their own behavior and decisions and are not the result of nefarious forces out to get them.

I also realize now that MANY people have seen my mother for who she truly is. There was a major scandal involving the church where a large number of church members left. Apparently, my mom was making some outrageous demands regarding financial contributions and these members felt coerced and left.

My mom does this all the time. She'll meet some random person and start berating them for not going to church and such. She's old, so people just give her a pass now. Oh, it's the harmless church lady.

She's alienated a ton of people over the years. She uses people up, they get mad and leave. She is difficult to criticize because of her age, and because she's a widow.

She's actually quite manipulative and coercive and controlling. It's taken me a long time to realize what type of person she is. If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Once you call her on her antics, she just goes away and finds some other people to manipulate.

 

[Tzav]

I misunderstood you! I am glad that this many people see through your mother. I guess my mother was more subtle, but she would also move whenever people started seeing through her. We moved three times in my first 8.5 years then I've counted 3-4 times a year during the next 3 years, a bit fewer after this. I still think we had the same mother, just decades between.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I can relate to this as well. The only way to protect myself from endless belittling and hypercontrolling was to move to the other side of the continent and seriously limit if not cut off all contact with my family. Some of them call me "unforgiving" because of this, and they want to remind me of how Christ won't forgive us if we don't forgive others. But doesn't He require that we confess our sins and repent? We can't come to Him with an attitude of, "Hey, I didn't do anything wrong. You're making a big deal out of nothing," and expect Him to answer, "OK, I'll overlook everything. Come on in." My mother refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing but expects "forgiveness" anyway, which apparently is defined as pretending nothing bad ever happened, and sitting there with a smile on my face letting her go on treating me like a dangblamed idiot as she always has. Sadly, when many of my family members say "let it go" or "put it behind you," what they really mean is "shut up about it." Whether or not it did me any damage isn't what matters, as long as I pretend it didn't, and call that forgiving.

But that isn't what forgiving is.

All forgiveness means is, you don't seek revenge. You no longer care whether the person who hurt you ever gets punished for it. And I don't. So that means I forgive, even if I never speak to that person again. As the head deacon at our church put it, "You can and should forgive someone who has repeatedly thrown acid in your face. But that doesn't mean you have to keep going back for more acid."

 

[Tzav]

so repeatable:

. . . All forgiveness means is, you don't seek revenge. You no longer care whether the person who hurt you ever gets punished for it. And I don't. So that means I forgive, even if I never speak to that person again. As the head deacon at our church put it, "You can and should forgive someone who has repeatedly thrown acid in your face. But that doesn't mean you have to keep going back for more acid."

 

[theonelight]

Thank you all for your kind words. Please do understand that I have forgiven her and still love her, but have boundaries about contact and communication, which is that I do not feel comfortable with either. Beyond that, I am learning more and more about the human psyche. A significant percentage of the population simply feels no remorse or sense of accountability for wrong doing. My mother falls into that percentage. I was watching the most recent dateline episode, and there are eery parallels. Namely the oddly cheerful almost upbeat demeanor of my mother as my dad was dying. Also, her oddly malevolent, violent statements about his impending death while she stood over him. Statements which shook several family members. As well as the loyalty and disbelief of the children that a parent could be in fact malevolent or evil. All while hiding behind the facade of the dutiful churchgoer. But I don't see myself as a victim or her as a perpetrator. She is who she is and it is time for me to get as far away from her as possible.

 

[theonelight]

I'm very neurotic when it comes to money. I hate to say it, but a lot of it does stem from one's upbringing. My parents, esp. my mother would just go ballistic if she found out I spent any money. Even a $3.00 trip to mcdonalds would make her incensed. If she found out I spent any money at all, she would bare her fangs like a snake. My parents were extremely spendthrifty and invested most all of their personal savings in church building projects. It basically wiped out our family's personal savings leaving the family with nothing. The original church members refused to invest their personal savings, and left the church. So, mom and dad emptied their pockets and destroyed themselves financially to build a church which ironically no longer had a congregation! I often find myself feeling angry and disgusted at people with money, or at the least am very suspicious.

 

[theonelight]

The same holds true for sexuality. I'm very neurotic in this area. My mom would taunt me if I made any attempt to style my hair. I could not pursue any of the latest fashions when I was in school. It's very embarrassing to talk about this.

 

[Tzav]

I'm very neurotic when it comes to money. I hate to say it, but a lot of it does stem from one's upbringing. My parents, esp. my mother would just go ballistic if she found out I spent any money. Even a $3.00 trip to mcdonalds would make her incensed. If she found out I spent any money at all, she would bare her fangs like a snake. My parents were extremely spendthrifty and invested most all of their personal savings in church building projects. It basically wiped out our family's personal savings leaving the family with nothing. The original church members refused to invest their personal savings, and left the church. So, mom and dad emptied their pockets and destroyed themselves financially to build a church which ironically no longer had a congregation! I often find myself feeling angry and disgusted at people with money, or at the least am very suspicious.

This I understand to that point of having lived in poverty. I can't, of course, understand your own perspective.

But I have not been able to completely understand my own traumatization still brought on by money. I hope that some day, it will be resolved. Perhaps one thing I might do is is journal in an attempt to get to the bottom of this.

Mine manifests by my inability to ask for anything from anyone for almost any reason. I manage by making sure I have personal means to supply all my own needs, whether real means or artificial.

I pray we both get over our problems with this.

 

[Received]

Take it from a mental health guy: people who have abrasive behaviors *always* have underlying hurt, or at the very least misunderstanding (and I doubt it's just this with someone who is so consistently mean). When you reframe a person from how their behaviors seem to indicate who they are to the underlying primary emotions (hurt, fear, sadness, etc.) that drive these behaviors, that changes everything. And makes forgiveness a realistic possibility.