Feeling so sad

[RachelZ]

Sorry to be starting yet another negative thread...but I don't know what else to do but try and get wisdom from others with OCD. I've struggled ever since not long after my diagnosis of OCD to believe that that was what was going on with me and my hubby. When I believe it's OCD I feel like a weight has lifted and there's hope and when I don't I just feel anything ranging from anxious to hideous! I can accept I have OCD just struggle very much to believe that's what my main issue/obsession is. Anyway, last week I made a real commitment to treating it as such. Previously I'd tried the Brain Lock approach which is a book I have a lot of time for as it seems to be a good treatment option. However, I kept getting hung up on the first step which is to say "It's not me it's OCD!" Previously when out of frustration I've tried to just accept the thoughts instead of fighting them I've felt quite down and sad cos I then feel a lack of hope. Anyway, last week I started doing it not out of frustration but as a genuine attempt to try and fight this stupid thing. What seems to be happening is that as I accept the thoughts and don't try and fight to convince myself they're as a result of OCD I'm feeling more and more down and sad. As I accept the thoughts and feelings and think yeah that's true in an attempt to take the strength out of the OCD I'm just seeming to feel more miserable that my worst fears are true. That would mean that my better times are not a true reflection of reality and therefore cannot be trusted. This means I can't look back to them as a reference point to hang my hope on.

I feel like I took the risk of treating it as OCD and it's backfiring on me. Please don't think I'm trying to dissuade anone from treating their OCD...I guess if it really is OCD then it'll respond appropriately.

I don't know where to go from here...how do I face my fears with less and less conviction that they're OCD based? I feel so sad...and angry that I tried and yet, seemingly, facing my fears instead of fighting them is showing them to be real and worth feeling anxious about. I feel guilty even writing this cos it feels like a betrayal to my hubby...

Any ideas gratefully received...thanks, Rachel

 

[babegirl111]

Sweetie, don't give up. Just keep moving forward. It is good you are doing something about your OCD though! GOD BLESS!!

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Babegirl... :o)

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

It sounds to me like you're still focusing sooo much on how you feel. I understand doing that. I do that, too! The trick is getting to the point where you say "who cares" or "so what?" about your feelings. They don't matter. They don't mean anything. They are but random products of your brain that you have no control over. Yeah, the anxiety is awful. I feel for you - it's just downright unbearable at times. But the real trick to getting a hold of this - and in my opinion is the hardest part - is saying "so what?" to your feelings and going on with life anyway. Choosing to act lovingly towards your husband anyway. Choosing to contribute to your marriage the best that you know how in spite of feeling rotten and yucky inside.

Right now you're still giving you thoughts and feelings a lot of importance. And that's easy to do, so don't go kicking yourself for doing it. We OCDers seem to take our feelings as "the truth," but I think we could FEEL as though we were turning into a pink elephant and we would still be convince we were going to just based on our feelings. It is a critical error that we OCDers tend to do - make decision based feelings. Essentially, "If I feel this way, it must be true."

Feelinsg don't make OCD true. Nothing makes OCD true, but it sure feels like it's true! ERP doesn't make you feel better right away. In fact, it makes you feel worse. It's a real tough thing to go through. It makes you feel sad, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. That's what it's supposed to do. The next step is saying to yourself "who cares about what I feel, I'm going to live life any way." In the mean time, you have to be resilient to the pain of "not knowing" if it's OCD or not, as well as the painful feelings ERP brings.

You've got the first step down - bringing on the bad feelings. Now instead of retreating when they come...stand up to that OCD bully and say "Hey guess what! That's a pretty scary thought... but I bet I can one up you! I bet I can think of a scarier thought!" Then do it. Let yourself feel the fear. Sit with it. It's mightily uncomfortable, no doubt. And emotionally and physically painful, too. there's no way around it.. it's going to downright suck.

But then... you have to get courageous. And instead of seeking reassurance or focusing on how bad you feel, you do something loving for your husband! You go about living your life anyway!

