Feeling so low.

[RachelZ]

Hi all...hope you're doing OK! I've been trying to apply the whole ERP thing...I think it is helping a bit when I pray...like I'm trying not to get caught in a bog of worries re. God and me but trust in God not myself. And I'm trying to do it with my relationship as well...so when I get a thought I'm trying to do the whole "Maybe so" and leave it at that. The thing is, the more I do it the more I seem to become certain that my fears are true and I then feel really low. I think I'm prolly a bit on the depresed side anyway so it's hard to determine what comes first the feelings and the thoughts or vice versa. The trouble is, all relationships have issues so I can't relegate all concerns to OCD but each concern seems to cause me so much anxiety and/or deep sadness. Sometimes it feels less like a spike and more like a terrible realisation. I know my best friend when I talk to her about stuff feels that even with any real issues which there are bound to be, the OCD impacts them and it's my response that it causing the main problem. The trouble is as well as the OCD I think my OCPD traits come into play so I find any little imperection a big deal. I'm getting really cranky with my hubby and am also finding it hard to be as patient with my little one which is so unfair on both of them. Sometimes I just find it so hard to hold onto this being to do with me rather than my relationship. Can anyone understand the gut wrenching dread and sickness that you would feel if you felt that rather than being married to someone who was right for you but OCD was interfering, that you were married to someone that brought out all the worst in you and made you like this? It makes me feel horrible as well as guilty. It doesn't help that my hubby's brother is getting married and I imagine how they're feeling and then think how I feel and think anyone who felt like this would not think things were OK with the relationship.

I know I'm supposed to just say well no pain no gain with the ERP but honestly I really fear I am barking up the wrong tree. I look back at when I felt better and try and hold onto that but sometimes I feel such despair that this is how my life is going to be and nothing I do can change that. One thing that strikes me again and again with people talking about their OCD is how they say they KNOW the thoughts aren't really what they feel but what if...etc etc. So Surely I should be able to say "Well I KNOW me and my hubby are right for each other!" and then go on to question why it then is that I feel anxious. That to me is what OCD is about...what is wrong with me is something I really can't answer! I'm scared, I'm depresed and I'm worn out. (Please don't read the next bit if you think you're feeling iffy and might spike.) One thing that comes back to haunt me again and again is something in the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. There's this woman who has gotten married and then she develops what seems to me to be OCDish like behaviour where she's ritually praying and gets in a real state. When she finally accepts her marriage is wrong and leaves she recovers! Now I'm not saying for one instance that I'm going to leave my hubby...not at all...but neither can I deny that this woman improved when she faced the truth. If I live a life of denial will I ever recover? And yet even when I try and just face what seems to be the truth I don't get any peace. Maybe this is God allowing me to live in the consequences of my sin and stupidity? I feel so alone cos I feel like I've got this private inner turmoil that 99% of the world have no idea about. What can I do? I see my Psychiatrist on Friday but I know that any more therapy would be a miracle. And lots of people have relationship problems so maybe they'll just think I'm an anxious person dealing with that.

I'm sorry...I wish I could be more positive but it wouldn't be real cos it's not how I feel...I feel like I need a miracle...I need to either have the strength to face reality or the ability to apply ERP and/or mindfullness. Please God help me cos I can't...sorry again...take care, Rachel

PS I really hope the thing about the book didn't make anyone spike.

 

[kaysgirl57]

I'm new here hon, but I have had issues with anxiety and depression, and I want you to know I'll be praying for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks...I really appreciate that...and welcome to the site...it's a really friendly and caring place! Take care, Rachel

 

[gracealone]

