Figuring out what to do next.

[question33]

My wife of 15 years ( & 3 childeren ) dropped a bomb on me and said she never wanted to marry me and only got married because she was pregnant. It seems that she always viewed herself as independent and never thought of getting married. I once made a comment that I was happy she got pregnant and we got married and she seemed to have carried it over the years as a testament on how I took her dreams away. My wife says she has been faking it over the years so that her children could have the good childhood that she never had. Now that they are getting older it seems she is losing her reason for the illusion. My wife is a very project oriented and tends to throw herself into a cause for a year or two then moves onto the next. She is an extremely socialable person and thrives meeting new people.

She says that she never felt real passion for me however she loves me and enjoys my company. She says she would not do anything to hurt me (she has in the past) and is willing to stay with me faking it. However she will not commit to for the rest of our lives. I have plenty of faults, however she cannot name any that I could change that would improve her situation.

This was about a week and a half ago. My world was crushed.. I am now approaching the apex of my career (big stress) and I find the driving force that pushed me to accomplish what I have has been swept out from under me. What hobbies I have seem to be silly and pointless at this point. For several days I had problems functioning with day to day tasks. My wife was cold at first but when she saw the shape I was in she tried to be supportive. Then she slipped into her old being the good wife routine.

After a week of fumbling emotional late night conversations I finally asked her what her exit plan was. She just stared at me and asked if she wasn't being a good wife. I said she let it out of the bag and it couldn't be put back in. That if we continued with no change that it would all it would just build up and something real bad would happen. That we needed to work through this no matter if the destination meant we were together or apart. She seemed afraid and relieved at the same time.

My wife does not like to show her deep emotions. It took 17 years for me to find out about this and I am a guy who doesn't mind talking about feelings. I know she has had extreme stress from her family ( currently & in the past), from a ministry she is involved in, from her current project which she loves ( Doing martial arts) & more than likely me. I have never been more happy being married and my love for her has done nothing but grow over the years. My life is somewhat in a shambles as I try to readjust my priorities and find new focus. I don't want to miss an opportunity here. Any suggestions on the steps we should take? I think she is willing work on this, I am thinking getting a counselor might help however, I don't think she would open up to a stranger (or a friend for that matter). I do know if I let things continue as they are they just going to get worse.

Any ideas?

 

[4Christ2]

Question,

First of all, I am deeply sorry for this "attack" on you and your family. I just want to remind you that as believers, it is not flesh and blood that we wrestle against - it is principalities, wickedness, and rulers of darkness in high places. The enemy is attacking families today and yours is his target. He is a liar and the father of lies and you must come against him. How do you do this? By putting on the whole armor of God - in particular prayer and faith in our Lord who can change all things. Satan is also the author of confusion and you are feeling confused an off-center. This is a ploy. God is your rock, your source, your strength. In God, the enemy has no foothold on your marriage or your family.

Seek the Lord diligently. Get in His word. Pray without ceasing. Trust and have faith in His ability, power, and might. He is greater than anything the enemy can throw against you.

Lastly, I think seeking godly counsel is a great idea. But it must be godly, not secular. What about your pastor? Are you and your wife believers?

 

[4Christ2]

P.S. No one can "fake" anything for 15 years! That is also a lie of the enemy. He is working inside your wife's head - her mind. Come against it in the mighty name of Jesus! I believe your wife loves you. After that many years, she just might need a "spark" of some kind. What did you give her for valentine's day?

 

[sdmsanjose]

It seems to me your wife has several issues but the one that pops up first is your wife has the WHAT IFS.

WHAT IF I am getting older and have missed something
WHAT IF I could have been with someone that I had passion for?
WHAT IF I am losing my independence?
WHAT IF I was forced into the marriage because I got pregnant?
WHAT IF the reason I got married was to give my children the childhood I never had?

Question33, if you want you can show this to Mrs. Question33


Mrs. Question33,

Here is what I see:

1 You can struggle with your WHAT IFS and try to balance yourself on the fence and be miserable.
2 You can use your WHAT IFS to delude yourself and break up the family
3 You can realize that your WHAT IFS and the other issues are destructive and DO WHAT EVER YOU HAVE TO DO to make you and your family better

Mrs. Question33, you are at the beginning stages of damaging yourself, and your family so deeply that you will carry the damage for the rest of your life. Find someone in your area that has experience with this kind of situation and has followed the principles of Christianity and is a winner. Find out what they did and DO IT! Don’t let your preferences get in the way, if it requires you showing your deep emotions then do it. Showing your deep emotions is one way of demonstrating passion. In fact do everything that your Christian principles require. You are probably in your 30s and you probably do not know how much damage you will do if you use your WHAT IFS and other issues that have you upset in the wrong way.

