Forgetting abuse

[Alineko]

When I was 8 I was... how does one put it. Abused? Not exactly. Some would say... no worse then when you try and play doctor as a kid. Some would say worse even though nothing really happend. Apparently when I was 8 one of my mothers sons a victim of real all out sexual abuse, layed on me naked a couple times. He didn't do anything to me. Just layed there. I don't remember and may never. For years I thought I was crazy, I knew something bad had happend but not what. I feared my own family because I didn't know who or what, only an idea of when. I tried talking about it to my parents when I was older but they thought I was just being dramatic having been a dramatic child as it was. Mother having known friends and things that had happend to her friends kids by other people drilled me when I was little trying to get me to tell her if something happend but my reply was always nothing. Because I couldn't remember. It wasn't until last year that he confessed to my parents. Mom wouldn't let him tell me face to face. For one it was right before Christmas and I'm grateful that she withheld it. I'm almost 24 now. Still no closer to remembering. Still not wanting to remember. I haven't seen him since Christmas before last, niave, oblivious to that facts. Just the thought of facing him brings nothing but rage, but how do you hate someone who had it far worse then you, everyone has blame for their actions, but how do you blame a then victimized 10 year old for his actions. I feel anger, pity, shame, and dare I say sometimes hate. It's hard when I feel an overwhelming need to comfort the person that hurt me. Do you think it's easier to heal when you can't remember? Or when you can? Do you have to face your attacker to heal? I'd like to know your thoughts.

 

[Johnnz]

Bring all those feelings to Jesus. Talk about them with him. Allow him to show you how to proces them. After you have sorted out your owm feelings and reacton you may be in a much better position to evaluate how you will deal with him.

Children can do things like that, generally out of curiosity. It is important that we don't needlessly read back into such events something more serious that it really was. There is a big difference bewteen childhood exploration and curiosity and actual abusive behaviour.

John
NZ

 

[uniquetadpole]

When I was 8 I was... how does one put it. Abused? Not exactly. Some would say... no worse then when you try and play doctor as a kid. Some would say worse even though nothing really happend. Apparently when I was 8 one of my mothers sons a victim of real all out sexual abuse, layed on me naked a couple times. He didn't do anything to me. Just layed there. I don't remember and may never. For years I thought I was crazy, I knew something bad had happend but not what. I feared my own family because I didn't know who or what, only an idea of when. I tried talking about it to my parents when I was older but they thought I was just being dramatic having been a dramatic child as it was. Mother having known friends and things that had happend to her friends kids by other people drilled me when I was little trying to get me to tell her if something happend but my reply was always nothing. Because I couldn't remember. It wasn't until last year that he confessed to my parents. Mom wouldn't let him tell me face to face. For one it was right before Christmas and I'm grateful that she withheld it. I'm almost 24 now. Still no closer to remembering. Still not wanting to remember. I haven't seen him since Christmas before last, niave, oblivious to that facts. Just the thought of facing him brings nothing but rage, but how do you hate someone who had it far worse then you, everyone has blame for their actions, but how do you blame a then victimized 10 year old for his actions. I feel anger, pity, shame, and dare I say sometimes hate. It's hard when I feel an overwhelming need to comfort the person that hurt me. Do you think it's easier to heal when you can't remember? Or when you can? Do you have to face your attacker to heal? I'd like to know your thoughts.

(((((((((Alineko))))))))
I was eleven when stuff happened to me...but the stuff that happened wasn't to some anything at all...but the way it made me feel caused me to block it for over 8 years. I still don't remember parts. During the time that I didn't remember my life was still affected by that incident. I went through therapy. And then back to more realife situations in which I got hurt by at least 7 more guys...this last one was an 8 year stint and probably the worst. The day I remembered that first incident was when I was able to face facts and begin my healing...then all thos other guys hurt me more...and as I emerged from this last situation I for got the entire past 8 years of my lafe...a few weeks ago I began remembering and have been working on recovery for all of it ever since and will be for a while. Is it easier remembering...no...is there more progress...yes...at least for me it has been that way. Is it worth it...I think so. Just go easy on yourself...that is what God is doing...He is not going to give you more than you can handle...and when he know you will be able to handle it...he will give you the pieces you need to begin working on it...in His time. He loves you so much. He definitely wants to comfort you. And the hardest part of this recovery is letting Him.

