Hey everyone, this is my first post here.
Firstly, I guess I will say that I hold strongly to reformed beliefs, and that over the past few months I've been in a large struggle in regards to assurance of my salvation.
I will also say I agree whole heartedly with John 14:6, and that it is faith in Christ which saves anyone, only because of what Christ has done.
Now I guess I will get on to my testimony, and also to some questions I have. If any of you could help in any way, it'd be much appreciated.
I've been raised in a christian home all my life. I've gone to church as far back as I can remember, and went to a private christian school for all my life. I asked Jesus into my heart at the age of 6, but did not necessarily know what it meant, or know why I should. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I started to take things seriously if you would, and started examining myself to see if I was in the faith. Through out my senior year, I began to more seriously read the bible, the gospels, and other christian literature. I became more interested in salvation, faith, and things of that sort. While I grew in my knowledge, I can't say if much of it ever hit at a heart level. I also began learning about the reformed faith, and became conscious that I may not be saved, and if I was not one of the elect, I would be doomed to eternal hell without hope anyhow. It was a near death experience at the end of 2006 that really shook me to my senses. I was almost certain that if I had died, I would have gone to hell. I wanted to be saved, but had no clue how to be saved. I studied scriptures more for a week, and prayed that Christ might show me the way and make sense of some things for me. Then, at the beginning of 2007, I heard a sermon that, as far as I know, radically changed my life.
While listening to this sermon, for the first time in my life I felt a genuine sorrow, disgust, and conviction of sin. I couldn't believe I had settled for a life so short of God's glory. I couldn't believe I had rebelled against Him for so long. It broke my heart. Following the sermon I talked with my friends for an hour about certain scripture, and christian literature. I then had to go to be alone, because I felt an excitement and burning inside me that I couldn't explain. I felt as if the joy, and presence of the Lord had come upon me in an unexplainable way. The only thing I could do was drop to my news in prayer saying "I surrender". It was during these moments, that I knew Christ had died for my sins, and I was His. I trusted I was one of His elect, and that my record of debt had been canceled. I felt clean for the first time in my life. After this took place, for the rest of the evening I'd laugh out of joy, and then fall into a place of weeping because I understood grace for the first time, and couldn't believe I'd been spared.
After that evening, A dramatic change in my life took place. I actually enjoyed spending time in the word, and in prayer. I had a genuine love for God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I'd been addicted to pornography since 5th grade, and it was suddenly no longer a problem and has not been a problem since. Fellowship with Christians was one of my favorite things. I actually enjoyed worship. Later however, I started to see just how sinful I was. Indwelling sin started making itself known in my life. I began battling with pride specifically. I began praying that God might humble me, and install the fear of the Lord in me.
It wasn't many days later that I listened to sinners in the hands of an angry God by edwards, and it destroyed me. I could only plead to God for mercy. Following that sermon I became hyper introspective. I wasn't sure If I had ever believed savingly in Christ. I'd ask for belief, but all I could see was unbelief. I'd have trouble believing scripture was God-breathed, or believing Christ was the son of God. Sometimes I'd wonder if the gospels were made up and if Christ was a myth. Through these times my main prayer is always I believe, help my unbelief. It's not that I don't want to believe in Christ. I hate my unbelief and wish I could magically make it vanish, but all I can do is pray and hope. Coupled with unbelief was the struggle of not knowing whether the holy spirit indwelt me. All I could see was sin in my life (mainly indwelling sin) and could find little to no fruit whatsoever. Not only that, but my faith was and is so meager that I often question if I have any faith at all. Often times I feel like a faker because I struggle so often with unbelief, and with so many vile sins in my heart.
Through out this struggle however there have been many good things happening in my life. There have been times of intense belief and satisfaction in the person of Christ. I very much enjoy fellowship with Christians. My concern for the lost has increased. There have been many times too were things have clicked like never before in terms of understanding the gospel, or other scriptures. There has been a very large increase in my distaste for sin, and what I hope to be a genuine thirsting for righteousness. Through out the struggle there have been times where I thirst so much for Christ that I'd rather die than not have Him. There have also been many instances where it was like a light was shed on scripture in such a way that it was burned on my heart and mind and it deeply moved me. Often when I read scripture, hear a sermon, or when I'm in prayer my heart will burn with excitement. There are numerous other good things, and specific instances that I've journaled down that have kept me pushing through.
There is nothing more that I want than to be called a child of God. It seems so often that many of prayers are surrounded around this struggle. Often I pray that God might grant repentance and faith in Christ if he hasn't already- and if He has that He might continually do so.
There are so many verses I've been trying to cling to in this time.
I often cling to Romans 10:9, but then I often wonder If I truly believe in my heart. I cling to Romans 10:13, but Matthew 7:21 is a paradoxical verse that would seem to mean not everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I cling to Philippians 1:6 but often wonder if a good work has indeed been started in me, or if I've been deceived by the devil, or have deceived myself. I often cling to John 6:37 but wonder if I've come savingly, or have come the right way.
I guess my main question is, is this way out of the ordinary? If what I've said is true and not exaggerated by myself, does it sound like perhaps the Holy Spirit has been working on me or in me?
I don't want to be saved if I'm not just because of eternity spent in hell (which is reason enough to want to be saved). I don't want to bear the wrath of God. Not only that though- I don't want to be separated from Christ and His glory. The most desirable thing to me, is to stare into his face for all eternity, learning more and more about the attributes of God in an ever increasing joy. I don't want to miss out on that. Being free from sin, and unbelief would be a major plus too.
