for couple's considering marriage

[dobieman0488]

Divorce should never be an option, follow ephesians 5, and have a christ-centered marriage, it will be tough at times, but for me and my fiancee sarah, we've determined that we're never getting divorced, either a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage until one of us die. what god brings together, let nothing or no one seperate

 

[DanC922]

Divorce should never be an option, follow ephesians 5, and have a christ-centered marriage, it will be tough at times, but for me and my fiancee sarah, we've determined that we're never getting divorced, either a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage until one of us die. what god brings together, let nothing or no one seperate

That's great. Marriage is supposed to be an image of Christ and the church in many ways, and divorce and unloving marriages really makes it a bad image.

 

[The Nihilist]

Ha! Ah, youth.

 

[ido]

Divorce should never be an option, follow ephesians 5, and have a christ-centered marriage, it will be tough at times, but for me and my fiancee sarah, we've determined that we're never getting divorced, either a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage until one of us die. what god brings together, let nothing or no one seperate

This is, indeed, ideal. If both parties abide by Ephesians 5 and commit to a Christ-centered marriage, then there would be no need for divorce. Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

That sounds to me a lot like the people who say "I love you forever and ever" and break up the following week. No offense, but that's what I'm picking up from that.

It's not that it's a bad idealism and you shouldn't give up hope, but it's silly to stay in a marriage that is loveless if that ever were to happen.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

That sounds to me a lot like the people who say "I love you forever and ever" and break up the following week. No offense, but that's what I'm picking up from that.

It's not that it's a bad idealism and you shouldn't give up hope, but it's silly to stay in a marriage that is loveless if that ever were to happen.

The ebb and flow of loving feelings shouldn't be the determination in remaining in a marriage. Love is feelings, but much more than that. It should be a decision every day for a married couple. People change, but the promise is still a promise. It's better not to let a marriage deteriorate, but restoration is a possibility that should be grasped and prayed for.

The OP does sound idealistic because things happen that many could not even imagine to be true. People lie, become mean to spouse, kids, the dog and start acting like crazy lunatics. Everyone should enter marriage with the knowledge that it is supposed to be a lifelong commitment and prepare accordingly. Most do not prepare accordingly.

 

[Luther073082]

As the pastor who did our pre-marital counciling said. Single is our default setting.

Basically means, marriage takes two people to be so selfless that they can literally belong to another person in every way.

Thats not easy to do for anyone. But it can be done with God's help.

That sounds to me a lot like the people who say "I love you forever and ever" and break up the following week. No offense, but that's what I'm picking up from that.

You will see that among a lot of immature people. Especially middle schoolers. I teach middle schoolers and most of them have more relationships in 2 months then I've had in my entire life.

But mature adults I don't think are that bad. Sure people say I love you and then they break up but I doubt most people say I love you for the first time and then break up in a week.

It's not that it's a bad idealism and you shouldn't give up hope, but it's silly to stay in a marriage that is loveless if that ever were to happen.

If the love was once there, it can be reclaimed if someone is committed to doing so. But as with the post before, you can't determine a marriage based on the flow of your emotions alone. Living with someone like that and giving your whole life to them, there is certain to be friction and there is certain to be times where you really don't feel like you love them.

Whats important to note also is in the long term very few divorces are just caused by people just "falling out of love." The falling out of love occurs typically due to a conflict or repeated conflicts. Often on the same topics. Disagreements about money is by far the number 1 cause of divorce. So one of the most important parts of a marriage in the long term is being able to resolve these conflicts without one side feeling constantly slighted.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

You will see that among a lot of immature people. Especially middle schoolers. I teach middle schoolers and most of them have more relationships in 2 months then I've had in my entire life.

But mature adults I don't think are that bad. Sure people say I love you and then they break up but I doubt most people say I love you for the first time and then break up in a week.

You've not met some of the adults I've met then. One of the things that always puzzles me is that I thought the teenage drama ended with highschool, but I found that it goes well into some peoples 40's before they learn to grow up.

 

[Bootstrap]

If you read the ceremony, marriage is not a promise to not get divorced ever. It's a promise to love, honor, and cherish, no matter what the circumstances (for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health). It's not a promise to do these things once in a while, it's a promise to do it every day as long as you both shall live.

If you're commitment is only to not divorcing, that's a lot like a commitment to "anything but" before the marriage - if you cede ground one bit at a time, many people find that "anything but" is no different than an agreement to have sex eventually. If you both commit yourself to love, honor, and cherish every day, you're on solid ground, but if you commit only to not divorcing ... that commitment may not be enough to prevent a divorce.

John Gottman is a researcher who can predict, with greater than 90% accuracy, that some couples will get a divorce within a year.

'The Four Horsemen': Why Marriages Fail : NPR

If he sees the following four things in the relationship, he expects a divorce - and you can't love, honor, and cherish while doing these things at the same time:

The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

1. Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.

2. Contempt. Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

You can't do any of these four things while loving, honoring, and cherishing your spouse.

 

[Luther073082]

You've not met some of the adults I've met then. One of the things that always puzzles me is that I thought the teenage drama ended with highschool, but I found that it goes well into some peoples 40's before they learn to grow up.

Yikes! Thats scary.

 

[JDFU]

Fight for your marriage, but at the same time, if the other partner doesn't want to, or if it's in the case of domestic abuse (towards both men and women), divorce is the only option.

 

[*Charis*]

Keep your eyes on the prize, Dobieman... it's a biblical one.

 

[Jer29]

Paul's teachings on marriage in Eph. 5 begins in verse 22.

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

If you will both strive to fulfill these roles, and with the Lord's help, you will have a most wonderful marriage. May the Lord bless you!