Find myself distancing... because of guilt.

[DayCay]

In short premarital sex. started out fun... now i'm feeling guilty. Tried remaining celibate. We knew each other before I got saved and the sex was good. Now I'm guilty and miserable. Both of us are. Mentioned starting all over and not
having sex, didn't go over well. help!

 

[tessas212]

If he loves you, he will respect you and your decision to abstain from premarital sex in the future.

The best advice I have been given was this: Guilt is counter-productive and destructive. It is a useless emotion that does nothing but harm.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. -Emerson

Don't beat yourself up for your past mistakes. It is not the mistake that will be judged, but the actions following it.

You are your partner must come to agree on this. And although you may love him, you must do what is right for you. You have tried to recommit to abstinence before marriage, and I respect that SO much. Don't change that. Don't compromise.

I hope and pray your partner will come to agree on this same will to abstain from sex. If not, my only advice to you is.. well, people change and sometimes remaining and living the same lifestyle only holds you back.

 

[DayCay]

I got really emotional reading your reply. Which makes me realize that i've pretty much known along what I should do. And that is where most of the guilt comes from. And fear. Fear that he might be the only one that will ever want to marry me. I'm 41, have a beautiful grand-daughter and a wonderful and supportive family. But I still find myself worried about being alone for the rest of my life. I'm rambling.... Thank you again for your words of wisdom, they are much appreciated. Godspeed.

 

[DanC922]

If he loves you, he will respect you and your decision to abstain from premarital sex in the future.

The best advice I have been given was this: Guilt is counter-productive and destructive. It is a useless emotion that does nothing but harm.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. -Emerson

Don't beat yourself up for your past mistakes. It is not the mistake that will be judged, but the actions following it.

You are your partner must come to agree on this. And although you may love him, you must do what is right for you. You have tried to recommit to abstinence before marriage, and I respect that SO much. Don't change that. Don't compromise.

I hope and pray your partner will come to agree on this same will to abstain from sex. If not, my only advice to you is.. well, people change and sometimes remaining and living the same lifestyle only holds you back.

I agree except for this:

The best advice I have been given was this: Guilt is counter-productive and destructive. It is a useless emotion that does nothing but harm.

I made a post a while ago that is very applicable to this. I'll just quote the whole thing.

At Passion 07, John Piper talked about not letting Satan use the guilt from sexual sin to ruin your dreams of serving God. Satan uses the guilt from failure to strip us from our dreams and leaves us with middle-class world-centered superficiality. That’s a lot of words that’s basically saying that Satan tries to convince us that, because of our sin, we are worthless and useless to God, so we might as well settle for the “American dream” of settling down and making a family and lots of money. But why should we settle for that spiritual mediocrity if God wants us to be on fire for Him and to be serving Him in everything? We don’t have to give in to Satan’s lies. We can overcome Satan’s trickery and return to the dreams of serving God that we have before failure.

Colossians 2:13-15 says, “When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.”

Our sin was entirely wiped away when it was nailed to the cross with Christ. We no longer have to worry about being condemned because of our failures in sin. Satan has been disarmed of his powers over us, and we are set free from sin. Because of Christ’s sacrifice for us, we are no longer bound by sin.

A lot of people tend to think guilt is bad. However, guilt is actually very good. Guilt is like a mental pain. If we didn’t have physical pain, we would have likely been dead long ago because we wouldn’t know when something is wrong with our bodies. Guilt is mental pain. If we didn’t have guilt, we wouldn’t know when something is wrong with us spiritually. However, you must do something about the guilt. You can’t let Satan take control of that guilt and turn it into a mistake that destroys your dream. Don’t throw your life away because of sin.

We need to have “gutsy guilt.” Gutsy guilt is having the guts to say no to Satan and make something happen out of your guilt. Pick yourself up after a mistake, and make something of it. Learn not to make the same mistake again, and take it to Christ and allow Him to bring good out of it.

Micah 7:8 – “Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.”

 

[tessas212]

I agree except for this:

I'll explain myself further.

I agree. Guilt is a sign of remorse and morals. It is knowing you've done something wrong and feeling sorry for doing so.

However, when I say guilt is counter-productive and destructive, what I mean by this is that guilt should not be a lasting feeling. Too much of hte time people hold on to guilt. They may beat up on themselves, blame others, etc. And so long as you hold on to that guilt, you are still holding on to something that will make it very hard to actually pick yourself back up from your mistake and move on.