Can anybody help?
Firstly, I guess I will say that I hold strongly to reformed beliefs, and that over the past few months I've been in a large struggle in regards to assurance of my salvation.
I will also say I agree whole heartedly with John 14:6, and that it is faith in Christ which saves anyone, only because of what Christ has done.
Now I guess I will get on to my testimony, and also to some questions I have. If any of you could help in any way, it'd be much appreciated.
I've been raised in a christian home all my life. I've gone to church as far back as I can remember, and went to a private christian school for all my life. I asked Jesus into my heart at the age of 6, but did not necessarily know what it meant, or know why I should. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I started to take things seriously if you would, and started examining myself to see if I was in the faith. Through out my senior year, I began to more seriously read the bible, the gospels, and other christian literature. I became more interested in salvation, faith, and things of that sort. While I grew in my knowledge, I can't say if much of it ever hit at a heart level. I also began learning about the reformed faith, and became conscious that I may not be saved, and if I was not one of the elect, I would be doomed to eternal hell without hope anyhow. It was a near death experience at the end of 2006 that really shook me to my senses. I was almost certain that if I had died, I would have gone to hell. I wanted to be saved, but had no clue how to be saved. I studied scriptures more for a week, and prayed that Christ might show me the way and make sense of some things for me. Then, at the beginning of 2007, I heard a sermon that, as far as I know, radically changed my life.
While listening to this sermon, for the first time in my life I felt a genuine sorrow, disgust, and conviction of sin. I couldn't believe I had settled for a life so short of God's glory. I couldn't believe I had rebelled against Him for so long. It broke my heart. Following the sermon I talked with my friends for an hour about certain scripture, and christian literature. I then had to go to be alone, because I felt an excitement and burning inside me that I couldn't explain. I felt as if the joy, and presence of the Lord had come upon me in an unexplainable way. The only thing I could do was drop to my news in prayer saying "I surrender". It was during these moments, that I knew Christ had died for my sins, and I was His. I trusted I was one of His elect, and that my record of debt had been canceled. I felt clean for the first time in my life. After this took place, for the rest of the evening I'd laugh out of joy, and then fall into a place of weeping because I understood grace for the first time, and couldn't believe I'd been spared.
After that evening, A dramatic change in my life took place. I actually enjoyed spending time in the word, and in prayer. I had a genuine love for God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I'd been addicted to pornography since 5th grade, and it was suddenly no longer a problem and has not been a problem since. Fellowship with Christians was one of my favorite things. I actually enjoyed worship. Later however, I started to see just how sinful I was. Indwelling sin started making itself known in my life. I began battling with pride specifically. I began praying that God might humble me, and install the fear of the Lord in me.
It wasn't many days later that I listened to sinners in the hands of an angry God by edwards, and it destroyed me. I could only plead to God for mercy. Following that sermon I became hyper introspective. I wasn't sure If I had ever believed savingly in Christ. I'd ask for belief, but all I could see was unbelief. I'd have trouble believing scripture was God-breathed, or believing Christ was the son of God. Sometimes I'd wonder if the gospels were made up and if Christ was a myth. Through these times my main prayer is always I believe, help my unbelief. It's not that I don't want to believe in Christ. I hate my unbelief and wish I could magically make it vanish, but all I can do is pray and hope. Coupled with unbelief was the struggle of not knowing whether the holy spirit indwelt me. All I could see was sin in my life (mainly indwelling sin) and could find little to no fruit whatsoever. Not only that, but my faith was and is so meager that I often question if I have any faith at all. Often times I feel like a faker because I struggle so often with unbelief, and with so many vile sins in my heart.
Through out this struggle however there have been many good things happening in my life. There have been times of intense belief and satisfaction in the person of Christ. I very much enjoy fellowship with Christians. My concern for the lost has increased. There have been many times too were things have clicked like never before in terms of understanding the gospel, or other scriptures. There has been a very large increase in my distaste for sin, and what I hope to be a genuine thirsting for righteousness. Through out the struggle there have been times where I thirst so much for Christ that I'd rather die than not have Him. There have also been many instances where it was like a light was shed on scripture in such a way that it was burned on my heart and mind and it deeply moved me. Often when I read scripture, hear a sermon, or when I'm in prayer my heart will burn with excitement. There are numerous other good things, and specific instances that I've journaled down that have kept me pushing through.
There is nothing more that I want than to be called a child of God. It seems so often that many of prayers are surrounded around this struggle. Often I pray that God might grant repentance and faith in Christ if he hasn't already- and if He has that He might continually do so.
There are so many verses I've been trying to cling to in this time.
I often cling to Romans 10:9, but then I often wonder If I truly believe in my heart. I cling to Romans 10:13, but Matthew 7:21 is a paradoxical verse that would seem to mean not everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. I cling to Philippians 1:6 but often wonder if a good work has indeed been started in me, or if I've been deceived by the devil, or have deceived myself. I often cling to John 6:37 but wonder if I've come savingly, or have come the right way.
I guess my main question is, is this way out of the ordinary? If what I've said is true and not exaggerated by myself, does it sound like perhaps the Holy Spirit has been working on me or in me?
I don't want to be saved if I'm not just because of eternity spent in hell (which is reason enough to want to be saved). I don't want to bear the wrath of God. Not only that though- I don't want to be separated from Christ and His glory. The most desirable thing to me, is to stare into his face for all eternity, learning more and more about the attributes of God in an ever increasing joy. I don't want to miss out on that. Being free from sin, and unbelief would be a major plus too.
Can anybody help?