Mrs.’ Question33 you are a good woman, don’t let the BS issues delude you and damage your spirit and your family.

I know it is not all your fault but dealing with whose fault it is does not fix the problem. Do what God wants you to do and you will be blessed in the future.

I also thought that I was trapped because we got married because of pregnancy
I also thought staying in a marriage for the children was not in my best interest
I also am an extremely socialable person and thrive on meeting new people
I also did not want to commit to one person for the rest of my life

You see Mrs. Question33 ………I AM YOU!


Because of my WHAT IFS I finally started resenting my mate, I did not follow Christian principles. Here is short version of what happened:

1 Giving your emotions to another other than your spouse is extremely painful and ungodly.

2 Having your friend tell you that she saw your teenage son who is over 6 feet tall walking up and down the street with tears in his eyes and then failing school is extreamly painful.


3 Finding suicide notes in your daughter’s room is extremely painful


4 Being called at work and someone telling you that your 5-year-old son is crying, scratching his face and saying he is no good is extremely painful.


Your children will think the hurt in either the mother or the father is THEIR FAULT. You will not be able to convince them 100% that it is not their fault.

Those are a few of the extremely painful consequences that I will live with for the rest of my life.

Our God is an extremely loving, forgiving God that loves to administer grace and mercy. We finally choose to follow God and put Christian principles into action. God has restored us 80-90%. We did not deserve that much but God is a God of grace.

We (all 5 of us) are very close and my wife and I celebrated our 38th Wedding anniversary last December.

Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Do not let him in your house!!!

 

[question33]

Thank you for your replies. It's nice to know there are christians on the internet..

I decided to step back for a while until my emotions stablized a bit. I was not getting much sleep for a while and I didn't trust my judgement for a while.

I didn't know it was possible to love someone while at the same time not like them until lately. I think the thing that hurt me the most about the situation was that she made me doubt my love for her which has grown considerably in recent years. I found myself wondering if I should be out looking for someone else to spend my time with since she obviously had no interest in me.

In the end I ran into ephesians 5:25. When I read that verse it rocked me to the core. While it validated my feelings for her, I also realized that I was more than likely in for a very rough ride. The depth of that one verse still haunts me and I don't know how long it will take to understand the implications completely. I realized that I was beginning to hate the selfish, self centered sometimes near narcissistic person my wife was becoming. However I still loved her and my feelings were ok because that is what I am supposed to do. To love someone who harms you over and over has to be one of the toughest things to do.

My wife does not want marriage counciling, she says that they would just want her to quit the things she loves. She spends most evenings away from home on her projects, usually she is home at 10:00 or later. She may spend some time talking to me. Mostly it's her talking about everything she has done that day. They are one sided conversations. I maybe get 30 seconds in about my day. I think she still values my friendship, but does not like treating it like a true marriage. If I make observations about something that happens I am likely to be viewed as judgemental and she goes balistically defensive. I was concerned about how we were handling a situation with our teenage daugter. When I tried to talk to her about it on the phone she got almost viscious about how she could be possibly wrong. I do have a couple really obvious faults that I am trying to deal with... however when I asked if I tried to fix these faults if it would help the marriage. She says no.. then she proceeds to make faults where there are none. (I am controlling her, All our money is mine...)

There are positive things happening as well, she is still involved in her ministries and I think her christian female friends do have a good effect on her. However, the ones that are close by are not married or in relationships so I know that she will not open up to them. She has a missionary trip in a couple months that she will be taking with an older friend, a solid christian woman that she see's as a mother figure. I pray that something may come of that. I notice that if I don't say I love you for some time she will wind up saying it to me. If I don't contact her at the times I normally do she will wind up calling me. She also put off one of her projects to go on a trip with me out of state when she didn't have to. It's almost like she is caught between two worlds at this time.

I have decided that I will continue to try and be the best christian husband that I can be. I sometimes feel like I am on a train going downhill and can see that the bridge is out downhill but I can't get off. The question is.. at what point am I just commiting emotional suicide and I should just get off the train?

