Feeling really sad

[OrangeHope]

This might not be the best place to put this, so I'm sorry if it isn't I just didn't know where else to post since I asked for the same advice in WD but the thread got really nasty comments so I decided I'm not gonna post there again and just take a break from CF. I'm back cause I really need some Christian advice since I'm not able to get a hold of a counselor in my church and they haven't gotten back to me yet, so I'm still waiting to set up an appointment.

For the past 3 months my Dad has stopped calling me, and won't talk at all to my DH. long story short, my Dad's GF felt DH was rude to her cause he didn't want our Daughter watching too much tv that Dad's GF was showing her. Well right after that I called my Dad up and asked him what all this issue going on with my DH and his gf, Dad said everything is fine now (after talking rudely to my DH and not giving him a chance to talk) but I told him I would like him to come over so we could talk just him and I, he said o.k but never called back (which is weird since that's not like him). so I gave it a week or 2 since I didn't want to seem pushy and called him back but he would never answer his phone and I always ended up leaving him a message, I would remind him I wanted to talk and he would always say o.k but never called and came over to talk.

Fast forward the beginning of this month there where big fires in his home town so I called him up but of course he didn't answer so I left him a message asking if he and his FG are o.k and if their houses are o.k....he never got back to me and then I saw on his GF's facebook that they were in a different State...My Dad finally calls back yesterday but I was with my baby so DH answers and asks him how he's doing but my Dad had a rude tone of voice and only asked where I was and that I should call him back cause he has important info for me....I called him back and he said what he wanted to tell me and I asked about his and his gf's house because of the fires and he said they are o.k. so I told him he should come over to visit and that I would really like to talk to him, and he said I should come over so he and his gf can talk to me and told me to take the bus and bring the baby with me.....(ummm huh so DH isn't invited??) I told him I'm pretty busy and I have been asking him for a while now to come over so we can talk. but my Dad wouldn't even let me finish and just said "or you come over and visit your Dad."

Basically he would only have it his way, and I wanted to talk to him alone without his GF cause she seems to be influencing not in a good way, yet I didn't want to talk to him about his GF but about the way he's been treating my DH, my Daughter and I so it will give him time to think a bit for him self, but now it's like he won't talk without his GF....

I really don't get this, 3 months ago he said every thing was fine, yet he stopped calling, wouldn't come over, acted weird when talking to me on the phone, now he comes back from vacation with his gf and tells me we need to talk (him, his gf and I) at his house and wouldn't have it any other way. This just feels very uncomfortable, since my Dad is the kind of person that won't listen when he doesn't want to yet when he wants to talk everyone needs to clear their schedule for him.

I have thought of being the mature one and just going over to their house, DH said he'll drive me and then go over to friend, but we both worry my Dad and his gf won't let me talk and just gang up on me. I'm a pretty naive person and it's hard for me to put my foot down but I am slowly learning how to not let people walk all over me and the one's I love. but it still has me scared, since they have ganged up on me before and I went all blank but maybe I should just learn to some how get over that and go over. another reason I don't want to go over is because both my DH and I don't feel comfortable, mostly after how my Dad talked to my DH and that's why I asked him to come over to tell him that.

Should I stay firm and tell my Dad I don't feel comfortable going over and that's why I need him to be here or should I just go over and try to talk and see if they're willing to listen to what I have to say?

 

[McScribe]

I'd tell him. You can keep it kind of open ended to see what he says and maybe there will be compromise. One of the things that concerns me here is that you are learning to stand up for yourself. One element of doing that is listening to your instincts about people.

 

[jacks]

As hard as it is, I would go over and talk with him. Keep the door open and try to be the "mature one". I had to do this with my parents and it worked out in the long run. It won't get better all at once, but in the long run you will be glad you reached out, even when he doesn't.

 

[OrangeHope]

Thank you both for your replies!
I'm leaning more towards just going over cause I have a feeling my Dad will just argue with me and it's just not worth it.
I'm willing to listen to what they have to say but if they don't let me have a say to and just tell me to shut up and listen (something my Dad has said to me before) I know I have the option to get out of a bad situation by leaving and having my DH come get me.

