- Oct 19, 2017
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All people experience times of conflict, hurt, and letting each other down. For some the offense may be as minor as forgetting a date, failing to run an errand or an act of clumsiness. For others, the offense might involve a major betrayal such as infidelity, addiction, or abuse. Either way, taking time to acknowledge the offense is a major step in healing and restoring the relationship. The process of forgiving promotes healing and inner peace, allowing you to become free from anger and resentment.
What forgiving IS:
To forgive requires an ongoing decision to let go of an offense against you and give up the inclination for vengeance, retribution, and entertaining negative thoughts toward an offender.
What forgiving is NOT:
To forgive is not to forget, condone, or allow the injustice to continue. Since it is sometimes unsafe or impossible, forgiveness does not always involve reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is not always quick; it is a process that can take time to complete. You may need to spend days or weeks, months or longer working through the process of forgiving. To forgive another does not necessitate that you trust them.
There are two situations in which forgiveness may need to occur. The ACTIVE relationship is one in which the offender and the offended still interact with each other. The INACTIVE relationship is one in which, either due to death, proximity, or choice, there is not, and may never be any interaction with each other.
Steps for Acknowledging an Offense
1. Do not say “I am sorry” and ask for forgiveness as this puts the responsibility for restoring the relationship on the offended person. For example: “Please forgive me for…” then expect an immediate answer, and respond with hurt or manipulation, if you don’t “receive” it.
2. Take full responsibility for what you did and admit “I was wrong.” If there is a request for forgiveness it should come AFTER an unqualified (no “but”) confession of the offense. (1 John 1:9) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
3. Repent of the offense. Understand and acknowledge that you have caused the other person pain. Admit to the offended person, without excuses, that what you did was hurtful. (2 Corinthians 7:10) Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
4. Invite them to tell you about their pain without argument or excuses from you. (Matthew 18:15) “If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
5. Ask if there is anything you can do to make the wrong right within reason, and make restitution for your actions as much as possible. (Numbers 5:6-7) "Say to the Israelites: 'When a man or woman wrongs another in any way and so is unfaithful to the LORD, that person is guilty and must confess the sin he has committed. He must make full restitution for his wrong, add one fifth to it and give it all to the person he has wronged. (1 Samuel 13:3)
6. Allow the offended person time to process the offense and be willing to forgive.
7. Accept and live with the consequences of the offense. (2 Samuel 12:13) Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But … the son born to you will die." After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill.
Steps for Forgiving an Offense
1. Allow yourself to acknowledge the offense and to grieve any losses you have experienced. Sit with the pain. Do not try to move forward prematurely, or feel obligated to rush through the process. Rushing forgiveness can mean you are minimizing the offense. Lewis Smedes notes that “Forgiveness is a journey. The greater the offense, the longer the journey.” Feel it
2. Acknowledge your pain and anger to your offender. Clarify the offense through open and honest discussion. Explain it (Matthew 18:15) “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
3. Let go of the offense and give up your inclination to “get even,” and let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your offender. This can even be done without the offender seeking forgiveness. Release it
4. Communicate your gift of forgiveness to your offender if you feel it is important to do so. To withhold pardon for the sake of retaining power over the offender is not forgiveness. Pardon it
5. Respond to the offense in a godly manner. Mimic God’s response to it
a) Do replace the negative, resentful thoughts. Love, bless, pray for, and do good to your offender. (Luke 6:27-28) “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
b) Do not rehearse the offense to yourself, to others, or to the offender.
(1 Corinthians 13:5) Love keeps no record of wrongs.
c) Do re-forgive the offender. Recognize the fickle nature of humankind and that the offense may reoccur. (Luke 17:4) “If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him.”
6. Realize forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. If you are at risk in some form, consider distancing yourself from that person or ending the relationship. If the offender does not take responsibility for their actions, trust cannot be restored in a relationship.
7. Examine your heart. Look within your own heart to see if you are contributing to the hurtful situation. Are you willing to acknowledge your own misdeeds?