Agreeing with the thoughts is one thing - and it's a good start. But I found, for me, that it wasn't enough. I had to take it a step further and challenge OCD to come up with a scarier scenario. I would purposefully think of scary thoughts, and play them out in my mind. Once that happened, I found that OCD really had no more ammunition. Where else could it go? I had thought all the scary thoughts. I had agreed with OCD. And I said - forget you! I'm going to have fun anyway!

It will always be a battle. I still struggle some days, and probably always will. But every time I feel a little anxious, I just look at it as an opportunity to practice my exposure.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much for that Sad...you've just given me a bit of hope in a miserable day and a little bit of motivation to stick with this. And you're absolutely right in that I am very much still focussed on my feelings and what they mean. I guess I thought I prolly shouldn't be feeling like this doing ERP...anxiety seems to be the emotion it's supposed to trigger...knowing that sadness and anger are also things it can bring on helps. I can't thank you enough...I'm going to try to refocus on living today despite how I feel...and like you say doing those loving things for my hubby anyway. I pray God really helps you in your fight against OCD...and blesses you for allowing yourself to be useful to others despite your own yucky stuff! Take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I'm glad you're feeling motivated! I came across this advice in another thread and I thought it was so relevant:

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to tell you that in my experience of accepting the thoughts it is best not to accept them in the way that "so what if I don't love my husband" because that leaves space for rumination on the subject, but rather say "so what I am having these thoughts but I am still going to go about my life regardless of them". I don't know if there is a real distinction there or not, but to me it felt different. It is not about "figuring it out" and your goal should not be to "figure it out". Your goal should be to let the thoughts be there- don't think about them, don't pay them any mind, just say oh theres that thought and what was I doing again, and go back to that. It takes a LOT of practice, but as soon as your mind starts to get the message that you don't feel these thoughts are "important", it will start to filter them out. I think that ocd sufferers feel that other people are "sure" of themselves, but the truth is that they just don't think about. They just make decisions about what they want to do and act on them. They don't think about the what ifs. Anyone could have ocd if they let their mind go there.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much Sad that quote really helps...the writer says they don't know as there's a real distinction between the two ways of dealing with the thoughts but I think there's a world of difference!

Thank you again...I wish I could get accross how grateful I am in textyspeak but please know you have really helped! I felt so sad this morning and tonight I feel so much better...more hopeful! Hows things going for you? Hope you're still doing better...take care and God bless...Rachel

 

[jc9992]

That would mean that my better times are not a true reflection of reality and therefore cannot be trusted. This means I can't look back to them as a reference point to hang my hope on.

RachelZ dont get too down about this part.I have also thought that my good times were fake or not as good as i thought they were. Ive learned to accept that i did have true good times, but i cannot expect them to last forever sooner or later im gonna go through a valley and i can still think back on the good times, but just because things may not be going so great now, that doesnt diminish the great things that happened in the past or mean that they were a fluke.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks for the encouragement JC...I guess I just doubt so many things when I'm not doing so well...and because it all feels so real it's easy to look back at weller times, (bad English I know!) and think well if this is reality then they must not be. But I am glad I do have those times to look back on cos when I'm thinking more rationally they do give me hope and a better perspective on the bad stuff. Thanks again...thankfully I'm feeling more positive today...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Oh I've had those same feelings! I'll go through a period of a good spell with minimal to no OCD symptoms, and then when it comes roaring back I feel like I imagined my good times or that they were really fake! Last time I went through a bad spell my OCD twisted it so much that I thought that my 6+ months of good feelings were the OCD and this was reality!

Then I realized that OCD always brings it's two friends along: fear and doubt. I didn't have any of those feelings when I was feeling good.

 

[Princess Of Yahweh]

Small step and prayer!! I'll be praying!!

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you that's really kind of you XShmal

 

[gracealone]

It sounds to me like you're still focusing sooo much on how you feel. I understand doing that. I do that, too! The trick is getting to the point where you say "who cares" or "so what?" about your feelings. They don't matter. They don't mean anything. They are but random products of your brain that you have no control over. Yeah, the anxiety is awful. I feel for you - it's just downright unbearable at times. But the real trick to getting a hold of this - and in my opinion is the hardest part - is saying "so what?" to your feelings and going on with life anyway. Choosing to act lovingly towards your husband anyway. Choosing to contribute to your marriage the best that you know how in spite of feeling rotten and yucky inside.

