? for parents

[~PICKLE~]

I'm due to have our 2nd child Feb. 19 (it's a girl) I have a 4 yr old son Reed, He's very loveable, but very spoiled. My ? is, parents that have more than one child, how did your other children handle the fact that another child was fixin' to come into the picture? My son loves the idea of having a baby sister, he kisses my belly and rubs lotion on it every night. That's all he talks about. But I'm concerned, he's used to being the only one getting the attention, and pretty much anything he wants.

 

[lucypevensie]

Well, you have to stop spoiling him But seriously, it's not doing any favors to spoil him.

But if you stop with the spoiling at the same time the baby comes he might feel resentful toward the baby. Phase it out slowly. Encourage him to be kind and generous to the baby, have him pick out a gift for the baby.

We have 2 kids. It really didn't seem to affect our older one much that I can recall. I did however feel a little guilty for having to spend so much time with the newborn and less time with my older. I'd recommend accepting any help that is offered you. If someone says, "let me know if there's anything I can do for you" then say, "as a matter of fact I would like someone to come over and watch the baby while I play with Reed alone for and hour or so."

 

[Evening Mist]

Lucy's advice is good. Accept lots of help so that you can spend 1:1 time with Reed. Don't let 1:1 time with him become a reward for good behavior either. The times his behavior is poor are the times he most needs individual attention.

I helped my older son sort through toys when I was pg. with #2. He sorted out "baby toys" and put them in a special bin for the baby. I didn't press him to give up anything he wanted to keep. After he'd made some choices, I helped him to disinfect all the toys for his baby brother, and make a special place with the baby's things to keep the bin. This helped him to prepare for being generous.

After the baby came, I used a sling constantly. The baby even napped in the sling. That way -- my hands were free to play with my older child, and do things for him. I also found it helpful to invite another 4 or 5 year old over to play with my older child regularly. They kept each other busy and happy while I took care of the baby.

There were some very hard times in the first 4 months or so, but things mellowed out once the baby was old enough to interact with my older child.

 

[Reformationist]

I'm due to have our 2nd child Feb. 19 (it's a girl) I have a 4 yr old son Reed, He's very loveable, but very spoiled. My ? is, parents that have more than one child, how did your other children handle the fact that another child was fixin' to come into the picture? My son loves the idea of having a baby sister, he kisses my belly and rubs lotion on it every night. That's all he talks about. But I'm concerned, he's used to being the only one getting the attention, and pretty much anything he wants.

I think the important thing to do is to help the older child view the new addition to the family as a member of the family rather than an obstacle to attention. This will take some creative method's of including Reed into the happenings with the new baby. You can have Reed help bathe the new baby. Or, have him help you dress the baby by putting on her socks or hat or buttoning her clothes.

Additionally, this will be a good opportunity to help Reed get over his need to be the center of attention by showing him that sometimes it's important to share the spotlight with others.

And, as Lucy said, it's important to make some time where Reed doesn't feel the need to compete for or share your attention. Some "mommy and Reed time." It's important that during these times you separate yourself from the baby, leave the house if need be. That way Reed will know that the baby won't keep interrupting your time together.

God bless

 

[~PICKLE~]

I wanted to say thank you for your advice, and let me add, I don't do the spoiling, he's meemaw does all that. Me and her have gone round and round, cause I know it's going to be a problem, when we visit her. He strives for her attention, and believe me, he gets what he wants, no matter what mommy says. I plan to involve him as much as possible, he talks everyday, what he's gonna do when the baby gets here. I guess I'm just nervous, because we are so close. I don't want him to feel left out at anytime.

 

[Reformationist]

I wanted to say thank you for your advice, and let me add, I don't do the spoiling, he's meemaw does all that. Me and her have gone round and round, cause I know it's going to be a problem, when we visit her. He strives for her attention, and believe me, he gets what he wants, no matter what mommy says.

I know you didn't ask about this but I was curious if this was your mother or your husband's? If it's your mother you should set her down and talk to her about the problems she is causing. If it's your husbands mother he should do it. Either way, if you see that she's causing a problem, you need to let her know how you feel.

And, remember that there is a certain amount of spoiling that you have to let grandparents do.

