Fleeces!

[RachelZ]

I haven't posted on here for a long, long time so most of you probably won't remember me. I'd like to say all the non-posting has been cos I no longer get bothered by OCD but unfortunately that's not the case though I haven't been at my worst. However my main issue still intrudes into my life and it's cos of that I'm posting now. I just feel like if God would once and for all lay my main anxiety to rest I could get on with life and serve Him so much the better. I keep laying down fleeces to see what God is saying but I hear nothing...and I know it's nothing cos I do the fleece both ways...ie if tha answer is a. may this happen and then when i get no response I reverse it. How sad does that sound!!! I worry that it isn't OCD butan anxious response to sin. I just don't know why God is silent when a simple yes or no to if I've sinned/made a wrong choice would make all the difference. I'm not even sure why I'm posting cause all I want is an answer and some resulting peace and I know a forum can't give me that. I want to live my life or I'm gonna look back with regret on so much wasted time but I can't when I am in turmoil about whether something was or wasn't God's will. How can I ask God so He will answer? I wonder if He even likes me. Thanks for listening...Rachel

 

[Skitsskat]

I'm not sure what fleeces are but God does like you! He loves you.
About the answer as to whether you've sinned, we all have but God forgives.
I'm really fuzzy on exactly what you're going through but it sounds almost like Scrupulosity.
God bless.

 

[followJesus1811]

Hi!

Quick question- what kind of questions are you asking God?

His words are in the Bible. So many times we are looking for reassurence in our emotions and feelings, and those will only lie to us and make us feel condemned.

When that happens, go to His word.

A verse that has been helping me is:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lors id the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psam 27:1

Let's not be afraid of this OCD and deceiving thoughts.

If you are asking questions regarding His will and decision making, I highly recommend a book called "Just do something" by Kevin Deyoung.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hi, Rachelz!
As you know from the past you and I share many similarities with the OCD battles. As to why God doesn't just give us a yes or no....I can just relate a story in my own life. I dealt with one big OCD issue in my life.it was so huge I spent many many hours speaking to my counselor about it. MANY hours. My counselor was a very Godly, Spirit-filled woman and she told me one time she asked God why He couldn't just show me straight out that this one issue was OCD. She felt He told her in response simply"it's a process..." I can look back on that time now and clearly see that issue as OCD. It was that issue, however, that the Lord used to help me understand that my lifelong battle with "issues" was in fact, OCD. In short, it was painful but in retrospect, I can see the Lord using that to give me understanding I badly needed about myself.

Don't know if that helps. I too would prefer just instant deliverance from OCD and I pray for healing/deliverance but I do understand now that sometimes God can use "the process" too.

Praying for you..,,

 

[RachelZ]

Hi and many thanks for your replies - sorry I haven't responded sooner. In answer to your question Skitsskat a fleece is a term taken from a biblical account when someone basically said if God wanted them to do something would something very specific happen to serve as a sign from God. In my case it's me asking God to show me if I have sinned in a particular area. I always ask God for a sign both ways to make sure silence one way isn't the answer and I keep getting silence both ways leaving me with no answer. I totally agree we've all sinned but it is killing me not to know and that if I have sinned in this area or made a wrong choice then virtually my whole life is out of his will.

Hi followJesus - I don't want to be specific but it's basically a major decision I made which I need to know if I made the right decision on to get some peace.

Hi Kaykay - lovely to get a reply from you and thanks for sharing that with me. I guess I just feel that after pretty much a decade this one is for life - which is a really sickening thought. I sometimes just feel it realy isn't just OCD and just want to know if I need to be strong and repent and live with the consequences.

Anyway...thanks again...Rachelz

 

[followJesus1811]

There is no way to be outside of His will. If you believe in that then you discredit his sovereignty and authority over all. If you are walking by faith and wisdOm and following the bible- have no fear.

 

[dabro]

I've been in ur shoes and treatment helps. But I also know that when you ask a ? and get a answer then another ? pop's up and you have to answer that. and thats just the cycle of OCD. Man, it must be tough on you. I'll be praying that the Lord gives you rest!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Rachelz,
I think we all have certain OCD "themes" that trouble us more than others and that is our weakness where OCD is concerned. We may get off of it for awhile, but it can come back to torment us. Does that make any sense? It doesn't make it real, valid or true. It's just a personal area of weakness. (a particular theme, I mean.) I have some like that myself. (unfortunately.) Praying for you~

 

[gracealone]

Hi Rachel,
Good to hear from you again but not so good to hear that you are still trying to obtain certainty regarding this theme. That is what keeps it alive and kicking.
So what would it mean to you if you had actually sinned in the decision you made? What is the horrific outcome that you fear?
Whatever it is - (and you do not have to say it on here) - this is what you must do exposure to.
Do you know what I mean by that? I think you do. If not please feel free to ask.
If you think that doing exposure to the feared outcome is somehow dangerous than you are giving the obsession even more validity.
It's a tough process and when you've been at it a long time you have to understand that overcoming the theme may take a long time. But the more agressive and brave you are in exposing yourself to that feared outcome the quicker the recovery process.
Blessings!
Mitzi

Hi and many thanks for your replies - sorry I haven't responded sooner. In answer to your question Skitsskat a fleece is a term taken from a biblical account when someone basically said if God wanted them to do something would something very specific happen to serve as a sign from God. In my case it's me asking God to show me if I have sinned in a particular area. I always ask God for a sign both ways to make sure silence one way isn't the answer and I keep getting silence both ways leaving me with no answer. I totally agree we've all sinned but it is killing me not to know and that if I have sinned in this area or made a wrong choice then virtually my whole life is out of his will.