The worst part about it all is that I never wanted to take her independence. Most the things she wants are quite attanable within christian marriage. It's almost like she is in complete overdrive and just wants everthing now. And when she gets that she just wants more.

I am feeling much stronger now and am trying to get ready for the long haul...

God Bless you all.

 

[fulltime]

I have been going to couselling hoping that our torn apart marriage to be restored. I have learned that you cannot change a person who is happy with the way things are. Although she says she is FAKING it. God says Be content with what you have and make the best of every situation. Look at the positve side, you are not having to go through the emotional scaring of divorce. I will pray that your situation will get better.

 

[alabaster jar]

I wonder how many of us are in 'fake' marriages. . .

 

[c1ners]

I wonder how many of us are in 'fake' marriages. . .

But it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. You learn to live and deal with it.

 

[SpringFlower2]

I wonder how many of us are in 'fake' marriages. . .

A big can of worms that is...

Especially if "fake" includes "not for the right reasons" and "not honoring each other as Christ would want us to do"
I can see many of us needing to repent

Help us Lord.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

I can relate to "fake marriage"...and much else from these posts (not feeling real passion, staying only for the children, and all the what if's) However, in the past 6 or 7 years that I have been so self absorbed with these feelings and also giving myself emotionally to another man, I have been MISERABLE. I've recently come clean with my husband and broken it off with the other man and not only do I feel a tremendous weight has been lifted, but I feel something else...hope for my marriage, something I haven't had for a long time. Instead of having hope for a new life without my husband someday, I have hope for real strong passionate love with him. We're not there yet, but I am praying God will give it to us, especially now that I have repnted and promised to follow HIS will.

 

[ThisBloodsforU]

PS...your wife is Christian, remind her that her husband comes second only to God...even if she isn't happy about that, as a Christian she still needs to obey. While it's great that she has all those ministries and likes her independence, it's hurting you and as her husband you are entitled to have her put her effort into making the marriage RIGHT. If there is no passionate love on her end, she needs to commit to fixing the marriage.
Just my opinion....from someone who's been there.

 

[question33]

Thank you for the replies.


It's a lonely place where I am now and any feedback is good. I finally called an found a Christian councilor for myself since my wife would not go. It seems the path is getting more twisted the further we go and there are things in the game I did not comprehend. It seems that I did not realize the impact of some childhood issues she had. I now believe that it is not me but that she is not capable of Loving me like I love her. I think she can feel the rush of passion but not anything after. Like the cooler love of a couple who are companions in life. It requires a intimacy and closeness that she cannot handle.

I feel sorry that she has never felt what giving Love of the level I have for her is like. She just keeps acting like she doesn't understand why I love her. I know there is a long road ahead of me and I hope I can be strong enough to take it. I don't think she is purposely trying to destroy the marriage, but that she is desperately trying to find happiness in places where there will be none. It feels as though there is a script being played out that I have no control of and that she does not consciously control.

Thank you and God bless

 

[catesusmc]

You are strongly in my prayers, my heart goes out to you. i know the feelings you feel inside. Pm me if you need to talk, it's allways good to fellowship.

 

[fulltime]

After trying to deal with child memories it can put a person in confussion. So when a counseller questions a person about past child hood memories it gets the mind thinking. These emotions that she is feeling may not be aimed at you but, is what she is remebering and now its how to deal with those thoughts and emotions.I will pray for your situation.

 

[question33]

Actually, the biggest issue I have right now is that she has these unresolved issues and will not get counseling. She admits that she gets obsessed with projects. She admits that she cannot become emotionally attached to people outside a mother/child type situation. She admits that she knows she is strange. She knows she is different than other women and can't relate with them. She admits she does not understand where her feelings come from that drive her.

She has admitted details of abuse to me over the years. She has admitted that there is more that she will never tell anyone.

She is an excellent mother and she has thrown her entire life into being one. When she was young her parents had such severe physical and mental problems she took over mothering her younger siblings. When we got married and had children she it seems that she worked to be the perfect mother, whether it was real or just a act. She got involved in a campus ministry... and acts like a mother to the college kids. She also gets into other situations... She acts like a mother.

I am just trying to figure out if I can do anything for someone who can't take steps to try and try to change their life. It's obvious that she has missed out on a lot more than just the freedom of youth due to never reconciling her past. It truly makes me sad, but I fear it just make the whole situation even more unpredictable.