HI Rachel,
OCD will always, always take you into relentless circular debates, (expect that), and trust me you can never outlogic it or solve it. The only way out is to stop demanding certainty. This means living in the maze without looking for the exits until the walls no longer freak us out.
When it comes to relationships there simply aren't any proofs or irrefutable evidences of things like love, faithfulness, loyalty etc. Those things are based in faith. And faith cannot be based in our emotions because our emotions are as unstable and unpredictable as the weather. Therefore when our emotions are unstable and unbalanced we have to choose to act in faith without emotional validation.
I'm so glad you have an appt. on Fri. with your Dr. Now you have to be very courageous and completely open and honest about the content of your obsessions, how they make you feel and what you do in response to them. You musn't minimize the debiltating pain you are in or speak in a vague and obsure way about the spikes. Even if that means you have to face the possibility/risk/uncertainty that the Dr. might tell you something you don't want to hear. Your OCD has grabbed onto that and thrown it in your face too. Lot's of sneak attacks with this disorder.
As far as your feeling worse when doing the ERP - that is also to be expected. What you are doing is forcing your brain to consider the worse case scenario and that is of course going to put you through a painful period of exposure. You're on the right track even though it feels like the wrong one. Just don't push yourself to do too much too fast and don't punish yourself for not getting it right all the time.
I know you're in agony and I want you to know that I understand what that's like and I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

Hi all...hope you're doing OK! I've been trying to apply the whole ERP thing...I think it is helping a bit when I pray...like I'm trying not to get caught in a bog of worries re. God and me but trust in God not myself. And I'm trying to do it with my relationship as well...so when I get a thought I'm trying to do the whole "Maybe so" and leave it at that. The thing is, the more I do it the more I seem to become certain that my fears are true and I then feel really low. I think I'm prolly a bit on the depresed side anyway so it's hard to determine what comes first the feelings and the thoughts or vice versa. The trouble is, all relationships have issues so I can't relegate all concerns to OCD but each concern seems to cause me so much anxiety and/or deep sadness. Sometimes it feels less like a spike and more like a terrible realisation. I know my best friend when I talk to her about stuff feels that even with any real issues which there are bound to be, the OCD impacts them and it's my response that it causing the main problem. The trouble is as well as the OCD I think my OCPD traits come into play so I find any little imperection a big deal. I'm getting really cranky with my hubby and am also finding it hard to be as patient with my little one which is so unfair on both of them. Sometimes I just find it so hard to hold onto this being to do with me rather than my relationship. Can anyone understand the gut wrenching dread and sickness that you would feel if you felt that rather than being married to someone who was right for you but OCD was interfering, that you were married to someone that brought out all the worst in you and made you like this? It makes me feel horrible as well as guilty. It doesn't help that my hubby's brother is getting married and I imagine how they're feeling and then think how I feel and think anyone who felt like this would not think things were OK with the relationship.

I know I'm supposed to just say well no pain no gain with the ERP but honestly I really fear I am barking up the wrong tree. I look back at when I felt better and try and hold onto that but sometimes I feel such despari that this is how my life is going to be and nothing I do can change that. One thing that strikes me again and again with people talking about their OCD is how they say they KNOW the thoughts aren't really what they feel but what if...etc etc. So Surely I should be able to say "Well I KNOW me and my hubby are right for each other!" and then go on to question why it then is that I feel anxious. That to me is what OCD is about...what is wrong with me is something I really can't answer! I'm scared, I'm depresed and I'm worn out. (Please don't read the next bit if you think you're feeling iffy and might spike.) One thing that comes back to haunt me again and again is something in the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. There's this woman who has gotten married and then she develops what seems to me to be OCDish like behaviour where she's ritually praying and gets in a real state. When she finally accepts her marriage is wrong and leaves she recovers! Now I'm not saying for one instance that I'm going to leave my hubby...not at all...but neither can I deny that this woman improved when she faced the truth. If I live a life of denial will I ever recover? And yet even when I try and just face what seems the truth I don't get any peace. Maybe this is God allowing me to live in the consequences of my sin and stupidity? I feel so alone cos I feel like I've got this private inner turmoil that 99% of the world have no idea about. What can I do? I see my Psychiatrist on Friday but I know that any more therapy would be a miracle. And lots of people have relationship problems so maybe they'll just think I'm an anxious person dealing with that.

I'm sorry...I wish I could be more positive but it wouldn't be real cos it's not how I feel...I feel like I need a miracle...I need to either have the strength to face reality or the ability to apply ERP and/or mindfullness. Please God help me cos I can't...sorry again...take care, Rachel

PS I really hope the thing about the book didn't make anyone spike.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, if you read over everything you wrote, there is nothing new here, nothing shocking or revealing. It is the same story that you have had for six years.

