forgiveness

[robin allam]

Dear all out there,
I have a real moral problem that has haunted me for years and following discussion with people I find that all I want to do is disagree with them.Let me explain.

I was born and adopted immediately from birth. I was adopted into a very strict christian environment. My adopted family believed in rule by the rod. Subsequently every time I strayed from the path that they trod I was beaten. I adapted and rebelled against this life therefore encouraging more beatings.
As a teenager I was then abused by the senior male member of this family.I knew it was wrong but said nothing.At the age of eighteen I left home very disillusioned with christianity and life. At the time I spoke to God and asked For my senior male to ask for forgiveness.
Subsequently this male has gone on to become a pastor and has a flock of people that he leads in the christian way.
I confronted this person several times over the past twenty years and asked if he ever felt guilty about what had happened and all he will say is that he has made his peace with God.
Me I shut it out for years and built up walls. Then a year ago I was contacted to say that he was seriously ill. This had the effect of turning my life upside down. I became an alcoholic. I became a depressive. I have taken several overdoses and worse of all I hate this man.
My dilemma is that although Christian logic says that I should forgive this man to move on with my faith and my life I cannot bring myself to do it. I want him to ask me for forgiveness and I do not feel that this is too much to ask for. Counsellors advice finding a way to channel my hatred.Friends and partners with strong faith say I need to forgive this man. I cannot and know I am bringing myself down. I have strayed so far away from God as a result of this.
Why should I be made to forgive a man who has wronged me?
Why should he not be asking for my forgiveness?
Advice would be welcome
Robin

 

[tinkerbell]

Tell him how you feel. I know that sounds bad. Go to him honestly - in a way that won't make him defensive and tell him what effects his actions had on you. Pray that the Lord will help you find a way to forgive him. He may not have realized what he did. (I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.) If he is fully aware of what he did, it's not your job to make him apoligize, it's just your job to go to him, and let him know how you feel and that you deeply want to forgive him, but that you are having a hard time doing it. Spend a lot of time with God. Pray pray pray, and God will soften your heart/ God Bless.

 

[robin allam]

Dear Tinkerbell,
Thank you for your reply.
However I feel that due to this scenario I am currently unable to talk to god. I know that it is wrong of me but twenty years agao I gave God an option. I know we should never demand things from God but I feel this Is owed to me. I know this goes against all christian teachings.
By me going to this man and talking to him and telling him how I feel and what he actually did I see as letting him and God off the hook.I have committed no sin in this issue so why should I be the one to try and mend the bridge.
Am I wrong to think that this man should come to me or does God always let these people off the hook whilst punishing the sufferer.

 

[tinkerbell]

Oh, be sure to know that God doesn't let anyone "off the hook" however it is not our place to decide how and when that punishment will take place. Unfortunatly, we live in a world of sin, so even those who are faithful to God will get hurt. Take a look at Job. You know, it's funny I think everyone gives God options sometimes (I know I have), but as humans, sometimes our options are unreasonable. We sometimes forget that God gives all of us free will, so He cannot MAKE another person do something. That would not be fair ('cause then He would have that ability with you too). We cannot hold him responcible for something that someone else does or doesn't do that goes against his will. None of us are owed anything. We are all sinners, and think of the horrible things we've done to God. Yet, he sent His only son do die for us. We totally didn't deserve that. He certainly doesn't OWE us a thing. I do understand how you feel though. (He committed no sin, yet he died on the cross and mended the bridges.) I've certainly been delt some hard knocks (if you want to know more, e-mail me, cause I don't feel comfortable posting it). If He can still forgive us for all that we've done to HIm, surely He can give us the strength to forgive others. You're not wrong to think he should come to you - he certainly should, but we cannot say we will do the right thing IF the other person follows through with their end. That is a very conditional love and life. I don't know if this answers your question, but if not, feel free to e-mail or continue posting. I understand that right now you are angry at God, and you're probably questioning Him right now. I hope you do not feel that I am condeming you, 'cause I'm certainly not. This is a natural step in the grief process. (Trust me, I was in your exact spot about 5 months ago) I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Dear friend,

That is a very painful struggle. I've had a painful life, too, and I understand what it's like to have to pick up the pieces from what someone else has done. That is hard. Very, very hard. At least, it is at first.

It feels like we shouldn't have to forgive. Why? They did the damage, right? But what God has hidden in His hand, is a very precious secret that can only be fully discovered after we look at the cross. Once we have that image in view, we discover that all these painful circumstances can actually empower us if we look at them right.

What they give us is the ability, because of our own suffering, to heal a lot of people. But this in itself doesn't mean the anger is gone. Sometimes we bury it away and think it's gone when really, we've just put it aside to a place where we can't see it. But then it comes out in other ways. Like depression. Or discouragement. And then it has the power to shape who we become.

What I'm saying is, what this guy did to you leaves you with an option. If you let him, he'll steal your happiness and your joy, and your generosity, and your relationship with God...hasn't he taken enough from you?

Forgiveness may seem like simply letting someone off the hook who has done something horrible. But actually, it's allowing you to heal. And you do want that. Forgiveness is like, when we open our hearts to forgive, we allow the healing to come in. When our hearts are already filled up with hurt and anger, there's no room left for anything for us. When we empty our hearts of love, we make room for God to fill it up with His love-a better kind. So when we give that away, we get back far more than we gave. It has incredible transforming power in our lives. It gives us zeal. It gives us the kind of love that truly is unconditional. It doesn't mean we like or approve everything people do, but it makes us compassionate so we can love them with our deeds even when we are angry. It gives us the power to become something far greater than we were before-it takes into heavenly realms and gives God very, very close attention to the things we pray. And that is something all the suffering in the world cannot take away. In fact, the suffering will disappear. If we truly have forgiven, what's there to hurt us anymore? What is there to steal our peace?

But how do we forgive when we can't? Meditate on the cross. Meditate on its significance. Meditate on all the loss that cannot be calculated if we take the easy way out. Pray, even though it seems hard. It is very hard the first few times you do that. If "help" is the only word you can utter to God, then say that one word. But then, after you've done it a few times, it gets easier, and then God adds grace because He knows how hard it was. So then He'll begin to give rewards. And joy. And if we persist, it replaces the anger with joy.

Tell me how it's going, or how I can help.

 

[tinkerbell]

Amen Whitehorse!! We are only allowing ourselves more pain if we don't forgive.

 

[Arnold_Philips]

This is from reallivepreacher.com:

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. [/font][font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk.[/font]

It's your move.

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.[/font]

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]You can't forget. Forgiving has nothing to do with forgetting. You should remember everything and learn from it. Forgiving is goodness in the middle of remembering.[/font]

Above all, forgiveness is a series of choices you make.

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]You choose not to seek revenge or fantasize about it. You choose not to talk badly about the person who hurt you or wish evil for them.[/font]

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]You choose to let go of your anger and not to feed upon it. Shedding anger takes time and practice, but you choose to move in that direction.[/font]

You choose to wish that person well.

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]If these choices seem impossible to you, you might start by choosing to pray for the person who wronged you. You can pray for someone even if you don’t think God exists.[/font]

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]You should be quiet about your forgiveness, except with close friends. If you need to tell the story, you have not arrived. Choose not to tell the story until you no longer want to.[/font]

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.[/font]

[font=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif]Whatever happens, forgiveness is good food for your soul.[/font]