 

[brokenman]

I just recently found out that I too am in a "fake" marriage (for a lack of a better term). She told me that she only married me because she couldn't say no to me and that she didn't want her parents to be [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed that she backed out of a marriage (with all the bills and what not).

Be it I haven't been in this for 15 years, but I feel for you and will pray for you.

 

[question33]

Well, my wife and I went out Friday and when we got home she was a bit tipsy and said that she had written something down for me to read. I said I wanted to read it and she said it wasn't complete so I couldn't. Well I thought "If she mentioned it, she either wants me to read it or she is torturing me". So I asked again. And she let me. In it she basically stated how jealous of me that I got a career and she had spent her years with the kids. That I had gotten her pregnant to get her to marry me. And that only married me because my family had resources and knew that I would make something of myself. After I read it she looked at me like she was expecting me to blow. I already knew she blamed me for a lot so it was no big shocker to me. So then she says that she was thinking of just not coming back when she leaves the country on a trip she is leaving on in a few weeks. Then she flip flops to no she is not. So I ask her, isn't it a little cruel to use me to get what you want then just leave? She says she doesn't have the money to get her own place and support herself. Now she just doesn't commit to anything.

She pointed out a couple things in her letter. One that she had a huge problem with my drinking. (Which I have quit on my own in the last few weeks). And that she always wished I spent more time with the kids. (I started doing that on my own after all this started. I was lonely). When this all started she stated that I could change nothing to improve the situation. (Talk about stacking the deck against me... I guess I have to randomly change myself to reach her expectations?)

The next day I went through the things she blamed me for like getting her pregnant to keep her. (I was a dumb kid deep in love at the time and couldn't plan 2 days ahead. I don't think I could hatch a master plan like that). The Career thing? She quit her job after I graduated and said she was sick of working. That it was my responsibility to provide. And I did it.

I suddenly realize that I don't know if it matters what I do. It seems that she may have decided what she wants to do and just keeps changing things to try and match her world. We are actually communicating more now then ever. However it seems to be frustrating her more than anything. And whenever we finish she acts strange for a day or two then shuts herself in again.

One thing that really bothers me is that there were some things we did together before we were married that disturbed me. I talked to her about them last night. She says she can't remember those events. That just scared me.

...

 

[mommyphotographer]

I really feel for you. You are a very open man and that is so refreshing. My husband is not talkative and I need to hear his heart like that. Just keep loving her and letting her know your not going to leave NO MATTER WHAT and she will see your for real. But keep seeking others for help. This will also make her see you do need to talk and maybe she will not want you to talk to others but her and maybe she will open up more. I have been thru some bad things when i was a child and i also dont like to open up deeply but in my case i did open up to my husband and later on it was thrown back at me. he has hurt me in so many way with him looking at porn and this makes me realize he isnt in this marriage because he dont love just me. and that really hurts.
but I wanted to make a comment on one thing you said. you said her parents had mental illness and although you love your wife and never really seen signs of this before. you might want to not run out that she may be having some trouble with that also. Things like that can be passed on for sure but if she were to see a doctor she might be able to get some medicines to help her moods.
I will say a prayer for you. and keep us posted on how things are going. I know how this must be really hurting you. but remember what God wants from you and dont walk away just becuase of something she said to you. She might be just crying out for more love and more attention from you. Women are funny sometimes. we like to say things to see how you react and see if you would react like a man who really loves us or would react in a way that comfirms the thoughts in our heads that maybe you dont really love us. I dont know but maybe she is just testing you to see if your love is for real. I will keep you in my prayers and God knows what your going thru. you have Him to talk to and lean on. He can give you peace like no other person can. but i do know it is nice talking to someone who can tell you from their prespective what they think and what they are going thru and how they would handle it or how they learned from it.

 

[spiersdodgerblue]

Yes women are funny. The reason your wife might be aloof for 2 days after you two talk is cause she has exposed herself to you like she has not before and it is scary to her (your reaction, her reaction) she might feel shame cause she has not done this before, new ground for her. We that are closed to our mates for years that have blurted out what we think are, our feelings might just be testing the waters. Or might be trying to tell you something way different. For someone that does not work, she stays out late, do you think she could be seeing someone else? And this is her way of trying to tell you as strange as it my seem. Those of us that have child abuse in our past have a very hard time saying what we really mean. It never seem to come out right so sometimes we quit. Some times it is because life is changing for us and we done know why. This might not even make sense to you and if it does not I'm sorry.

Do you pray with you wife at the same time?
Does she pray out loud?