Can anyone understand the gut wrenching dread and sickness that you would feel if you felt that rather than being married to someone who was right for you but OCD was interfering, that you were married to someone that brought out all the worst in you and made you like this?

Of course I can. But does that change anything? No. If it were true, I would still stay married and obey God. The moment God allowed my hubby and I to get married, it no longer became a "mistake," because God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't sit in heaven and say "ha ha, I'm going to punish you with a life of torture by being married to the wrong man." No, he is a God of love and peace, not one of spite and hate. As for the woman who left her marriage in the book, does that make it right? She may feel better in the short term, but will have to deal with the consequences of divorce eventually.

So you FEEL like your thoughts are true. So does every other OCD sufferer on this planet. No one can rationally work their way to convince themselves that it's "just OCD" and be done with it once and for all. OCD doesn't work that way. You have taken the first step by saying "maybe so." But you give OCD more credence and credit when you keep analyzing your reaction to "maybe so." the more you try to logic your way out of this, using feelings as your guide, the deeper you will get. You just can't use your feelings right now. In my deepest times my feelings were the most convincing things that OCD was a bunch of baloney and it was all true. What are feelings? They are as uncontrollable as how many times our heart beats in a minute, how long it takes for food to digest in our stomachs. There is a part of the brain that is a machine - it keeps us living by pumping blood, digesting food, breathing without command, etc. Our emotional sector gets mixed up in this uncontrollable machine section of the brain.. it sends us feelings that we don't like, we don't want to feel, but WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. When you say "maybe so," and accept the terrible feelings, remind yourself you really have no control over these feelings. OCD will make you feel anything it wants to make you feel. Say to your brain "ok, you do your thing, I'm going to do mine." OCD CANNOT CONTROL OUR ACTIONS. It can control lots of things, but we have the ultimate say in how we act.

This following is from Claire Weekes who Dr. Philipson bases a lot of his therapy on.

http://controllinganxiety.com/dsp_downloads.php

You can listen to Claire Weekes' teaching on that site, but someone thoughtfully summed them up on SIAD:

1. Live with anxiety, live with panic, live with fear.

2. Don't rush recovery.

3. Be prepared to think and feel anything.

4. Don't expect acceptance to work miracles immediately.

5. if recovery is slow, don't be disappointed.

6. Do not begrudge setbacks; you recover in setbacks. Setbacks are your friend.

7. Don't test yourself, just practice acceptance. Practice that brings failure means you can practice once again. Testing that brings failure means defeat.

8. Don't waste time trying to figure out why we manage so well one day and not the next. Acceptance should be written on your heart.

9. Acceptance will begin to remove the symptoms of anxiety.

10. Exaggerated emotions can delude us.

11. We exhaust our capacity to feel normal emotions because we have felt fearful emotions for so long.

12. We are so easily bluffed by our feelings.

13. Pass through these fears over and over again with utter acceptance.

14. Relax your attitude to this illeness. When a mind becomes tired, it loses its resilience making obsessions cling more stubbornly.

15. Remove fear with understanding and acceptance; obsessions will lose their driving power.

16. Accept fear, be unafraid of fear, don't fight it.

17. When memory of your fear slips back, you don't have to slip back with it.

18. contemplation is a killer! time must be allowed to pass.

19. be patient in your recovery.

20. confidence comes only from experience. some of the best experiences come from setbacks.

You are feeling temporary pain. I know this pain all too well. I can tell you how far I have come. In the midst of my OCD, if I felt any negative emotion towards my DH, I would take this as "gospel" that I didnt' love him and actually hated him. I FELT like I didn't like him or didn't love him. I FEARED that I hated him! How awful! I told myself I was a bad, evil person. What wife feels this way? That was in the middle of OCD.

Where am I now? I know I can feel annoyed with him (as I do at times!!) but also know I love him with all my heart. I did not know this while in the throes of OCD. I felt the exact opposite. I did not "know" deep down that it was all OCD. There was NO reassurance that it was "just OCD" and not "the truth."

Look, I know it looks bleak right now. I know you're worried that you'll get over OCD and find out it wasn't OCD at all (haven't we all had that fear?) You are taking the first steps, but continue to learn all you can about ERP. When I started I did all the research I could. I drew up a recovery plan. I kept an online private journal to document everything... scripting exposures, imaginal exposures, how I felt each day, reminders of ERP, success stories, etc. Eventually, I just became really bored with the thoughts. That doesn't mean that I don't get spikes here and there that send me little jolts of anxiety every now and then, but I am better at letting them go.