As far as facing my attacker? I don't have a clue...I have seen none of them since I was hurt by each. I think for some yes...they need to face them for closure...but probably not everyone needs that or can even handle that. Like Johnnz said...the best place to start is with prayer...

Tad

PS if you need someone to talk to I am here. You can PM or IM or e-mail me anytime. I will answer as soon as I can.

 

[Alineko]

Children can do things like that, generally out of curiosity. It is important that we don't needlessly read back into such events something more serious that it really was. There is a big difference bewteen childhood exploration and curiosity and actual abusive behaviour.

John
NZ

The crime was not one of curiosity I happened to be very lucky. He was an abused child acting out what he knew. Apparently I was the luckiest of his victims because I was one of or possibly the first.

 

[Alineko]

PS if you need someone to talk to I am here. You can PM or IM or e-mail me anytime. I will answer as soon as I can.

Thank you I appreciate that. See the possibility of seeing my attacker is very strong. He's the boy of one of my mothers best friends. My mother says I need to face him someday. She wouldn't let him contact me till I said so. She was supposed to have given him my email but he's yet to respond and that was months ago. I have a feeling he's more afraid of me then I am him. Of course he was brave for telling my parents about it and asking their forgivness.

 

[uniquetadpole]

Thank you I appreciate that. See the possibility of seeing my attacker is very strong. He's the boy of one of my mothers best friends. My mother says I need to face him someday. She wouldn't let him contact me till I said so. She was supposed to have given him my email but he's yet to respond and that was months ago. I have a feeling he's more afraid of me then I am him. Of course he was brave for telling my parents about it and asking their forgivness.

Yes he was brave...but so are you...you are here now...and that is a very brave thing to do. And the offer remains...contact me if you need me...I will be around...I feel that God has allowed me to go through many of the things I have in my life so that I may be able to help others...and I have no intention of letting Him down.

hugs,
Tad

 

[Mirelys]

Alineko,
I forgot things for a long time too. One of the stranger incidences also involved a child who was abused; she is my cousin. I think "sexually reactive" is the term for a child who acts out after such abuse.
I have not had troubles forgiving her, but then we were much younger than you---I think I was five or so, and she's a year younger than me. Prolly sounds a bit silly, but it's stuff that really disturbed me and had an impact on future bad situations.
I also forgot a lot of stuff in those other bad situations, even though I was much older (age ten to the present).
For me, it was necessary to remember certain things; it was necessary to remember some of the things my husband did, and also to see the pattern of my life before him (always being victimized by someone). But honestly, I remembered much more than I wanted to. Now I just want to forget again.

 

[Pure_Joy]

I was molested at age 8, I have carried memories of it with me since then, The person who did this was 11 at the time, and is still an important part in my life, this summer it came out, to my family and a pastor and his wife helped us through it, I forgave him, the then boy now man, person. It was difficult, I let him know he had hurt me and forgave him for it. It has felt better to forgive him, to his face. I would try to let them know how you feel, be it forgiveness, or what ever. i will be a load of four shoulders. Unfortunately I have had more memories then ever since it has been brought to the serface but I know that God is helping me through, though satan is trying to drown me in memories, God is pulling me out.

 

[goldenviolet]

Alineko i have a thought about the feelings you are exsperiancing. first, God bless you!

... my thought is perhaps the incident is reeking havick with your feelings because you are old enough to think of the things that does happen to kids; and you are thinking of this and applying these feelings to you (i think we all would)... trying to digest the whole thing. really, it's part of getting through the situation to have a variety of feelings. the incident was long ago, but the situation and feelings are current and very real.

no, you don't have to have a face off with the person. but healling from the feelings will be a process that he may trigger, resurfacing of the feelings. family being in your life might trigger these feelings. it's all fresh. i think it's important for you to vent about all of this as it happens. you seeing your process and recieving fellowship will be good. knowing you have us praying with you too, may help you as you find the blessings God has for you concerning all of these things.

i just want you to know that your feelings are going to be part of a process of the healling you have to grow through.

