Feeling urgent need to separate

[akkol]

Hi. I've been married some 2.5 years.. different culture, long distance dating for just a couple of meetings before proposal and quite soon after that it all became hard. I guess we barely knew each other, just a wishful image of each other without real knowing.

Soon after engagement we started to have problems. I got some surprises in personal life, she got scared and was calling all off, then we continue, meeting once 1 or 2 months in her country..before wedding it was a cat and a mouse game all time, maybe we'll marry, maybe not. After marriage started threats about divorce, or even statements that it is all over..just like a habit, 2 weeks and then again.

Marriage has been living trough a drama after drama. soon 2.5 years I've been living with divorce shock, recovering the acute shock and just to get it again, as naturally the time spend for that has not been the most productive and causes another reason for divorce again.

Health has been a challenge, I feel like the story about a frog that doesn't realize it is being boiled alive when placed first in cool water and slowly cooked. Last year has been more or less of a haze, and last 6 months chest pains nearly all time somewhat.

So now I have thought, since my wife has stated it many times how she is just waiting for residency permit stuff, that she is not my wife, how she lives soon without me, stays in own room with door closed, and we don't have anything to do together. Cannot talk with her, too risky, as always i say something not correctly and she will shout as long as it takes to put me in my Place which means too hurt to function anymore and restoring to hearth medication etc.

I just see the smile on her face when she is putting me down, shouting to me and telling about her soon amazing life without me, how nothing of this means anymore to her and pushes me out of room. Expects the worst of me all time and whatever is the subject, when she gets her mood again all conversation go back to how I did wrong this or that and she would never marry me because of something had she known.

I've proposed couple therapy. I've bought her books. I've proposed reading and practicing together. Psychological stuff, christian marriage book i got, brain retraining manuals, whatever, church camps with couple therapy elements..but nothing she agrees let alone takes initiave.

I know we are to love no matter what but it just feels strongly damaging for me and hurting my relatives to see this continue again and again, and also not the good thing for her too if she has such a strong dissatisfaction in this, and the level of that prevents all constructive communication.

the problem is even that i don't know if she can do that, as we have basically never had real conversations together which is strange as I love that.

Why I am writing this here..i just feel i cannot take it anymore. my health, time, work, relationships, life all seem to suffer a lot and main thing, without a realistic feeling way to move forward.

I was thinking to ask her to go to another apartment. she already is planning that, as today she angrily told me about this. I don't know..i'd love to have supportive talk, even if we choose to live separated from this moment but she just seems to take this fighting attitude, shout and slam doors when I just ask peacefully to talk about somethings what adults need to talk.

 

[Endeavourer]

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles.

Her behavior is unacceptable. You will need to take steps to change the dynamics of your marriage as your health will not survive a lifetime of this.

The first question for you is: when your wife says she wants to separate, does she say why? What does she accuse you of doing that is so upsetting to her?

Do you either initiate or respond with this type of anger towards her as well?

 

[Endeavourer]

Never mind the questions above; I read some of your old posts on a different thread.

I would strongly advise you to temporarily separate from your wife immediately.

When you separate, leave her with a letter of no more than 1 page long which describes your love for her and your eagerness to be married to her forever. However, your health will not survive her behaviors so if she is willing to forsake her anger outbursts and participate in a relationship of mutual, extraordinary care (i.e. marriage) then you will eagerly look forward to reuniting with her. It is up to her. Your condition of re-engaging in the relationship is that she pursues anger management training and refrains from anger outbursts for six months. Ask her to get in touch with you again after she has received this training and had a successful six months of no anger.

Tell her that for the next six months you will not be available for communication but afterwards, if she feels she has successfully done what you need in order to reconsider a marital relationship, to send your [mom, dad, brother or some other designated person] an email to let them know what progress she has made on managing her anger and that she is ready to resume the marriage without anger. When she makes that connection, you'll get back to her.

I said all of this in just two paragraphs; don't let your letter exceed a page.

Then, go into what I would call a very dark separation. By this I mean allow no contact with her whatsoever and try very hard to not dwell and circle around in your bad times with her. Block her on your phone, in your email. Eliminate any connections with her on social media. Get a new phone number and email address if she is able to get around your blocks.

Focus on healing your health, your heart and your mind. You will feel horrible for about 2 weeks and then you will start to feel better. If there is no reach out from her to your family member for a year, I would consider filing for a divorce on the grounds of abuse and desertion. Her abuse is prima facie desertion.

