Feeling rather confused

[Smiler33]

I've been a Christian for 2 and a bit years now and would say I am doing OK; I yearn to learn more and get closer and basically live a better life. I sin, as we all do, even though I try so hard not to - I'm praying that God will help me to stop but it's a hard slog.

I have been on my knees sobbing and begging to feel more of God in my life; to feel the peace and contentment that comes as a result. I was baptised in the Holy Spirit last September which meant I can use tongues for personal edification. I tell myself this is wonderful, this is a fantastic gift and it is .... so why do I sometimes question myself and ask if this is real or if I'm making it up (which I'm not!) I guess it's the evil one isn't it.

I seem to always be wanting physical signs of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit's presence - it's almost like a drug. Our church isn't very lively but I love it; everyone is like family to me and they have helped me through a lot (I suffer from anxiety/depression and PTSD and am having therapy). Our pastor is very good; he prays with me and knows all I've been through.

Why do I feel this way? I have faith; I've laid my heart completely open to God; said I'm yours, do what you will. I read my Bible, pray and go to fellowship groups etc regularly. I want to become more spiritual, I want it so much, but sometimes it feels like it just won't happen. I know not to rely on feelings as they are not reliable and I should just have faith - I honestly do have faith but why does it all come so hard to me?

Sorry, this is a bit rambling and I don't know if I know what I am trying to say but can anyone offer any words of wisdom please?

 

[heweeps]

Hi Smiler, I am curious, you say you sin as we all do, what is your reaction to your own sin other than trying harder not to??

I think it is important in consideration of what you are asking in this post.

keith

 

[Smiler33]

My reaction to my own sin is that I get cross with myself - I should be able to stop this on my own but it is proving hard to do. I know God can't stop it for me, I have to do that, He will just be right there with me ..... but right now I'm not feeling Him with me.

 

[1watchman]

I've been a Christian for 2 and a bit years now and would say I am doing OK; I yearn to learn more and get closer and basically live a better life. I sin, as we all do, even though I try so hard not to - I'm praying that God will help me to stop but it's a hard slog.

I have been on my knees sobbing and begging to feel more of God in my life; to feel the peace and contentment that comes as a result. I was baptised in the Holy Spirit last September which meant I can use tongues for personal edification. I tell myself this is wonderful, this is a fantastic gift and it is .... so why do I sometimes question myself and ask if this is real or if I'm making it up (which I'm not!) I guess it's the evil one isn't it.

I seem to always be wanting physical signs of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit's presence - it's almost like a drug. Our church isn't very lively but I love it; everyone is like family to me and they have helped me through a lot (I suffer from anxiety/depression and PTSD and am having therapy). Our pastor is very good; he prays with me and knows all I've been through.

Why do I feel this way? I have faith; I've laid my heart completely open to God; said I'm yours, do what you will. I read my Bible, pray and go to fellowship groups etc regularly. I want to become more spiritual, I want it so much, but sometimes it feels like it just won't happen. I know not to rely on feelings as they are not reliable and I should just have faith - I honestly do have faith but why does it all come so hard to me?

Sorry, this is a bit rambling and I don't know if I know what I am trying to say but can anyone offer any words of wisdom please?

It sounds like you are with a Pentecostal sect. My personal view of that is it will be a hindrance to spiritual maturity. I have relatives in it, and have known many through the years who are always anxious about not being Godly or Holy enough. They all seem occupied with a spritiual experience with God and measuring up to perfection through "a second blessing", as they say. Part of the problem is not appreciating the "new birth" (John 3) and walking in the truth God has already given to the real believer.

Ask yourself a few questions:
1. Have you gone into your "closet" (Matt. 6:6) and confessed your sinful nature to God; and received the Lord Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Savior? Sometimes one is trying to be Godly and have never received God's salvation (see John 3; Rom. 3; 1 Jn. 5:10-13).

2. Have you made the Lord Jesus your best friend and are walking and talking with Him daily? Some professing Christians don't really know Christ and are just trying to live the Christian life.