To feel assured of my love for my DH and God, too, wasn't the goal of ERP. It was a nice side effect from it. The goal of ERP is to continue to be committed and devoted IN SPITE OF a lack of emotions. That goes for hubby and God. Do I ALWAYS feel like going to church? No, most Sundays I'm tired and want to sleep in instead of going to church. Do I go anyway, in spite of how I feel? Yes, and I reap benefits of Christian fellowship and hearing God's word because of it. But I don't always feel like going or worshipping. Sometimes I'm downright grumpy because I would rather sleep in! But I do it anyway. That is what God asks of us, in our relationship with Christ and our relationship with our spouses.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I heartily agree with what Mitzi and Sad said. A big ditto there! The only thing that I feel led to add is about that book thing. That just doesn't ring true with me. OCD is not cured or caused by getting into or out of a marriage. Now, as we have discussed, on this forum before, extreme stress can exacerbate OCD. (but the absence doesn't cure it either) I don't know what the author of the book you read did or did not experience, but whatever, would have to be the exception to the rule. And perhaps, it was not even OCD. I wouldn't let that one trouble you as much as it does. It just doesn't sound applicable to what most of have experienced if that makes any sense. (And yes, I know just telling you not to let that bother you when that borders on your personal obsession may be fruitless.) But if it helps at ALL, just know that true OCD is not affected by who you are or are not married to. That's my opinion anyway. No expert here, but I've fought the nemesis of OCD since I was 7 and unfortunately, I do know it first hand pretty well.

Prayers for you, Rachel

 

[Little Sapling]

y'know... it's easy to get swung into the waves of guilt and shame as we pray.. sometimes..i even find myself getting stuck before God cause i'am so afraid in all the wrong ways that abba daddy doesn't love me. but i think more than anything God wants us to know he is a compassionate father. it's so hard to grasp the concept because of all the stories we hear now a days about divorce and father's walking out...etc.etc..

Abba truly cares.

 

[forgiveable]

Rachel,
I was looking at this part of what you wrote...

I know my best friend when I talk to her about stuff feels that even with any real issues which there are bound to be, the OCD impacts them and it's my response that it causing the main problem. The trouble is as well as the OCD I think my OCPD traits come into play so I find any little imperection a big deal. I'm getting really cranky with my hubby and am also finding it hard to be as patient with my little one which is so unfair on both of them. Sometimes I just find it so hard to hold onto this being to do with me rather than my relationship. Can anyone understand the gut wrenching dread and sickness that you would feel if you felt that rather than being married to someone who was right for you but OCD was interfering, that you were married to someone that brought out all the worst in you and made you like this? It makes me feel horrible as well as guilty.


What I've found that works the best is in the moment that I felt like lashing out or acting in a certain way toward my husband when I was upset. If instead I did the complete opposite of what I felt like doing it nearly always cleared up the whole situation. This took many days and weeks to accomplish because it takes a while to make it a habit. If I felt like I wanted to say something not so nice... I simply decided to say something nice.
It's really weird because it takes a lot of diligence but in the end I would feel less cranky because I felt as though I had "put my best foot forward"

I don't know if that will help you but because it's contrary to the thoughts, then they quit running your life...
Small steps... and it's great that you are getting some form of counselling too.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks everyone...I do feel a bit better today. I wish I could work out what makes the better times better and vice versa but sometimes it seems so random but one thing I do know is that yesterday your responses really did help!

Thanks for your wisdom and understanding Mitzi and also your willingness and ability to communicate that to others!! I agree that my emotions are a very unstable and unpredictable guide...sometimes I think I've really hated my emotions; but then I guess it's the same as any pain - without it we wouldn't have the warning that something is wrong. Yes I do need to tell the Psychiatrist how I've been feeling...it's a checkup appointment not one I've made especially cos Ive been feeling bad...I'm just not sure what more he can do for me at the moment cos an increase or change in meds isn't that viable an option and I know that short of a miracle the NHS won't be sending me for any more therapy at this stage. However, at least he'll know I still need his support and maybe something he says may help though it is scary that maybe he'll say something to make me feel worse. I would appreciate your prayer as there could be a chance that he may say I have to change Psychiatrist as I've had to change my GP. He's good and he's nice and not arrogant and very supportive re. the little one so I'd be sorry to lose him!