I am very much against frivolous divorces; in your case it seems likely to be essential for your health. Whether you feel free to remarry in the future is another question that is for your conscience.

Many Christians have strong viewpoints one way or another on remarriage after divorce. However, you and only you can answer for your conscience so that is a decision that you alone can make. Search the Scriptures and study both sides of the argument for yourself (no remarriage ever vs remarriage after abuse).

Do not allow yourself to be bullied into anything that is against your conscience, or allow yourself to be bullied into denying yourself that which your conscience does not feel it should deny.

It is my strong opinion, as well as apparently others on this forum who have already posted to you, that you need to separate asap for your health and your mental safety.

 

[Endeavourer]

If she does reach out after changing her behaviors, you will need to go through a long period of dating and courtship to confirm this is the case - at least 12 - 18 months. Do not rush back into a marital relationship.

Take your time or else you will just be in this same situation all over again.

One of the purposes this length of time serves is as a deterrent for her to behave this way in the future. She will know that this whole long process will be kicked off again every time she has an anger meltdown so she will be very dedicated towards not having them in order to not go through this whole process again.

 

[Endeavourer]

Also, do not engage in any sexual relations with her again until after this 12 - 18 month proving period if it should happen - until you KNOW she'll be a fit spouse and even more important, a fit mother.

Currently she is fit for neither and you do not want the enormous headache of knowing your defenseless child is being treated this way when (s)he is with her mother and there is nothing you can do to protect him or her. That would be heart wrenching.

 

[akkol]

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles.

Her behavior is unacceptable. You will need to take steps to change the dynamics of your marriage as your health will not survive a lifetime of this.

The first question for you is: when your wife says she wants to separate, does she say why? What does she accuse you of doing that is so upsetting to her?

Do you either initiate or respond with this type of anger towards her as well?

She tells about divorce most of the time when she gets upset about something, and of course there are some reasons for her reactions and I don't think I'm innocent here. As you might have read this situation has continued a long time, and I can honestly admit that I have not been functioning at my best, even my mother was kind of shocked to see how traumatized I had become as I couldn't even watch TV show with any violence / anger without getting anxious reaction. And one thing that makes it difficult is that she doesn't still regret it after so many times going trough it and all the results and pain it causes for me, and negative results for us. She made it clear that she intends to continue the threatening and does not feel sorry about it at all, and how it is my fault etc, that I have provocated her and I will pay the price then.

But that's the reason why this is so difficult, and I don't know how to break the cycle. It seems that the only way we have been able to be some days without fighting, is that we don't talk and just live like two separate person just happening to stay in same apartment. She even told this sometime ago that we are just neighbors and while it did help to stop horrible fights, it is not very relaxing athmosphere let alone something that should be called a marriage.

our economical situation is not very strong after living like this for years together, with me being a creative entrepreneur without being able to concentrate on work but just about surviving and going trough a divorce drama every two weeks to a month. And she doesn't have experience of living independetly, just moved from parents' to me, to a foreign country and system for her and cannot really understand all the details going on, and at times I feel she and us would benefit if she would get a more realistic picture what it means to take care of all things, instead of just blaming, demanding, comparing to all other men and families etc. but it is a fact that we've been living since spring 2017 with social security support and have some debt, which I now intend to change in two months and have worked hard for this.

For example yesterday the drama started just after a very nice day, and after just getting a very positive decision from the system about next months income. She immediately became anxious to hear when the money will arrive on my account, and how she expects to get a specific part of that, and as I had heard of her getting nowadays also some other form of support money, I just wanted to understand the complete picture and asked does she get also this other form of support, and let's calculate what we need to take care of.

It just turned to horror and she just answered with shouting threats how she will write something to government about me abusing her and stealing family money etc. with me just telling peacefully calm down, and let's make plans together.

and soon it was full blown drama again about all marriage, how I mean nothing to her anymore and how she will enjoy soon life without me. And this is from a woman for whom I have given most money what I have had, paid all and given gifts worth of thousands in last years, and still organizing all in this household in this a little bit different economical reality now.

I do realize that it is frustrating for her that she has not had a lot of money for buying freely what she would like and as she sees some of her friends to have a different situation and more money, and the situation has continued for months. But it's life, there are diffrerent situations, and I feel it is a result of our actions as a couple that we are in this situation now and just needs to improve it systematically.

