feels like my hearts been ripped out

[troubledguy]

Hi,

I badly need some advice and prayer from fellow believers.

This probably has too much detail so if u don't think u can read it dont... but i am hurting so bad i need to get it out.

I have been dating my gf for 3.5 months. She has only been a Christian for about 15 months. I love her very much (at least i think i do - she is however my first really serious girlfriend). I alreay knew she had a past.
I knew she had had numerous boyfriends, and had sex a couple times with two different guys. That hurt... but i got over it (mostly, at least to a point where it didn't bother me much).

I have never engaged in anything more that a peck on the lips before... so sex with multiple guys... that freaked me out totally. But the other day we slipped abit and hands started to wander... we both felt bad and realised that we didn't want that to happen again.. we both privately prayed about it and I called her and we discussed how we never want to let anything physical destroy what we have. We have made firm boundaries that we feel are what God would want for us.

To cut a long story short... last night I learn't more about her past. She basically did everything bar intercourse when she was 13 (in an 18 month full on relationship). And all the major boyfriends after that were the same. :o That was a lot to take in. But then I learned that she also was involved on the internet. She would have cybersex with guys with her webcam. So much so that one night a guy came round to her place in the middle of the night who she'd be cybering with .

She said as much as anything it was that she liked having the power to drive the guys crazy... she had control of who saw her and how much.. She deeply regrets it all. I think i understand the root cause of some of this... her parents divorced when she was 8 and she never saw her father... i imagine that is why she craved guys to want her so much.

Basically this is killin me.

She said she took a LONG time to get over all this.. but she knows God has forgiven her and she has forgiven herself. (that i am very glad of praise God!)

She feels terrible that we slipped the other day... she said she finds it really hard because she knows exactly what she likes and how to get it.

Just in case you are wondering.... i KNOW 100% that she does want to live how God wants her too, i have no doubt of her relationship with God. I know she is trying to fight this... she just finds it extremely hard.

I see her potentially as my wife... I could see us being great together.. This stuff just scares the hell out of me. She loves me so much... and is so happy that I am different to the other (all non christian) guys she has dated before. I truly believe that she is changed in mind and spirit...in that she truly wants to be pure, but she just struggles with tempation a lot.

I have no worries about forgiving her or anything about the past.
What worries me is how her past affects our future together.

How it would affect our marriage....

U may say run 1000 miles... I probably would too, but she is every quality i would ever want in a wife. She is kind, loving, generous, honest, open (i mean she could have kept all this to herself...) loves children (will make the best mother ever ) hard working, not *****y, patient, trustworthy, not preoccupied with worldly wealth or beauty, loves god, loves me, treats her family well.

Am I silly trying to work things out with her? I sometimes think its all to much and why don't I just leave her and find someone who has no baggage like myself. At the same time i get a gut feeling (from what I have seen of other friends relationships) that what we have is amazing and I would surely regret leaving her.

I need your prayers desperately, and your advice, and I would love to here from any other guys who have gone through a similar circumstance. Has her past caused you many problems later? or does maybe her past mean she appreciates you more? Is there any good that can come of this? (so i may try and take the focus of the bad)

Thankyou for your time in reading this, and any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Well, the first thing I will say is, it's not wrong to give her a chance. I'm not going to say run 1000 miles. I, too have made some mistakes in my past... not nearly to that extreme, but enough that I was ashamed of it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and yes, I appreciate him more because of the respect he has for me. I think you need to make up your mind... do you want to stay with this girl, or move on... don't play with her heart, by not being able to figure out if you want to leave her for someone without baggage... to tell you the truth almost everybody has baggage, there are few that don't. Make up your mind... you owe it to her, and to yourself. Pray about it. Let God be in control. You know you are powerless in this situation, but God has the power to strengthen you in situations like these. Lean not on your own understanding, but rather in his.

 

[troubledguy]

Well, the first thing I will say is, it's not wrong to give her a chance. I'm not going to say run 1000 miles. I, too have made some mistakes in my past... not nearly to that extreme, but enough that I was ashamed of it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and yes, I appreciate him more because of the respect he has for me. I think you need to make up your mind... do you want to stay with this girl, or move on... don't play with her heart, by not being able to figure out if you want to leave her for someone without baggage... to tell you the truth almost everybody has baggage, there are few that don't. Make up your mind... you owe it to her, and to yourself. Pray about it. Let God be in control. You know you are powerless in this situation, but God has the power to strengthen you in situations like these. Lean not on your own understanding, but rather in his.

Thanks for your reply... I know I do want to stay with her... its just that this has really freaked me out. She has a beautiful heart and i certainly dont want to play with it because it is too precious... thats why i want to get over this... i dont want to be unsure of how i feel. Thats why I'm trying to work through it straight away.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I would give it time, and a chance. Learn to trust. I would give it a chance...but if it happened again then that pretty much leaves it at that...