Hi followJesus - I don't want to be specific but it's basically a major decision I made which I need to know if I made the right decision on to get some peace.

Hi Kaykay - lovely to get a reply from you and thanks for sharing that with me. I guess I just feel that after pretty much a decade this one is for life - which is a really sickening thought. I sometimes just feel it realy isn't just OCD and just want to know if I need to be strong and repent and live with the consequences.

Anyway...thanks again...Rachelz

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks for your replies...I know there are OCD themes...this one is feeling like it's more the book, film and play!!! It just won't go away. People do feel sick with anxiety if they sin...who am I to run from that and hide behind a cop-out excuse which is what I feel I may be doing.

Hi Mitzi - so good to hear from you...hope you're doing well. Yes I know about exposure...guess I'm a certified chicken! Do you know just thinking about exposing myself to the idea it's all true makes me feel like I'd collapse from the inide out!

Anyway, many thanks again...Rachel

 

[gracealone]

Hi Rachel,

" Do you know just thinking about exposing myself to the idea it's all true makes me feel like I'd collapse from the inide out!"

What you said, just here, is exactly why you must do it and it's also why it would work for you. Even though it's awful, exposure should create this kind of feeling. You have to remember that not to do exposure to this fear is what is keeping you in fear of it. Standing up to it and taking every ugly scenario that it wants to dish out without flinching -( ie. doing any sort of checking or reassurance seeking), will retrain your brain to quit treating it like it's an emergency. Long held obsession means you need to do agressive exposure to feel better. Baby steps in exposure is better than no steps at all - just take it one day at a time. Forget the past, how long you've dealt with it and don't worry about how long it might take to feel better. If you fall off the horse just climb back on.
Just imagine how many people you can help after you beat this obsession. Be inspired by that. Ask God to give you this priviledge. Be inspired as to how you can help your children or grandchildren should they suffer from OCD. Be inspired about all that God is going to teach you about His grace and sufficiency in and through this.
I know you can do it. I'll be praying for you.
Love you.
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Mitzi...I wish I had your belief in the treatment...I am so afraid I'll be compounding my sin by not treating it as such. I feel so frustrated cos one little irrefutable answer from God and I could get on with my life. Thanks again...take care...Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sent you a pm.

 

[gracealone]

My dear friend,
Here's a hard truth. You have to go into treatment while not believing that it will work. If you believed, (actually if any of us believed) it would work you wouldn't even need treatment because in effect you'd be saying... "yes I know this is OCD and therefore not valid and therefore I can move on." Instead you have to go into this kind of treatment completely doubting that it will work and still being scared to death of the obsession as well as the treatment. It's kind of like volunteering for a painful procedure but doing so because you know that in the end the procedure will be the thing that cures you. I know you'd probably rather have a sledge hammer whop you on the hand instead if that would help your Obsession - I really get that. I guess the best way to pray for you is that God will grant you the courage to do this kind of therapy for this stubborn obsession. I'm so sorry that it's been shoving you around for so long. I hate to hear that.
Love and prayers,
Mitzi

Thanks Mitzi...I wish I had your belief in the treatment...I am so afraid I'll be compounding my sin by not treating it as such. I feel so frustrated cos one little irrefutable answer from God and I could get on with my life. Thanks again...take care...Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Mitzi...I appreciate your wisdom and empathy very much. The irony is I think the fear is liable to make at least part of the fear come true if that makes sense. Sorry for shortness of reply...hugs...Rachel x

 

[gracealone]

I'm sorry I'm afraid I'm not understanding. Do you mean that the fact that you are afraid of this might mean that it might be partially true or do you mean that if you treat it as OCD you will be running a risk by ignoring something that might partially be true?
Anyhow, if it were partially true, could you do anything to change that or make it untrue?
You can PM me if you like and maybe help me to understand what you are saying.
Treating OCD means going into therapy feeling uncertain as to whether the fear is valid or not. We all feel this when we make the decision to do the therapy. Swallowing uncertainty and "running the risk" are part and parcel of managing OCD. The attitude must be: "This fear might not be OCD but since I'm making no progress in ridding myself of this obsession, I might as well go ahead and take the risk in treating it like it actually is OCD.
Hugs, Mitzi

Thanks Mitzi...I appreciate your wisdom and empathy very much. The irony is I think the fear is liable to make at least part of the fear come true if that makes sense. Sorry for shortness of reply...hugs...Rachel x