And a lot of money has been spent on travelling, sometimes I just had to remove myself and sometimes I bought her tickets to visit her family in order for us to have a positive change and for me to get more peace and attend to specific therapy that needs peace and make a positive change but as she rarely agrees to anykind of attempt to change things, it just made it worse and I lost count how many times "I will never see her again".

So those trips just ended up being more fuel for another divorce fight..and then every time there is a discussion about money it is brought up how money was spent for trips for nothing etc. without any realization that turning them into divorce statements instead of healing had something to do with it that we continue in the same cycle on and on. I just feel clueless. She told me that all would be good if I didn't do wrong things. If I had used different words. If I would just work harder.

Do I initiate or respond with anger? Well, it's hard to say as we are often blind to our own mistakes but at least normal situations, like yesterday, I just try to ask her to stop shouting and speak myself peacefully and ask her to calm down to look at things together, let's talk peacefully etc. but it just doesn't help and she is bringing up more and more garbage from the past almost always, how she would not marry me, how I'm not honest, what other women are getting, etc. the theme of discussion just disappears and wherever i try to answer anything she tells she changes subject to something else, it is a fighter attitude always, slamming doors and closing all communications until I would break and agree with her and at least the subject is never discussed and just tossed under the carpet to resurface again at anytime.

 

[akkol]

My mother has a nice apartment in a town nearby which would enable her to travel to her language courses and my mother agreed that she can give the apartment for wife's use for some months until she finds her own Place.

I thought about the suggestion above, and had thought about it before and heard from many, so today I decided that it needs to be done. I'm doing it for good. For myself to become better, for herself to have an opportunity to become better and happier, and for all the parties involved like my family worrying about me all time. I can be more attentional to everyone's needs when I don't spend all time in home drama, I can improve myself to be able someday to live with anyone, now it seems hardly possible with my emotional and physical sensitivity to all. I try to support her, to give her money to live and the extra cost it takes to travel with bus a longer way to her school.

 

[Endeavourer]

I thought about the suggestion above, and had thought about it before and heard from many, so today I decided that it needs to be done. I'm doing it for good. For myself to become better, for herself to have an opportunity to become better and happier, and for all the parties involved like my family worrying about me all time..

So glad to hear this. Hooray for akkol!!!

Your situation will not change until you take this step. You have put in several years of heroic efforts with no change, and several more years will not bring you to a different outcome.

I would consider having her go back to her home country with her family during this separation so she can be in the environment that is apparently the most comfortable and successful for her.

If she returns to her home country, I would advise against sending her or her family any funds whatsoever during the separation.

I would not be extremely concerned about supporting her financially or providing for her comfort during this separation as you do not want to protect her from experiencing what her future would be like without you if you need to file for divorce. That will be part of her decision as to whether she can behave like a true partner needs to behave.

If you protect her she will not really be experiencing the consequences of her actions and then your separation may not be as fully effective as it could have been. The last thing you want to do is to reunite in the future to have this commotion resume.

It appears her dependence on you is an enormous trigger for her poor behavior. Your separation will want to achieve her independence so this trigger is overcome and removed. If necessary in your state, file for a formal separation so your finances can be formally divided.

Protecting perpetrators never works out well either for them or their victims.

 

[mkgal1]

I would consider having her go back to her home country with her family during this separation so she can be in the environment that is apparently the most comfortable and successful for her.

If she returns to her home country, I would advise against sending her or her family any funds whatsoever during the separation.

I agree with this. If she were to live in your parent's apartment....I would doubt you'd be free of the daily stress and drama.

While you're separated, I would recommend Leslie Vernick's book that will help you to evaluate whether or not you're in an abusive/toxic marriage (because it's not a healthy person that can grin while seeing their spouse--the one they recently vowed to LOVE above all--hurt to the point of physical medical issues.

Leslie Vernick also provides remote counseling, if needed: Blog - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

 

[akkol]

Now I'm undecided..first she seemed to accept idea of going to my mother's apartment, but then she just changed 180 degrees and told me she'll call the police if I try to ask her leave.

We spoke and she said she can go but that then we will never be again, and she will never return to me. That she wants to stay.

I asked yesterday a priest to meet us and we were there, but time was Limited and mostly she explained our history from her point of view, and there was so much of this from the beginning which she is angry about that seems to affect everything. But I thought it was great that we were sitting there, and I understood how much she feels about so many things negatively and could understand her. And sitting there the behavior was much better than our normal communication.