Right now you're still giving you thoughts and feelings a lot of importance. And that's easy to do, so don't go kicking yourself for doing it. We OCDers seem to take our feelings as "the truth," but I think we could FEEL as though we were turning into a pink elephant and we would still be convince we were going to just based on our feelings. It is a critical error that we OCDers tend to do - make decision based feelings. Essentially, "If I feel this way, it must be true."

Feelinsg don't make OCD true. Nothing makes OCD true, but it sure feels like it's true! ERP doesn't make you feel better right away. In fact, it makes you feel worse. It's a real tough thing to go through. It makes you feel sad, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. That's what it's supposed to do. The next step is saying to yourself "who cares about what I feel, I'm going to live life any way." In the mean time, you have to be resilient to the pain of "not knowing" if it's OCD or not, as well as the painful feelings ERP brings.

You've got the first step down - bringing on the bad feelings. Now instead of retreating when they come...stand up to that OCD bully and say "Hey guess what! That's a pretty scary thought... but I bet I can one up you! I bet I can think of a scarier thought!" Then do it. Let yourself feel the fear. Sit with it. It's mightily uncomfortable, no doubt. And emotionally and physically painful, too. there's no way around it.. it's going to downright suck.

But then... you have to get courageous. And instead of seeking reassurance or focusing on how bad you feel, you do something loving for your husband! You go about living your life anyway!

Agreeing with the thoughts is one thing - and it's a good start. But I found, for me, that it wasn't enough. I had to take it a step further and challenge OCD to come up with a scarier scenario. I would purposefully think of scary thoughts, and play them out in my mind. Once that happened, I found that OCD really had no more ammunition. Where else could it go? I had thought all the scary thoughts. I had agreed with OCD. And I said - forget you! I'm going to have fun anyway!

It will always be a battle. I still struggle some days, and probably always will. But every time I feel a little anxious, I just look at it as an opportunity to practice my exposure.

Wow Sad ....Awesome - spot on advice!!

You've gained tremendous insight as to how to manage OCD.
I can't tell you how many times I just have to ride out those negative feelings/emotions and not rely on them as proof of anything. I will often sing to myself... "Feelings.. nothing more than feelings" and just let it be at that.

Rachel,
Even without OCD, depending on our feelings to define whether or not we are "in love" or out of love with our spouse is a bad idea. Firstly because the "in loveness" of Eros is not what makes for a long and stable marriage. Eros is something that happens to us when we fall in love, not something that we chose and Eros makes promises she cannot keep.
But choosing to do acts of love, to love your spouse when you think you've lost "that loving feeling", is the equivalent of really and actually loving them. For the Christian this choosing is also done as an act of loving obedience - "as unto the Lord". If marital love was something that just happened to us automatically then we wouldn't have to be told to do it at all. But instead we are instructed to love and respect one another "as unto the Lord." Lewis said that "Obedience is the key to all doors."
Feelings come and go but real love, love that is chosen without dependance on emotional validation is what is expected of us. Anyone is capable of this type of God honoring love, even those of us with OCD.
So when I don't feel like I love my husband, I act as if I do. And in those loving actions I find that I really do love him. My husband and I have been married for 31 years. Eros, or "in loveness", was the spark that brought us together. But when that spark died out, the real true activity of chosen love began. I know that he too has chosen to love me, minus those loving feelings and because he has, I know that he really does love me.
OCD can't take away our choice to do the right thing. It can only try and trick us into depending on our goofy roller coaster emotions. So Sad is right. Those of us with OCD must learn to recognize that our emotions lie to us. When these emotions assail us we have to learn to ride them out to say, "so what, walk on, persevere."
The eagle doesn't "mount up to the heights" by frantically flapping his wings in reaction to the wind. Instead he turns and faces directly into the wind without battling against it. Then he opens up his wings in calm acceptance. It is only then that he can mount up to the heights. I try very hard to follow his example in response to the adverse winds of my OCD.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much for that Mitzi...and I agree Sad seems to have really incredible insight into dealing with OCD!

