Fighting Against Failure

[therebelprophet]

*****FYI*****
This is actually a double posting. I posted this in the thread "My (Interactive) Blog" and then I started it as a new thread as well because this topic could take up quite a substantial amount of space and I feel that it would best be served in a separate thread. You will find the "first" post of this thread posted below, in slot #2.

 

[therebelprophet]

Like a merry-go-round, spinning and spinning until you're sick. It always seems to be spinning a lot faster than you feel like it is. Until. you. stop. Man that sounds like fun. Then why am I not smiling?

How do you open up when you're not sure you have doors anymore? How do you give 100% when even 1% is a stretch? How do you miss someone you haven't seen for over a year? How can you miss people who don't miss you? How do you serve God when you feel like you're such a failure as a Christian? Like a child caught up in the horror of his parents' divorce, it's all your fault. It can't be God. He's perfect. So it must be you. Wow.

There is such a great heaviness in me. Like I'm being dragged down by something. Yeah, this is familiar. I've previously described it as being "like a corpse fettered to my ankles" and as a "cold, dead thing that haunts me at the corners of my eyes". Prophetically, person after person has told me that she thinks about me, that she's so full of guilt that she doesn't dare approach me. I see it just the other way around. I feel like I've failed her. If I had done what I was supposed to do when she came back, then she would be better, right? I mean, seriously, how can you expect to shine like the Light in someone's life when you partake in their sin just as much as they do, if not more! I failed. I FAILED! If she never turns around it will be because I messed up, because I didn't pray enough for her, because I didn't stay "in the secret place", because I wasn't a light in her life! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!

How can you shine in someone's life if you smoke cigarettes and drink just like they do? How can you witness to them that they need to get their life right when you listen to hard rock and worldly music and curse like a naughty schoolboy? I screwed the whole thing! I...I... *tear runs down, looks away, clenches jaw*

Is there, is there balm in Gilead?
Tell me, tell me I implore!
Quoth the raven, Nevermore!

Is this all for nothing? Have I struggled in vain? Have I made a grand fool of myself? Have I yearned so painfully to see her whole and failed in the afterglow of my greatest success? *tears running freely, face twisted in pain and sorrow* All I wanted was to see her whole! Why, oh why, is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed!? Will the Lord of the Earth do what HE PROMISED ME!? Will the Judge of the whole Earth do what is just? Or will He deny me because I failed? Will He say, "Too bad, kid, the joke's on you. You just weren't good enough."?

I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. Waiting for the bad news to arrive. Waiting to be like Job. "What I have greatly feared has come upon me!" I'm waiting for her to die in sin, to be lost forever, to die prematurely. I'm waiting to be a widower before I was ever even married to her...how awful! Yet deep down, this is what I half expect. It would only be fitting that I lose in the end. Then what a story...it would fit the rest of my life perfectly. I'm never good enough. Even if I win, I still lose! Even when I do everything right, I still lose! No matter how hard I struggle, no matter how much I sacrifice, I always lose! I may survive, I may even get ahead a little bit in the process, but in the end...I lose. Every. time.

And people wonder why I fall into despair, why I can't seem to get things together! I'm scared! I'm petrified that I won't be good enough! Like that movie A Knight's Tale, I'm almost certain that at some point I will hear, "You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found WANTING."

Every day seems like a day closer to death. I can't reach out to God. It's just too much for me to handle right now. I can't reach out to Him and be restored to where I was before and then go to this horrendously vanilla church that I've been put in. Another great idea of God's. Freakin ay, man.

I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I just wanna go Home. I'm not mad at God. I know that He has good things for me, but I'm sure I'll only mess them up. Even if I do, does He have me covered? Even if I screw up EVERYTHING, does His grace cover even that? Will I still win even if I'm a total failure? This is where I am right now. Behind the mask. Behind all the positive thinking and starry-eyed looking toward the future, this is where I am. I am a failure at everything that I have ever attempted that was of any significance. How? Just...how? Is it even possible for me to be a winner? I'm so used to failing...how? How, how, how, how, HOW?