But on the other hand, we didn't move much forward since we just had time for her to explain all marriage frustrations and her anger and I saw there are many points which at least I could explain so that it should help her to let go of her anger and realize some stuff, if she would listen. And in such a setting it seemed first time like she could listen instead of just shouting more and more about different subjects.

The priest was very neutral and recommended very much we would need more meetings with someone professional, and promised to ask someone who is doing it professionally in their church. Also he said that many of the things he heard are connected to the cultural difference that are common in international marriages. And also he said that my health situation seems very serious.

So in a way, I got again wishful, that we could turn things to good. But she told calmly after meeting that nothing matters anymore, and how if I send her away for separation then it's the last thing I'll do with her and she will never return then. and asked to stay.

so now I really don't know what to do. As I heard from her monologue in the meeting, she is upset about so much from beginning of our marriage which seems to justify all new negative reactions, it's like a continuum of negativity. Even my business which I built since 2008 I should close because she doesn't like it. But same time I start to feel now that I'm guilty of destroying the marriage if today we take her to my mother's apartment and I'll then never hear from her because of that, If I could just go a little bit further and maybe I can save this. And same time I have all the time worse chest pains and worried how to function, will I be able to live normally anymore and don't know if continuing is smart or sin in a way that it has already gone so far and I still don't get any compassion from her or sign that she regrets her behavior.

Yesterday she was upset after coming home since I was worried after our messaging in the daytime about the subject and her suddenly talking about the police and stopping all communication, what she would do, maybe she is in rage and would destroy all apartment.

So I chose to lock the security lock in case she arrives while I'm away, so she had to stay around 1.5 hours waiting for me to arrive. I understand it was hard for her and when we went together in and she saw that i had prepared for her leaving, she just teared all photos of us together and attacked me physically tearing skin from my hands a little and hitting me. But i could understand that she was emotional.

I don't know really what to do. I am again wishful that with a right cousellor we could move forward, but she makes it clear that she won't do it nor anything else with me IF she needs to go. On the other hand I don't know how much more I can take this, and feel so guilty that my emotional and mental and physical weakness is about to destroy our marriage.

 

[Dave-W]

I just see the smile on her face when she is putting me down, shouting to me and telling about her soon amazing life without me, how nothing of this means anymore to her and pushes me out of room. Expects the worst of me all time and whatever is the subject, when she gets her mood again all conversation go back to how I did wrong this or that and she would never marry me because of something had she known.

Does your wife claim to be a Christian and to follow the bible?

 

[akkol]

Yes for her it is very important part of life

 

[Dave-W]

Yes for her it is very important part of life

OK - then you need to confront her on her behavior and show her where it is unscriptural. If she repents, great.

If not, you need other witnesses to tell her it is unbiblical. If that does not work, her congregation needs to be informed of her ways.

Matt 18.

 

[akkol]

one very hard thing for me that during the life with her I started to really suffer from tinnitus, the ringing in the ears and that affects really much my well being both awake and sleeping. And it is just getting worse, with the stress and the loud shouting she is doing. The loud tinnitus is often feeling that I cannot stand it and in itself makes me feel nervous and stressed. And I've gone out from home to somewhere just to have silence, that my ears would little bit recover, that I could again hear sounds without everything hurting me, wishing the tinnitus volume goes down..and just when I return it starts again. She knows I have this tinnitus and hyperacusia, sound sensitivity and she knows I can be controlled By shouting so that it hurts me. Often I just have to cover my ears from the pain and I beg her to stop, stop please stop it hurts..and she just continues shouting, "as I deserve it", and it just seems night mare like.

this her big aggression a couple of days ago, she shouted so loud that I've never heard such in life I think and now have a new level of tinnitus. She even herself yesterday admitted it was too much and she hurt herself too her ears and something maybe voice cords etc. and is still having pain there. I just don't know what to do, this worsening of health and ears affects all moments and possibly the rest of my life and is just progressing in this. The hard thing is also that even though she knows how much it hurts, she knows how the tinnitus can cause people even to commit suicide and she sees how I try to protect myself and beg her to stop and just because she has some emotion at the moment, decided to continue shouting to my face.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If you don't mind me asking are you american? What country is she from? What are your ages?