 

[Jakihe]

I'm wondering why your husband isn't invited and yet your dad's gf will be there.
Your husband has every right to be there. You are his wife and you have a child together which is part of the issue (tv).
I would definitely take my husband. Does it make sense that your dad's gf will be there and yet not your husband? I feel he actually has more right to be there than she does.
Just wondering about that part of it.

 

[Niffer]

I think since everyone involved knows that if your DH were to go, it would be awkward and might just do more damage.
Normally I'm all for the 'take your husband, he's priority.' But I have a feeling that you'll be able to talk in a calmer environment if you go alone to talk to your dad, regardless of whether or not his gf is there.
Just make sure you get your points across calmly but firmly.
That its not okay your dh isn't invited to functions, and how worried you were when you couldn't get a hold of them after the fires.

Speak with love and caring, come from the attitude that you only want to fix the situation, not aggravate it.
I hope that you'll have a good visit, and can really do some peace-keeping.

- Niff.

 

[OrangeHope]

Thank you very much for your replies Jakihe and Niffer.

Jakihe, your right my DH has more of a right to be there than Dad's gf, to me it seems by not inviting him and not being willing to talk to him to on how we can make this situation better tells me they are gonna talk really badly about my DH and make me feel low about myself while Dad's gf will be backing up every word he says.

Niffer, your also very right, by bringing DH it might give my Dad and his gf alot more fire to what they are trying to create.

DH and I talked about it today after reading the replies and we figure it's best off if DH drives me and I talk to them alone. I of course don't expect them to just sit down and be all "Oh honey, you have something important you have been wanting to talk to us about, you talk and we'll listen." it's more of a situation of their way or the highway, so I'm gonna listen to what they have to say first without saying a word (this will help me so I don't go all blank) and then I'll tell them I would like to talk. I really hope they let me have a chance to talk too, if not I'll leave since I've really had enough of how badly they have been treating us, mostly how they have been treating DH. Of course no matter how harshly they talk to me I will try picturing Jesus next to me and talk to them in the kind way he wants me to.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Thank you very much for your replies Jakihe and Niffer.

Jakihe, your right my DH has more of a right to be there than Dad's gf, to me it seems by not inviting him and not being willing to talk to him to on how we can make this situation better tells me they are gonna talk really badly about my DH and make me feel low about myself while Dad's gf will be backing up every word he says.

Niffer, your also very right, by bringing DH it might give my Dad and his gf alot more fire to what they are trying to create.

DH and I talked about it today after reading the replies and we figure it's best off if DH drives me and I talk to them alone. I of course don't expect them to just sit down and be all "Oh honey, you have something important you have been wanting to talk to us about, you talk and we'll listen." it's more of a situation of their way or the highway, so I'm gonna listen to what they have to say first without saying a word (this will help me so I don't go all blank) and then I'll tell them I would like to talk. I really hope they let me have a chance to talk too, if not I'll leave since I've really had enough of how badly they have been treating us, mostly how they have been treating DH. Of course no matter how harshly they talk to me I will try picturing Jesus next to me and talk to them in the kind way he wants me to.

Very wise plan. As James 1:19 says "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"

Thank them for their comments and opinions and then let them know that you are a package deal - you, dh, and the child. If they disrespect one of them, they are disrespecting all of you. As the parent, if they can't follow your directions regarding tv, then they will not get the privilige of spending alone time with them. In no way should dad's gf take precedence over you and your wishes in that situation.

Easier said than done, but say it with the peace of Christ. "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

 

[OrangeHope]

Very wise plan. As James 1:19 says "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"

Thank them for their comments and opinions and then let them know that you are a package deal - you, dh, and the child. If they disrespect one of them, they are disrespecting all of you. As the parent, if they can't follow your directions regarding tv, then they will not get the privilige of spending alone time with them. In no way should dad's gf take precedence over you and your wishes in that situation.