 

[troubledguy]

I guess you could say I have a lot to be thankful for... her past is all in the past!... before I met her... and we have made firm boudaries... which will be hard to stick to but we WILL stick to them.

It would have been a lot worse if any of this happened while i was dating her!

I should thank God that she has changed

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Yes, do thank God she has changed, and if it helps, it might make things easier if you find another couple that can be your accountability partner... I recommend someone that is strong in their faith, that won't mind asking tough questions, and strong leaders. Me and my boyfriend have an accountability couple, and they help us stick firmly to our boundaries. This may help you keep yours as well

 

[peanutbutter12]

Well. I had a post here, but it went bye bye with the back button...
*sigh*

I will say this though: you are right that you have taken on a lot of baggage with her. It's only worth what you think it's worth. I had a past myself when I met my wife, and ya know, it didn't matter to her. She understood I couldn't change my past but loved the person I am now.

I do think the one thing you need to ask yourself about this girl is: has she come to terms with her past? It can be a nasty thing that comes back to haunt you if you've not accepted it and moved on. And by the sounds of it, you two are pretty young and younger people have a lot of learning to do. Especially in situations like this.

Be there for her, support her, and do your best to be a friend. But don't allow her relationship with God become dependant on a relationship with you. It only leads to hurt in the end if things go sour and she walks away from God.

CJ

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Be there for her, support her, and do your best to be a friend. But don't allow her relationship with God become dependant on a relationship with you. It only leads to hurt in the end if things go sour and she walks away from God.

CJ

I agree with this also. The best thing she can get from you is support, and encouragement. And I think CJ is right... you don't want her to walk away from God, because she is dependant on you for that relationship.

 

[troubledguy]

I could be wrong... but she seems to think she has dealt with her past... she feels confident that she has forgiven herself for it and that God has too.

TerraSin what exactly do u mean by "its only worth what you think its worth"?

As for her relationship with God... no way is it dependent on me. If she didn't have her own relationship with God I wouldn't be sticking with her.

Thats one of the reasons why I am keen not to lose her.

Thanks for everyone's input

 

[troubledguy]

forgot to add we are both about 20

 

[Hope_0004]

I think it sounds like she is a wonderful person, and that you really care for (if not love) her. I guess I'm wondering, if she's dealt with it and you have decided to accept her, what's the problem?

If you're mulling about whether or not you'll be "enough" for her if you marry, I wouldn't worry about that too much. All of my friends who had sex when they were very young regret it and certainly don't have these romantic tales of how good it was. It was generally painful, embarrassing, and something they could have lived without. So as far as measuring up to that, I can't imagine it would be an issue.

I would say that it sounds like maybe you just hate the "thought" of someone you love being that way with others... and who wouldn't? Perhaps, since you've gotten what you feel you need to discuss out on the table and hashed through it, it is time to put it away. I mean, that will always be a part of her, but you've talked about it, and it is in the past. Sitting around and discussing her previous sexual encounters over and over will do nothing for you, and if she needs to deal with it, a counselor would be a better and more appropriate sounding board.

I think what you need to do is truly decide if you've accepted her for all that she is - because it would be a shame to say you love someone, and then start to feel resentful toward her. She has dealt with it, and she has been honest - she doesn't deserve to go through the ordeal a second, third, or fourth time.

I think you can make it work if you really care about her.

 

[Inperfected]

Hi, from her perspective I have a number of things to talk about.... I've been there, and I've been the girl you are talking about, not quite to the same extent, but I imagine the same terms emotionally... My bf at the time however, was like you. Now, to protect your relationship, I would probably suggest you follow 'some' of what I say.

Ok, firstly, she's been loved in a sexual manner in past relationship, and now it's just emotionally. Straightout, she'll proabably feel unloved as you (if you are anything like my ex) most likely don't show her often that you are 'sexually' interetsed in her. For me, the knowledge that he was, was better than doing anything. I am not sure what others will think about my words here, but I don't think it's a sin to be sexually attracted to a potential wife, but a good thing, so don't worry about trying to never show it, as she could begin to doubt the love etc. (I am not saying she doesn't need emotional love, she just needs to learn to accept it as the norm).

Talk about it, let her talk about what's happened in the past, and feel SOOO grateful she's opened up. I didn't for a long time, and when I finally opened up, it was so difficult to say the least (however, with me, once cheating on the ex had been involved.)

As for your heart, pray, i think thats the only way ou can get through this. In peter it says, Cast your burdens on me, for i care for you, and he REALLY does! It's hard at first to come to terms with, but in time, you may well accept, this is her past, not her present.