I am american myself and my wife is from an asian country. We have been together almost 5 years now. While there is alot I could address, I just want to talk about her coming here. For most any immigrant coming to america, its ALOT to handle. Especially from certain countries where they are poor. Its like opposite ends of the spectrum. And trying to deal with being in a new country is beyond hard for many immigrants. Some go back home, some divorce, some have break downs. The first year we were apart while we waited on her visa. But when she finally got here she spent the next two years REALLY having a hard time. Crying, anger, confusion, missing home...etc.

Especially with the missing home stuff. Some have told me even after being here 20+ years that they pain of missing home never fully goes away. All that you know from friends, family, places you would go to...etc are out of your life. Except for rare visits home of course. And again trying to understand a new country is a ton of hard work. Especially since there is always something new and confusing to learn. In my wifes case she has to learn to drive and all the laws, how the car works...etc. Its stressing her out.

Now does any of this excuse your wifes behavior? Well it probably plays a role but it sounds like there is something deeper going on. You should flat out ask her if she likes living in this country. Ask if she misses home. Ask why she is so distant. Like is it because of you? Or something else? Ask what would make her happy.

 

[akkol]

No we're not American, I'm from Finland and that's where we are now staying, and she is from Ukraine., I'm 37 and she 28.

she has told a list of things why she cannot live with me normally,
I should stop my business I've built for years, and better to work as a cleaner, just because she doesn't like it and doesn't want to talk about it to understand it and accept.
I should be completely healthy as she didn't agree before marriage that I would have any health problems and I should understand she should not support me because of this.
I should learn to not listen to her words and not to care about her anger behavior and it should not affect me.
I should buy real estate
I should never travel without her
I should never talk to her about problems, about work, about money troubles, it is not her business because she is a woman.

I realize completely that there are challenges in moving to another country. But same time I think people must be able to make some changes if things continue for extended periods with similar negative results.

For example I just cannot get any better in this kind of atmosphere when I'm being punished for being sick and that she doesn't get enough money in her opinion. this seems to take away my chances of getting better or improving the situation. About my business which has stopped making income she just claims it is because it is not blessed business and that's why it doesn't bring any money. But before she arrived and all the drama where the energy went instead of work, it brought good income and I felt I'm doing work that gives important things for people and was hearing lots of grateful feedback from people who felt my work had helped their quality of life.

I had years ago years long exposure to toxic building as a home and spent years to get better and finally found a home where i was able to stay and improve and start to live normal life again.

Now it is just horror at home when she keeps shouting at me and I was too much afraid to stay here as her anger attacks seemed to continue and were more violent than ever and in shock i went to my parents house where I used to get very sick and spent again one more week without sleeping but a couple of hours during all week and having very strong symptoms, losing my eyesight, memory and strong problems functioning didn't even seem to understand where I am, similar horror as years ago but just worse and I felt It is getting life threatening, and I had a doc tell me it's life dangerous and risking lifelong invalidity if I continue exposure and didn't know where else to go. I just begged her to have mercy on me and let me come in peace to home and that she would go to my family's other apartment as she doesn't have any sensitivity problem, or somewhere else to just let me sleep for sometime in complete peace as she cannot just control her behavior. But she just said no, you can leave the country to go camping to southern europe or book a cheap hotel even though she knows i cannot just go to any Place especially in that condition, and I begged her to help me but just NO was the answer.

I don't really know..it feels now very confusing that I'm living with a person who cannot make sacrifices even in critical situations, just as she feels this apartment is more comfortable and should not help me, just said she is sorry for shouting to me so much that my ears became with loud tinnitus and my wishes to rest peacefully didn't help and i went to the house in the situation which even normally makes my ears hurt and now it feels i have acquired a hearing impairment to my right ear and first time in life feels it didn't get better and the tinnitus stays loud as i was not able to take care of myself after the trauma. It feels hard to be with so many issues right now and also feels wrong that somehow things are just getting worse.

 

[LinkH]

My wife is from a foreign country, too. We got married in her country and moved back to the US, stayed with my parents, and had our first child. I was looking for a job before and after, and finally found one.

I heard that moving to a foreign country is on the list of some of the most stressful things you can experience. So is being unemployed. I'd imagine living with in-laws should be on the list. So should having a baby. I did not think about all these stressors before the move, and I did not realize I'd be unemployed for months in the US in my parents' house. We've also stayed with my parents at other times when we weren't having a baby and those were stressful.