Easier said than done, but say it with the peace of Christ. "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

Thank you for the advice and the beautiful verse! I will be thinking of that verse when I go talk to them.
Them disrespecting us as parents goes far beyond just the tv issue, my other issues with them is my Dad trying to give my daughter (18 months at the time) alcohol and his gf leaving her alone in the bathroom after she said she'll watch my Daughter for me...I caught my girl just in time before she was about the open the cabinet to all the cleaning product which are full of toxic...

 

[jham123]

Thank them for their comments and opinions and then let them know that you are a package deal - you, dh, and the child. If they disrespect one of them, they are disrespecting all of you. As the parent, if they can't follow your directions regarding tv, then they will not get the privilige of spending alone time with them. In no way should dad's gf take precedence over you and your wishes in that situation.

Easier said than done, but say it with the peace of Christ. "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

Right on the button with that one.

If the "new" GF is not going to respect the wishes of the "parents" of the child then the irresponsible adults are not to be trusted further. Children are hard enough to raise without adults filling their head with mixed signals.

This woman has been disrespectful to the parents of the child and now she has driven a wedge between you and your father.....

....do you need any further red flags??

Your father is being weak as well. No one should come between a man and his children, yet your father is allowing her to do just that.

You have a family now....Your Husband and your Child. If your father is willy nilly with his character dependent upon which woman he is dating at the time.....you really aren't losing much are you??

The right road is not always they easy road

 

[Key]

From a personal stand point I would say your dad needs a slap in the face and a wake up call.

Tell him to call you back when he is ready to come over and talk with you alone, if he wants you to come up there and you don't feel good about it, don't go, end of story.

They will gang up on you, they will make you feel bad and they will pressure you into things you might not want to do. It is not worth the risk to you or to your self esteem. Your father has been living many years walking over you and expects that to be the norm. It is time for you to be a woman, a mother, and a wife and not a child anymore.

Put your foot down now with this, before you meet him. Tell him it's Your terms ONLY.

He can walk away, and that is his choice. It will be a hard choice, but there are times when this choice needs to be made.

I know this will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and might be something you dread, giving you a hollow feeling inside and trembling, but people like your dad don't get it, they don't care and they only think about what they want. If he cared about what you wanted he would have talked with you sooner on your terms.

let him know it is YOUR life, and your are your Husband's Wife, not his little child to do what daddy wants at daddy's beck and call. You have loyalty to your husband and leaving him and going to talk with your dad is disrespecting him, as your mate in life and allowing your father to disrespect him as well.

God says that the two will become one flesh, a husband and wife, God says that someone can not serve two masters, either your Husband is the man of your life or your dad is the man of your life, hence the Giving Away the bride.

You are at a critical point, and if you give here, it will set a bad stage, your husband is trying to be decent to you and let you do you own thing because he loves and respects you and wants to see you happy, but in reality he does not want you to go.

He can see this a trap, he can see that you can see it is a trap, but feel compelled to go anyway. DO NOT GO! It will not end well for you.

Put the foot down, and tell you daddy you want him to meet you, and he can come by when hubby is not home if he does not feel able to deal your husband, and make sure he knows that the GF is not invited.

If he gets huffy and does not call you back, then go spend your life with your husband, he seems to want you to be a stronger woman, and seems like he is supporting you, I can not see a problem with spending the rest of your life going in that direction with a man like that.

But that is just my take on this... take that as you will.

God Bless

 

[OrangeHope]

jham123, my DH and I see alot of red flags with my Dad's gf, we just can't tell him so since he won't believe me and needs to somehow figure it out on his own. Before they were together she tried to get as close to his family as possible (Dad didn't even want her around then) and she basically showered me with gifts and such and then her whole attitude changed when she got my Dad.

