Finding some humor in it all

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I turned 26 about two weeks ago and since then my OCD has flared up again. How annoying!

Just so you all know, in the past two weeks....

• I'm dying of skin cancer
• I'm probably bipolar
• Every ache and pain is cancer surging through my body
• I'm most likely pregnant even though FIVE pregnancy tests say "negative"
• My liver is failing and I'll need a liver transplant
• I'm an atheist (again) and there is no hope for me
• 26 years old? I might as well be 96 and lying on my death bed because it's all downhill from here!
• I'm going to get fired because my boss didn't say "hi" to me.

It's been a very busy two weeks.

It seems as though when a new obsession comes up, I have to ruminate about it for some time before I finally get my bearings and work up enough courage to expose myself to my fears. Being anxious and obsessive sometimes feels like a "safe" place for us, doesn't it? It's almost like we are afraid to live life without OCD. We've always got to check for that certainty. Even when I'm doing well, I still want to find some certainty.

I can look at my list of fears and laugh, but when we're in the midst of it, we all know it's not so funny. It's really painful, and difficult.

My "vision statement" if you will, for this year, is for me to be proactive instead of reactive. I don't care if I don't FEEL like I believe in God, I'm still going to pray, go to church, read my Bible, etc. I don't care if I FEEL like I'm dying of cancer, I'm still going to live life and not be afraid. I think it is high time for me to challenge my OCD and dare it to prove itself to be true. For sooo long I just went along with everything that it told me. Well, OCD isn't in control... God is, and am I!

 

[Jayangel81]

Heres a big ~HUG~for you sister.

Im Praying for you Sad. I really pray that God will give you rest.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Sad,
Wow!! Loved this post. It's amazing how similar the obsessional theme's of those of us with OCD.
The last portion of your post is so awesome. This is the exact attitude that we have to take on when living with OCD. It's the "so what, I am for going on, no matter what" attitude. When I read Bunyan's book it helped me tremendously to see that it was this exact attitude that helped him to move out of the despair of his OCD into active/productive service for Christ. He just stopped demanding certainty and exercised his will to walk on.
I stand wholeheartedly with you in this effort to not let our OCD push us around.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

I turned 26 about two weeks ago and since then my OCD has flared up again. How annoying!

Just so you all know, in the past two weeks....

• I'm dying of skin cancer
• I'm probably bipolar
• Every ache and pain is cancer surging through my body
• I'm most likely pregnant even though FIVE pregnancy tests say "negative"
• My liver is failing and I'll need a liver transplant
• I'm an atheist (again) and there is no hope for me
• 26 years old? I might as well be 96 and lying on my death bed because it's all downhill from here!
• I'm going to get fired because my boss didn't say "hi" to me.

It's been a very busy two weeks.

It seems as though when a new obsession comes up, I have to ruminate about it for some time before I finally get my bearings and work up enough courage to expose myself to my fears. Being anxious and obsessive sometimes feels like a "safe" place for us, doesn't it? It's almost like we are afraid to live life without OCD. We've always got to check for that certainty. Even when I'm doing well, I still want to find some certainty.

I can look at my list of fears and laugh, but when we're in the midst of it, we all know it's not so funny. It's really painful, and difficult.

My "vision statement" if you will, for this year, is for me to be proactive instead of reactive. I don't care if I don't FEEL like I believe in God, I'm still going to pray, go to church, read my Bible, etc. I don't care if I FEEL like I'm dying of cancer, I'm still going to live life and not be afraid. I think it is high time for me to challenge my OCD and dare it to prove itself to be true. For sooo long I just went along with everything that it told me. Well, OCD isn't in control... God is, and am I!

