feeling like something bad could happen...

[* kittie *]

I think that what I write hear is filled with negative thoughts. So perhaps, some should not read it?
Not sure how it goes...I don't like putting thoughts into ppl who aren't ready for them.


Ever get the feeling that once you lost someone...you could lose another?

sighs...Well I went into detail what I'm feeling in my blog, but it basically is this.

I have this dread of hearing the word "later", especially when it comes to loved ones, cause I fear that that "later" will somehow never come. Not really jinxing...but...that fear is there.
What happens if I lose my mom too?
As I near the day of my birthday, my mom says, "Oh we'll celebrate later when I visit."
Later...later...later...

I don't see her much these days, but I honestly dunno what I would do without at least one parental figure alive. Not to say I think that I will lose her like this weekend (oh please no..my fear never stops)...but just the thought that it could happen someday, and knowing I could possibly never be ready for that.
I feel like my emotional/mental stability has been beaten around so much, that even though I've somewhat gotten better these days, something happening would definitely snap it into two.

As for God...I can't really say I believe that He wouldn't let anything bad happen. Sometimes I feel like what He does is for His good. Or like everything needs to have some kind of deeper meaning...and so if it means putting me through hell...why not if it serves His Kingdom?
Well...seems like that has been happening throughout my life, where I lose things.

I honestly have no one else in the world. God? meh...Never much emotional support there.
Brothers..sure I'm close to them. I do have a close family. But growing up in a family with little emotional support (It wasn't cold, but perhaps it's the trait of a Korean family to not be overly emotional as you see in more American famlies), I don't feel close to them in that way.
Just to explain a bit...It's like this. Growing up, my emotions were not much..existant. I knew regular days, anger was very evident in my life, and somewhat happy. Excitement was rare (it was hard for me to feel excited for much)...love was something I thought was impossible for me. I felt like I could never get close to anyone. Even now, I find it very difficult to express myself.
But I guess as I became more "Americanized" (although I was born in TX, it's still a Korean culture at home) living in college dorms, I came to know the life of both worlds.
And that part sucks a lot, cause it leaves me wanting when it's not available.

So...I don't feel close to my brothers enough to keep me from feeling alone.
I'm in so much fear...

 

[Ruth~]

I'm sorry these thoughts are troubling you. We have to face it that we are going to lose loved ones and that's just a fact of life. I have lost both of my parents and it was hard but I made it through it. I do understand how you fear losing someone, I did, too, but it gets better.

 

[xxxSammixxx]

I understand your fear. I too have a big family but we are not close. I often wonder what will happen when we lose our elderly mother. Will I spend Christmas alone? Will my phone ever ring with someone other than telemarketers?

I guess you and I need to face the fact that we have to make relationships. Eventually, our parents do die. Perhaps we have been satisfied with our relationships with our mothers and have not felt the need to make relationships outside of that.

I think that when the time comes, God will guide us through whatever we need to do. He does not give us more than we can handle.

 

[Amin]

Hi Kittie,
I've got to say i felt the same way before my father died.
I was really afraid of his dying.
When he passed away, God took over, Literally, and helped me thru the entire thing.
You think i would have learned a lesson about trusting God.
I lost my mom in June.
She was sick for four yrs.
Ya know what i did for all those yrs?
I feared her death just as i did my fathers. I too thought, there goes my family, I'll be alone, then what will i do?
When she passed away, once again
my fears were taken care of by God.
I think we worry about things so much before they happen that we work ourselves into fear. Then when it's over, in my case anyway
i didn't learn the lesson God wanted me to learn.
There i was worrying again.
God must have been shaking His
head saying, When will you learn!!
I'm not close to my family either.
My brother lives in the same city as i do, he doesn't even speak to me if we're in the same room.
I guess I'm saying, It's okay to feel fear and the thoughts of lonliness.
When It really counts, I wouldn't be afraid to bet that God will be there right by your side.
I'll be praying for you.
God Bless You Kittie
Take Care,
Chuck.

 

[Amin]

I think that what I write hear is filled with negative thoughts. So perhaps, some should not read it?
Not sure how it goes...I don't like putting thoughts into ppl who aren't ready for them.


Ever get the feeling that once you lost someone...you could lose another?

sighs...Well I went into detail what I'm feeling in my blog, but it basically is this.

I have this dread of hearing the word "later", especially when it comes to loved ones, cause I fear that that "later" will somehow never come. Not really jinxing...but...that fear is there.
What happens if I lose my mom too?
As I near the day of my birthday, my mom says, "Oh we'll celebrate later when I visit."
Later...later...later...

I don't see her much these days, but I honestly dunno what I would do without at least one parental figure alive. Not to say I think that I will lose her like this weekend (oh please no..my fear never stops)...but just the thought that it could happen someday, and knowing I could possibly never be ready for that.
I feel like my emotional/mental stability has been beaten around so much, that even though I've somewhat gotten better these days, something happening would definitely snap it into two.

As for God...I can't really say I believe that He wouldn't let anything bad happen. Sometimes I feel like what He does is for His good. Or like everything needs to have some kind of deeper meaning...and so if it means putting me through hell...why not if it serves His Kingdom?
Well...seems like that has been happening throughout my life, where I lose things.

I honestly have no one else in the world. God? meh...Never much emotional support there.
Brothers..sure I'm close to them. I do have a close family. But growing up in a family with little emotional support (It wasn't cold, but perhaps it's the trait of a Korean family to not be overly emotional as you see in more American famlies), I don't feel close to them in that way.
Just to explain a bit...It's like this. Growing up, my emotions were not much..existant. I knew regular days, anger was very evident in my life, and somewhat happy. Excitement was rare (it was hard for me to feel excited for much)...love was something I thought was impossible for me. I felt like I could never get close to anyone. Even now, I find it very difficult to express myself.
But I guess as I became more "Americanized" (although I was born in TX, it's still a Korean culture at home) living in college dorms, I came to know the life of both worlds.
And that part sucks a lot, cause it leaves me wanting when it's not available.

So...I don't feel close to my brothers enough to keep me from feeling alone.
I'm in so much fear...

Hi kittie,
I was just wondering how you were doing since your first post?
Chuck.