Key, thank you! that was very helpful since my DH doesn't really want me going over there alone and neither do I, so DH suggested to me that since my Dad's not willing to come over to our place that he'll be willing to drive me to a coffee house in my Dad's town so I won't have to go over to his house.
And your right I do feel it's a trap waiting to happen.

 

[livingword26]

I don't know if this has already been suggested, but could you suggest meeting at a neutral location? Perhaps McDonald's, or Starbucks, etc. Ask him if the two of you could meet, with a follow up meeting with him, his gf, you, and your husband. Meet in neutral locations each time. Pray, diligently seek the Lord, and ask Him to work in each of your hearts to help you all see through God's eyes.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you for the advice and the beautiful verse! I will be thinking of that verse when I go talk to them.
Them disrespecting us as parents goes far beyond just the tv issue, my other issues with them is my Dad trying to give my daughter (18 months at the time) alcohol and his gf leaving her alone in the bathroom after she said she'll watch my Daughter for me...I caught my girl just in time before she was about the open the cabinet to all the cleaning product which are full of toxic...

I see no one replied to this one yet, so I felt I should say something.

Ok, your dad gave her alcohol and his girlfriend left her at that age alone in the bathroom?
I can only tell you what I would do in that situation.

I would only let your dad visit your daughter under supervised conditions. Period. That is supervised by you and/or your husband. That's it.
And most likely just at your place. Let him come to you if he's serious about visiting.

I read over what you've posted so far. Again, if I were you I'd let him come to you. It sound like you are giving and giving in a situation where really you should be putting your daughter first and making guidelines and sticking to them. You are being controlled by them. That much is obvious. Call them on it. Have your dad talk to you alone in person or not at all.

That's my advice.

 

[OrangeHope]

livingword26, I have thought about meeting him in Starbucks in his hometown (since he won't come to my hometown) but I do have a feeling he'll just argue with me to come to his place and won't have it any other way and honestly if he wants it his way then so be it, it's not worth arguing and getting mad since this will be the last time he gets his way.

WalksWithChrist, Thank you! That's one of the things I'm going to tell him is that he and his gf have lost their babysitting privileges since they have shown to me they are not responsible enough. The alcohol, it was just a sip of beer he wanted to give her to taste but he didn't ask DH and I if it's o.k and when we saw him trying to give it to her we shouted to him No, and he had the nerve to argue with us when we said it's wrong to give her alcohol but he just said he's smarter than us and he's always right My Daughter for sure will never be left alone with them.

I pray to God everyday that he will guide me and soften my Dad's heart. I admit I still have some anger towards my Dad that I'm trying very hard to let go of. He's never given DH or I a chance to tell him how he makes us feel so I'm hoping this time will be my chance.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

livingword26, I have thought about meeting him in Starbucks in his hometown (since he won't come to my hometown) but I do have a feeling he'll just argue with me to come to his place and won't have it any other way and honestly if he wants it his way then so be it, it's not worth arguing and getting mad since this will be the last time he gets his way.

WalksWithChrist, Thank you! That's one of the things I'm going to tell him is that he and his gf have lost their babysitting privileges since they have shown to me they are not responsible enough. The alcohol, it was just a sip of beer he wanted to give her to taste but he didn't ask DH and I if it's o.k and when we saw him trying to give it to her we shouted to him No, and he had the nerve to argue with us when we said it's wrong to give her alcohol but he just said he's smarter than us and he's always right My Daughter for sure will never be left alone with them.

I pray to God everyday that he will guide me and soften my Dad's heart. I admit I still have some anger towards my Dad that I'm trying very hard to let go of. He's never given DH or I a chance to tell him how he makes us feel so I'm hoping this time will be my chance.

I wish you the very best with this.

My issues with my mom are not nearly as bad as yours, but I can say this for sure.
If you let a parent run your life...they will!