 

[gracealone]

P.S.
I've been an on and off atheist too. When I think I might be turning into an atheist I'm very afraid that God might reject me forever... but wait a minute.. if I'm an atheist, then how is it that I can even think such a thought?
It's very hard and confusing to be a God fearing athiest.
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad...just wanted to say I'm sorry you're getting so much OCD stuff being thrown at you but a huge well done for taking the "I'm gonna kick its butt!" attitude! I pray this weekend brings you some peace...hugs, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the encouragement. I had a pretty good week last week OCD-wise. Mitzi I love what you said: "He just stopped demanding certainty and exercised his will to walk on. " That is the attitude I need to take!

An interesting side note: I was feeling mopey and down in the dumps on Saturday, and went and worked out intensely for about half an hour. Wow, the difference between before and after were definitely noticeable. Just reminds me how important it is to have the natural mood lifter of exercise in my life!

I still have sooo many challenges to face. This past weekend, my flavor of the day was breast cancer. I thought back on a time in my life where those little aches and pains never meant anything... they were just normal and something that my body did every once in awhile. Fortunately I handled those aches and pains a little better than I have in the past!

Praying for you all, and lifting you all up.

 

[kaykay537]

I remember some years ago when my OCD was raging big time (and I didn't know what it was then. I knew I had an enemy, but I didn't know its name,) I felt like God was just leading me to " just keep walking." I would pray and it seemed like that was the guidance I was getting from the Lord. Interesting, looking back, that this seems to be one of the primary things most of us finally realize we have to do to battle this thing!

Prayers for you Sad and the rest of you who struggle~~

 

[gracealone]

Hi Sad,
Just had to comment on your "flavor of the day" statement. I can still have those various obsessions that are short lived compared to the whopper ones that usually center on health obsessions also. My son and I like to compare our "obsession of the week" when we speak on the phone.
Last week he had heart failure, kidney disease, oh... and a small tumor behind his ear that turned out to be a huge zit.
I was likely to die from pneumonia because I had a chest cold ... or maybe it was the bird flu since I'd cleaned bird poop off the clothesline. Then after getting about 20 mosquito bites in one day I figured I'd probably wind up with W. Nile Virus. Instead of looking up the symptoms online I just accepted my fate and said..."Oh well, what is, is what are you gonna do about it?" - and managed to move on. Still alive and kicking minus the cold now.
Am having a very uncomfortable obsession that I hope I can move past soon. We visited a very dear friend who is severely sick with emphysema.(Smoking) Next day I came down with my cold. When I spoke to his wife I told her I was worried that he might catch my cold. Her reply is what has had me in knots since then. She said..."Oh yes... that would be horrible, really deadly, it could kill him." As you can imagine saying something like that to a person with OCD can really throw a wrench into the gear.
Would just appreciate your prayers about this. If he gets sick I'm not quite sure how I'll handle it.
Thanks,
Mitzi

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the encouragement. I had a pretty good week last week OCD-wise. Mitzi I love what you said: "He just stopped demanding certainty and exercised his will to walk on. " That is the attitude I need to take!

An interesting side note: I was feeling mopey and down in the dumps on Saturday, and went and worked out intensely for about half an hour. Wow, the difference between before and after were definitely noticeable. Just reminds me how important it is to have the natural mood lifter of exercise in my life!

I still have sooo many challenges to face. This past weekend, my flavor of the day was breast cancer. I thought back on a time in my life where those little aches and pains never meant anything... they were just normal and something that my body did every once in awhile. Fortunately I handled those aches and pains a little better than I have in the past!

Praying for you all, and lifting you all up.

 

[kaykay537]

Hi Sad,
Just had to comment on your "flavor of the day" statement. I can still have those various obsessions that are short lived compared to the whopper ones that usually center on health obsessions also. My son and I like to compare our "obsession of the week" when we speak on the phone.
Last week he had heart failure, kidney disease, oh... and a small tumor behind his ear that turned out to be a huge zit.
I was likely to die from pneumonia because I had a chest cold ... or maybe it was the bird flu since I'd cleaned bird poop off the clothesline. Then after getting about 20 mosquito bites in one day I figured I'd probably wind up with W. Nile Virus. Instead of looking up the symptoms online I just accepted my fate and said..."Oh well, what is, is what are you gonna do about it?" - and managed to move on. Still alive and kicking minus the cold now.
Am having a very uncomfortable obsession that I hope I can move past soon. We visited a very dear friend who is severely sick with emphysema.(Smoking) Next day I came down with my cold. When I spoke to his wife I told her I was worried that he might catch my cold. Her reply is what has had me in knots since then. She said..."Oh yes... that would be horrible, really deadly, it could kill him." As you can imagine saying something like that to a person with OCD can really throw a wrench into the gear.
Would just appreciate your prayers about this. If he gets sick I'm not quite sure how I'll handle it.
Thanks,
Mitzi

