fiance's OCD

[Chris516]

I need to get this out of my system. Even though I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning.

If my fiance does not want to end our relationship, why is she only contacting me intermittently?

If I sound like I am whining, I am sorry to everyone.

But why would she still want a relationship, when she tells me to be with someone else, and tells me she can't give me what I want(which she has never told me, what she thinks I want).

We had the longest phone conversation(73mins.) that we have had in a long time. This was sometime after she had said about finding someone else, and not being able to give me what I want(again she didn't answer when I asked her what she thought I wanted).

I know that people with OCD go through times when, they feel they are better off alone. But in the case of my fiance, I am beginning to feel like a yo-yo.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I have actually said that to my husband at least once out of frustration and knowing that my OCD was in fact preventing me from being the type of wife he needed. I didnt really want him to leave but I was frustrated by my inability to control my OCD at that point. Hope this helps you understand....

 

[Chris516]

I have actually said that to my husband at least once out of frustration and knowing that my OCD was in fact preventing me from being the type of wife he needed. I didnt really want him to leave but I was frustrated by my inability to control my OCD at that point. Hope this helps you understand....

What about not communicating? There have been several stretches since Nov.'2011, where she won't return my calls or other forms of communication, for sometimes two weeks.

Do you ever stop talking to your husband, out of guilt about your OCD?

 

[RuthD]

I think you need to tell her about not communicating and why she does it. Praying for you and her.

 

[Chris516]

I think you need to tell her about not communicating and why she does it. Praying for you and her.

I have talked to her about it several times.

 

[kaykay9.0]

What about not communicating? There have been several stretches since Nov.'2011, where she won't return my calls or other forms of communication, for sometimes two weeks.

Do you ever stop talking to your husband, out of guilt about your OCD?

No, I havent. Basically you have to decide if this is something you can live with or not...or if she can change with some treatment, prayer etc. Is she getting any type of professional help for the OCD?

 

[Chris516]

No, I havent. Basically you have to decide if this is something you can live with or not...or if she can change with some treatment, prayer etc. Is she getting any type of professional help for the OCD?

I can live with it. I am just wondering, if it is common with OCD?

She did try Anafranil, about two years ago, and had bad side affects.

She was seeing a therapist. But that was more than six years ago. Because, It was before we knew eachother and became a couple.

 

[redblue22]

Not whining at all. I have certainly made people's lives hard and had it done for me. Usually it is mutual and in a system--and even if I step out they do not.

Sooooo, she doesn't talk at times and you want to talk about it. Interesting.

Does it have to be ocd? Could it be something else? Could be a million things.

She at least knows pretty darn sure what you want and isn't offering it.

Heck, I read a couple posts and know what you want. And I'm sure if you go on talking with her--and she is probably pretty smart about you--she knows what you want.

You think I don't know?

Let's see. You want her there and not to be gone at times. You want stability. You want her to change from how she's being now. You want to help her. You want to know if she wants a relationship. You want her to want you and stop guessing what else you want. You want her. You want her to stop telling you to leave. You want a decisive answer. You want love, acceptance, loyalty. You want your own needs met. You want things for her. You want to help meet her needs. You want her to not have ocd or other emotional or thought struggles. You want some peace and not stress or a yo yo. You want her to not be stressed and be so affected by that stress that comes with being a fiance, you want her to explain what she is up to, and why she is doing it and want her to talk about it, and her to listen, and her to know the answers.

I'm a betting man, and I'd bet that might be some of what she thinks you want. I'm sure you've already considered the darker options. And there are unreal ones where one of you wants two things and can't have both. Or she might need something from you that you aren't offering. Maybe she is afraid you won't accept something or love her or want something she is hiding. Maybe she is afraid she won't love or accept or whatever.

But it could be some indecisive attraction thing like out of some french old film that keeps you attracted. And if so, it is working. lol.

Sorry, just kidding a little. Well, some people do that and all sorts of stuff we wouldn't agree to knowingly. And maybe we even like that when people don't intentionally do it. You do like her, yes, and all this is part of her.

What on earth are you talking about for so long that is so stressful if not all about how you want her the way she is?

You have wants, but what do you think she needs? Can you step out of the loop of your wants and not be brought back in when she doesn't give you what you want? You sound pretty stressed about not getting what you want. But maybe you'll have to step away from that stress and do things like not talk about these things.

Assuming you really want her, stressing out and trying to get her to change might be sending the message that you don't want her. Which she would be right to say she can't give you what you want--if you don't really want her. Which is something to consider--because obviously you are getting that confusing message from her. So why wouldn't she get the same message back?

So, if you really want her. Go with that. Don't change her or try to get something. Let her offer what she does, and accept or refuse. But I would guess a good strategy might be to do what you can to change things by forcing yourself to have fun and peace--no matter how you yourself feel inside. You don't lower stress by stressing about it. If you want her, then your main message is that--not telling her you want something she isn't giving or for her to change. Unless what you are enjoying is helping her? But is she enjoying that kind of help? If she has ocd, then she needs help lowering her stress, and talking about her stress, problems, ocd, or all this stuff isn't going to do that. It will make it worse, and she'll stress more, and need more time and know she can't offer what you want.

Unless of course you are enjoying all this and just want to share with us your love-ridden anxiety pleasures. Then talk away.

Heck, reading my own post, I feel pulled into a french old movie smoking a cigarette.

I need to say all this in some old movie psychiatric voice like I know what I'm doing.

