Finding a spouse

[Torah]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

If the Father said no! would you have still married?

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?

 

[Luther073082]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

No my mother believes in a false God of her own creation, she has little idea of what prayer is or how to do it.

My father it is impossible to tell what he actually does believe. He never seems to want to speak of it no matter how much you may try.

Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

I don't know you would have to ask her.

BTW I think I know what you mean by this but the wording is sort of off. It almost sounds like you are asking mom and dad to pray and make sure God knows that he wants them to marry this person.

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?

No I would not have listened to them.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

No, I was thinking about doing it. However we where long distance and I felt it would be better to not ask then to try to do it over the phone. (Plus it would have given it away if I had called Melissa to ask to talk to her dad.)

I didn't feel so bad afterwards though. Her dad didn't ask for permission to marry her mother either and he married her mother when her mom was 17. (Melissa was 27 when we got married).

If the Father said no! would you have still married?

That would have been up to her. I would have.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?

No, most likely my mother would have suggested someone that is not a Christian.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?

Not possible as my parents don't attend church.

No offense, but I always wonder why people carry this assumption that if you are a Christian you grew up in a Christian family.

I guess maybe thats because its usually true. But its definatly not in my case. I was never exposed to the gospel until I went to college. I went to a Lutheran University, primarly because of the education and I knew people who where there. It was only there that I heard the gospel, thanks be to God. However when I entered that university (before hearing the gospel) I was an atheist. My parents and my brother I would qualify as diests.

 

[McScribe]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?


No. First of all, my parents are divorced; I have little to no contact with my mother, who lives in another city and neglected me during my early years anyway. Secondly, while my father respects my religious beliefs, he doesn't pray on his own.

Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?


My wife has a strained relationship with her parents as well. This is a second marriage for us and we were hardly leaving home to get married.

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?


See above.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

See above.


If the Father said no! would you have still married?


Yes.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?


The notion is too bizarre to imagine.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?

I would think that they were Pod People.

 

[xDenax]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

My parents practically threw me at him. We dated for five years and they were more then sure that we were a good match. I don't know if God factored into their minds or not. Probably for my mother.

Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

My husband is an atheist, so no, he wouldn't have asked them to pray nor would he care about what God thought.

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?

Our parents wouldn't say that unless they have a very very serious reason. So in that case I would have had to give some thought to why they didn't want me to get married. I don't think I would have ever put myself in that position in the first place.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

Yes, he asked.

If the Father said no! would you have still married?

At that point? Yes. I was not the property of my father.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?

It depends on the situation. They never did so I don't know what they would have picked out for me. Neither of them have very good judgment though I didn't know how bad it was when I was younger.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?

Again, it depends. If I already had my eyes on that boy then I may consider it. If I didn't...I'd probably blow it off. My dad didn't go to church and I'm sure my mother would think it's odd for a parent to go to another parent and ask about their kid marrying her kid.

 

[Bob in Shumway]

Now, I've been married twice, so I will answer for both marriages. Note; My first wife died from a home invader.

"Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?"

1.No at that time in history neither of my parents wanted anything to do with me.
2. My mom was happy, though not a believer she said it was time.

"Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?"

1. No, as they were also non-believers.
2. Yes

"If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?"

1. Her father.

"Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?"

1. Yes I did, and he told me "Your not allowed to marry my daughter". I can still remember his statement after all these years. We got married anyway, and were very happy till her death.
2. Yes, and he happily gave his permission.

"If the Father said no! would you have still married?"

1. Yes and we did.
2. He gave his permission.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?

1. Nope, as I stated earlier, my parents had nothing to do with me.
2. No, as they live in a different state, but we talk once a week.

"What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?"

1 & 2 Now that is plain funny I know your being serious but, a 52 year old man??

Bob
Ezekiel 16:8 Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine.

 

[Torah]

As believing parents would anyone consider taking an active [such as these listed] roll in choosing a spouse for your young adult? In other words when you are in the roll as Father and Mother would you want to take and have an active roll such as these listed?

 

[moonkitty]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?


No
Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?


No
If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?


NO. My parents really didn't like my hubby when they first met him. They wanted me to marry a nice country boy and not a yankee.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

Nope. I was 21 when I met my hubby and had been living on my own since I was 17. Why would my hubby needed to have asked my dad?


If the Father said no! would you have still married?


Yep.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?


No way.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter? [/QUOTE]

I told them they were crazy and I'd be the one choosing my spouse since I will be the person living with said spouse.

 

[moonkitty]

As believing parents would anyone consider taking an active [such as these listed] roll in choosing a spouse for your young adult? In other words when you are in the roll as Father and Mother would you want to take and have an active roll such as these listed?

