Forgiveness

[Nienor]

:/ This might be a bit awkward for me, so don't be offended by what I say...

When I was 10 or so I was sexually abused by a deacon of our church on several occasions. My church is very small, and very much a family and his daughter, although two years younger, was the only Christian friend I had. I kept quiet about the abuse, partly out of guilt, partly out of a desire to prevent a change in our church. I didn't want to lose the friendship of his daughter. Yet he abused my sister as well, and after the first occurance she told my parents. The man went to jail, his family stopped attending our church, and when he was released they moved out of the country for several years.

Now they've come back home, and returned to our church, with only one family that knows what happened. And I'm struggling. I have always had issues with self-confidence and depression, but these last six months have been miserable, effecting my school work and generally messing me up. And I only saw him once or twice as I attend school out of state, and he got home in the middle of my Christmas break. But his daughter has no idea what happened, and still is a good friend. But I think it's rather difficult to understand the incredible awkwardness that happens weekly at church, even if he isn't around.

To be honest, I don't want him there. I don't want him to be accepted back with open arms when I have never even received as much as an apology for how much this has messed me up. I don't want to see him, I don't want to hear about him, and I don't want to forgive him. I thought I had, long ago. But now I come to realize that what I thought was forgiveness is instead an extension of the guilt I felt, that I still feel like it somehow was my fault that bad things happened to him, and that I'm selfish for not wanting to see him. And I'm stuck in this struggle of feeling like a failure as a Christian who cannot forgive something that happened to her, and someone whose anger is justified, who has a right to not want to see or hear from him again. Because I really have struggled with a lot of issues related to faith and confidence because of what he did to me. I have felt ashamed and guilty for something that wasn't my fault. And I don't think I should be. I don't think I should be expected to be ok with him coming back to church, no matter how un-Christian that may sound. But because of how unloving it feels, I don't feel like I can ask my parents to ask him to leave (my dad is the pastor).

Anyway, I was looking for ways to cope with this. I've already started seeing a counselor, and that helps, but not as much as I wish.

 

[Johnnz]

You won't be able to forgive until you have worked through a lot of the issues you have in your life.

It is really sad that you can't talk to your dad. You need the loving and total support of your parents. Your dad is the pastor. He has a God given responsibility to uphold what is right, to love his daughter with Christ's love, no matter what the cost, and to properly exercise a pastoral role with the guy so he faces up to his sin and can move on in his life too.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[ForAMomentIWillFly]

Johnnz gave you good advice.

I don't feel it's right that he's come back like nothing ever happened. In my experience, the sign of a truly repentant person is seeking forgiveness from Christ, and from those they have wronged.

This may never come for you from him, but my prayer is that you will be able to forgive. There's no escape from the pain without forgiveness, take it from me. Anger won't heal it, it will only set it in stone.