I know Sad...it borders on boring it's so repetative! Sometimes it can feel like a new idea has struck you but often it's just a mutant of all the other OCD wrangles! It is so encouraging to hear where you have been and are now at with the OCD...and also your determination to do what is right, seeing the resulting change in emotions as a pleasant side affect rather than the only aim! Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts re you DH...it is helpful to see what others go through. I just wondered, now you're so much better, do you ever see that there are things which may be issues but which you know the OCD threw out of perspective? Don't worry if you'd rather not say! Thanks for that quote...it will be a good thing to refer back to! I'm so pleased your'e so much better and more than that that you are willing to give others the benfit of your experience! Thanks for your patience...I wind me up let alone other people with my ruminating cycles!! (Sounds like the name of a bike shop! )

Thanks KayKay...your take on that book is helpful. It's jsut something that keeps rearing its ugly head to worry me. All I do know is when I did split up with my now hubby before we were married, I did not enjoy a sudden recovery! Part of me wants to say but maybe thats cos I had allowed myself to become ill as a result of a wrong situation but...You have permission to bash me for that one!! Thank you for understanding how hard it can be to take on board the advice even of those like yourself who are well experienced with this disorder...I'm so sorry you have suffered so young and throughout your life to date but please know that at least it is not fruitless...you are willing to share your experience and that is something others who haven't suffered can't do to the same effect! (Though for your sake I would rather you hadn't had to!) Hope that doesn't sound trite or patronising!

Hi Little Sapling...yes I struggle with the image of an Abba Daddy too...thank you for sharing that...it's good to see that although others feel that way with God they have found the strength to challenge their view and try to see God as He has revelade Himself to be....ie loving and compassionate!

Thanks Forgiveable...yes you're right in that we need to do Love, not just wait to Feel it! It's helpful the way you describe it cos it's not just about refraining from being cranky but actively being loving. Please don't worry if you'd rather not say, but do you mind me asking if OCD something that has affected your relationship too?

Many thanks again to you all and I hope and pray we all have a good and peaceful day...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I know Sad...it borders on boring it's so repetative! Sometimes it can feel like a new idea has struck you but often it's just a mutant of all the other OCD wrangles! It is so encouraging to hear where you have been and are now at with the OCD...and also your determination to do what is right, seeing the resulting change in emotions as a pleasant side affect rather than the only aim! Thank you for aharing some of your thoughts re you DH...it is helpful to see what others go through. I just wondered, now you're so much better, do you ever see that there are things which may be issues but which you know the OCD threw out of perspective? Don't worry if you'd rather not say! Thanks for that quote...it will be a good thing to refer back to! I'm so pleased your'e so much better and more than that that you are willing to give others the benfit of your experience! Thanks for your patience...I wind me up let alone other people with my ruminating cycles!! (Sounds like the name of a bike shop! )

As to things that are issues that perhaps OCD blew out of context... yep, sure. I can tell you an issue we are working on right now is spending quality time together. Between work, school, church activities, Bible studies, landscaping our backyard, etc. we don't really have a lot of quality time together.

The natural response to this may be "I'm sad or I feel I'm missing out on spending quality time with my spouse. How do we fix this?" With my DH and I, usually if I'm feeling it, he's feeling the same, too. So we know how to remedy this problem, however this time since there are more outside factors we look at things we're involved in, such as do we cut out one church activity to spend some time together? Or will things lighten up when the landscaping is done? Is this a temporary problem that we push through, or is it one that we don't see naturally correcting itself in the near future, so we need to take some actions to make it better (i.e. limiting church commitments)?