The active role I take as a parent is teaching my children to look for good qualities in a future spouse. Don't be fooled by a pretty face. Look for red flags like when a person gets too clingy to early in a relationship or gets jealous over little things.

 

[blythe_ann]

The active role I take as a parent is teaching my children to look for good qualities in a future spouse. Don't be fooled by a pretty face. Look for red flags like when a person gets too clingy to early in a relationship or gets jealous over little things.

YES. I'm not a parent yet, but I think that is what a parent should do, teach them so they can make their own decisions with as much knowledge as possible.


And to answer the OP, our parents had little to do with our relationship, they liked the other person but didn't like when we got married. My husband did ask for my dad's blessing, but was planning on marrying me regardless. We were just going to have to do it a little differently than how it was done if he would have said no.

 

[Rebekka]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?
No. I was agnostic when I met my husband, and my dad's an atheist.


Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?
No.

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?
I would have listened to my own parents (definitely not to his parents!) to hear if their objections were in any way valid, but I would have always followed my own conscience, not theirs. I have no objection to someone marrying against their parents' wishes - you're responsible for your own actions so it's your duty to make sure that the one you're going to marry is the right person.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?
No, and it's good that he didn't, otherwise I would not have married him. I could never marry someone who didn't see me as my own person, my own property. My dad has nothing to say about whom I marry, there is no permission to give. The man who asks my father's permission is not the right man for me.

The sexism of this habit repulses me. Not just the fact that apparently parents have a say in the marriages of their children - why only the dad's permission - does mum not have a say? And why don't the brides ask the groom's parents' permission???

If the Father said no! would you have still married?
Well, if there had been asked for permission I would not have married. But I can't imagine that my husband had asked for permission. And I'm sure that my dad would never give someone permission to marry his daughter if he had the nerve to ask for it! Because my dad thinks about it the way I do.


Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?
Not if I'd already made my own choice. I can't imagine my parents suggesting I marry someone so it's hard for me to answer this question.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?
Good one!

 

[actionjaxon]

With all due respect:

You see, the problem with this, is that too many people get misguided when it comes to who they're supposed to marry. I've known MANY people who claim "God told me I'm supposed to marry him (or her)". The same is true for parents. Parents are biased anyway.... sometimes... my parents were, but they're not saved either.

I asked my FIL for my wife's hand in marriage, this I believe in. And it was more so "Would you be ok with this".... it's not chauvinistic by any means. Whoever said that clearly doesn't understand what its like to be the guy wanting the approval of your future wife's father. You have no idea what it's like... so don't tell the rest of us guys that we're sexist for asking this of our potential Father-in-Law. It has nothing to do with property, but everything to do with whether the girl's Dad thinks we're an alright guy or not. So, don't go get offended by us this whole "question". Frankly, I'm quite offended at your ignorance about this. Well, not really, but I suppose I could be.

 

[xDenax]

My husband talked to my dad before proposing and I know he certainly doesn't think of me as property. Actually, he talked to all four of our parents before proposing.

 

[Created2Write]

Before you got married did you ask your Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

No, I didn't. My mom was praying already, and my dad dreaded the idea of me getting married, so I left it at that. I prayed every night before I went to bed for the right man to come along, and once a man did, I prayed and asked God if he was the right one.

Did your spouse ask there Father and Mother to pray to make sure G-d wanted you to marry this person?

I have no idea. I doubt it, though.

If either set of parents would have said they did not believe this person was the one you should marry would you have listen and not married said person?

Heck no. Firstly, I'm a legal adult, and I can make my own decisions. I do not need either parents permission to get married. Secondly, I would hope that the parents would trust him and I enough to make the right choice, since they raised us to do so. Thirdly, if either set came to either of us and said they didn't think we were right for each other, it would have only pushed us closer together.

Did the man ask permission from the Woman’s Father to marry his daughter?

Didn't need to. My dad looked at him after we'd been dating a few months and said, "Jason, here's the thing: no deposit, no return. You take her, she's yours." We considered that our blessing.

If the Father said no! would you have still married?

My dad would never have said no. If he had, then yes, we still would have married. He would not have had a legitimate reason to say no, and therefore, we would not have had a legitimate reason to not marry.

Would you have considered a person that your parents suggested?

My mom suggested the man who is now my husband when we were twelve. lol. To answer the question though, no, I don't think I would have.

What if your parents come to you and told you they had been approached by the parents of a young person in your Church, and they were interested in you marrying there son / daughter?

I would have laughed.