Well, Mitzi, I will pray for you about it. I know that you are very adamant that "reassurance" in these things sometimes perpetuates the cycle, but...I'm gonna say this anyway~it's possible, but unlikely first of all, that he will catch your cold especially since you weren't even symptomatic yet and secondly, if he lives in society at all, this man is always going to be at risk for this (the cold virus is everywhere!) whether you visit him or not. (even if he is housebound.) Of course, we both know that OCD doesn't accept logic very well. So... yes, I will pray. Also, I will say that as you probably also know, this kinda falls in the category of "responsibility OCD" which I also have struggled with and sometimes still do but not as badly.

Prayers and thanks for all your helpful posts!

 

[wiggsfly]

I HATE times like those. Either I have cancer, AIDS, TB, or some other disease for a few days. When it's not disease it's peak oil, global warming, or some other calamity that will take us out by the weekend.

About once or twice a year they get bad enough that I take a day off and stay in bed.

I'll keep you in my prayers.


We should start a thread on the "what do I have today." After a few weeks we could all go back, add our latest disease/disaster/etc and laugh at how foolish the old ones seem now.....

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

wiggsfly - I know, when we're not obsessiong about them, they seem so silly, don't they? A few weeks ago I scratched off a mole and FREAKED OUT that it was skin cancer. Before long I was already planning my funeral from dying of melanoma. Though I have a dermatologist appointment in a few weeks just for a check up, right now I'm like, wow, there is probably a .00099% chance I even have skin cancer. But at the time.. WOW. No one could convince me otherwise that I wasn't dying of it.

Mitzi, I will pray for you. It is so hard when that "responsibility" part of our disorder acts up. Sometimes I wonder in amazement how we actually can live with ourselves when we suffer from this disorder. Not in the bad sense, like "I'm a horrible person, how can I live with myself," but in the guilt sense, such as "what if I caused my friend to get sick and he dies? how can I live with myself then?" Guilt is not a very helpful emotion at all and we OCDers misuse and misinterpret the emotion badly. It's only useful when we have done something deliberately bad and know it. In this case, you didn't do it deliberately, and you didn't know you were going to get sick the next day.

I remember when I first started seeing my therapist, and she asked what my dominant emotions were. I remember saying anxiety first, closely followed by guilt and shame. This disorder really preys on those emotions.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

by the way, I'm not sure if anyone is interested, but to help with my "I'm going to do it anyway" attitude when it comes to battling OCD, I made a list of 52 things I'd like to accomplish or do before my next birthday. I started on a blog on it - the link is in my signature. It's actually given me a lot of positive emotions, and each week I get really excited and look forward to whatever it is I get to accomplish for the week.

 

[gracealone]

Thanks for the prayers and kind/wise words Sad and KayKay. I truly do know that reassurance isn't the answer in this situation. I struggle with guilt/responsibility emotions a lot too. If someone is mad at me it's always my fault etc. I've had to just accept the things that you said KayKay. What is - is. There will always be things I can't prevent or change or undo as well as unwanted thoughts I can't unthink, only ignore.
The goals and things to accomplish list is a good idea, Sad as it helps those of us with OCD re-focus on other things. I'm always amazed at how I can be in an uncomfortable obsessive mode and then something happens to shift my attention like a phone call from a good friend and suddenly I've stopped obsessing without even noticing it.
Thanks again!!
Mitzi