God bless and good luck,
Don

 

[~PICKLE~]

You know I've tried sittin' her down, so have my brother and sister's that have kids too. She's very hard headed. We've all told her it's a problem. We start out talkin' then it ends up fightin' cause she refuses to listen. I can't just take him out of her life, cause that would distroy her, Plus she'd be at my house in a second. she only lives 20 mins away. I'm a my wits end with her, she went to walmart today and bought him a new power ranger movie, and the white ranger with the motorcycle. I can't walk into Walmart with him, without him expecting to come out with a toy. I'm surprised someone has called CPS on me, cause I walk around and walk out of the store with him screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn't get a toy. But it's funny, cause if I ignore him, He'll come to me 30 mins later huggin and saying he's sorry. He'll Be back to his sweet self. Oh Well

 

[Reformationist]

You know I've tried sittin' her down, so have my brother and sister's that have kids too. She's very hard headed. We've all told her it's a problem. We start out talkin' then it ends up fightin' cause she refuses to listen. I can't just take him out of her life, cause that would distroy her, Plus she'd be at my house in a second. she only lives 20 mins away. I'm a my wits end with her, she went to walmart today and bought him a new power ranger movie, and the white ranger with the motorcycle. I can't walk into Walmart with him, without him expecting to come out with a toy. I'm surprised someone has called CPS on me, cause I walk around and walk out of the store with him screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn't get a toy. But it's funny, cause if I ignore him, He'll come to me 30 mins later huggin and saying he's sorry. He'll Be back to his sweet self. Oh Well

I assume you've mentioned to her that her actions are affecting your son so negatively, right? If so, what does she say to that?

I apologize if I'm getting to nosey or if you just don't want to discuss it.

I agree that taking him out of her life isn't the answer, but there is something you should take note of. If you've talked to her about this in the past it doesn't seem as if your distress bothers her at all. You might want to ask her why she expects you to consider her feelings when she doesn't seem to consider yours.

Of course I could be way off base and, in that case, you should totally ignore what I'm saying.

God bless

 

[HeatherJay]

My girls are about 2 1/2 years apart. We really didn't seem to have a terrible problem with jealousy or anything. Part of that is because my oldest was always Daddy's girl, so whenever I needed to take care of the baby, she and Daddy would go to the playground of to the pool or something like that. Another thing that helped was to really make her a part of the whole thing. Sounds like you're doing a really good job of that already.

I talked to Emily, my oldest, quite a bit before the baby got here. We referred to the new addition as "her baby". "Are you going to help mommy give your new baby a bath?" "Are you going to tell your new baby stories?" Once Eden, our baby, got here, Emily was the proudest big sister, telling everyone about 'her new baby'. She really seemed to embrace the experience. She'd always been the mothering type, so it helped tremendously that she was so willing to help out.

Here's a suggestion that my husband would have baulked at if Emily had been a boy, but I'm going to suggest it anyway. Maybe you could buy Reed a babydoll that he could 'take care of'. Show him how to put a diaper on it, how to hold it, how to feed it a bottle, how to be gentle with it, that kind of thing. That way it all won't seem so foreign to him when the baby comes. Giving him the confidence now, before the baby gets here, that he's a big boy that knows how to take care of his little sister might ease the road ahead.

Just talk to him about the way that things are going to change once the baby comes. Explain that there will be times when it will be very important to play quietly because babies need lots of rest...that the baby might get lots of presents and he might not get so many, because it's the baby's very first birthday and birthdays are very special...that Grandma might sometimes do special things for the baby, but that doesn't mean that he's any less special to her...that babies sometimes cry a lot and it's important to try and be patient and understanding when that happens...those kinds of things. It's going to be a big change, but if you prepare him for the changes, I think it might be easier for you

Also, setting aside special Reed and Mommy dates is a good idea. And never hesitate to tell him how proud you are that he's such a good big brother and how much you love him.

I was rambling but maybe there's some helpful hints in there

Love, Heather

 

[sioleabha]

I don't have any experience with introducing a second child (since my husband came with two), but when our fourth was born I was concerned about our third (Seamus) being jealous. He was only 18 months, and he'd been coddled by us and his older siblings. And when my niece was born, he seemed a little jealous of her.

Shortly after Hamish was born, I was holding him and Seamus tried to climb into my lap between me and the baby. He was getting frustrated, so I set the baby down, thinking he wanted to snuggle his mommy.

Nope, not interested in me at all. He jumped out of my lap and went to hug the baby! He loves his little brother; plays with him, hugs him, kisses him. And he's never once acted jealous.

The older two always help with the younger ones. Anna always wants to change diapers, and they both love to hold the baby. The key is to involve them without treating them like hired help.

 

[Reformationist]

I don't have any experience with introducing a second child (since my husband came with two), but when our fourth was born I was concerned about our third (Seamus) being jealous. He was only 18 months, and he'd been coddled by us and his older siblings. And when my niece was born, he seemed a little jealous of her.

Shortly after Hamish was born, I was holding him and Seamus tried to climb into my lap between me and the baby. He was getting frustrated, so I set the baby down, thinking he wanted to snuggle his mommy.

Nope, not interested in me at all. He jumped out of my lap and went to hug the baby! He loves his little brother; plays with him, hugs him, kisses him. And he's never once acted jealous.

The older two always help with the younger ones. Anna always wants to change diapers, and they both love to hold the baby. The key is to involve them without treating them like hired help.

Seamus and Hamish, huh? Bit of a Scottish influence in the family by any chance?

God bless