 

[UnitynLove]

Abuse and the Miracle of Recovery


During my childhood, I was abused sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically.
Many of you reading this article have also been abused, or you deal with someone in your life who comes from an abusive, dysfunctional background.
What is abuse? It means to misuse, to use improperly, to use up, or to injure by maltreatment. Let me give you a brief definition of the four types of abuse.
Sexual abuse: considered to be the most degrading and offensive. It consists of molestation, rape, incest, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, etc.
Emotional abuse: withholding of love, attention, loving touches, or words of acceptance. Love is only given based on acceptable performance, etc.
Abandonment: would fall under the category of emotional abuse and can occur when one or both parents leave the child physically or mentally. Adults can also experience the devastating effects of abandonment if important people in their lives leave suddenly or violently.
Verbal abuse: People must hear loving words of acceptance to develop properly. Verbal abuse can be overt or covert. Overt: aggressive, angry words which tell you that you are flawed or unacceptable Covert: loving words withheld
Physical abuse: beatings, unfair discipline, locked in closets or dark rooms, food withheld, etc.
The effects of abuse can be devastating and long lasting. Many people never recover from abuse.
Although I functioned as what appeared to be "normal" in society, I had multiple inward problems and complicated personality disorders. I will name a few of the things going on in me at that time that prevented me from righteousness, peace, and joy that Romans 14:17 declares is the kingdom. God the Father sent Jesus so we could have and enjoy "the kingdom."
I was bitter about my past and had a chip on my shoulder, which caused me to have the attitude that everyone owed me preferential treatment. I was full of self-pity, especially if things did not go my way. I was controlling, manipulative, fearful, insecure, and harsh. I was just plain hard to get along with and often downright obnoxious. I was judgmental, suspicious, and very negative.
I experienced a lot of guilt and condemnation. I had a shame-based nature; therefore, everything I attempted was poisoned. Since I did not like who I was, I spent many years trying to be like someone else—I am sure you are getting the picture that I was quite a mess.
Now, what I am getting ready to say is important. I WAS BORN AGAIN AND ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN CHURCH LIFE. We attended church regularly and did church work. Our lives revolved around the church, but I was not getting victory over my problems. In fact, the really sad part was that I did not even understand that I had a problem. I thought everyone else had a problem; and if they would change, I would be happy.
In 1976 1 received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Acts 1:8 speaks of receiving the power to be witnesses. Notice it does not say to do witnessing, but to be witnesses. The Bible says we are to be living epistles read of all men, light in a dark world, and the salt of the earth. Doing is a different thing than being. I had my outside polished up, but my inner life was a wreck. Quite often the inner turmoil exploded, and then everybody could see I was not quite what I appeared to be.
The outpouring of the Holy Spirit in my life gave me a real love for God's Word and an ability to understand the Word like never before. Second Corinthians 3:18 (paraphrased) says that as we look into the Word of God, it is like looking into a mirror; and we are transformed into His image from glory to glory.
I have been changing ever since. I have changed, and changed, and changed; and I am still changing. Most of those problems are completely gone and the rest only flare up occasionally. I even look differently—I look younger, happier, and more peaceful.
Second Corinthians 5:17 (paraphrased) says if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things have passed away; behold, all things are made new. But that really does not mean everything from the past just vanishes. The Amplified Bible brings it out this way, "Behold, the fresh and new has come!" In other words, without Jesus there is no hope of newness of life; the past always affects the future without the power of God to overcome it. But even with Jesus, it is not automatic. When the fresh and new comes, there is opportunity; but we must give the Word of God an exalted place in our lives. We must face the truth as revealed to us in His Word, and then the truth will set us free if it is acted upon.
I want to encourage you! Keep pressing on. You will keep changing if you stay in the Word. Philippians 1:6 (paraphrased) says He that has begun a good work in you is well able to bring it to completion. Hebrews 12:2 (paraphrased) says look to Jesus who is the author and the finisher of our faith. Now I am enjoying kingdom living: "Righteousness, peace, and joy." And no matter what your past has been or how many problems you have, God will do a miracle for you. He will change you into the image of Jesus Christ and give you a new life worth living.

 

[Psalmangel]

Thank you I appreciate that. See the possibility of seeing my attacker is very strong. He's the boy of one of my mothers best friends. My mother says I need to face him someday. She wouldn't let him contact me till I said so. She was supposed to have given him my email but he's yet to respond and that was months ago. I have a feeling he's more afraid of me then I am him. Of course he was brave for telling my parents about it and asking their forgivness.

I know how he feels. Perhaps you should talk to him face to face. Shake his hands and he will feel peace. Truce

 

[Stephanida]

I think you should do what you feel is best for you. Don't let anyone push or pressure you into a confrontation. I confronted my abuser across a court room so it isn't the same thing but I understand some of your feelings. Personally I would talk to him. It might help you sort out some of your own feelings.