3. One can then find the "peace that passeth all understanding" if they are IN CHRIST, and in communion with Him always.

4. One needs to know that a true believer is sealed and indwelt by the Holy Spirit, so does not need a "second blessing" or special anointings. When you are born you don't get unborn.

If one is looking to "feel" more of God they are missing the point of true faith. We MUST take God at His Word and be thankful. I have a comprehensive paper on why Pentecostalism does not satisfy or honor God. It does not speak against the saints of God, but the system. I hope this does not offend you. Look up always!

- Ever in Christ by grace alone, 1 Watchman

 

[Smiler33]

It sounds like you are with a Pentecostal sect. My personal view of that is it will be a hindrance to spiritual maturity. I have relatives in it, and have known many through the years who are always anxious about not being Godly or Holy enough. They all seem occupied with a spritiual experience with God and measuring up to perfection through "a second blessing", as they say. Part of the problem is not appreciating the "new birth" (John 3) and walking in the truth God has already given to the real believer.

Ask yourself a few questions:
1. Have you gone into your "closet" (Matt. 6:6) and confessed your sinful nature to God; and received the Lord Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Savior? Sometimes one is trying to be Godly and have never received God's salvation (see John 3; Rom. 3; 1 Jn. 5:10-13). I have and I have confessed my sins, I received Jesus Christ as my Saviour when I attended an Alpha course Feb 2010. I confess my sins regularly and repent of them.

2. Have you made the Lord Jesus your best friend and are walking and talking with Him daily? Some professing Christians don't really know Christ and are just trying to live the Christian life. I like to think so but I have to confess I get really confused between following God and Jesus Christ; I never seem to know who to talk to! Any suggestions?

3. One can then find the "peace that passeth all understanding" if they are IN CHRIST, and in communion with Him always. That's certainly what I want to do but am finding it very elusive.

4. One needs to know that a true believer is sealed and indwelt by the Holy Spirit, so does not need a "second blessing" or special anointings. When you are born you don't get unborn. I know the Holy Spirit is within me - I have FAITH this is the case.

If one is looking to "feel" more of God they are missing the point of true faith. We MUST take God at His Word and be thankful. I have a comprehensive paper on why Pentecostalism does not satisfy or honor God. It does not speak against the saints of God, but the system. I hope this does not offend you. Look up always!

- Ever in Christ by grace alone, 1 Watchman

Thank you very much for your helpful post. My church is a United Reformed Church (mainly Methodist) and is not at all Pentecostal! There is a part of the church who are very into the gifts of the Spirit etc, but the main body is very, um how can I put it, sedate!

I think I've answered most of your points raised. I promise I'm not at all offended; I just want to live the life God wants me to live.

 

[heweeps]

My reaction to my own sin is that I get cross with myself - I should be able to stop this on my own but it is proving hard to do. I know God can't stop it for me, I have to do that, He will just be right there with me ..... but right now I'm not feeling Him with me.

Hi Smiler,

Thanks for the reply. Sin is death. Sin leads us away from God. But because of Gods love for us we have a way to avoid the death that sin leads to and that way is Jesus Christ. He already suffered our punishment. Once we come to a point that we want to quit sinning and change if we confess our sins and repent and to repent means to go the other way we will be forgiven by God, our sins forgotten and we can start a new walk. Once we are born again we have the Spirit of God within and then we have the strength inside to change. We are sinful, and the sinful nature is tied up with the me. As long as we concentrate on me we are going to have problems and we will sin. But we can't rid ourselves of sin. Only God can do that. We don't have any power of our own to change. But with the Holy Spirit in side we can be changed but we have to let Him do it. So when sin bugs ya, go to God and repent and if you are sincere He will begin to change you, He doesn't necessarily do it all at once, but He will. So relax, let God be God and trust Him.

And quit trying to feel Him. Just ask Him to help strengthen your faith, He will. He is the authour and the finisher of our faith. He is All in All.

Read the book of John and the book called Romans.

keith

 

[stormdancer0]

I've been a Christian for 2 and a bit years now and would say I am doing OK; I yearn to learn more and get closer and basically live a better life. I sin, as we all do, even though I try so hard not to - I'm praying that God will help me to stop but it's a hard slog.