I agree with all you've said about love being a choice and that you can't expect that spark to remain all the time. I think I could deal with it better if it were just an absence of a spark but I think what really kills me is the almost paranoid fear and dread I experience...which is really unfounded cos my hubby is not someone I need to fear. I think maybe part of the problem is that things snowballed in that he'd do something and I'd feel fear about what it meant or I'd think something and go into hyper-analysing mode and back then when this kicked off I didn't know I had OCD. I also had what I believe was a bad medication reaction and bham...I was in the most hideous place I think I've ever experienced. It's better than then but I think cos things snowballed and cos the feelings got so out of control and seemingly had a life of their own I now can't allways even say what the particular thought is behind the dread and fear I end up experiencing. It's like how can you ignore a thought leading to anxiety when sometimes it's just such an instantaneous reaction that all you know is the torment and can't properly verbalise why you feel it? All I know is that when I improve I don't see any reason to feel so terrible. I think this type of OCD also gets complicated because in any relationship there's going to be issues but if you add OCD to that those issues become distorted...but they're hard to ignore because sometimes they may have a basis in a much less fearful reality. Having said all that I know that ultimately the feelings boil down to the questioning and doubting thoughts.

Sorry, I'm not trying to sound like I'm making excuses to duck out of what you're suggesting...I agree that I owe it to my hubby and God to act lovingly even when I don't feel it...I guess what I'm trying to say is that can be so hard when you feel a disabling, crippling, fear that torments you and binds you up. But my aim is still to be able to make my hubby happy and for him to feel loved...don't think I'm very good at either of those things right now...but please God may I improve!

Thanks again Mitzi...hope you're doing OK...take care, Rachel

 

[gracealone]

HI Rachel,
It's abnormally, normal with OCD to have that constant feeling of fear and dread as well as foggy thinking in really defining what it is most specifically that you are doubting. The intensity of the anxiety makes it difficult to focus clearly. The trick is to quit trying to figure it all out and chalk it up to a misfiring in your brain. I have alot of reminder sayings that I use to help me to keep from beginning to ruminate, which is the compulsive side of my pure "O". "Quit trying to find the exit, Put down the fly swatter, don't chase that rabbit", etc.
These help me to put on the brakes before I get to rolling downhill so fast that I can't stop.
Can I ask what type of medication you tried, dosage, and what the "bad reaction" was?
I only ask because I had a great deal of difficulty with SSRI's because I'm one of those people who gets paradoxical anxiety when starting them. Everything got 10 times worse when I tried Paxil it was truly awful. In retropsect I now know that my starting dose was way too high. I had a rash on Zoloft so had to quit that one. I ended up on a combination of Buspar and Remeron. I had to start the Buspar in baby steps because it too caused severe paradoxical anxiety at higher dosages. I mean I started on 2.5 mgs. twice a day and went up gradually every 3-4 days. I now take 10 mgs. twice a day. Remeron is easy to start, no paradoxical anxiety, but the side effect of weight gain is a bummer, but well worth it in comparison to the agony of constant anxiety. I'm almost totally weaned off Remeron now and am only using Buspar to take the edge off my anxiety response. So far so good. Buspar doesn't have the negative side effects of SSRI's and no discontinuation syndrome.
Any way if you decide to give meds. another try you might need to start them at really tiny baby dosages and let your body adjust gradually to them. Don't know if this was what happened to you - I'm just guessing.
Prayers,
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Mitzi and thanks...what you said about how OCD can make you feel is really helpful. It's comforting to know that the way I end up feeling, although not normal is 'normal' for OCD. It helps me in my aim to accept the way I feel as OCD and although it may sound odd but after so many years of feeling different to people it's good to at least feel 'normal' for someone with OCD.