If I happen to be obsessing or in the middle of a bad run with OCD, usually what would start off is me feeling anxious and begin analyzing our relationship. Do we spend enough time together? What if we don't? What if that means that our marriage is going downhill and headed towards divorce? What if he doesn't want to be married to me anymore? Would I care if he told me he wanted a divorce? What does that mean?! Does that mean I don't love him?! Why can't I feel any sort of calmness or loving feelings about this?? Shouldn't I have some sort of FEELING that tells me that everything is OK? Oh no, do *I* have any desire to spend time with him? Why can't I tell? Why can't I feel it?

From there it just kind of snowballs into questioning every decision, like if I want to go shopping by myself, my OCD will say "you really enjoy shopping by yourself because you'd rather be alone than married," which results in feeling either guilty or anxious about it. It's like a high-powered microscope that looks for anything to support my fears. Husband gets on my nerves? Suddenly that means I must not love him or we aren't supposed to be married. After all in my mind, nobody every gets annoyed with their spouse. Basically ANY negative emotion (anger, hurt, irritation, etc.) indicates to my OCD that my fears are real and valid. For some reason in my mind, negative emotion = I cannot possibly love my husband. LOL! It is ABSURD writing it out. I see how faulty my thought processing is. But that is what OCD has associated itself with, that's what it loves to torture me with.

By the way I go through the same thing with my belief/love for God. Don't feel like going to church? That must mean I'd rather be an athiest. Didn't pray before going to bed? Obviously I don't believe in God, duh! Don't feel like doing the Christian thing to my neighbor? I'm an evil athiest and I'm doomed to hell. Don't feel like I believe in God? That's it, I'm hopeless!!!!

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more questions. by the way I also have OCPD and it's really hard on relationships in general. I feel very judgmental because of it, and I don't like it. So I totally understand that aspect of it.

 

[forgiveable]

Thanks Forgiveable...yes you're right in that we need to do Love, not just wait to Feel it! It's helpful the way you describe it cos it's not just about refraining from being cranky but actively being loving. Please don't worry if you'd rather not say, but do you mind me asking if OCD something that has affected your relationship too?

In response to your question, yes
I have used several of those techniques that I described and not just with my husband. I used to think his dear grandmother hated me because she would always say things that were a little snippy. One day I decided that no matter what she said I wasn't going to take it as if she was being rude. Within two weeks we were and still are best of friends. She is now 93.
Another thing I found was that if I felt as though my husband and I weren't spending quality time together or I was feeling as though he wasn't paying attention to me I would say "We need to go on a date !" No kids! Find a babysitter and set a night aside even if only for 30minutes and mark it on the calendar. Don't push it aside for anything!
That way if I was feeling guilty for not spending enough time with him I could look back on the calendar at when we did spend some good- quality time together.
Yes there were days when I would rather just get a divorce but they got to be less and less because of our date nights.
Sometimes we were so tight on money that McDonalds and and ice cream was all we could afford or a walk at the park or a ride in the car but I was bound and determined to get the time I needed and also be a good listener in order to establish a good relationship with him. (this tends to cut out all the other thoughts and allows you to really enjoy the moments you have to yourself without feeling guilty)
We learned that at some seminars and through some counselors
I know see that if I had gone through with a divorce and not invested the time in my marriage I would have been worse off, but I couldn't see that then.
Also if you implement the date nights discuss it with your hubby and you may find that he would love to spend more than just two date nights in a month. He may want 4 date nights in a month. I could go on and on about simple things that have been really helpful but the biggest thing is sticking with whatever works for you.
I found that after 6 weeks the date nights would dwindle and I would have to get back to writing them down.
I hope that this helps... ~Brandi

 

[firiel amdir]

*

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Friel...that's not a problem at all...as far as I can see all the threads are open to members posting and responding and I for one am more than happy if someone gets encouraged through me having a rant and someone like Gracealone responding! Actually I don't think I know how to do quotes properly either so don't feel bad about that one. I'm sure someone techy would be able to help you.

Thanks Forgiveable, it sounds like you have some good ideas that you've put into practice. We actually did get to watch a DVD last night...being totally mature and sensible people it was Shrek II...not sure how many times it is we've watched that now! You're so right in that it's important to amke time together...even without OCD affecting things I think that's wise advice! Thanks again!