I have been on my knees sobbing and begging to feel more of God in my life; to feel the peace and contentment that comes as a result. I was baptised in the Holy Spirit last September which meant I can use tongues for personal edification. I tell myself this is wonderful, this is a fantastic gift and it is .... so why do I sometimes question myself and ask if this is real or if I'm making it up (which I'm not!) I guess it's the evil one isn't it.

I seem to always be wanting physical signs of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit's presence - it's almost like a drug. Our church isn't very lively but I love it; everyone is like family to me and they have helped me through a lot (I suffer from anxiety/depression and PTSD and am having therapy). Our pastor is very good; he prays with me and knows all I've been through.

Why do I feel this way? I have faith; I've laid my heart completely open to God; said I'm yours, do what you will. I read my Bible, pray and go to fellowship groups etc regularly. I want to become more spiritual, I want it so much, but sometimes it feels like it just won't happen. I know not to rely on feelings as they are not reliable and I should just have faith - I honestly do have faith but why does it all come so hard to me?

Sorry, this is a bit rambling and I don't know if I know what I am trying to say but can anyone offer any words of wisdom please?

You sound so much like me. I received this same Baptism on my own, alone in my room, after praying for a long time for a closer walk with God. I had never heard anyone speak in tongues, or seen anyone receive this gift.

It's hard not to want that emotion, that feeling, all the time. Once you feel God actually touch your spirit, it's impossible not to long for it again and again. But God gives gifts for a reason, not just for enjoyment. It's taken me four years, but I am now to the point that I can pray without asking for another experience. If God chooses to give that again, It will be in His timing, and at His will.

This is a danger of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We must pursue not the gifts but the One who gives them. Too many newly baptized people begin to pursue the feelings rather than God. Sometimes, God makes us feel like we're flying. But sometimes, He gives us a deep, heart-wrenching sorrow. We must learn to accept both.

Pray that God shows you what direction He wants you to go in. If you stick with focusing on God, you will find that you are much more mature in your devotion to God than ever possible.

Satan does not want you to have this advantage of speaking in tongues. Many who do not understand will advise you to stop. But having felt and experienced it, you KNOW that God is in it. Don't let Satan whisper to you that you're making it up.

God loves you and has a reason for giving you this gift.

 

[Smiler33]

Thank you very much all of you for your posts. I am learning that I need to focus not on the feelings, but on God - that message is coming through loud and strong to me. I'll keep praying.

 

[LWB]

Hi Smiler33,

I've found all the spiritual fulfillment I need in simple love. There is a treasure trove of unloved creatures and people in the World. Even a tree or flower that nobody else has noticed might appreciate being cherished by one who can love.

It's kind of hard what I'm trying to express. I get a sense of passivity from you. Like you're sitting back waiting for God to knock your socks off. But the way to engage with God is to go out seeking, asking, and knocking. In other words, looking for ways in which to express love to God through your every day experiences.

If you could reboot your mind like someone rebooting a computer, you might regain a childlike sense of wonder at simply being alive. There are more miracles and signs around you every second than you could ever hope to appreciate, if only you could find the way to see them.

 

[Smiler33]

Thank you LWB. I know what you mean about cherishing everything around us. Just half an hour ago when I was collecting my son from pre-school I looked at the beautiful flowers and smiled, knowing that all the goodness of nature is created just for us. I actually feel closer to God when out walking; when I stop and watch the birds, see animals and run my hands through a field of corn. He made everything.

I guess I can be a bit passive sometimes but I really don't know what to do. I've actually been under attack from the evil one just this morning saying

- 'do you REALLY believe'
- 'are you SURE there is a God'
- 'do you LOVE God'

The answer to all of these questions is a resounding Yes by the way!

At first I thought it was me doing negative thinking (with my mental health this can happen) but I now recognise who it is coming from. I prayed in the name of Jesus Christ and told the devil I wanted him gone; I am one of God's children and the devil has no power over me. Then I spent 45 minutes upstairs praying, meditating and reading my Bible and the feeling has lifted but he is still lurking, I can feel it.