As to meds...I think the first problem was when my GP doubled my dose of prozac and I felt terrible anxiety...I was also on a lower does of amitryptiline which I'd been on for sleep but this was then upped and I stopped the prozac...that didn't feel like it did a lot so then he tried another one...on that my anxiety got worse and worse and then he told me to stop...like no tapering just stop. I know now that that was terrible advice but back then I just did it. I cannot tell you what a nightmare I went through. It took ages to get over it and I'm not even sure I have though I've had much, much better times. But I seem to go downhill if I'm not on anything. I've tried various things some of which work, some seem to make me worse and at the moment I'm back on amitryptiline 25mg twice a day. Even that caused a wobble in my acceptance cos it's not a usual drug for OCD and cos it helps I thought well maybe it's not OCD then. Stupid huh...thankfully I cam accross a guy on another forum with OCD who takes it. I most likely need a higher dose but we settled on ami at 50 mg cos it seemed a low risk dose and med. firstly for hen I had to go back on something in pregnancy and also cos I'm still feeding my son. I split it to minimise the sedating factor. It did seem to be helping quite a lot but recently I've been struggling more. I've got a horrible feeling I might be a bit depressed too which is a pain cos I was doing so much better. I was off meds for a lot of my pregnancy and felt terrible...it has been so nice post birth to feel so much better...to be able to just live instead of struggle. It's still been up and down but nowhere near the torment of pregnancy...but it's still so dissapointing when I go downhill again. Anyway that's my medication 'war and peace' epistle for you! Sounds like you suffered trying to find the right meds too...glad you did in the end!

Thanks again for you reply...I agree that the ruminating is a compulsion...and you need to really tell yourself to stop it before it gets out of control! Reminder sayings are a good idea...as is telling yourself it's your brain misfiring! I think I am managing to do this a bit more...I mean not take each spike and go off on a mental rollercoster of ruminating and analysing and reasurrance seeking. Trouble is my feelings haven't caught up with the game plan yet. They seem to be bubbling away even though I'm trying not to 'fix' things in my head. I guess the feelings are the last thing to catch up but it's still scary when they have such a life of their own.

How are you doing at the moment? Hows the book coming along? Hope you're having a good weekend...take care...Rachel

 

[gracealone]

As to meds...I think the first problem was when my GP doubled my dose of prozac and I felt terrible anxiety.

Hey Rachel, that was a bad decision on the part of your GP. Too big a jump for someone who has paradoxical anxiety responses to the meds. when increasing and when tapering. I have the same thing. A lot of GP's don't really do a good job of prescribing these meds. I think Psychiatrist's are better at it. So you really have to educate yourself about them.

..I was also on a lower does of amitryptiline which I'd been on for sleep but this was then upped and I stopped the prozac..
Probably would have been better to just go back down on the Prozac and go up very gradually.

.that didn't feel like it did a lot so then he tried another one...on that my anxiety got worse and worse and then he told me to stop...like no tapering just stop.
Yep.. same thing happened to my daughter in law who also has really bad OCD. Dr. put her on Effexor and then when she wanted to have a baby just yanked her off it really quick and put her on Wellbutrin. She was in really bad shape both mentally and physically for weeks. She called me and I told her that I'd read that Prozac can actually get rid of the discontinuation syndrome she was experiencing. So she went back and asked to be taken off the Wellbutrin and by the second day on Prozac all her discontinuation syndrome symptoms went away. By the way, she got scared about the Prozac when she got pregnant and went off it cold turkey for three weeks. She had absolutely no discontinuation syndrome but the OCD started creeping back in so she's back on the Prozac and doing very well. Seven months pregnant at this point.

I cannot tell you what a nightmare I went through. It took ages to get over it and I'm not even sure I have though I've had much, much better times.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, most especially because if it had been handled better you could have avoided all this misery.

Stupid huh...
Your fears and acceptance problems about the meds. are not stupid but are actually a symptom of OCD. My OCD made me dread medications to the point where I almost refused totally to give any of them a try. Then when I had struggles with them this only compounded my already exaggerted fears.