Let forgiveness be an everyday practice. Choose to forgive the person who has offended you. Let go of the debt you feel is owed to you, even if the person has not apologized. Place the person in God’s hands and move on with your life.
What forgiving IS:
To forgive requires an ongoing decision to let go of an offense against you and give up the inclination for vengeance, retribution, and entertaining negative thoughts toward an offender.
What forgiving is NOT:
To forgive is not to forget, condone, or allow the injustice to continue. Since it is sometimes unsafe or impossible, forgiveness does not always involve reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is not always quick; it is a process that can take time to complete. You may need to spend days or weeks, months or longer working through the process of forgiving. To forgive another does not necessitate that you trust them.
There are two situations in which forgiveness may need to occur. The ACTIVE relationship is one in which the offender and the offended still interact with each other. The INACTIVE relationship is one in which, either due to death, proximity, or choice, there is not, and may never be any interaction with each other.
Steps for Acknowledging an Offense
1. Do not say “I am sorry” and ask for forgiveness as this puts the responsibility for restoring the relationship on the offended person. For example: “Please forgive me for…” then expect an immediate answer, and respond with hurt or manipulation, if you don’t “receive” it.
2. Take full responsibility for what you did and admit “I was wrong.” If there is a request for forgiveness it should come AFTER an unqualified (no “but”) confession of the offense. (1 John 1:9) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
3. Repent of the offense. Understand and acknowledge that you have caused the other person pain. Admit to the offended person, without excuses, that what you did was hurtful. (2 Corinthians 7:10) Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
4. Invite them to tell you about their pain without argument or excuses from you. (Matthew 18:15) “If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
5. Ask if there is anything you can do to make the wrong right within reason, and make restitution for your actions as much as possible. (Numbers 5:6-7) "Say to the Israelites: 'When a man or woman wrongs another in any way and so is unfaithful to the LORD, that person is guilty and must confess the sin he has committed. He must make full restitution for his wrong, add one fifth to it and give it all to the person he has wronged. (1 Samuel 13:3)
6. Allow the offended person time to process the offense and be willing to forgive.
7. Accept and live with the consequences of the offense. (2 Samuel 12:13) Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But … the son born to you will die." After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill.
Steps for Forgiving an Offense
1. Allow yourself to acknowledge the offense and to grieve any losses you have experienced. Sit with the pain. Do not try to move forward prematurely, or feel obligated to rush through the process. Rushing forgiveness can mean you are minimizing the offense. Lewis Smedes notes that “Forgiveness is a journey. The greater the offense, the longer the journey.” Feel it
2. Acknowledge your pain and anger to your offender. Clarify the offense through open and honest discussion. Explain it (Matthew 18:15) “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
3. Let go of the offense and give up your inclination to “get even,” and let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your offender. This can even be done without the offender seeking forgiveness. Release it
4. Communicate your gift of forgiveness to your offender if you feel it is important to do so. To withhold pardon for the sake of retaining power over the offender is not forgiveness. Pardon it
5. Respond to the offense in a godly manner. Mimic God’s response to it
a) Do replace the negative, resentful thoughts. Love, bless, pray for, and do good to your offender. (Luke 6:27-28) “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
b) Do not rehearse the offense to yourself, to others, or to the offender.
(1 Corinthians 13:5) Love keeps no record of wrongs.
c) Do re-forgive the offender. Recognize the fickle nature of humankind and that the offense may reoccur. (Luke 17:4) “If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him.”
6. Realize forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. If you are at risk in some form, consider distancing yourself from that person or ending the relationship. If the offender does not take responsibility for their actions, trust cannot be restored in a relationship.
7. Examine your heart. Look within your own heart to see if you are contributing to the hurtful situation. Are you willing to acknowledge your own misdeeds?
Let forgiveness be an everyday practice. Choose to forgive the person who has offended you. Let go of the debt you feel is owed to you, even if the person has not apologized. Place the person in God’s hands and move on with your life.