Hey Sad...I know you replied first but I hope you don't mind being left till last...I'm just working backwards through the list today...absolutely nothing personal! Thank you so much for sharing all that about how you think and feel when the OCD has gotten a hold...honestly it was incredible how similar you sounded to me! (In fact when you said about landscaping your backyard I started to think we were living in a parallel universe...) I hope you have at least some idea how helpful it was for me to read about your experiences and thought processes...in a way it normalises - at least in terms of it being normal for OCD - how I think and feel. What may be just a small or manageable issue when I feel better suddenly becomes something huge and scary and then I look at the way I feel around and about my hubby and that compunds the problem cos "surely it can't be right to feel like this so that must be proof that all I fear is true!" It's hard not to fall into the trap of thinking that if all was well I wouldn't have felt like this in the first place...I used to get quite a bit of comfort from the realisation that I'd have been like this whoever I was with but even that reassurance doesn't work so well any more...proof of what I think you said the other week about reassurances working less effictively as time goes by! It's hard to describe how bad I can feel in an almost paranoid way around my hubby when I get bad...and the feelings feel like they signify that something is really wrong...and yet when I improve I feel so fortunate to have someone like him! I'm guessing you can understand that. Trying to ignore the feelings feels a bit like ignoring a fire alarm...or ignoring the fact that you've woken up and heard an intruder downstairs. You're told it's a dream and to go back to sleep but what if it isn't? Thanks so much for all your support and the offer of answering any more questions...no doubt I'll have some! Re. the OCPD...I think I was diagnosed with traits of it rather than the full blown thing...I can definitely identify to certain aspects of it and the being overly critical...I hate that in me too! Thanks for sharing about that...I think you may have before but it was good to be reminded! With regard to the Christian thing...I get so full of fear about what if I'm doing things the wrong way...I was brought up to believe the gifts wern't for today and now I've changed my belief and go to a very different church to my parents. I think I was brought up with quite a scary God and I get very worried in case He is more like that than the merciful one people on here and others I know talk about. Reading the bible can send me out into anxiety orbit...as you've prolly realised by now! I have often had a sense that God is angry with me and am trying to pray and relate to Him despite this at the moment in a kind of ERP way.

Anyway...thanks again to you all...hope your backyard gets done soon Sad...I'll be so happy when our garden etc is done!! You've all helped me yet again and I'm really grateful to God for you! I really will try and use what you have said to help me change...take care and God bless, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Rachel, looks like you're feeling a bit more positive today! Don't know if I have used this analogy before but every day with OCD is like spinning a wheel and seeing how you feel in terms of bad feelings, being able to deal with the thoughts, etc. For me it always amazes me how good I feel after a good night's sleep. One day can be anxious and the next you really feel like you've got a handle on this thing!

Hubby and I went to Bible study at our church last night and our pastor said something that really struck a chord with me. Lately, because of just being overwhelmed by life or the seasons changing, I was thinking yesterday that I don't feel "happy" a lot anymore and I focus on all the negative things about life.

So our pastor was talking yesterday and he brought up that it is not God's ultimate goal for us to be happy in life. Being happy is more of like a reaction to happenstance. Such as, I'm happy because I got a pay raise, or I'm happy because we're going on vacation. Happiness is not a frame of mind, rather an emotional reaction to happenings. That is not to say that God doesn't want us to be happy. Rather, instead of it being a constant emotional state, it is an emotional reaction to something that has happened. But we get caught up in asking ourselves "are we happy?" and naturally we can always find things to be unhappy about. We focus on all the things that can make us unhappy.

However, what God does want for us is to have a joyful spirit. This really struck me, and made me think of you (and me!) in our struggles with this. Every marriage has challenges, there is no denying this. As forgiveable said above, there are times that she felt it would be easier to get a divorce. I think most people who are married could admit to the same thing. When you have OCPD (full blown, or traits) it is very hard to have a joyful spirit because we are always criticizing or judging other people. For me I know that it is related to OCD because when I get like that I also become very anxious.