I've got a horrible feeling I might be a bit depressed too which is a pain cos I was doing so much better.
Step back from your feelings and take a moment to notice your wording here. "horrible feeling" - "might be..depressed". Do you recognize OCD in this too? Anxiety, doubt, checking to see if you're depressed, more anxiety, more doubt, more distress, more checking...
I only point this out because with this last flare of my OCD, the idea that I might be getting depressed became a montrous OCD theme. I ended up finally just accepting the uncertainty about it. I had to expose myself to that thought for a long time before it was cut down to a size that's bearable. My exposure statements went something like this. "Yep.. you're probably right Mitzi, you are depressed, and you'll eventually get so depressed that you'll end up hospitalized.. who knows you might even try to kill yourself.. then they'll have to use electroshock therapy on you and keep you in a padded cell." This is the agressive rather than passive therapy and it's best to do the passive therapy of just letting the thought be there without attending to it before tackling the agressive therapy.
Always remember that learning to live with the feeling of uncertainty is key to managing our OCD.
How are you doing at the moment?
I'm doing very well thankyou for asking. I still get the obsessions, but they are becoming less frequent and I'm getting better at turning away from them. This is really quite amazing to me because a year ago I was a real basket case. I would ask for your prayers though as I have lost my ability to drive for long distances again. It's a long story as to how this happened. I get major panic attacks when driving. It's not that I obsess while driving it's rather that driving is a trigger for my panic attacks. So I'm going through exposure/response in that I have to drive with panic attacks, very hard to operate a vehicle when having a panic attack. But the more I do it the less my brain will flip out about it. It will become habituated to it. I know this is true because I won this war a long time ago and I'm determined to win it again.
Hows the book coming along? Hope you're having a good weekend...take care...Rachel[/quote]
Right now we are in the process of moving, so the book isn't getting the attention it should. We have our other place up for sale too so we may be moving yet again in the very near future. So if I disappear from the site for a bit it's just because of the move. I'll be back.
Please continue to pray for me about the book. Specifically for discipline, organization skills,and a deep desire to write - not for myself - but in order that others may find some encouragement in the offering.
You have a great weekend too.
I'm in your corner kiddo and praying for you.
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Hi mitzi, thanks ever so much for your reply, you're a star!! It's so nice when someone understands the problems with the meds I've had...and the frustration that it need not have got so bad if the prescribing had been better. Back then I didn't have a diagnosis of OCD nor a Pychiatrist. I guess the good thing that has come from it is it forced me in a way to go and get that help whereas previosuly I think I would have been too scared...I also have ME and a lot of doctors will lump that in with mental health issues so I was really worried it might be dismissed but the psychiatrist confirmed that diagnosis whilst adding the OCD mainly Pure O and Anankastic persoanlity traits to it. When you need to use a wheelchair and a walking stick it's awful to think that may be cos of a mental health problem. I believe ME is physcial and thankfully the WHO seems too as well but many doctors still have negative reactions to it. My previous obsession was actually surrounding my diagnosis of ME...I was so scared that it may not be and that I was either depressed or lazy or various other options and I would push myself to ridiculous lengths to prove the diagnosis was true. So much so I made myself worse. In a way the fact he confirmed it might mean he does put it in the mental health category but at least he didn't dismiss it.

I'm so sorry your daughter-in-law has suffered too...she's fortunate to have you on her side!! When I planned on getting pregnant I tapered off the drugs really slowly but even then I went downhill. The decision to go back on something whilst pregnant was really hard cos advice varies from the very cautious to a much more positive approach. In the end I felt I just had to but I don't think it was till about the third trimester and it was a low dose; started on 25mg then up to 50 mg. Feeding him on them worried me too but again it seems to have a safe track record and low transfer...and I'm still on only 50mg. The royal college of psychiatrists advise that it's better for a woman to go on an anti-depressant if she needs one and continue breast feeding than go on it and stop. Unfortunately my GP didn't see any benefits to breast feeding beyond the first few weeks but thankfully I was more aware of the importance of it plus it was something I really wanted to do.