 

[Shazamataz]

I can't reach out to God. It's just too much for me to handle right now. I can't reach out to Him and be restored to where I was before and then go to this horrendously vanilla church that I've been put in. Another great idea of God's. Freakin ay, man.

God will reach out to you. He is your shepherd and He will leave 99 to find you. This trial is for a reason! You MUST believe that. Cling to the Lord... its the only way to make it through.

The words to "Here I Am" by Shawn McDonald... a source of encouragement to me during my darkest times. I hope they encourage you too. Don't even TRY to do it without Him.

I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

 

[Shazamataz]

I was reading a devotion from "God Will Answer" by Ron Susek last night and I thought of you... I don't know all of your situation but I hope that at least parts of it resound with you and lift you up somehow.

"You're heartsick. Once again you've failed. If only it were a new area of weakness; but no, its that same nagging place where you failed before. Your heart resounds that God is tired of your failure. You begin to believe its useless to pray.

Don't give up! Sin cannot become greater than God's grace. Yes, you failed. You're deeply disappointed in yourself. But don't let your heart say "I've failed again. I'm so weak, I may as well give in to this sin. I'll never be able to overcome it. I'm such a failure that my prayers don't count anyway."

Such thinking would have cost Rahab, the harlot, her own life and the lives of her family.

The reasoning of your heart is not the same as God's reasoning. Your failure didn't cause you to fall from the arms of grace. In fact, you can't fall from grace! If that were possible, then your sin would prove greater than God's grace. That's an impossibility; to be sure!!

An experience from my past reminds me of this. More than thirty years ago, I was a pastor in a small Pennyslvania town and had an urgent call from a family asking if I would take their daughter to the hospital. The girl's father had told her over and over not to go near the neighbour's dog, but the little girl wouldn' listen. She found the dog intriguing. She even thought she could be friends with it. She got too close, the dog attacked, and the results were gruesome.

The father jumped into my car, holding his screaming daughter in his arms. There were slashes across her forehead and gouges in her arms. Each time she opened her mouth to release another scream, gaping wounds opened like other mouths on her cheeks. Throught the trip her daddy held her tightly in his arms, repeating assurance, "its okay, baby, daddy's got you now. Daddy's with you. You're okay. Daddy's got you now."

He didn't say "look kid, I told you a thousand times not to go near that dog. What's the matter with you? How dumb can you be? I cannot forgive you anymore; in fact, this time I'm disowning you. I don't want to be around you anymore." No, the child's disobedience had brought on a terrible consequence, but nothing in the father's heart had changed. Her failure had only revealed the greater depth of her father's compassion. She was being rushed to the hospital wrapped in the arms of grace.

So it is with you and God. When you fail, God's arms of grace enfold you during the failure, not just after. Don't let failure encourage you to further surrender to sin. I'm sure the little girl gave up her intrigue with the dog and never returned to pet it again. Still, she was assured that the weight of her sin wasn't too great for her father's arms of grace.

So rise up and pray. Don't return to sin, but lay hold of your heavenly Father, thanking Him for the depth and security of His grace, which is infinitely greater. The only thing you'll hear from God is: "Its okay, Daddy's got you now!"

 

[therebelprophet]

God changed my name, did you know that? About a year ago, He told me to put it into action. Jeremiah Stormbreaker *bitter laugh* It used to be Daniel S. (not Stormbreaker) Now I'm Jeremiah. So I studied him. Studied his life. We are too alike, he and I. It's kinda creepy, to be quite honest. Here's where he was and where I am:

15[Jeremiah said] O Lord, You know and understand; [earnestly] remember me and visit me and avenge me on my persecutors. Take me not away [from joy or from life itself] in Your long-suffering [to my enemies]; know that for Your sake I suffer and bear reproach. 16Your words were found, and I ate them; and Your words were to me a joy and the rejoicing of my heart, for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts. 17I sat not in the assembly of those who make merry, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone because Your [powerful] hand was upon me, for You had filled me with indignation. 18Why is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you indeed be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail and are uncertain? (emphasis mine)​

Basically, Jeremiah said, "God, I did what YOU told me to do! I cut myself off from EVERYTHING but you and YOU let me down! Will even GOD be unfaithful to me?!"