UPDATE AT 8.45
Just spent ages praying; can feel the pressure has lifted and I am feeling close to God again; the attack has gone. Hopefully all this rollercoaster ride will ease off and my faith will continue to grow stronger and stronger as that's what I want. Thank you.

 

[MoNiCa4316]

I've been a Christian for 2 and a bit years now and would say I am doing OK; I yearn to learn more and get closer and basically live a better life. I sin, as we all do, even though I try so hard not to - I'm praying that God will help me to stop but it's a hard slog.

I have been on my knees sobbing and begging to feel more of God in my life; to feel the peace and contentment that comes as a result. I was baptised in the Holy Spirit last September which meant I can use tongues for personal edification. I tell myself this is wonderful, this is a fantastic gift and it is .... so why do I sometimes question myself and ask if this is real or if I'm making it up (which I'm not!) I guess it's the evil one isn't it.

I seem to always be wanting physical signs of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit's presence - it's almost like a drug. Our church isn't very lively but I love it; everyone is like family to me and they have helped me through a lot (I suffer from anxiety/depression and PTSD and am having therapy). Our pastor is very good; he prays with me and knows all I've been through.

Why do I feel this way? I have faith; I've laid my heart completely open to God; said I'm yours, do what you will. I read my Bible, pray and go to fellowship groups etc regularly. I want to become more spiritual, I want it so much, but sometimes it feels like it just won't happen. I know not to rely on feelings as they are not reliable and I should just have faith - I honestly do have faith but why does it all come so hard to me?

Sorry, this is a bit rambling and I don't know if I know what I am trying to say but can anyone offer any words of wisdom please?

I think that it is important not to rely on feelings, signs, and proofs too much.. God is there and loves us, whether we feel His presence or not. We need to trust that is what came to mind. Spiritual growth is primarily in the will, repentance, follow God's will... that is what matters. God gives us feelings of His presence as encouragements, but that does not mean we are somehow better spiritually than when He doesn't give them. After He encourages us, He often tests us, and removes all these feelings, and wants us to learn to follow Him through our will alone. God bless

 

[capnator]

Sometimes we put a big stick in the devils hand to beat us up with. If you are prone to let feelings dictate to you (... and lets face it feelings are very powerful) then a door is opened for the devil, all he has to do is make you feel bad, then tell you if you feel bad you must be bad.

One of the easiest ways for him to do this is through diet and lifestyle, bad diet, lack of exercise, fresh air and sunshine...ensure that we are consuming coffee, tea, softdrinks plenty of cakes, bikkies etc. and less of those good natural foods, and we are guarenteed to not *feel* so great... and like I said the devil really knows how to use that big stick to hit us over the head with it.

Big stick number 2 that he loves to use is entertainment.. there is a principle "God is light, and in him is no darkness at all" 1 john 1:5 It seems like about 99% of entertainment TV/movies are full of darkness, and yet how complancent people can become about this.... "pfft that movie was not that bad rated M, only 4 people got killed(they were bad guys anyways) 16 accounts of adultery, 48 swearwords and the token gay guy was kinda funny and besides the moral of the story was good.

"God is light, and in him is no darkness at all"

No compromises "Jesus saith unto them, My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." John 4:34 "For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother." Matt 12:50

We can't afford to mess around, God will make incredible power available to us, we must do His will without compromising in anyway and in anything to darkness.. this is impossble except with the help of the Holy Spirit, this is a mighty display of the power of the Holy Spirit not in signs and wonders tongues etc.

 

[Smiler33]

Thank you Capnator and MoNiCa for your messages. Do you know, I've learnt such a lot since I wrote my original post and think I've moved on. Feelings have been ruling me; I am determined now to put the feelings behind me and move on in faith. I am a child of God; I belong in the Light, not in the Darkness where I have the evil one rubbing his hands with glee. Capnator, you are right when you say there is so much darkness in the world and I feel everyone is out for whatever they can get from someone else.

I think I've been expecting it all to happen too much. I want to live my life for God and I am embarrassed to say I've been expecting it to fall into my life with no real effort on my behalf :o. This is wrong and I know that. I need to keep praying, read the Bible and be with mature Christians too and talk with them about it (as well as you guys !)

Thanks everyone on here for the wake up call.