Now after saying all that--which is all stuff to think about. Here's one last thought. Maaaaaaaybe--

Drumroll . . .

Last, but not least, has it occurred to you what you are saying? She has ocd, right? Have you read about it? Watched a real movie about it? (I can recommend some) OCD is a problem of fear. You get stressed, you are afraid, so you obsess, you then do something to get rid of the fear. Whatever you do to get rid of the fear is repeated like an addiction. You repeat it to get rid of the fear. Now, you just told us that your fiance has ocd--a fear problem and doing stuff to calm the fear. And you are confused because she is afraid she can't give you what you want. And she is repeatedly doing things to get rid of the fear like taking time away or repeatedly obsessing telling you she doubts she can give you what you want. And you endlessly tell her whatever to help her not be afraid. In other words, you are finding out she has ocd and is afraid, obsessed with certain thoughts, and is repeatedly avoiding and doing and saying things to calm her fears.

In short, she's got ocd and you aren't seeing why she is afraid, obsessing, and repeatedly saying things you try to help or reassure. (along with getting some reassurance yourself while going crazy)

Welcome to ocd.

Good luck.

Oh, and you might be wondering if she knows if she is doing any or all this or if you are doing anything to help or make it worse. Well, is that another thing you want to talk about with her? You know, to talk about in order to help? (think for a minute) Just as you get pulled in not seeing another thing you want or way you try to help, people with ocd sometimes get pulled in to an ocd fear, repeated thought, repeated desire for reassurance and comfort and not know it or do it intentionally.

(and if you think this was all a bit obsessive, try to remember you are in the ocd room asking for help)

and yes, you are allowed to laugh . . . it is all part of it . . . especially now that you are part of it.

now go get her to laugh.

(before you start thinking I'm a little crazy)

lol

 

[kaykay9.0]

^redblue you are funny.


I dont know if you can convince her but meds/therapy would probably make a difference. There are much better meds now than Anafranil. As for as whether this is common behavior with OCD, ....I dont know. I know personally I do tend to withdraw socially when I am in a BAD OCD spike but a couple weeks seems long to totally withdraw from the ones you are closest to. I really think she would benefit from getting some help again with the OCD.

 

[Chris516]

^redblue you are funny.


I dont know if you can convince her but meds/therapy would probably make a difference. There are much better meds now than Anafranil. As for as whether this is common behavior with OCD, ....I dont know. I know personally I do tend to withdraw socially when I am in a BAD OCD spike but a couple weeks seems long to totally withdraw from the ones you are closest to. I really think she would benefit from getting some help again with the OCD.

The problem with meds n' therapy(which I wish she would do), is that I feel I don't have the emotional leverage, to bring up, let alone press for, therapy and/or meds. I know she does have a problem with taking meds. That is partially warranted. Because of the medical industry finally realizing that anti-depressants can also cause suicidality. I was on Prozac for a depressive situation, about ten years ago. I finally got off of it, because, instead of helping, I nearly killed myself. So I wish she would try one of the meds specifically approved for treating OCD. Except for Anafranil.

I do feel she is angry with me. Because I didn't make copies of all the movies she bought me. The entertainment industry has been coming down hard of people who make copies of movies and give them to other people.

Also, With her hoarding, I have sent things in the past, that have never been opened. This hurts. Because it makes me feel, like I am just adding to her hoard.

Also, She does have migraines sometimes. But that would only be part of the answer, for the lack of communication.

 

[kaykay9.0]

The problem with meds n' therapy(which I wish she would do), is that I feel I don't have the emotional leverage, to bring up, let alone press for, therapy and/or meds. I know she does have a problem with taking meds. That is partially warranted. Because of the medical industry finally realizing that anti-depressants can also cause suicidality. I was on Prozac for a depressive situation, about ten years ago. I finally got off of it, because, instead of helping, I nearly killed myself. So I wish she would try one of the meds specifically approved for treating OCD. Except for Anafranil.

I do feel she is angry with me. Because I didn't make copies of all the movies she bought me. The entertainment industry has been coming down hard of people who make copies of movies and give them to other people.

Also, With her hoarding, I have sent things in the past, that have never been opened. This hurts. Because it makes me feel, like I am just adding to her hoard.

Also, She does have migraines sometimes. But that would only be part of the answer, for the lack of communication.

Tough situation. Praying for God's will for both of you ((hugs))

 

[redblue22]

Sooooooooo, you are avoiding something in yourself, and you know it.

Well, that is interesting.

What am I supposed to say to that? Would you like to talk about it?

Obviously not, since you are avoiding it.

Your choice is to go watch the BLEEPING movies, right?

So why not do that?

I mean, you would gladly talk with her for the length of a movie instead of watching a movie she asked you to watch.

Why is that?

 

[Chris516]

Sooooooooo, you are avoiding something in yourself, and you know it.

Well, that is interesting.

What am I supposed to say to that? Would you like to talk about it?

Obviously not, since you are avoiding it.

Your choice is to go watch the BLEEPING movies, right?

So why not do that?

I mean, you would gladly talk with her for the length of a movie instead of watching a movie she asked you to watch.

Why is that?

I am not avoiding the situation. I definitely would like to talk to her about it. At the same time, I don't want to push her over the edge.

As for your accusation that I would rather watch movies, instead of talk with her about it, that is totally unfounded. She has never asked me to watch a specific movie. Except for the ones' she has bought me, which I do watch those movies.

 

[redblue22]

yes, you are absolutely right. I was out of line and what I said was wrong. I am sorry.


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