I'll pray God gives you understanding and peace.

 

[question33]

Been a while....

Thank you for the replies and the prayers. I like the insight into how a person who has been abused thinks. It gives me the opportunity to love a person who otherwise I might not be able to.

I have read about how people who have been abused can react differently. My wife fits a lot of the stereo typical things that I have read. But I fear this time she will break me and I can't allow it because we have three children. The pure viscousness of her current personality currently is horrid. It is hard to see anything of the Wife that I was so proud of a year ago. I suppose she could be having an affair.. or not... if so I will be the last to know. But as she seems not to be able to have a close personal relationship with anyone currently it won't be a long one.

Since I last posted, Things just keep getting worse. I believe that it has reached the point that I am the enemy in her mind. Looking back over the last few months I realize she has been working up a nasty vision of me in her mind. I don't know that I have any redeeming qualities left in her mind at this point.

I think by my just having knowledge of some of her past issues and going to counseling has freaked her out. Every week I go to counseling... Every week things get worse. We went out of town together alone this last weekend. Things were ok for a bit. Then after a social gathering one night we went back to the hotel room and hung out with some kids (early 20's) from the military down at the hot tub. I was tired and went upstairs and went back down about 2 am to check on her. She was still down there came back up with me and came unhinged. I can't remember everything that was said that night as it was long ordeal. It started out with "You take away all my fun" to "I don't like you because you don't like to socialize like me" on and on till "I don't want a relationship with you". She stated weird things like "I don't want to be a mother to you?" (I am starting to think that she views all her relationships as either friends or mother/child relationships). I tried various means to try and reach some sort of agreement to keep the family together. She finally agreed she would ( I think "might" is more accurate ) stay for the kids with ultimatums on me. She says we were never supposed to be more than friends. She had this strange wonderland built in her head that we could split up and she could come home when she wanted to play house then be free to do whatever the rest of the time. She was not happy when I explained that my love was not a switch to just be turned off. That it need to be killed or buried. And that it was likely that I would wind up hating her at least for a period of time.

I can't talk to her on a personal level anymore without her instantly going on the offense. Simple concerns about her health are me being intrusive. Forget about me asking about any plans she has. She can't take me kissing her on the cheek or holding her hand or even hugging anymore. She now views all affection and sex as something with strings attached or that makes her demeaned. What ever demon is haunting her is killing our marriage and perhaps our family. I have reached the point where I don't have anything left emotionally to hand out. I am just trying to be the friend she wanted so my children don't have to live without their mother. I just don't think about her. I avoid thinking about all the years of the marriage so I don't fall apart. My life now is just living from day to day. I am friendly to her but I keep conversations short and can't look at her for a long period of time. I am afraid I will just fall in love with her again like I have a hundred times over the years.

My counselor was telling me that I needed to the rock in the relationship while she wavered so she would have a point of reference. After our last meeting I think he sees just how low I have been driven. For a while I was afraid I was the one who would have a break-down not my wife.

Looking back I see that she always was testing me to see if I "really" loved her. Year after year I was tested and I think this spring I failed the test once and she shut the door. My wife trusts no one and the funniest thing is she trusts people she has just met more that people she knows. I think that it's because they have not failed her in some way yet.

Soon I am going to ask her to split the finances so that she is more equally yoked with the responsibilities I currently carry. Currently in the fantasy land she lives in she gets a lot of free time to do whatever interests her and I pay for it. She gets to chase her dreams and I pay for it. It didn't bother me to give her these things when I thought she wanted me. Now I am just being used. Maybe I just gave to much to her over the years. I think there is a good chance she will leave when her fantasy starts falling apart. I don't think I will allow her to come back unless she gets counseling first. She has spent her life running from her hell and now she has dragged me through it with her. If she were only brave enough to go to someone to try and work through some of it she might have a chance at a better life.

I thought this was all a more viscous version of the "Do you really love me" game she ran occasionally over the years. I don't know that it really matters at this point as the stakes have gotten so high I can't play anymore. My children are in the balance and I will let her drift off to her self imposed hell before I let them pay.

I will try to be her "Friend" as long as I can without jeopardizing the children. I will try to leave a door open if she can bring herself to face whatever is driving her. I think all I have been for some time is a pawn in a predetermined play that she had made up in her head. If you say a prayer say one for her first. I still have my faith and believe God will bring me through. She has all but told me that she has lost hers and that God has failed her.

Thank you.