On at least a couple of these occasions, my wife got into t, hese moods where she was very critical of me. She would want to talk late at night, keeping me up, letting me what was wrong with me in her opiinion. I would want to sleep rather than hear this. She felt she wasn't being listened to. The last time this happened, we finally had a conversation where I expressed to her how difficult it was to get along with her with the negative attitude where she was constantly critical. It was really difficult for our marriage. She realized it. We prayed together, and things improved. She resolved to loose the attitude, treat me with more respect. I also resolved to listen to her. It got to where it felt like a drag being around her or listening to her, and she picked up on that, of course.

One thing I've noticed in marriage is if my wife and I have gotten off track in our rerlationship, where we annoy each other or have difficulty being around each other, that a time of humbling ourselves, confessing our sins, and praying for help can really work wonders and reset the dynamic in the relationship.

Even praying for my wife, in faith, has been very helpful, or rather, the Lord has been gracious. My wife had a negative attitude toward me when she was pregnant, and I prayed about a long series of things, very detailed, for the Lord to speak to her about. I argued my case, from scripture, as to why I believed the Lord would do so. A couple of days later, she came back from a kind of Bible study that deals with personal issues. This session was about anger. She told me the Lord had spoken to her about some things, and told me about those detailed things I'd prayed about. She went through a time of repentence. I'd find her standing, crying in the living room, remembering something harsh she'd said to me. I'd encourage you to pray with your wife and for your wife.

Do you pray and read your Bible with your wife on a regular basis? That's a good thing to do. You could read a Christian book on marriage together. My wife and I did a church Bible study on the book Love and Respect. That was pretty good. You could also read Ephesians 5 and I Peter 3 and each of you could evaluate how you are doing on your role as husband or wife in the marriage based on thsoe scriptures.

Staying with in-laws, being unemployed, etc. can stress someone out. If a man is unemployed, talking about it all the time might just be draining. But a woman may feel energized and comforted by talking about her problems. Is this apartnment your mother owns one your mother lives in?

The way you describe your wife, she sounds abusive. I know society has a double standard. If the husband were abusive, I suspect more people would be calling for a separation or divorce. I'm not going to say that, but you can't be wishy-washy on this issue. If you think being nice is the way of dealing with her extreme behavior, that may not work. Some people, if you let them be abusive or disrespectful to you, they lose respect for you. Yelling is not acceptable. That can do a lot of damage to a relationship. You could get a door between you and lock it if she starts to yell. You could tell her she can have the right to speak with you if she can do so calmly like an adult and leave the room or lock a door. If you let her treat you like garbage and she constatly threatens divorce, what do you have to lose by putting your foot down?

I get the impression that Russia is a 'machismo' kind of culture to some extent. Maybe the Ukraine is. If she doesn't think you are to tell her about money troubles, maybe she expects that. And she may expect a man who won't put up with her yelling at him, too. You don't have to do anything violent, just refuse to be around her or listen if she is yelling. If the dynamic is all about her being upset at something you aren't doing or some characteristic you don't have, turn the tables and let hit be about how you are appalled at her yelling and other inappropriate behavior. If you leave the conversation because of her behavior and she doesn't get the attention she wants because of your reaction to her misbehaving, that might drive home the need to behave.

If you get ready to have a conversation, tell her how you expect her to behave when you talk. Get her to agree on the groundrules. No yelling. No name calling. Find some Proverbs and other scriptures to remind her. Remind her of her Biblical duties toward you as husband. One of those is respect/reverence toward her husbad, which implies no screaming at the top of her lungs, and tell her you require that of her as a husband. She may respect you more if she sees you respect herself and you don't tolerate screaming and yelling.

I am wondering about the shortcomings or weaknesses she is so upset about. Is it just normal stuff like career, or not having some characteristic she wants? It wasn't something like cheating on her, being addicted to drugs or alcohol, hurting people, or committing crimes, was it?

If I were in your shoes, I'd be praying for her and praying with her. I'd encourage her to humble herself. that you both do it... as the Lord for help and confess your sins to each other. If she's weeping and repenting over how she's treated you, that might be a good first step in the right direction.

Have you ever experienced a time when you just really enjoyed each other's company and just really loved each other? Paint a picture of that for her. Describe that. Tell her that's what you want. Then pray to get to that point again, too, when you pray to confess your sins to one another.

Counseling may help, too. I believe more in God workign in response to our prayers, though, prayers made in faith.