Anyway, so it really struck me last night - and by the way, we are studying John's letters, and I was feeling anxious because our pastor was discussing heresy and testing yourself and ensuring you have a Godly life... whoa fodder for OCD! But the joyful spirit part stuck with me. I keep going back to last year around this time when I was free from my OCD worries, and life felt very happy to me. I kept wondering what was missing from my life that is keeping me from being happy. When I look back, though, there were no circumstances (except perhaps being OCD free) that would have made me feel happy. Instead, I think what I truly had was a joyful spirit, which was hard sometimes because if my OCD did bug me it was about my belief/love for God. But I felt very joyful, even though during that time my dad and grandfather both had heart attacks, I had a miscarriage, things started falling apart with my brother and his new wife... there were a LOT of circumstances that had every chance to make me unhappy.

Anyway, my long-winded point is that while I totally believe OCD is going on in your life, something that may help combat it is praying and asking God for a joyful spirit. I get so down about things in life - OCD, money, time, circumstances, etc. and yet we really have every reason in the world to be joyful. We can be joyful in times of pain, anxiety, depression. Last night when I got home I prayed that God would give me a joyful spirit. I think I am going to start out my day with a prayer that focuses on having a joyful spirit in everything I do. I know that God can change my attitude, and perhaps this will have an affect on the OCPD part of me.

One last thing, your fire alarm analogy (with ignoring the feelings) is exactly what it feels like. Our brain for whatever reason chooses a topic to send us warning signals about and we have to learn to ignore them. Feels like you're ignoring the most important issue in the world, but so far it's been six years since you've been ignoring the fire alarm and the world hasn't come to an end just yet.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...thanks for an excellent post...I'm glad you managed to not let the OCD fodder get in the way of you taking something positive from the bible study! You are absolutely right in that happiness depends on happenings...whereas joy is a different kettle of fish altogether and can be experienced even in difficult times! It sounds like you had a really horrible year last year...I hope that this one has been better for you!

Yes I do feel a bit more positive...though a little nervous about my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon. I don't know about you but sometimes the anxiety feels less focussed and though that's not nice nothing is as bad as the hideousness of the real OCD type feelings. I feel teetery if that makes sense.

I think your idea of starting the day asking for a joyful attitude is a brilliant one...I will try and give that a go too! Perspective is such a powerful thing and with a more Godly one, thing's that look grey can sometimes and in some ways seem more like silver.

I agree that the OCPD side of things can really cause me to have critical attitudes. I hope you don't think me saying I had traits not the full blown thing was a slite at anyone who has...I was a little confused when I got my diagnosis but it did say anankastic persoanlity traits, (in case you didn't know that's another word for OCPD,) which I think means they didn't diagnose the disorder but that I have attributes of it if that makes sense. I totally agree that the two seem related which is funny cos I've read they're two very different things, but I think when you have both they can blur into each other. I mean I think the OCPD thing will maybe cause me to be very critical of things my hubby will do and the OCD will then have a field day with it. And like with little things I get hung up on if they're not exactly right...it's like is that the OCD or the OCPD? It get's confusing! The wierd thing is, in some ways I think I can be quite laid back. I wonder which is the real me!

I really do appreciate you sharing how you are...I know that doing so can be hard at times, especially on a forum...but it is so comforting and encouraging to find someone I can so identify with! I have been feeling lately a little bit like I could really do with a female friend who lives near me who is a Christian who I can really gel with. A few friends have moved away over the past few years not least my best friend; and then our home group leaders who really madde us feel valued moved earlier this year. I feel a bit like in the past maybe I've made good friends relatively easily cos I put in so much effort and the trouble is I no longer feel I can or even should go so beyond myself to try and please others. We have a good church and home group but still no-one I feel I am especially close to amongst them. It's a shame you live so far away but with the current financial clinate in the UK I think meeting up for a coffee might be a bit beyond my financial means! LOL Maybe we can at least encourage one another and others here too with the aim of having a joyful spirit and a pleasing attitude before God even over and above peace and happiness! That sounds so easy to say but I know for me peace is a highly sought after and prized emotion...but still I'd rather be like Job who, though he was in the pit and was honest, did not fall into the trap of speaking wrong of God like his 'comforters' did. The fearful part of me feels that's a dangerous statement to make but rather than delete it I'm going to try and trust in God's love for me instead! Here's to ignoring fire alarms...whatever they sound like! Please God will you help us all to have a joyful spirit no matter how else we feel...and bless Sad for passing on what she feels she has been learning...in Jesus name amen.

Thanks again, hope you and others here too have a good weekend...take care, Rachel