Interesting, isn't it? What's even more interesting is God's response to Jeremiah:

19Therefore thus says the Lord [to Jeremiah]: If you return [and give up this mistaken tone of distrust and despair], then I will give you again a settled place of quiet and safety, and you will be My minister; and if you separate the precious from the vile [cleansing your own heart from unworthy and unwarranted suspicions concerning God's faithfulness], you shall be My mouthpiece. [But do not yield to them.] Let them return to you--not you to [the people]. 20And I will make you to this people a fortified, bronze wall; they will fight against you, but they will not prevail over you, for I am with you to save and deliver you, says the Lord. 21And I will deliver you out of the hands of the wicked, and I will redeem you out of the palms of the terrible and ruthless tyrants. (again, emphasis mine)​

So I know what I have to do...but I am sooooo unwilling to do it.

 

[StarryEyes]

"Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough for me!"

That's a good song; not only is it a good song, but it's true!

God loves you very much,
Amy

 

[JPPT1974]

Failure is not an option
So keep that in mind when you
Are at the end of your ropes!

 

[Amylisa]

Oh Jeremiah!!!

Any choices your friend makes, they are Her choice. That, you are NOT responsible for. You are repentant for things you did wrong. That is all that you can do.

I don't know how, but God uses ANYTHING that happens in our lives in His plan. It is amazing. It may take a Long time for you to see resolution in this. But your friend is not out of His reach. He has people cross her path, people praying for her that you do not even know about. Trust Him. I have found this out so many times....God has your friend in His palm. No matter how it looks.

I am sorry for the pain you are suffering. You are so young! Believe me, God is NOT finished with you yet. His mercies are reaching out to you. Sometimes we get so focused on our pain that we can't see Him. I have been there, too, honest. But this does not change the fact that He loves you and He is there. His heart aches for you. He bottles your tears. And your friend's.

Be assured, He is holding you up through this. Try to let go of the situation as much as you can, as far as trying to control or change it. Of course you can't change how you feel inside, missing her....all you can do is cry out your pain to God. And no it is not crazy to miss someone you haven't seen in a year.

God keep you. Lay down at Jesus' feet and just cry to Him. He forgives you. He loves you so much.

 

[Criada]

Brother, God loves you so much!
He just longs to wrap you in His arms and comfort you.
But first, you must let go.
Let go of this girl - God may bring her back - but that is not for now.
And you are not responsible for her salvation! God can do that - He can do it sovereignly, without any help from you!
He loves to use us - but do not believe that your disobedience can derail His plans!
All He asks of you is to come to Him as your Father - to climb into His lap and let Him love you.
You are not a failure - you are a precious son of the King of kings. And He does have plans for your life.
Sometimes He has to break us to remake us, to strengthem us and teach us to depend totally on Him.
You are a new creation in Christ, and you can do all things through Him who strengthens you.
So let Him heal you, let Him restore you, and keep running the race, with your eyes fixed only on Him.
And you will win - because He has already won for you.



I will pray for you.
God bless you.

 

[therebelprophet]

I know that I'm not responsible for her salvation or for her turnaround. It's all in God's hands. That has been proven to me a good many times over. I just wanna go Home. This journey's almost got the best of me.

I'll be okay. I'll make it. It just helps to vent sometimes. To ask the hard questions, the ones most people will never ask out in the open. I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed now or something.

 

[Amylisa]

I know that I'm not responsible for her salvation or for her turnaround. It's all in God's hands. That has been proven to me a good many times over. I just wanna go Home. This journey's almost got the best of me.

I'll be okay. I'll make it. It just helps to vent sometimes. To ask the hard questions, the ones most people will never ask out in the open. I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed now or something.

I think I understand. Just today, I said to a friend I am so ready for Jesus to come back, and that my heart is worn out.
God bless you, dear one. Get a good night's rest.