EX: Yesterday I made somewhat poor choices that lead to a small punishment. Yes, at first I felt guilty and placed the blame on myself. This guilt almost made me start beating up on myself for that mistake, but immediately my mind repeated that quote of mine in my head. I stopped feeling guilty, realized I can't change the past, and learned my lesson. If I would have held on to that guilt, I would have never fully learned my lesson and been happy again. I would have remained sad and feeling guilty, blaming and beating up on myself for the mistake, rather than moving on. THIS is what I mean when I say guilt is counter-productive and destructive.

I think in the end my qoute is more about being in control of your own happiness.

 

[DayCay]

Since one of the many ways Satan works on me, is beating myself up and wanting to give in/give up, I totally agree and will try to remember this quote as I go through this trial. Thank you so much for showing me the love of Jesus.

 

[ExDrip]

when my girlfriend and I first got together we got a little crazy, and soon realized it was wrong. We took small steps backwards to the point now where we barley kiss anymore, and really, its not that important to me. Whats important is being with her and staying pure until the day she gets a ring!

 

[BeanMak]

May I ask, why don't you just get married?

 

[divalishous]

I am experiencing a very similar struggle. I have a sordid past, in which I looked at sex very casually. Now that I have rededicated my life to God I am struggling in my current relationship with keeping things chaste. I have expressed to my boyfriend a desire to not have sex until I am married and he is very supportive of this.
The problem is, that he is away a lot for his work (like 1300 miles away for a month at a time) and we talk on the phone every night before bed. Sometimes (actually more often than not here lately) the conversations turn to sex and they get very explicit. My question is how do you go back?
I desperately want to abstain until marriage and everybody talks about boundaries, but what are the boundaries specifically?
My struggle is that I am a very sexual person, which is probably uncommon for most females and I am seeking to find out how to quiet my own sexual urges, as I presume you might be also OP?

 

[oneamanda2]

This happened with my boyfriend and I, and we decided that we were going to stop doing it until we get married. We are smart enough to know that we are not yet mature enough to get married, so we are waiting. It is hard if you think about it a lot, but if you focus on God, He will give you strength.

 

[Ceili]

I have alot of trouble understanding this type of thinking,sorry and I'll just say a prayer you are secure with your self again. If I say more, I may push my own morals so I won't attempt it.

 

[Weasel7711]

On the topic of guilt, read 2 Cor 7

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2 Corinthians 7;&version=49;

 

[2theBone]

Here is a great truth for you.

Almost everybody has pre-marital sex, they just don't admit it.

They lie and say they waited for marriage.

So, your honesty opens you up far more than is usual and you criticize yourself based on a false standard.

Only your honesty is unusual. Pre-marital sex is normal and, in itself, does no harm.......it is the worrying about it that does harm.

We should be concerned about promiscuity, not pre-marital sex.

Promiscuity does harm in many ways. It does not appear that you are promiscuous and that is good.

Try to identify your REAL problem. Through counseling you may find ways to accept the possibility of being alone. It is nothing to fear. Huge numbers of people go through life without a partner and some find it preferable.

 

[DanC922]

Here is a great truth for you.

Almost everybody has pre-marital sex, they just don't admit it.

They lie and say they waited for marriage.

So, your honesty opens you up far more than is usual and you criticize yourself based on a false standard.

Only your honesty is unusual. Pre-marital sex is normal and, in itself, does no harm.......it is the worrying about it that does harm.

We should be concerned about promiscuity, not pre-marital sex.

Promiscuity does harm in many ways. It does not appear that you are promiscuous and that is good.

Try to identify your REAL problem. Through counseling you may find ways to accept the possibility of being alone. It is nothing to fear. Huge numbers of people go through life without a partner and some find it preferable.

God's standard is not a false standard. Just because most people don't wait for marriage doesn't mean we should just give up on obeying God.

 

[2theBone]

God's standard is God's, not yours.

The standard is love, not slavery.

Promiscuity hurts people.

Pre-marital sex does not.

Any problems come from those who would condemn.

Such condemnation, of course, is hypocrisy.

The real humanitarian issue (one that would concern Jesus) is how do huge numbers of older unmarried women (who will never marry) have intimate relationships with men?

Jesus would spurn harsh legalistic attitudes about this.