 

[Created2Write]

With all due respect:

You see, the problem with this, is that too many people get misguided when it comes to who they're supposed to marry. I've known MANY people who claim "God told me I'm supposed to marry him (or her)". The same is true for parents. Parents are biased anyway.... sometimes... my parents were, but they're not saved either.

I asked my FIL for my wife's hand in marriage, this I believe in. And it was more so "Would you be ok with this".... it's not chauvinistic by any means. Whoever said that clearly doesn't understand what its like to be the guy wanting the approval of your future wife's father. You have no idea what it's like... so don't tell the rest of us guys that we're sexist for asking this of our potential Father-in-Law. It has nothing to do with property, but everything to do with whether the girl's Dad thinks we're an alright guy or not. So, don't go get offended by us this whole "question". Frankly, I'm quite offended at your ignorance about this. Well, not really, but I suppose I could be.

This is a great post.

And what about the girl who DOES desire the man to ask her father's permission? I was lucky. My dad just came out and gave it, and my husband is like my dad's second son. I'm kind of offended at the idea of me being property simply because my husband was going to ask my dad's permission. It's ridiculous. It's not a matter of property, it's a matter of what was best for us.

And frankly, it isn't sexist. Old-Fashioned is more accurate, and even that isn't the proper wording.

 

[Rebekka]

I asked my FIL for my wife's hand in marriage, this I believe in. And it was more so "Would you be ok with this".... it's not chauvinistic by any means. Whoever said that clearly doesn't understand what its like to be the guy wanting the approval of your future wife's father. You have no idea what it's like... so don't tell the rest of us guys that we're sexist for asking this of our potential Father-in-Law. It has nothing to do with property, but everything to do with whether the girl's Dad thinks we're an alright guy or not. So, don't go get offended by us this whole "question". Frankly, I'm quite offended at your ignorance about this. Well, not really, but I suppose I could be.

I don't care if you're offended, I understand that people may be offended by my opinion as well as I may be by other people's, and that's OK, we're all different - and yes, I'm offended by the sexism behind this custom. Why don't you want your mother-in-law's approval? Why didn't your wife ask for your parents' approval? Doesn't their opinion count?

My husband is a guy but the thought of him asking my dad's permission never crossed his mind, not once - not all men are alike and not all women are alike. I have no idea what it feels like to be a guy, but I also have no idea what it feels like to be another woman than the woman I am. Frankly, I have no idea what it should feel like to be a woman, because all I know is what it feels like to be me, the individual that I am.

You're right to use the word "ignorance", as the whole asking the dad's permission thing is an American tradition (or an anglosaxon one), it is practically nonexistent in my culture, and the very few people who do this have these huge americanized weddings that are foreign to our culture as well. So I really am ignorant about this custom. But ignorance about someone else's culture shouldn't offend - I'm sure you're as ignorant about mine, but that doesn't offend me at all.

 

[actionjaxon]

I don't care if you're offended, I understand that people may be offended by my opinion as well as I may be by other people's, and that's OK, we're all different - and yes, I'm offended by the sexism behind this custom. Why don't you want your mother-in-law's approval? Why didn't your wife ask for your parents' approval? Doesn't their opinion count?

My husband is a guy but the thought of him asking my dad's permission never crossed his mind, not once - not all men are alike and not all women are alike. I have no idea what it feels like to be a guy, but I also have no idea what it feels like to be another woman than the woman I am. Frankly, I have no idea what it should feel like to be a woman, because all I know is what it feels like to be me, the individual that I am.

You're right to use the word "ignorance", as the whole asking the dad's permission thing is an American tradition (or an anglosaxon one), it is practically nonexistent in my culture, and the very few people who do this have these huge americanized weddings that are foreign to our culture as well. So I really am ignorant about this custom. But ignorance about someone else's culture shouldn't offend - I'm sure you're as ignorant about mine, but that doesn't offend me at all.

I'm not really offended. I said I wasn't.

The reason I didn't ask my Mother-in-law for her approval is simple: My wife's mom left her when she was 13, and has been living off the radar for the last 10 years. We're still not sure how to contact her.

The reason that my wife didn't ask for my parent's approval is also simple: They already told me that they could care less who I married, what I do with my life is of my concern, according to them (yes, they are unbelievers).

For me, the reasons why you branded this custom as sexist is very understandable. This custom does indeed have roots in a sexist and chauvinistic era. However, this is not the case anymore. Asking my FIL for my wife's hand in marriage was nothing more than asking his blessing, like I said, it had nothing to do with property, but everything to do with whether he thought I was an alright guy or not.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Now we're both a little less ignorant, yes?

 

[Rebekka]

Thanks for explaining, actionjaxon. And yes.