As to the being depressed issue...I think my wording may have implied that I was getting OCD feelings about it...thankfully I don't think I am but I know where you're coming from; If you worry about being depressed you're prolly more likely to end up that way. I think it's just that with the way I'm feeling I think depression may have crept in alongside the anxiety which I think is what does happen with me although I guess it can be a bit of a chicken and egg situation as to which comes first. I used to get so confused about what was wrong before I was diagnosed cos it wasn't quite like other anxiety I read about nor was it like pure depression...in the end I called it depriety...a mixture of the two! I think all I can do is try to treat it along with the anxiety...ie just try and live like you haven't got OCD and don't give the thoughts or feelings any air time...cos I think if the anxiety lifts so will any depression. I've known even when I felt so much better that I more than likely need a higher dose of medication but until I'm not likely to be affecting another life by what I take...ie breast feeding or any subsequent pregnancies...I just want to minimise any risks by taking as low a dose as I can without ending up really, hideously bad. Thankfully I have a really good psychiatrist...something not everyone can say!

I'm so pleased you're doing so well...I'm guessing it must be exciting as well with your grandchild on the way. I'm so impressed with your determination to beat the OCD with your driving...please God may he really bless your hard work!!

Moving is a very stressfull and busy time...hope you can have some chilling out moments as well! I can certainly understand why you wouldn't be able to post much...I hope it all goes well and you get to enjoy unpacking your home into your new house!

I will certainly pray for you regarding the book writing...it must be really hard to motivate yourself to write when you have so much else on...and even when things are quieter it can sometimes be hard to get going with a solo project. I guess as well that it may throw up all sorts of unpleasant memories and possibly even spikes so I take my hat off to you for doing this for others!! If your posts are anything to go by then your book is going to be a real blessing...and I'm not just saying that to be crawly...you and Sad have been such an encouragement and blessing to me...sorry if that sounds a bit like Christianese but I mean it!!

Thanks again for your support and prayers...and if you need some yourself you know where I am! It'll have to be via internet cos I don't think any of your bus services would get you to England and back in a day otherwise you'd be welcome for a coffee... Take care...Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Just wondering if anyone else gets this...I'm trying to do ERP and when I get a thought go through in my head the worst case scenarios. I've heard that doing this can help desentisize the brain to the thoughts if you actually bring them on and worsen them. However, I'm struggling somewhat with coming up with scenarios and role playing them in my mind. Usually I have a very good imagination and can think up all sorts of scenarios but with this it's like my mind is foggy and I can't concentrate properly.I try and imagine acting out the consequences of my thoughts...ie what I could do if they were true...and it's like keeping your eyes on something in a mist. I do manage it to an extent but wonder why it's so hard. Is it because when I get the spike thought I'm so quickly in panic mode that thinking rationally goes out the window and all I'm used to is thinking in a ruminating and obsessional way? I'm still going to persevere with it...hoping it'll work...but wondered if anyone else can relate to the difficulties I'm experiencing. Many thanks, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Just wondering if anyone else gets this...I'm trying to do ERP and when I get a thought go through in my head the worst case scenarios. I've heard that doing this can help desentisize the brain to the thoughts if you actually bring them on and worsen them. Hoever, I'm struggling somewhat with coming up with scenarios and role playing them in my mind. Usually I have a very good imagination and can think up all sorts of scenarios but with this it's like my mind is foggy and I can't concentrate properly.I try and imagine acting out the consequences of my thoughts...ie what I could do if they were true...and it's like keeping your eyes on something in a mist. I do manage it to an extent but wonder why it's so hard. Is it because when I get the spike thought I'm so quickly in panic mode that thinking rationally goes out the window and all I'm used to is thinking in a ruminating and obsessional way? I'm still going to persevere with it...hoping it'll work...but wondered if anyone else can relate to the difficulties I'm experiencing. Many thanks, Rachel

Hi Rachel! Way to go with the ERP! I had/have that problem, too. It is hard for me to follow through completely with the imaginal exposure because I get distracted or bored. Pretty soon I found that I was totally bored with the thoughts, and that's when I took the cue to move on to a stronger exposure exercise - script writing. I would type out letters detailing what I would say if I was going to get a divorce. I still do that, actually.. though I make sure to erase the letters once I'm done so no one will find them!

Anyway, I had that problem from the beginning. Stick with it and keep forcing the thoughts. Soon you'll find yourself completely desensitized to the thoughts and you'll know when it's time to move on to another exposure.