Finally learned of the Affair!

[MLS3026533]

Well, I finally learned that my husband did in fact sleep with another woman. I'm thankful that we were finally honest with each other. We are finally both committed to the relationship and moving forward. But, yet I'm still in so much pain, I think about it all the time. I wonder if he thinks about her anymore, what they did together. I don't know how to grieve this loss and move past it. Does it just take time? He is being very supportive, patient reassuring and loving. But I'm haunted by it even when we're intimate.

I'm so thankful I've been given a second chance with our marriage and even though I had the affair first, I have now changed, given my life to the Lord and want to get past all this.

 

[karla]

Praying for you both

 

[Crazy Liz]

 

[Yitzchak]

I guess I look at my spouse's faithfulness as a choice that she makes everyday. She doesn't choose me because every other guy in the world is just awful and unattractive. There are plenty of men who have all kinds of fun and desirable traits. But she chose me as her husband and invests in our relationship. Whatever connection that your spouse felt to this other person must have been something they valued or they would not have had the relationship. But even after experiencing the fun of that they still chose you and your relationship.

Anyway, I will pray for you. As simple as it sounds , you need to get over it and no one else can do or say anything to make you get over it.

 

[Leanna]

Try www.marriagebuilders.com. It is a helpful website dealing with marital unfaithfulness. Also, don't just bury or forget about it, you will probably need counseling and now is the time!!

 

[MLS3026533]

Thank you for the web address. I want to work through the pain and deal with it. I'm not sure you just get over it, but I'm hopeful. I would like to get to a point in my marriage where she isn't with us anymore in my thoughts.

But, I must remember that he did choose me, he could have left and I know he struggled with leaving for quite some time.

Thank you for the prayers, all very much appreciated..

 

[seebs]

By most accounts, it mostly just takes time. That he decided to work things out really is what matters. My spouse and I both slept with other people before we married, but we're the ones we married, so that sort of suggests where our affections and interest lie.

 

[Munchkinprincess]

My heart goes out to you...I've been there. Although my husband didn't sleep with another woman, he did have a "relationship" with her. It started as friends and escalated to kissing and touching and sharing feelings I didn't even know he had. But, he did admit it and the relationship only lasted a week and a half. He did struggle with whether or not he wanted to continue in our marriage, though. Ultimately he chose me and now, four months later, he tells me he doesn't think of her much anymore. When he does it's a fleeting thought and it's gone. I think if your husband is willing to move on in your marriage, then he is willing to put her behind him. He may think of her from time to time, but if all goes well between the two of you, she will be but a bad memory. I definitely struggled in the beginning, especially when we were intimate. I constantly obsessed over it and "her". I constantly wondered if he was thinking of her and comparing, but I eventually just got over it and put my focus on God and repairing our marriage. Anytime I thought of her and what had happened, this is what I said (aloud, too): "Devil, get out of my head!" and I'd concentrate on something more productive. I knew it was the devil trying to tell me the opposite of what I felt God was trying to tell me. Only the devil will bring up the past. Just keep that in mind. Counseling might not be a bad idea, either. We didn't do counseling, but I think every couple is different. We got over it our own way. The trust is not there anymore, but there is plenty of love and we are trying to make God the third person in our marriage, not her.

I'll keep you (and your husband) in my prayers...

 

[SirKenin]

He is being very supportive, patient reassuring and loving

I can't imagine why. What are his options if he isn't? Bachlerhood isn't exactly appealing to most.

I sincerely wish you the best. I know first hand how much you must be hurting right now and I know the Lord will give you strength if you ask for it. On the other hand I will be equally understanding and supportive if it gets the better of you and you choose a new direction in your life.

 

[MLS3026533]

Thank you so much, the truth given here is such a source of strength for me when the world is telling us to leave our marriages.

The sad thing is, my guard is up all the time. He lied to me for 3 months, saying he had only kissed her and then secretly calling her and texting her. I now find myself just waiting for him to call her again (because the truth is always revealed) waiting for him to make that one wrong move. It's like I've told myself and God that I won't do it anymore if I catch him again. I feel like the last 3 months of my life as been ONE BIG LIE! I've practiced all that I've learned with showing love to him and he was always with her in his mind. I just keep secretly hurting and waiting...

 

[Serving4Christ]

Well, I finally learned that my husband did in fact sleep with another woman. I'm thankful that we were finally honest with each other. We are finally both committed to the relationship and moving forward. But, yet I'm still in so much pain, I think about it all the time. I wonder if he thinks about her anymore, what they did together. I don't know how to grieve this loss and move past it. Does it just take time? He is being very supportive, patient reassuring and loving. But I'm haunted by it even when we're intimate.

I'm so thankful I've been given a second chance with our marriage and even though I had the affair first, I have now changed, given my life to the Lord and want to get past all this.

Please don't take this as harsh as it may sound. You move past it by extending the same forgivensss he extended you. You said you comitted the affair first. And I hear that he's being supportive of you...are you being supportive of him? I think you stand a good chance to reconcile and move past this. It's encouraging to hear you're open up to suggestions and motivated that you have another chance. Recognize that he may feel the same way about what you did. Forgiveness is a choice...you either do or you don't.

If you want to make it work...get past this by forgiving and moving on. You both flubbed up early in your marriage. Repent, aknowledge, and forgive.

I'll pray for strength and discernment to get past this.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Trust is essential. You may need to analyze what caused you both to cheat to begin with and work on those issues. If the core of the marriage has not changed history will repeat itself.


Change takes time and committment.

 

[E-beth]

It sounds to me that you feel what I felt when I learned of my ex's infidelity. The lying hurt just as much as the betrayal did. To me it was, if you have an affair, tell me the truth so I can deal with it. It's far worse to continue to lie to me, put my health in jeopardy, and make me feel like the emotional distance was my fault.

You need to heal. The trust has been broken, and there is probably some anger. It won't always feel like this. As long as you are both ready to rebuild, God will help you.

You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and set up some boundaries. Tell him that you will work on forgiving and moving on, but he has to realize that if it happens again it will be the last time. Demand accountability from each other and keep each other aware of how things might look to the other person.

I am praying for you too. If you need to vent, let me know.