As for the practical issue of wandering hands... Don't lie down together, if possible don't be in a bedroom together, movie are watched with no blankets off, and work out those dangerous zones and stay clear of them..... NO MATTER HOW MUCH you don't want to.

 

[peanutbutter12]

TerraSin what exactly do u mean by "its only worth what you think its worth"?

What I mean is that there is a good probability that in the future, she will have to deal with issues that you will have to deal with as well. Things that might stress the relationship, cause arguments, etc. There might be times that you wonder why you stay involved with her and what is why I say it is only worth what you think it's worth. Because if you aren't willing to handle the baggage, it won't be worth much to you.

However, that is only a probability. There is a chance things like that may never happen.

CJ

 

[troubledguy]

Thanks for everyones thoughts... I see what your saying Inperfected... (We certainly wont have to worry bout that right now... but maybe down the track I will have to make sure she knows she is sexually attractive to me.

Hope_0004 you hit the nail on the head... I do love her and accept her for who she is... its just hard having thoughts of her with others... and worrying that what we have won't be more special than her past.

I am starting to deal with it though... after only a few days It is causing me less pain and I'm thinking with time I should get over it ok.

 

[troubledguy]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I think Hope_0004 hit the nail on the head. Its not that I don't accept her as she is... its just that it is painful to think of her being sexually involved with other guys. I do also struggle a bit with thinking that what we have (and hopefully will have in the future) won't be any more special than her past. But I guess what you say is right.

Inperfected, you probably have a good point there... since I said we have slipped a little recently, it is not an issue now, but further down the track I will make sure she knows i'm attracted to her.

After only a few days I am starting to find it all less painful. I think with God's help I should be able to get over it all... it just takes a little time for the shock to wear off. I'm now starting to think sensibly. Its past. period. Shes dealt with it, God forgiven her, hes also forgiven me for all my sins too. And although its hard thinking of her with other guys, I know that I shouldn't be worried about being compared with them. She has said that "they were not even in my class". I know that she truly wants a healthy wholesome relationship for us. I know that she values our relationship more than her past ones, that I truly have a place in her heart and that she has stolen mine .

 

[Mskedi]

I think you have the right mindset. No one wants to hear the details of an SO's past sexual relations... it's just hard. But she's beyond it and it sounds like you are perfectly capable of moving beyond it once the sting leaves.

It took me a while to get over my bf's past, but I did get over it.

 

[Counsil]

Everyone deserves a chance. Changing old life styles takes time, especialy one who has such a scarring past. It's hard to erase a line thats already been crossed. If you haven't already its best to confront her with your fealings, make everything clear so neither of you harbor any resentments, then look to the future. I say, give her a chance, don your sandals of peace, because you two could have a long road ahead of you.

 

[xkeethx]

There are certain things that I want to ask my girlfriend (actually I don't really call her my girlfriend because our relationship just seems more...above that. i don't know how else to explain)
There are always questions I have that I really want to ask because I always want to know if it's better or worse than what I'm imagining. I have questions that, in my mind, I think are stupid and dumb and make me sound like a sicko. But I just really want to know specifics so I know exactly how much I have to get over. It's hard because I know that if I ask these things it will be hard for her because she doesn't want to relive it and she doesn't like it that I can't get over.....but I don't think I can get over it until we cover EVERYTHING. So you can see the pickle I am in.

My (wife to be) girlfriend may not have as much of a past as yours. But I seriously can not stand the thought of her being......satisfied.....by another guy that still has those thoughts of her in his mind.
I really treasure her like no other person I've ever felt for, and I've always been a jealous person. So this combination doesn't mix well with me. But maybe I'm just being tested, I don't know.

Well I didn't mean to bring down the mood if I did, so I will just stop my ramblings now.

I'm glad there's someone else who knows the same pain.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

*Smiles* Have you tried asking her if she would mind recounting her past?? I know that it would be tough for her... but based on my own experiences, and based on the situation me and my boyfriend recently just went through... we found it was easier reliving it, and getting it off of our shoulders, and talking about our pasts, rather than holding it in... and not sharing... We love each other and care enough that we want each other to know what we are struggling with... I think if you are considering her as your future wife, that she probably wouldn't mind (not that it wouldn't be hard) telling you.

 

[GQ Chris]

You know what man... she is your first serious girlfriend you've ever had... and unfortunately she sounds like a nightmare. My best advice to you would be to Run, far and fast... but I know you probably won't do it because you are "in love".. but trust me, if you pursue serious relations with her, you're in for a lot of Pain, and then it will eventually end, and then you will be back on here posting about it. And next time I won't have any sympathy towards you...