 

[bethrow]

What WalksWithChrist says is so true. If you let a parent ruin your life, they will.
From what I understand and have read it just doesn't seem to me that he really wants a relationship with you. If I remember correctly from way back you didn't grow up with him...so when you moved to be near him you didn't really know him only that he was your father and he opened his home to you when you were in a desperate situation. Right? Sorry...if I have it wrong, but it's what I remember. From the time you moved there to live near him and develop a relationship with him he has done one thing after another to you.
He's never treated you or your husband right and I know you don't want to walk away, but this man doesn't and will probably never care about what you need to say to him. He doesn't have it in him to be a loving, respectful father. I'm sorry, but it seems he is only just a man that has the same blood as you....if he was more than that he'd be more than willing to see you, to talk to you, to listen to you because you are his daughter...his flesh and blood.
I'm sorry OrangeHope but he'll never be the father you want him to be, I'm afraid. He doesn't have it in him...so therefore no matter what you say or do he's not going to change.
Do you really want to try to make a relationship with a man like this work? I know he's your father, but sometimes people have to cut ties with family that are toxic and your dad is a very toxic man.

Don't go...it's not going to change anything. You have beat yourself up worrying about him, trying to contact him and I'm sorry, but he just doesn't really seem to care. He's a selfish man who in my opinion doesn't seem to have the ability to love. He doesn't deserve you, your husband, or his granddaughter.

 

[OrangeHope]

Thank you WalksWithChrist and bethrow

I finally got a hold of the Christian counselor in my Church and for one session it's $60 which unfortunately I can't afford at the moment.

Bethrow, Your correct, I didn't grow up with him. I got back in contact with him when I was 22 y/o and he invited DH and I to come live with him in the States till we're able to stand on our own feet. We sold everything we had and came with very little money (Dad was aware of that), I am a US citizen but was pregnant at the time so I couldn't work and we were waiting for DH's green card so he was unable to work too. A little after I had my Daughter Dad asked us to leave and go back to Israel...we sold everything so we can start a new life in the States. So DH's Mom sent us $1,000 so we would have some where to go. I was so lucky to find a job the first day I started looking....so yeah basically he kicked us out while I was still nursing my baby and before DH was able to get his green-card, I still think it was his gf's idea since she wanted to move in with my Dad so she needed us out.
I have considered that no matter what I say he's not going to change but I at least need to try, I already had to cut my Mom out of my life and I tried to make things better with her, I need to do the same with my Dad, he might not change right away but maybe in time what I said will make him rethink some things.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you WalksWithChrist and bethrow

I finally got a hold of the Christian counselor in my Church and for one session it's $60 which unfortunately I can't afford at the moment.

Bethrow, Your correct, I didn't grow up with him. I got back in contact with him when I was 22 y/o and he invited DH and I to come live with him in the States till we're able to stand on our own feet. We sold everything we had and came with very little money (Dad was aware of that), I am a US citizen but was pregnant at the time so I couldn't work and we were waiting for DH's green card so he was unable to work too. A little after I had my Daughter Dad asked us to leave and go back to Israel...we sold everything so we can start a new life in the States. So DH's Mom sent us $1,000 so we would have some where to go. I was so lucky to find a job the first day I started looking....so yeah basically he kicked us out while I was still nursing my baby and before DH was able to get his green-card, I still think it was his gf's idea since she wanted to move in with my Dad so she needed us out.
I have considered that no matter what I say he's not going to change but I at least need to try, I already had to cut my Mom out of my life and I tried to make things better with her, I need to do the same with my Dad, he might not change right away but maybe in time what I said will make him rethink some things.

You're very welcome.

You've been through so much. I predict you have some big blessings in store.

 

[jham123]

.so yeah basically he kicked us out while I was still nursing my baby and before DH was able to get his green-card, I still think it was his gf's idea since she wanted to move in with my Dad so she needed us out..

OrangeHope, I'll say one thing that has basically propelled me forward through the decades......

You have two chances to have a great family. One you are born in and you have no control over, the second one is the one you create yourself and you control everything.

You've had to cut your ties with your Mother and your Father is a real piece of work.....

So all you have left is your second chance. Build your new family and do not allow it to become like the one you were born into.